#
It's getting on towards sunset when they stop to gas up, the sun blinding low in the sky, straight out in front, scarlet and pink shadows pillowing the clouds, and Sam squints, puts up a hand to shade his eyes-
Turns his gaze towards his brother, Dean offering a crooked smile as he plucks the key out of the ignition and hops out, fake credit card opening the gas pump, strong fingers gripping the nozzle, capable and firm, and Sam catches his breath, remembering those hands caressing him, feathering over his skin, sparking his nerve endings with tingling desire.
Sam bites his lip, looks away, his heart aching with loss-
It's been four days and Dean's kept his promise.
There's been nothing, not a word, not a glance that wasn't completely platonic, Dean going above and beyond, not touching, not standing too close, distancing himself like Sam's got the frigging plague or something.
Knows he should be happy, that Dean accepted his decision, supports him, knows in his gut, in his head, it's for the best, he does. But it damn rankles in his heart because Dean shouldn't be fine with it; he should be suffering just like Sam is. He should be gazing at Sam longingly, sneaking covert glances at his ass and his dick, so overcome with lust that he can't help but look, watch and want.
Because that's what Sam's doing, goddamn it! Can't help himself, checking out Dean's ass as he walks into the convenience store to pay, so tight and sweet under his jeans, it makes Sam's mouth water and he wants to know it, intimately, wants to have Dean underneath him, spread wide open, wants to dive in, drown in the flavors and tastes and smells that are his gorgeous brother, wants to touch him, love him, make him scream for release.
Because if Sam's damn honest with himself, he wants Dean begging for his touch, his cock, wants to give his brother the same taste of the heaven Dean gave him when he'd taken Sam, made love to him and bound them together forever.
God, he wants.
Hates himself, hates this! Knew this would happen if he let them!
Knew he'd be unable to forget, so fucking hungry for more he can't stand it-
Doesn't know what the hell to do, his emotions rampant, out of control, twitching under his skin and he trails after Dean, an invisible tether, can't be too far away because it's like a lost limb if he can't see his brother, breathe him in.
Four days.
Three long ass nights listening to the rustle in the next bed, the soft snores and wuffling breaths, forcing the memories away, willing his dick not to fucking want so bad, trying to tell his head this is the right thing to do.
Shredding Sam's heart into little pieces with each withdrawal, with each pulling away, keeping the wall between them and it's ripping him up inside.
Finds himself doing stupid shit to get Dean's attention, like taking his shirt off for no fucking reason, to do research on his laptop, trying to look casual, normal-
Or squeezing into his tightest pair of jeans and laying seductively on the bed, nonchalantly watching television-
Or his most obvious one, coming out of the bathroom in just a towel, flexing his pecs, deliberately flaunting himself, hoping to get a reaction, hell, just one freaking yearning look would soothe his wounded ego immensely.
And he's flailing, desperate, doesn't know how to get Dean to want him again, to love him again because Dean doesn't even seem to notice his frantic need, in fact, his brother is acting like their night of love never happened, like Sam imagined it all and he hates this fucking shit!
Dean doesn't see his bare chest, his tight jeans or his pathetic fucking towel, nope, not even a flicker of passion in those green eyes and he feels stupid, slow and worthless, hungry for more of something he can never have again-
Shouldn't hurt so much, because Sam asked for this, drew the line, made it clear 'one time only' and there shouldn't be a gripping ache in his chest, a weak, helpless tear in his gut, but there is.
Can't help it, it's a sob torn through his throat, a crumpling of strength because he thought their night together meant something to Dean, should have because it was everything to Sam and he'd beenso happy, so fulfilled.
Thought it felt the same for Dean but now-
Now it's pretty obvious Dean doesn't love him back, like at all, didn't mean any of the promises he made, and it was heat of the moment, a bad case of horny, lack of sleep and frantic exhaustion, his brother just needing to get his dick off and nothing else.
Knows how Dean is, knew it all along, hell, watched it enough over the years, the pick-up, the flirting, the hoarse promises of more, of forever-
Whenever Dean had brought home chicks to fuck, telling the girl whatever he needed to get in their pants and how he'd get lost in the moment, in the physical, thrusting into them hard and fast until he was satisfied, sated, and then he was shoving them out the door almost before he even got his dick put away.
