##

##

It doesn't stop the nightmares.

His touching Sam's dick like that just seems to make them worse, escalates them.

So the next night, when Sam's stumbling from window to window, Dean doesn't even hesitate, he grabs his brother, wrestles him down on the bed and lays on top, forcing a thigh in between Sam's legs-

Which part for him immediately and he's not even gonna go there with how freaking hot that is.

He shoves his leg up, underneath Sam's balls and when his brother is moaning and writhing underneath him, he takes that mouth for his own.

Going straight to hell and knows it, but fuck, he can't help himself, he's lost, so fucking lost, just needs Sammy's taste, the sweet flavor on his tongue and he'll stop in a minute, just needs one dip in.

His tongue slides in, finds his brother's and his mind goes AWOL, the delicious sparks of pleasure coursing through his gut too much, too fucking real and raw, he can't even deal and he wants to drown in it.

Happy, fucking at last Goddamn happy and he can die right here, thank you very much. He wants for nothing now; Sammy's his, just for a night.

But his brother isn't settling. If anything, he's thrashing harder, knowing instinctively that Dean can give him so much more-

And it's only when Dean's hand reaches in, curls around Sam's dick and gives slow lazy pulls that Sam chokes out a hushed cry and falls back, a soft smile curving his mouth as he relaxes back into sleep, the trembling in Sam's body lessening and finally stopping and when Dean slides out his hand, stands up, Sam immediately rolls onto his side, hugging a pillow, getting comfortable.

Dean shakes a blanket out over his brother and turns, sits on his own bed, staring at Sam's back, can't fucking believe he's been reduced to this fucking perverted shit and he rubs a hand over his mouth, every nerve in his body zinging with pent-up frustration because he doesn't know what the hell else to do.

He can't get Sam calm any other way, if he could find anything else that worked, he'd do it in a heartbeat but he's got nothing-

The scent of Sam's dick is all over his hand and it's like a lock clicking into place, his path clear now and he knows what he's gotta do next.

He's gotta tell Sam what he's been doing.

#

But he can't.

It happens again the next night, and the next and Dean just can't, okay? He tries, he really does but the words catch and burn in his throat, his guilt and shame overwhelming him and there's no way to sugarcoat it, no way to make it sound any better because what he's doing is awful, terrible, sick and wrong-

So fucking wrong.

Can't bring himself to tell his baby brother that Dean's jerking him off every night.

Because that's what it's become.

What started as a few innocent pulls of Sam's dick has turned into a full-fledged jacking off session, with Dean working Sam's dick good, not jerking him to orgasm yet but damn close.

It's taking longer and longer for Sam to settle.

And Dean can't even begin to deal with all the feelings it's awakening.

He's not a bottom, never has been and the few times he's been with a guy, it'd been a jerk off session, a blow job once, with the dude sucking him down and Dean's never been tempted, not ever, the thought of someone's dick up his ass kinda skeeving him.

Until now.

Until Sam.

Now, it's Sam and his brother's hung like a fucking horse, his reactions so Goddamn beautiful when Dean touches him, it's pure and sweet, his moans of pleasure, the length of him that hardens for Dean so nice whenever he strokes it-

Can't help but think how it would feel, letting himself lose control for once, giving it to Sam and letting Sam have what he's never offered another human being.

Give himself to the only man he's ever trusted, he's ever loved.

Taking Sam the same way, hard and rutting, plowing in and sliding on home, until Sam is screaming in pleasure, until they're fused into one, together forever, like it was always meant to be.

Dean and Sam, against the world.

#

The drive to Pennsylvania is long and hot, the summer blaze beating down on them, the wide open windows barely cooling the air and his t-shirt is sticking to him, sweat trickling down and he's so fucking tired-

Has to keep stopping, filling the thermos with strong coffee just to stay awake, chugging down cup after cup because his vision is blurring around the edges, his judgment's off and he knows he'd dangerously close to complete collapse.

