Hello readers! I was originally planning on this being a one-chapter fanfic, but because of popular demand I have decided to create a second chapter for you all. Sorry it's short. *TAKE NOTE the events in this fanfic are taking place before Amsterdam in case you didn't realize already*. Let me know what you think and we will see more of the beloved Augustus Waters.
The bathrooms of any hospital have an eerie presence about them. They are spotless and empty and you can only imagine the sorrow that has occurred inside such a pristine area. The mirrors, which were sterilized and surrounded by LED light fixtures, reflected the face of a boy who had lost hope.
I had lost hope. In fact there was so little hope inside me that if Max Mayhem burst through the doors and told me he was in desperate need of my assistance to save the world, I would curl into a ball and let the world burn. I had no interest in saving a world that didn't have Hazel in it.
Her funeral was in a few hours, and I had smoked through my pack. I decided to not purchase another, I figured maybe there was a part of me that didn't want to die just yet. Despite this, I put on my death suit for the service.
The procession for Hazel consisted of two cars, Hazel's family and my own, accompanied by Isaac in the back seat. It was silent aside from the hum of the engine, which soon became a deafening roar by the time we reached our destination. There, we all sat and grieved and said prayers. I knew if there was Something up there that Hazel Grace would surely be there, too.
Isaac gave a simple, yet originally witty eulogy discussing how he had first met Hazel, and how she was always Support Group Hazel, and that she had held us all together. And she did. She kept us going.
When it was my turn to speak the priest looked at me in the way that teachers do, where they look through you instead of at you. I didn't care though. I didn't want to speak. What happened between Hazel and I was exactly that. Between us. She knew how I felt about her, right? I mean…I guess I never said it but-Oh God. Oh my God I never said it. I never told her.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to sink into my chair and disappear. You idiot you stupid piece of crap you never told her. You wasted your chance and you wasted your time trying to make things perfect. Of course they were never going to be perfect you've got half a leg and half a life and nothing matters anymore because she's dead and you blew it.
The priest could see the panic on my face, and moved to the next speaker. As the funeral came to a close I came to realize that I was dying on the outside too.
Tears clouded the vision of my room. I faced the ceiling, lying on my bed so my leg still touched the floor. I didn't know what to do with myself. For once in my life I had no purpose or goal to attend to. I felt like I would have a lump in my throat forever. And I felt stupid for it.
You are selfish. Hazel is dead and all you can think about is how you feel. Get over yourself.
I was used to having these sort of thoughts. I knew I was a pretentious person. But really, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't change how I thought of myself. I just felt so horrible. So guilty and depressed and despondent. What did I have? Time was not on my side. What was I supposed to do? Wait? Sit here and cry while I waste away in my accommodation?
When self-pity dwindled away to numbness, I searched my desk for a pen and paper. Slowly, with shaking hands I wrote to the one thing I still cared about.
Dear Hazel, I began, waiting for the tear drops to dry on the paper before I continued.
I know I said I believed in Something. And I know that I said I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up. But, right now, I am on a downward spiral. I don't see the point of being here. After meeting you, I knew that I didn't want a legacy, unless you were there with me too. And it kills me. It really kills me Hazel that I couldn't be there for you. I wasn't there for you when you needed me and I never told you how I felt because I wanted it to be flawless. But I know now that it didn't need to be like that. It never would have been like that because we had our own broken little infinity. You are my infinity and I can't ask for anything more than that. When it is my time, which we both know will be upon us soon, I will go to see your face, because that is all that matters to me.
Yours,
Augustus Waters.