Barely knew their name most times-
Guess Sam was just another notch, just another conquest and now that Dean had his rocks off, Sam was being pushed away, too, no closeness, no love, not anymore, and Sam just has to deal with it, suck it up because that's all he's ever gonna get of Dean, all his brother is capable of.
Never has been able to let anyone into his heart completely, his walls cold steel, impossible to penetrate and it hurts deep, cuts clean through because Sam thought he was different to Dean, that Dean loved him enough to not hide, thought when they'd made love it was just gonna be a new closeness, a new level for them-
Instead it's worse than it was before, with Dean withdrawing just like he had after that truck driver, like Sam's invisible, barely there and certainly not worth time or attention.
Doesn't even call me Sammy anymore and Sam never thought he would miss that hated nickname, but he does.
He misses Dean, goddamn it.
#
That night, after they'd made love, they'd curled around each other, lazy and spent; Dean kissing him between breaths, his mouth on Sam's full of promises, tongue taking his so sweet, hot hands cupped around his face, holding him in place, gut-wrenching and mind-blowing.
Making him weak because Dean's insistent, not releasing, making him and turning Sam into loose bones and twitching skin, stupid with desire, whimpering at the firm handling, letting Dean, wanting Dean-
Opens up for his brother, sliding a hand into the short cropped hair and hooking Dean closer, encouraging, letting the other man have everything, the hot tongue sliding over his snapping sparks, live wires twisting and writhing, tearing wrecked noises from Sam's throat, has him quivering with passion, so fucking in love he can barely breathe with it.
When Dean finally breaks the kiss, Sam's mouth is swollen, tender and Dean stares at his lips hungrily, nips at them, tugs the bottom one between his teeth and bites softly, green eyes locked on his, boring deep, the inner lights there flaring into flames as he smiles delightedly at Sam's whole body shiver-
Buries his mouth between the crook of Sam's neck and shoulder, voice cracked with emotion, hot breath tickling his skin and Sam's pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven, loves how Dean feels around him, safe and home and love, curling a warmth in him he's never tasted before and it's Dean, all him, doesn't even know how much he gives Sam…
Dean's words surround him, fill him so good, "This was awesome, Sammy. Thanks for-letting us, man, I-can't even, just so freaking happy now, I-gonna keep it close, make sure I remember every detail, never gonna forget this night, your smell, your taste, love every inch of you, love you, Sam. So fucking much, you just don't even-"
And he trails away, kisses Sam goodnight like second nature, makes Sam ache with secret longing of the life that could be, having this, every freaking day, freedom to touch Dean when he wants, how he wants, and the warm rush through his stomach fills Sam, makes him so fucking happy he can barely stand to be in his own skin.
Dean plants one more soft kiss on Sam's mouth and relaxes into him, closes his eyes, words slurring as sleep takes him over, "Shouldn't have any more nightmares now…not after this…"
#
He sleeps like a baby in Dean's arms, not even a flicker of a dream, wakes up rested and sated and horny as hell.
Like his body is hot-wired, short circuiting and sparks are flying everywhere-
He's surrounded by Dean's scent, sleep-warmth and cheap shampoo, soft leather and ripped jeans, Dean's smell, and he inhales deep, wants to remember every second.
The warm body is pressed against Sam's back, Dean's stiff cock already awake and straining, poking against his ass cheeks and Sam catches his breath, murmurs consent, encouragement, arching back, wants Dean inside him again, taking him so good-
"Mmmmm, morning…" And Dean's still dreaming, the smile in his voice sleep-clogged and so fucking sexy, Sam shivers with it, his heart full of love and hope, and maybe this is possible, maybe there's a chance for them and he's wriggling his hips back further, trying to get Dean's dick in between his ass cheeks, moaning wantonly, begging for more-
With a jerk, Dean comes fully awake, sucking in a harsh breath, remembering where he is, who he's with, even as his hands are pushing Sam away, slicing his heart in two, "Shit, Sam, can't do this, remember? One time, that was all, promised you, gotta respect your wishes and I'm trying to do what you want, what you said and then you-holy fuck, Sammy, STOP!" Dean curses harshly as Sam rocks back, trying to get more of Dean's cock to touch and his brother jerks away like he's been burned, harsh and frantic breaths, rolls off the bed and hits the floor running, slams into the bathroom before Sam can say a word.
He listens to the lock snick into place and that sound, it's a dull blade to his heart, aching memories and broken hopes and Sam gives an anguished sob, crumbles inward, curled and lost inside himself, can't believe how fast things changed, heart clenching with sudden inexplicable hurt, trembling like crazy.