Can't live off a couple of hours of sleep a night, just can't.

And Dean tries to tell Sam, he really does, but the words won't come out of his mouth. How in hell do you tell your brother you've been jacking him off just to get him to snap out of his nightmares? It's a fucked up case of nasty no matter how many ways Dean tries to spin it and there's no way the reveal is gonna end good. Sammy is gonna be freaked out and leave him, he knows it, and it's that thought, above all others, that leaves him mute, unable to tell.

#

By nightfall, Sam is exhausted, his eyes glassy, dark smudges underneath and he's jerky movements in the next seat, his nerves misfiring and he can't seem to control his body.

The third time Sam spills hot coffee on himself, Dean's had enough. They can finish the drive tomorrow. He's gonna find them a place to hole up, hit a drugstore for some sleeping pills for Sam, a liquor store for himself and they're gonna get some shut-eye tonight if it kills him.

Sam flat out refuses to take pills, telling Dean he's sleeping just fine and he doesn't know what the hell Dean's talking about. It's only when Dean drags his ass to the mirror and shows him that Sam finally gets it.

Sees the dark bags etched under his eyes, the white face and haunted stare, the tremble of his hands when he reaches up, touches himself-

"But I don't remember having any nightmares! How the hell is it I'm doing all this stuff and I can't remember?"

Dean shakes his head, "Eventually, we have to find out why you're having the nightmares, Sammy, but not tonight. Tonight, we gotta sleep or we're gonna die. So it's this-" He holds up the sleeping pills, "Or you're gonna have to get so drunk you pass out. Otherwise, I'm gonna knock your ass out and tie you to the bed, then I'm gonna make you swallow these. Your choice."

"Dean-" Sam starts to argue and stops, gazing into Dean's eyes and he must see how dog tired Dean is because he snaps his lips shut and reaches for one of the whiskey bottles on the table, "Okay. Okay."

#

It's a half a bottle in before Dean brings it up.

"You remember that Supernatural books convention? All those dudes pretending to be us? That was some funny shit right there."

Sam downs another swig, wiping his mouth off before trying to focus his eyes on Dean's face, "Yeah, I 'member. Wha made you think about that?"

He shrugs and drinks, coughs around the liquor burning a clear path to his stomach, "I dunno. Just sort of popped into my head. Hey, you remember those two gay guys, the ones that helped us on the case? Wonder whatever happened to them. Think they're still together?"

He holds Sam's eyes while he speaks, watching for any sign, any-

A flare of something dark and hungry flashes there and the air turns heavy, gets sucked away between them and Sam drops his eyes, staring at Dean's mouth, taking his time there before swinging his gaze back up, "Sometimes I wish-"

And he trails off, yanking his gaze away even as he's shaking his head, raising the bottle and gulping, his fingers a trembling clench, his Adam's apple working hard.

And Dean realizes he's holding his breath, "Wish what?"

Sam stiffens up, shoulders held tense as he backtracks, reverses and Dean sees it happen, wants so badly to pull Sam back, keep him right here, in the tension, make him freaking reveal what's in his heart.

"Nothing. I don't wish anything." Sam's tone is final.

And Dean can't let him go, can't let this go, forces out the words, "Well, sometimes I wish I could be as free as those two were. Wish I could just admit stuff that's been eating at me, in here-" And he thumps his chest, "'Cause fuck, it's so goddamn hard sometimes to hold it in. And even if it's all kinds of fucked up, wish I could just tell someone, tell you, what kind of shit I'm dealing with here."

Sam's eyes are confused, growing darker with each whisper between them, his voice awed, reverent, "You can tell me anything, Dean, you know that. I'll always be here for you, man."

Dean purses his lips, pretends to consider it, "Right back atcha, Sammy, need you to know that because sometimes, I feel like-" And he trails off, shakes his head, "Nah, can't, Sammy. It's-can't even admit it all to myself, you know? It's sick and wrong and it can't happen, it can never happen."

Sam licks his lips, eyes never leaving Dean's face, his tone breathless, hopeful "What? What's sick and wrong? Please, Dean…I need to know. Please."

He shakes his head again, sucks down another two gulps of liquid courage, doesn't know what the hell he should say now-

And Sam leans forward, puts his hand on Dean's arm, the warm fingers curling around and Dean can feel the breath on his face, the sweet smell of it wafting into his nose and the kiss Sam laid on him rises up in his brain, the sizzling hot of it turning his body to fiery lust in mere seconds-

Sam's voice comes again, low and pleading, "Please Dean, tell me."

He rubs a shaking hand across his mouth and up behind his neck, rubbing hard to relieve the tension, "Sometimes, I just wanna, I just wanna-"

And he makes a tortured moan in his throat, reaches out and grabs Sam behind the neck, hauls him forward, and the soft mouth is there, right there, his for the taking and he's not pretending anymore, not faking this, God, wants those lips so goddamn bad-

He does it, breaches the space, covers Sam's mouth with his own and shoves him open, thrusts in deep with his tongue and the fucking taste of his brother fills his brain, kills him sweetly with each flavor, each tang.

Sam gives a choking gasp, his body goes stiff for a second and then he moans, a low hurt sound in his throat and hands are there, cuffing Dean's neck, hooking him closer and Sam's opening up, letting him in with soft sighs of pleasure.

Dean presses in, goes deeper, every twist of his tongue around Sam's snapping electricity down his spine, sucking away at his control, his free will, until he's lost there, in Sam's taste, in Sam's love.

The sudden shove back is confusing, un-called for and his muddled brain groans his displeasure, chasing after those delicious lips because they're his, goddamn it and he wants more-

"Dean!" He opens his eyes and Sam is holding him back, hands grip tight into his shoulders, blue-green gaze locked on his like he's just sprouted fucking wings, and Sam's shaking his head, dropping one hand to rub it rough across his mouth. His words, when they come, are hushed, afraid, "What- Dean, what the hell, man? What're you-? Jesus Christ, why'd you do that?"

He narrows his eyes at Sam, can't believe after all his brother's put him through, he's even got the balls to ask that question, "Because of you, Sam. Because you want this and hell, I want it too but it's the nightmares, Sammy. You-you're having them because you're keeping this shit bottled up inside of you and you just need to freaking admit it, let it out. You-Jesus!" And he shakes his head, stares into Sam's dazed face, the image in his head sucking away his sanity even as the passion swirls up, dark and beautiful, "You kissed me the other night, one of the hottest fucking kisses I've ever had, and that-that started this whole thing. You-shit, I didn't even know I felt like this but damn, man, right there with you, whole-heartedly reciprocating and we need to do something about this because it's not going away, Sammy. You and me…we've been doing a lot of shit you don't know about, during your nightmares, and we need to get it out in the open right now-"

Sam is holding himself stiff, shoulders hunched up around his ears, shaking his head in denial and licking his lips nervously, "Look, Dean, I-you're my brother, for fuck's sake! And even if I was thinking about- this, why the hell are you on board with it? You should be fucking pounding me, man, running as fucking fast and far away as you can, so what the hell, Dean? I mean, I never, never meant for you to know about-"

Sam sucks in a breath, seems to realize he just fucking revealed everything and starts rocking back and forth, going inside himself, "Fuck, this sucks! You must think I'm such a sick fuck!" the voice is thick and hurt, and Sam ducks his head, mumbles miserably, "Jesus Christ. You need to tell me right the fuck now what we've been doing, because God, this is wrong, so wrong!"