Sure, Sam said they could only have this once but he hadn't expected this-
Had thought it would be gradual, they would kiss some, hold each other some and talk about it. Maybe have a morning round before they called it quits. He would've kind of been on board with that.
Fuck, he would have way been on board with that.
#
But now, it's locked doors and cold shoves and fuck, it hurts, and he's trying to cling to Dean's words, that he isn't dirty, isn't disgusting and that Dean loves him with all his heart-
Dean meant it. He must have meant it.
And he'll come around, has to, won't be able to resist Sam much longer, gonna be stupid for him, hungry for him, just like Sam is, always is, for Dean and Sam's just got to bide his time because Dean'll lose it soon and break, dive in and take Sam hard, like he wants, like he needs-
And Sam keeps telling himself that, to hold on and wait, knows Dean doesn't want him, not really, but he drifts between reality and dreams, loves his brother so damn much-
#
But he doesn't.
For four fucking days, he doesn't.
And Sam finally admits, finally realizes that Dean's gone from him, doesn't want him anymore, it rips through Sam's gut, leaves him gasping with hurt because he doesn't understand, his brother had told him, over and over again, how much he loved and needed Sam and how does someone just turn that the fuck off? How does someone supposedly in love just…not be anymore?
Sam guesses he must be pretty easy to get over, to forget about because Dean's not having any issues at all with moving on, back in big brother role with a vengeance, growling out orders, telling him he's a girl and a geek, and taking care of Sam like always, just like he has every day of his life.
Not once does he give Sam a lustful glance, not once does he stare at Sam with ravenous need and Sam doesn't understand. How can it be so deep with him and Dean just be-fine with it?
Christ, Sam needs-
It keeps his tears close, he can feel them, a constant ache in the back of his throat, a burning clench he can't swallow down, so thick with tension he doesn't even remember how to relax, his headache constant, makes him want to puke his guts out because how can he be alone in these feelings? How can it all have been a lie?
It can't have been a lie. Dean meant it when he said he loved Sam. He must have.
Now, he's just gotta reach Dean, get through that thick skull and make him understand that while Sam said one time, he sure as hell didn't mean one time. And Dean's the one that's gotta take the next step because Sam's taken his stand, can't back down but Dean can force it, force them, overpower him and kiss away his fight, take him hard and make Sam understand this is how it's gonna be.
Fuck, he wants Dean to do that so bad. It's all consuming, eats at his brain and leaves him a muddled, unfocused mess, dangerous on a hunt, needs Dean's body next to his, warm and heavy weight, needs that mouth stealing his breath, twisting his emotions until he's a shivering mess, needs to breathe Dean in, revel in it, lose himself in his brother's eyes, let himself drown there.
#
That's why he does it.
Disobeys a direct order. Throws himself in front of a monster and sacrifices himself so Dean will live.
Because he loves his brother, more than life and needs Dean to know that, to remember that.
#
The Kracken they'd been hunting didn't match up to Dad's journal or the Internet lore, because the freaking thing was supposed to be a giant of the deep, unseen by human eyes, water-bound but nope, it was walking around, breathing oxygen and taking victims out pretty fast, squirting black ink to suffocate and then wrapping up the struggling body in its long tentacles, squeezing the life out of them-
It sucked out their life essence through its suction cups, growing stronger with each kill-
The sheer amount of victims suggested more than one monster, which is why Dean had ordered Sam to fall back, to keep watch-
It had stunned Sam when he'd seen it, the huge mass sliding along the ground, almost silent, just a small hiss of grass underneath and he'd only caught it when the moon had peeked out behind a cloud, caught the wet reflection and damn, it was moving fast-
Straight for his brother-
He'd seen the long tentacle arms, reaching for Dean and Dean's head was turned, hearing the sound but not sure of the direction-
And he hadn't even thought, simply threw himself in front, shielding Dean, knowing his brother's survival was paramount and Sam didn't matter one lick in the grand scheme of things but Dean-
Dean mattered. Dean had a place in history and had to live.
Sam got it, understood in the blink of an eye that he could die, would die, so that Dean would live.
When the long arms surrounded him, started to squeeze the breath out of him, the warm gush of black ink had burned like acid, but he'd relaxed into the clench, let himself go, wanted to go, because he was so fucked up in the head and he couldn't stand to be without Dean any longer, couldn't live with the denial, the crushing need that cloaked him, engulfed him and he needed this, better for both of them if he ended it now.
He embraced it, the peace, the calm of death that rolled through him even as his breath was sucked out of his lungs-
Felt himself fading away, the deadly hug around his chest turning him so fucking tired, all he wanted to do was sleep, couldn't deal with not breathing, couldn't deal with Dean turning away-
Won't have to live with lies anymore, won't have to watch his brother walk away, never touching again, never loving again-
Barely hears the gunshots as he loses consciousness.
#
When Sam comes to, he's dizzy, foggy, in the car and Dean is squealing down the road, hell-bent and yelling in his face, shouting his name over and over, a hand on his arm shaking him, the look on Dean's face stark terror-
He jerks forward, sucking in a noisy gasp, curls in around the fire gripping his chest, it's a living thing and he can't breathe, can't breathe-
Huffs out a sob, keeps trying but he's drowning, choking, needs oxygen like never before-
#
Dimly realizes he's on the ground, Dean's hands shoving down on his chest, soft lips covering his own, breathing air into his ruined lungs and yes, fucking finally, gets to feel Dean's mouth on his once again-
He sucks in air, the sweetest taste in the world next to Dean, and the dizzy smears in his brain focus-
And he's able to huff out his brother's name, help get himself up, off the ground and back into the car, Dean hauling him along while Sam's concentrating on sucking air in and out, shallow breaths but there, thank Christ!
Lets his head fall back on the seat, opens his throat so his screaming lungs can get relief and closes his eyes, his body picking with a thousand needles, like it's been asleep and is just now tingling awake.
Fuck, he's so tired…
#
Next thing he knows, he's being half-dragged into the motel room, his brother chewing his ass out good.
"Damn it, Sam! I told you to let me handle it!" Dean's got a death grip on his arm, yanking Sam along faster than he can blink.
"Yelling at me-" Sam tries to gasp in a breath but his chest hurts like hell, "not helping-" another harsh wheeze before he can continue, "situation, Dean."
"Oh, you ain't heard nothing yet, asshole!" Dean snarls as he keys the lock, kicks open the door to their motel room and muscles Sam inside, shoves him down onto a chair and yanks his ruined shirt up and off, trying to wipe away as much black goo as he can before he tosses it across the room, points at Sam, "Sit! Stay!"
And yeah, Sam probably can't get up without Dean's help but he manages to gasp out a snarky whisper, "Not a…dog, man."
The look Dean gives him is pure fury, would have dropped a lesser man in his tracks and even Sam shrinks back, because the words tossed over his brother's shoulder are deceptively calm, like he's smiling, just aching for the chance to land a punch or two, "If I were you, asshole, I'd shut up right about now."
And Dean's out the door, back seconds later with a handkerchief full of ice, which he slaps hard across Sam's chest, making him wince in pain.
"Hurts?" Dean asks with a scowl, "Good! Your own damn fault for jumping in front of me like that! I had a fucking bead on it, Sam, and then you just-almost had to fucking shoot through you to kill the damn thing!" Dean shakes his head, words failing him but he recovers fast, still biting and growling, "Damn rookie move, Sam! What the hell were you thinking!?"
Sam hauls in a shallow breath and oh, fuck, that hurts, tries to spit out as few words as possible because talking aches like a fuck, "Thinking I'd save you, when I-" He hitches, pulls in another huff, "You weren't looking and-" Sam shakes his head, exhausted from trying to breathe, trying to speak and he falls back, cradles the ice to his chest with a curled hand.
Dean takes the ice pack away and gently feels Sam's ribs and chest, still bitching, "I knew where the damn thing was the whole time, Sammy. Told you to stay the fuck back and just recon, keep an eye out for any friends but no, you can't just do what you're told, can you? No, you always gotta do whatever the hell you want and fuck what I say."
"Dean! Not-not like that." The ache isn't easing at all, still a hard fist in his chest, breathing thick syrup, the giant purple bruises across his chest spreading fast, black ink still smeared along his arms, his ribs ache like hell and his lungs are vise-tight, won't expand like they should.
Knows he needs to save his breath, stop talking but he wants Dean to understand, manages to wheeze out, "Scared you'd get…hurt, wanted to help…t-take care of you."
And Sam slumps back, shakes his head, tears smarting at his eyes, exhausted from fighting for breath.