Dean hears the words, feels them in his gut and Sam is in full-fledged denial, refusing to even think about his wants, his needs, like if he doesn't acknowledge them, they don't exist but Dean knows the Sam of dark, his brother so lost in his own desires, he can't get away from them, tries to outrun them every night but fails, can't even get the door open to flee-

Gonna tell Sam all of it now, every sick and twisted thing that's been happening because Dean's not gonna be in this alone anymore, Sammy's the one that's put them here so he's pulling Sam right into the nastiness, making him deal-

Dean spits out the words fast, reaching out to grip Sam's shoulders so he can't turn away, can't not hear this, "You won't calm down unless I'm touching you, not just anywhere but touching your dick."

Sam gives a pained moan, muscles twitching under Dean's fingers, face dead white but Dean keeps going, gonna tell Sammy all of it now, "You like it best when I'm jerking you off, used to be just a couple of pulls but it's getting to where you won't settle unless I'm fucking working your cock good. It started out with you humping me, I'd try to stay as far away from you as possible and flip you over, let you do yourself against the mattress but it wasn't enough for you because the next time, you held me down, fucked into me until I was seeing double and fuck, Sammy, I tried to stop you but you were just so goddamn…insistent. Could have handled that probably, but then you went and laid that goddamn kiss on me and-I didn't even know how much I wanted you until then but it was like something slid into place, in my gut, in my soul, fixed something in me I didn't even know was goddamn broken but all of a sudden, I knew. You were what I've been needing my whole life and everyone else was just…filler. I couldn't help myself after that, I just-I had to have you, Sammy, you understand? The first time, I brushed against you, just trying to hold you down, to keep you on the fucking bed but you spread your legs for me like a goddamn porn star and when I touched you, I just-I lost control, Sammy. I couldn't-you were just so beautiful, the way you would rock up into my hand, you trusted me to take care of you and I-fuck, I fell in love with you. Doesn't matter that you're my brother, doesn't matter that you're a guy, I-love you, Sammy. Always have, always will and I just need you to accept this, accept me and we can be together."

Sam moans again, rocks forward, head dropping in his hands, "Not-fuck, you were never supposed to know! It's, shit, Dean, this fucking thing inside me, it's just-can't get rid of it, tried, Goddamn it, tried so fucking hard to shove it back, keep it down. So fucking sorry you need to deal, not your problem, just can't help it! It rips me up inside, the freaking want, don't know how to stop it! Didn't want you to know-"

Dean reaches out, lets his fingers slide down Sam's face, his touch soft, caressing, "Too late for that now, Sammy. You just gotta let it out, man. You ain't forcing me, I want it just like you do and I know it's wrong, but I want it anyway. Can't fucking stop it, it's just is so huge, it's eating me alive and I'm not right until I'm touching you. Squicks me out, man, feeling you up when you're not aware, need you to wake the goddamn fuck up, tell me you want this, all of this, because it will end me, Sam, if you don't, I swear-"

"NO! Can't want this! Can't have this! Dean, come on! What the fuck are we even talking about here? No, just, no!" And Sam turns away, stone cold sober by the look of him, shaken to his core at his own dirty thoughts, Dean's acceptance of it making it worse somehow.

And Dean's heart rips apart, jagged edges curling into ashes, Sam's refusal destroying the hope that's fueling him, leaving behind only pain, despair and the gut-twisting fear of what he's letting himself consider-

"Please, Sammy." Dean's voice catches on a sob, the tears stinging at his eyes and he's begging now, cold, so fucking cold right now, needs Sam to come clean, admit this shit so he's not alone here-

Holds Sam right there, breathing the words out into that terrified face, already broke them and got nothing more to lose, "Fucking love you, man, need you so bad sometimes, and just-God, all I want to do is just lose myself in you, have this mouth, have all of you and have it be okay. Know I shouldn't, know it's fucking filthy, but it's inside of me and I can't keep it down, just, whenever I look at you, I want this, so goddamn bad, I can't even—"

And he dives back in, takes that mouth again, needs to make Sam understand just how much, how deep it is with him-

Feels Sam give around him, open up and let him and he settles in with a satisfied moan, gonna have this now, gonna have all of this-