Dean stares down at him, his angry gaze softening, taking in how hurt he is and the care, the concern , the love, all gaze back at him, "Sure made a mess of yourself, didn't you, Sammy? Don't think anything's broken but you took a helluva hit. Gonna have to rest up for a couple of days, let yourself heal."
He starts arguing immediately, "N-nother case-"
His voice is weak and shaky, tries to firm it up, show his strength but it ain't happening and Dean's not buying it for a second-
"That I'm gonna do alone 'cause you're gonna rest." And Sam gets another stink-eye from his brother, hard gaze scowling down until Sam nods in defeat, looks down at his chest and rubs a hand across, "Hurts."
Dean sighs and reaches out, pets Sam's hair in a soothing swipe, "I know it does. Come on, let's get you to bed."
Sam almost bites out a scathing comment but stops at the last second, saves what little breath he has.
Get you to bed…
If his fucking asshole of a brother had done that in the first place, none of this shit would be happening now! That's exactly what Dean needs to do, take him to bed and keep him there, make love to him like before, until Sam's got no fight left, until they both admit they can't live without this any longer.
He needs Dean to take charge, tell him how it's gonna be from now on and make sure Sam knows his place-
Under Dean, with Dean. Joined together. Forever.
He lets his brother settle him in bed, leans back and picks absently at the black smears still on his skin, fucking burns like crazy-
#
He jerks awake, disoriented, in a room that's familiar, looks like…but what the hell are they doing here? "Dean?"
"Thank Christ!" Dean's there in an instant, peering down at him, green eyes huge, haunted, shaking hand smoothing back his hair, "Jesus, Sammy, are you okay? How-I mean, are you feeling alright?"
"I-" He ponders his body, breathing easy now, chest no longer in a vice grip of pain and nods, "Good, I'm good, I think. Where are we? We at-?"
"Bobby's, yeah. You don't remember?"
Sam shakes his head, searches his memory but it's gone, black hole and all he can remember is wanting Dean, missing Dean-
His brother's voice is trembling scared, scratched raw, "After that freaking squid thing attacked you, you fell asleep and I woke you, couple hours later, to hit the road, and you seemed better, could breathe without hurting, could talk without losing your wind and we got our shit packed up, were walking out to the car and you fucking dropped, man, like a stone, your eyes rolled up and you were just-gone. Scared the shit out of me, Sammy, I swear to God, couldn't wake you up, hell, you were barely fucking breathing so I got you in the car, hauled ass to Bobby's house to see if he could figure out what the hell."
Sam reaches down to touch his bare chest, his bruise is almost gone and he moves his legs, feels the sheet against bare skin, his dick giving a twitch as he lifts the cotton spread to look-
He's naked as the day he was born under there.
Dean sees his confused look and blushes, actually blushes, before growling defensive, "You kept spiking a damn fever, man, got so hot I had to keep putting ice packs on you, putting cold cloths on your forehead and chest to get you cool-and it seemed easier to keep you naked rather than fight your clothes every time I had to cool you off."
"What-what happened? Was it the ink? I mean-" Sam knows he must have been out for a while because Dean's really freaked the fuck out, face pinched white, skin stretched gaunt like he hasn't eaten in days and he's shaking, the hand petting Sam's hair trembling bad.
Never seen his brother so worried.
Dean rubs his arm, can't seem to stop touching him, eyes still jerky with fear, "Bobby said the ink was some sort of toxin and you went into a coma, Bobby kept saying you'd wake up, that you'd be fine but Jesus!" Dean's gaze is searching his face, his voice hoarse, a sob buried inside, "Been six goddamn days, man, was-was starting to lose hope, so fucking scared I lost you!"
And he's pulled into the best hug ever, warm arms holding tight, like he'll never let go and Sam gives a sigh of delight, never thought he'd have this again, Dean's touch surrounding him and he snuggles in, doesn't care how the hell it happened, he's gonna enjoy the shit out of it until it ends-
Wraps his arms around Dean's hard waist and inhales his brother's scent while a hand cups his head, holds him close and Sam relaxes into the familiar touch, the love in his heart swelling until it's all he knows, all he can think-
Says gruffly, with a laugh in his voice, because he needs to stay right here for fucking ever, "Last I knew, you were bitching at me for saving your ass...if I'da known I was gonna get this, I'da done it sooner."
He's shoved away so fast, his head is spinning, Dean jerking away, eyes down, won't look at Sam and shit, goddamn and fuck, Sam shoulda just kept his mouth shut and enjoyed but no, had to say something, always has to talk everything to fucking death instead of just accepting, enjoying-
"Dean, wait-" He's reaching out, trying to grab his brother, haul his ass back in-
But Dean sides-swipes, his voice choked, a low mutter, "Sorry about that. Just- scared, you know? Forgot- I'm not supposed to touch you and I was just-it was such a relief that you were okay, thought you were never gonna wake up and then you did and I-sorry, didn't mean to, ah, just, sorry."
There's a shrug of shoulders and Dean can't meet his eyes, his brother's hands clenched into fists, the raw tension pulsing through, like Dean's one second away from breaking-
Because the look on his face is crushed, shattered, and it's all on Sam, he knows it is, and damn it, he wants to take it back, all of it. Doesn't want them to just have once, wants forever, doesn't know how to tell Dean, doesn't even know if it will be accepted but he's gotta try because he's so fucking hungry for his brother's touch, so fucking ravenous for any glance that he's desperate, searching for any signs of longing in those beautiful eyes-
"Dean, maybe I-I mean, I wouldn't mind-" He trails away, hoping Dean gets it without him having to be humiliated, swallowing his pride because he's so fucking needy and doesn't want Dean to know just how much-
Dean cuts him off, doesn't hear, turning back to stare at him anxiously, "You-are you sure you're okay? I mean, your chest? Breathing okay?"
Sam nods fast, tries to sit up and show Dean, wants the pinched worry gone from his brother's face, "I feel fine. Really."
Dean reaches out, pushes Sam's bangs back, almost petting, "Good, that's good. You hungry? I can go get something."
The minute Sam thinks about food, his stomach gives a loud growl and they both chuckle, Sam shrugging his shoulders sheepishly, "Guess I'm a little hungry."
Dean gives one more pet and drops his hand, leaving Sam cold and alone, watching his brother grab the keys, stride to the door and turning back to smirk, "No salad crap this time, Sammy. You need grease and protein, and pie, lots of pie."
"Chocolate" Sam calls out and Dean, half out the door, turns and gives him a little boy grin "Chocolate it is. You rest. I'll be back soon."
As soon as the door closes, Sam's up and out of bed, needs a shower bad because he still smells sick, his beard itching his face and he's gotta piss like crazy.
Wants to be clean shaven and smelling good just in case Dean wants to-
Fuck, who's he kidding? Dean doesn't want him anymore, it was pretty obvious with how fucking fast he shoved Sam away the minute Sam mentioned anything close to intimate-
And that thought right there makes him nauseous, kills his appetite quicker than spit and he just hopes he can manage to get down a few bites of food, otherwise Dean will start hovering again-
#
The shower and shave lift his spirits, make him feel almost normal, sharp edges lulled into a simmering desperation, and he can almost keep it shoved down, pushed away so Dean doesn't see, doesn't want the tension back, that constant throb between them, just wants Dean to relax around him, touch him some more.
He throws the towel over the shower bar and walks out, starts rooting around in his duffle for clean clothes-
Hears the door open behind him and he jerks around in surprise-
And all the sound is sucked out of the room, the air a hot need-
Dean's frozen in place, mouth hanging open as his gaze trails over Sam's skin, taking in every naked inch, the greasy smelling brown bags hanging loosely from Dean's hands forgotten, falling to the floor unnoticed-
"Holy fuck, Sam!" And the tension slams in thick and heavy, Sam trembling with it, with the passion glittering in Dean's eyes, knows he should grab a blanket, cover himself but he can't, pinned in place like a bug under glass by Dean's piercing gaze.
Wants Deans gaze all over him, hungry and needy-
The air's pressing in, weighing down his shoulders and he tries sucking in a breath, tries to choke out a laugh, anything to break the scorching heat that's simmering in between them, clenching his gut with it, and his dick is rock hard in seconds, senses Dean's presence and remembers…
All he can manage is an aching moan and he makes his hands move, grabbing a t-shirt out of his duffle bag and belatedly covering his raging hard-on, stutters out an apology as he starts to turn away, "God, I'm sorry, Dean, thought I had time, thought you'd be gone longer-"
With a strangled moan, Dean's face goes gray, crumbles and he grabs the bags of food, tosses them blindly on the table and practically dives out of the open doorway, so fast Sam can feel the wind, the rejection, flood over him and guess that answers that question, he can resist Sam just fine, no problem at all. It's Sam that's got the fucking issues, the want that won't ever go away, the fucking hot need that's engulfing his dick, his brain, every fucking second, focused totally and completely on wanting Dean.