He's shoved back so fast, his head is spinning, mouth searching for his brother's, the fists shoved against his chest now holding him at arm's length, the skin hot and throbbing where they hit and he's frowning, trying to pull Sam back in-

"Dean, stop!" He opens his eyes, locks on Sam's blue-green gaze and it's granite, unyielding, the chin clamped tight, denying his feelings, and Sammy's made his choice, not gonna give a fucking inch on this, his jaw gritting out the words-, "I'm telling you we can't do this, we can't let ourselves have this! I get that you think you need this, I do. But you don't, you'll live, we both will, all we gotta do is turn away, let this go because this is wrong, Dean. It's so goddamn wrong I can't even look at it. And you should feel the same. You hearing me, Dean? I can't let myself have this! And you can't either!"

Dean draws back, his heart gripping hard in his chest, his love for Sam all-consuming, Sam's words breaking him and fuck it hurts, that Sam won't admit, that Sam won't let them-

Wants to pout and stomp his feet, wants to take Sam anyway, show him how good it can be between them, wants to work his brother up good, until he can't resist, until he can't do anything but fall into Dean's arms.

And then…

The cold water of Sam's refusal washes over him, freezes his passion, his lust, and he holds himself there, grits down on his self-control and he's no longer teetering, on the edge. Nope, he's fucking pissed. At himself because he revealed everything in his heart, all his sick fantasies and he shoulda known better than expose himself, risk everything-

He's pissed at Sammy, too, for having the control that he doesn't, for being able to say no and push this huge thing between them away.

He lurches back, can't look at his brother anymore, so fucking ashamed, mortified, and mumbles over the aching of his heart, "Not gonna force you, man. You don't want this, we don't do this. I won't-won't touch you again, like that, ever, I swear. I'm-sorry, Sam, so fucking sorry, thought you wanted it, too, thought all I had to do was get you to admit it and you'd be better but you're-." He sucks is a breath, turns away, his muscles stiff, rigid, "You're right. This whole thing is not natural, not normal and so fucking wrong, it's- From now on we tie you down at night, you hear? You can have as many nightmares as you want as long as you're not running around the room. I'll get myself some earplugs so I can't hear you and get myself some fucking sleep. Maybe that's all this is. Maybe I just need some sleep."

And this will all be just a bad dream…His mind continues helplessly, remorse and shame in every breath-

"Dean." Sam's voice follows him and Dean isn't even aware that he's moving, walking fast across the room until he's at the door, yanking it open and staring into sweet freedom outside. He doesn't look back, just grabs his keys and jacket and slams the door shut behind him, not gonna give his stupid brother the satisfaction of seeing him broken, at his worst, at his lowest.

Fuck, he can't face Sam again, now that he knows how Dean feels, what he's been doing at night with Sam's body, he's humiliated, dirtied, sullied and doesn't ever want to see that look of pity in Sam's eyes again.

He's in the car before he knows it, driving fast and going nowhere, just fleeing, away from Sam, away from his treacherous heart and that's where he's gonna stay.

Away from Sam.

##

"Dean! What the hell do you mean you're not coming back? Listen, I know this is an issue but we've gotten through a hell of a lot worse than this before and we can get through this, I swear. It's okay, man, I don't blame you, I-blame myself. It's all on me so just, please, Dean, don't. Don't do this, pl-." Sam is talking fast, but the voice mail cuts him off, and probably just as well as he's almost sobbing into the phone, so fucking scared.

He's lost Dean for good, knows he has and it's all because of his stupid subconscious, forcing shit out of him that should never have seen the light of day and damn it, he's not in control of it anymore, can't keep it inside any longer!

Thought Dean would be back in a hour or so, to make sure he was okay but Dean had stayed gone, way past his usual roll-in time and Sam was waiting up for him when he got the call.

"Sammy, I- need you to just listen to me and not say a word. Can you do that? See, I've got to get this out before I- I need you to forget about me, man, just can't face you again, don't want to see that look of disgust in your eyes ever again so need you to go on alone, without me. I love you and I'm so sorry for everything, Sammy. I should never have done those things to you, just too fucking weak to resist. Not gonna happen again, I swear. I-need to say goodbye, Sammy, because I don't know if I can stop myself, just, got to stay away, then I'll know you're safe, so…I love you and I'm sorry, Sam. So Sorry."

His stomach had dropped to his knees at the finality in Dean's voice, at the determination in the sad, hushed tone but before Sam could say a goddamn word, his brother was gone, the click of phone a punch right to his gut and now the asshole isn't picking up his cell, Sam's call going right to voicemail every time.

The clock ticking in the darkened room matches the beat of his heart and Sam counts the rhythm, trying to lull himself to sleep but it's no good-

He can't shut his eyes, searching frantically in the dark at the ceiling, nothing but shadows and smoke, no answers at all up there.

Fucking Dean, leaving like that, what the hell is that gonna accomplish, huh?

He sits up, punches his pillow, wishing it were Dean's face, and then huffs back down, stares at the whirls and divots in the plaster, memorizing every flaw-

They've been through a lot of shit together and never once had they ever been afraid to face each other. They can get through this, he knows they can, but Dean needs to God damn be here for that to happen.

Jesus, the things Dean said-

How he wants Sam right back, how much he loves, needs-

It curled warm around his heart, made him so freaking hungry, frantic for any little piece of Dean he can get but fuck!

Sam can't let himself go there, can't let them go there, can't just let himself have what he's so desperately wanted most of his life because it's wrong, so fucking wrong and fucked up and Dean knows that! They can't cross that line, it's just not done and Sam's pretty sure if they do, they'll never be able to be brothers again, not like they are now. It'll get all screwed up and weird, they'll never be the same. And he still needs his big brother, more than he needs a lover.

You can have both if you try hard enough, a little voice in his head whispers insidiously, Hell, you've already been doing it if Dean's telling the truth and you haven't broken or shattered from it.

He sees his brother's face in his mind's eye, devastated when Sam refused him, ashamed and hurt creeping through right after and fuck, Sam didn't want that to happen, wanted Dean to be happy, wants to fill every empty crevice of Dean's heart with love, complete him-

Needs his goddamn brother here, right here, figuring this fucking shit out together!

He hears the key in the lock and jolts in surprise, sitting up and watching as the door swings open and Dean slides in.

They lock eyes and Dean's surprised, expected Sam to be asleep and he stutters to a halt, deer caught in headlights, shoulders slumped with pain, "Sammy, I-" and his eyes jerk, looking everywhere but at Sam, "I just came to-uh, wanted to make sure you were okay, not having any more nightmares. I'll stay, watch over you and make sure you're good, so you can get some rest and I'll-I'll be gone by morning."

Sam shakes his head, "Dean-"

His brother holds up a hand, cuts off Sam's words, misunderstanding the interruption, "I swear-" And Dean stops, gives a shuddering sob and tries again, "I fucking swear to you that I will never touch you like that again. I just-want to make sure you're safe. Then I'll go."

It bursts out of him, pleading and raw, "You don't need to go! Please, I-just-we can work this out, it'll be okay. You can stay. I need you to stay, Dean, please."

Dean still won't look at him, "I can't, Sam. Don't ask that of me."

And then he clams up, grabs a chair and sits, facing the door, his back to Sam, "Just go to sleep, okay. Let's just get you through the night."

Sam stares at his brother's stiff back, wants so badly to reach out, touch that stern shoulder, knows if he can just let his fingers speak for him, Dean will know how he feels, how much he feels and how much he wants this. Knows he can't ever have it but Dean needs to know he's wanted, desired, so fucking beautifully perfect, Sam can't even deal with it.