#
After two bites, he shoves it aside, the food thick ash in his mouth and he's gotta figure a way, can't let this go anymore, has to have his fucking brother if it kills him, needs to know that incredible body once again, needs to learn it, every inch, wants to make Dean scream for him-
How in the hell is he gonna get Dean to touch him again, to love on him again without Sam admitting how much he wants this-
And like a lock clicking into place, he knows what he has to do.
#
Dean's dragged from sleep abruptly, awareness scratching the surface, a familiar son of a bitch on his lips as he jerks upright, confused, Bowie knife in hand before he even blinks awake and it's Sam-
Jesus Christ!
He's stumbling around the room, jerking from window to doorway and back again, clawing to get out, the muttering whispers sliding into Dean's head, and he's at a loss, déjà vu, feels like it's weeks ago and he's back there, lost in the night terrors along with Sam-
His dick twitches and grows, remembering Sam's body, bucking up against his; Dean's hand curled tight around Sam's cock, jerking him off and then later, them together-
Finally got to have Sam, all of him, just once and shit, the feel of that sweet body against his, clenched tight around him, Sam's sweet whimpers of pleasure, filling his heart with joy, sating his love…
But not for fucking long because the next morning, he'd wanted Sam so fucking bad it took all his willpower, all his strength to drag himself away, lock himself in the bathroom and find some relief for his aching, wanting dick.
He's lost track of the number of times he's jerked off since then, hell, whenever Sam walks around without a shirt, Dean's back to yanking his dick in the fucking bathroom.
And those fucking tight jeans that coated Sam like a second skin, shit, he'd taken one look and beat feet to the john, his orgasm bright and sharp, ripping through him with just a few drags on his cock, the image of Sam driving him to the brink and over the edge.
And, Jesus, that last time, when Sam had walked out of the shower in that freaking towel, he'd almost choked on his tongue, his arousal shooting through his body so fast, his knees had buckled and he'd sat down fast on the bed, grabbed the remote and frantically turned up the volume, needed to lose himself there, couldn't let Sam see his hungry want, his always present lust for his baby brother.
All that delicious flesh, those incredible muscles, making Dean's mouth water, wanted to drop to his knees, rip that fucking towel off and suck Sam down, take him deep in his throat and suck down his come, wanted to drown in it, choke on it.
He'd made it two minutes into the infomercial before he broke-
The smell of Sam's aftershave, the shift of towel around his tight ass and his brother's back muscles as he'd dug into his duffle bag for clean clothes swirled together, drove him freaking insane and he'd choked out a muffled curse, threw down the remote and bee-lined for the bathroom, the fucking toilet lid almost imprinted with his ass cheeks, he'd been on it so freaking much-
And he'd beat himself off hard, the image of Sam and towel, and then Sam sans towel, had thrown him over the edge so fast, he was gasping with it, he barely managed two more strokes and he was spilling over his hand, biting his lip to hold back the tortured moans, fuck, can't do this shit anymore!
It's too much, living with Sam, head full of memories but arms still empty, still aching to have what he can never have again and he's crying, in his gut, in his heart, trying to be strong, trying to be Sammy's big brother but fuck, he wants-
And now this-
Another fucking night terror and Dean almost sobs, can't deal with this, can't wrestle Sam down again, have his brother fuck up against him again and not take-
Jesus, he's a man, alright? He's not a fucking priest who can do without; he's got needs…wants…
And he knows what the fuck Sam feels like, up close and personal, clenched around his dick and he's so on edge, right now, knows he's gonna break, knows he's gonna take his brother hard, wants that fucking sweet channel wrapped around him again, wants to pull those delicious sighs and moans from Sam's mouth, and it's not fucking fair, goddamn it!
Why the hell did Sam say only once? And why the hell is he tempting Dean now, with his every breath, with his hard body and soft eyes, it's like a damn insanity sentence, working at his subconscious, at his restraint, his walls and breaking them down, brick by brick, until all the mortar in the world couldn't hold them together any longer-
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Sam's clawing at the windows and doors, hopes like hell he's doing this right, because all he has to go on is Dean's description, whispering what Dean said he says, mimicking his movements because he wants Dean to jerk him off, wants Dean on the fucking edge-
Because he's gonna make something happen tonight, right now, gonna kiss his brother, hump on his brother, anything it fucking takes to get Dean to see they belong together.
Sam's shoulders are hunched up around his ears in nervousness, his back flesh picking and tingling, knows Dean's awake, watching him, heard the snore cut off, felt the movement and what the fuck is he waiting for? He's just sitting there, probably knows I'm jerking his chain and this isn't real but hell, he needs to say fucking something, do fucking something-
The hands on his shoulders land sudden and rough, almost make him jump but he catches himself hard, maintains position because he's not supposed to be reachable, not supposed to know the reality of this world-
Keeps whispering, fights against the clenching fingers digging in, and he's turned around, facing Dean and shit, doesn't know how he's supposed to look, can't look directly at Dean or he'll know Sam's faking his ass off-
Finds a spot over his brother's shoulder and stares at it, keeps muttering about 'him knowing and can't do this anymore', even as Dean's shoving him backwards, his brother's curses making his heart pound because that rough, sleep-worn voice is shuddering through him, coursing desire in his veins even as he's pushed across the room, thrown down onto his back, onto his bed and Dean climbs on top and holy fuck!
Yes, this! He doesn't even think, lands hands on Dean's hips and pulls him close, feeling Dean's hard length against his own and he bucks up, rolls his own pelvis in and the moan that falls helplessly from his mouth is pure and real and fuck, Dean feels good against him.
"Shit!" Dean is pushing at him, clawing at his hands, trying to get Sam to release him and he does, abruptly, before reaching up, mumbling hoarsely, "Need that fucking mouth!"
And he pulls Dean in, catches his lips in a kiss, holding Dean in place while he pushes in, opens his brother up, letting his tongue slide in, searching for Dean's-
Finds it right there and can't help the desperate groan that falls out, Jesus, that taste, all he's been wanting for weeks, and it chokes the breath out of him, so beautiful, so fucking beautiful-
Dean's pushing at him, at his shoulders, trying to stop this, trying to get away but Sam holds on tight, keeps his mouth pressed in, the sparking flame that's shooting through his gut at Dean's tongue on his fuels him, wants him to conquer, to possess-
But Dean's still struggling, not enjoying and goddamn it, Sam wants Dean on board with this, this is the fucking problem right here is that Dean won't let him, won't let them-
He breaks the kiss abruptly, all logic and reasoning gone, forgets completely what brought them here as he stares into those frantic green eyes and harshes out, "Jesus Christ, Dean, would you sit the fuck still and just enjoy this? Cause you're starting to seriously piss me off here!"
Dean jerks back like Sam just bit him, eyes huge and incredulous and oh, shit, he knows-
"Sam? You're awake? What-what the hell, man?"
"Dean-" Sam jumps in, tries to undo the damage he just wrought between them because Dean's expression is cut, crushed with hurt and confusion and fuck, he never meant for this to happen-
"No, just-don't, Sam. What, you were pretending to have a goddamn nightmare? Why? You want to bring me to my knees or something, tease me with this and then what? Tell me again why we can't have this, why we can't do this." And he shoves Sam away fast, gets off the bed before Sam can grab him and haul him back, "You're a fucking asshole, Sam!"
Dean turns away, a broken whine falling from his throat and Sam doesn't understand, Dean didn't want him anymore, at least, that's what it felt like so why is he acting like Sam just cut out his heart?
"Dean, wait, it wasn't like that, I just wanted-"
"Save it, Sam. I know what you wanted. You wanted to prove some point, of what the fuck I have no idea because it's all a game to you, isn't it? You don't give a rat's ass about me or how I feel inside, all you care about is controlling this, controlling me and I'm done. I've tried to give you what you want, tried to stay away from you and it's still not fucking enough for you! You still want goddamn more, to play stupid games and mess with my head. Never thought you'd be like this, cruel like this and I can't do this anymore, Sam. It's too much for me and I have to-fuck, I gotta go. I just can't-"
And Dean is grabbing his keys and jacket, swinging away and stalking towards the door, not even listening to Sam-
"Dean, don't, please! Don't go, just let me explain, I wanted you-"
And Dean swings back around, his green eyes dead and cold, lips pulled into a thin line of pain, "Fuck you, Sam. Just fuck you."
And with a sweep of cold air, Dean drags open the door and wades through, slamming it shut behind him and just like that, his brother's gone.
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