But how the hell is Sam gonna get that through to him? Dean's gonna leave as soon as he can, already twitching with the need to flee and if Sam goes near, Dean's gonna run, he knows it, so he does as Dean tells him to.

Leans back onto the bed, cuddles into warm blankets, stares at the familiar ceiling and starts talking-

"I fell in love with you when I was fourteen. It had just turned spring, we were in New York, and I remember the smell of first fresh cut grass, the peepers in the ditch were croaking so loud, it was hard to hear over them and you and I were at this truck-stop motel, you remember? The restaurant served barbeque pork on a bun with coleslaw in the middle. Never had a sandwich taste so good before and all the French fries they gave us, shit, even you couldn't eat them all."

He sees Dean turn his head slightly, listening, the unyielding back relaxing with every word. Sam swallows hard, wills away the baseball-size lump that's taken up residence in the back of his throat, the memory of that day still so strong, it's overwhelming him. "That-that trucker, you remember? The one that kept hitting on me when I was playing pinball, saying how 'pretty' I was and how I'd look so good riding his dick. I kept trying to ignore him but he wouldn't go away and when he reached up, ran his fingers through my hair, I jerked away, ready to tell him to leave me the hell alone but suddenly, he was just-gone and when I turned around, you had him down and you were fucking pounding on him. He was huge, must have been over three-hundred pounds and you-you were so small next to him but you just kept laying into him, would've goddamn killed him if we hadn't managed to pull you off. He was-really hurt, Dean and all the while, all you kept saying was, 'Don't you touch my Sammy, you son of a bitch, you keep your fucking hands off!"

Dean's head is bent, his voice a hushed whisper, "He had no right to put his filthy hands on you."

Sam waits for more but Dean just sits there, lets the silence spin and Sam shakes his head, gonna push this, "You remember what you did after that, Dean?"

Dean turns his body, locks eyes with Sam and shrugs, "I was so goddamn mad, it's all a blur after that. Next thing I remember clear was watching you sleep, needing to protect you."

"You yanked me out of the restaurant and hustled me back to the room. Once we got inside, you tore off my clothes, threw the whole wad in the trash, and dragged me into the shower. I remember you got right in there with me, still had on all your clothes but it didn't seem to matter, you- you turned on the water and started washing me. But it wasn't just scrubbing my skin, nope, you took your time, kept telling me how beautiful I was and to not let that asshole make me feel bad or ashamed. You said you loved me, would always love me and that you would never, ever leave me. I-I fell in love with you right then, in the steam and the soap, while you were cleaning the feel of his hands off me, you were…hell, you are everything to me, Dean. You-you promised you wouldn't leave me so you can't go. You've never broken your word to me before and you can't start now. You promised and I'm gonna hold you to it."

Dean stares at him with wounded eyes, the struggle there apparent and Sam knows he's reached him because Dean will never break a promise to him, ever, "Dude, that's not fucking fair."

Sam gives a ghost of a smile, "Don't care. Whatever works to keep you with me, I'm gonna do."

"But, what about-I mean, I can't just ignore what happened before, I-you don't want me, remember?"

Sam scowls, "What I said was, 'this was wrong, Dean and we can't'. I never said I didn't want you."

He scoots off the bed, goes to Dean and drops to his knees, "I said we can't but I-God, I want to, Dean. I want to be with you so bad but I'm fucking scared. What if it ruins us, what if we hurt each other and we can't be brothers anymore, what if-?

Dean reaches out, puts a finger over his lips to silence him and it's an intimate touch, sudden and warm, and Sam's hushes, blown away by the love crashing through his heart-

"You said we can't, Sammy, and that's that. I'll abide by your decision." The tone is final, forever and Sam's heart rips just a little more, doesn't want this, wants Dean, so fucking bad-

Dean drops his hand and stands, side-steps him and goes into the bathroom, shutting him out as Sam watches sadly, knows that something's already been broken between them and there's nothing he can do to fix it.

##

##