AN: So sorry for the long wait between updates, my muse up and left for a while but she's back now. Hope you enjoy!
##
And Hell, NO, this isn't happening! Sam's not gonna let it happen!
He's on his feet in an instant, skidding across the room so fast, he almost falls on his ass, gotta stop Dean from running, gotta clean up this freaking mess he's shoved them both into face-first.
He's out the door in a heartbeat, scanning Bobby's junkyard, expecting to see the Impala squealing away in a cloud of pissed-off exhaust, his brother hunched behind the wheel.
Instead he sees Dean, slumped over the top of the car, face buried in his arms, like he's got no strength, like he's broken-
Pulls Sam up short because he thinks Dean is-
Fuck, is he crying?
Dean suddenly shoves away from the car, whirls around and swipes an impatient arm across his eyes, bends down to pick up an old tire iron off the ground and hefts it, staring down at his fingers curled around it before he steps back and rears it over one shoulder, taking aim at a rusted out station wagon nearby.
CRASH!
It's so loud, the clang of metal on metal, that Sam jumps, shoulders hunched around his ears, gonna wake the fucking dead and he's flinching back at the savage curse that cuts through the air, "Son of a bitch!"
Dean hauls back and smashes in again, and again, peppering the air with curses, beating the old car to a pulp, doesn't stop until the door caves in under his attack and when he's done, panting harsh and staring with dull eyes at the damage he's wrought, he drops the tire iron and stumbles away, a hurt, choked sound breaking from his throat.
Still hasn't seen Sam frozen in place behind him, mouth hanging open in surprise.
Because he's never seen Dean so out of control and it's scaring the hell out of him, an aching grip in the pit of his stomach because Dean is always powerful, always decisive, knows what to do with a certainty that Sam secretly envies and this-this broken shell of a man isn't his brother, not what Dean should be and it rips a hole in Sam's gut because he did this, all of this, broke this strong, fierce man in ways he didn't even know he could and a black shame rolls over him, clenches his throat.
"Dean, wait!" He's lunging forward, just manages to catch one of Dean's arms and hauls him around, gonna get this straight right now, gonna fix this-
Dean's green eyes land on his and skitter away but not until Sam's seen the tears, the deep hurt shining out from under the harsh scowl, his brother trying to hide behind anger, yanking his arm out of Sam's grip even as he's snarling out the words, "Get offa me, asshole! Which fucking part aren't you getting, Sam? Because this…between us? It's done. We're done. So go peddle your fucking games somewhere else because I've had enough of your shit!"
But Sam won't let go, clutching tighter with both hands, gripping the soft leather jacket before Dean can turn away and hanging on for dear life, can't let go until Dean knows the truth.
"No, Dean, no! Not gonna let you go, gotta…fuck, just please don't go, need you to-need you to stay and- damn, I'm so sorry! Never meant to…" He gives a shuddering breath, gonna tell Dean all of it now, "Okay, I did mean to trick you, was like I had to because you were being like a fucking robot, man, no damn feelings at all, like our night together never happened and it did fucking happen, Dean, it did! And you were-like it meant nothing, like I was nothing and it-fuck, will you please just goddamn look at me!"
Dean's fierce gaze jerks back up to his, pins him in place like a bug under glass, licks into him like fire and he feels himself burning up, falling into the flames, drowning in the heat of those eyes and no, can't let himself go there yet, has to finish this.
Swallows hard over the lump in his throat, keeps his eyes locked on Dean's, and stammers out the rest, trying to put into words the loss, thesheer terror he'd felt at Dean's withdrawal, "Feel so goddamn alone in this, thought-thought you loved me, thought you wanted me, that's what you kept saying, over and over again but it's not true, man, can't be true because you just-goddamn left me, floundering, all by myself in this, shut me right out, so fucking cold and, and gone from me and I couldn't take it, you know? Wanted you to want me again, just once more, thought if I could get you to just touch me, you'd love me again-" Sam knows he sounds childish, hears the whine in his voice and it pisses him off, just like the tears burning at his eyes do and he gestures wild, angry, "Know you were only doing what I wanted and I just-didn't know it was gonna hurt so much, you know? Didn't know I was gonna want this so fucking much-"
Dean doesn't move, doesn't twitch, just stares into Sam's eyes, searching for something, muscles tense and stiff, not giving away a freaking thing and shit, didn't he hear Sam? Doesn't he feel anything, anything at all for Sam anymore? He just fucking pulled his pants down, exposed himself and revealed his heart and Dean's just goddamn standing there like a freaking statue, dead and unmoving.
Sam flexes his fingers still buried in Dean's jacket, gives a quick tug forward to get his brother's attention, needs him to let Sam in- "Dean, please, need you to talk to me, tell me what you're feeling, can't do this alone, man, come on! Tell me to fuck off, that you hate me, that you love me but fucking say something!"
And Dean moves so fast, all Sam sees is a blur, the sudden fierce grip on his arms making him cry out as he's lifted up bodily and spun around, his spine slamming into the car, crushing his breath and stealing his wind and all he can see are Dean's eyes, glittering with unshed tears, the voice raw anger, seething pain and black rage, the scowl dark and forbidding, "Say something? I'll say something, you manipulative little bitch!"
"No, Dean, it's not what you-" And his words are cut off by a hot mouth landing on his, teeth clanking against his so hard, it rattles his jaw and his mouth is forced open, the tongue that's shoved in harsh and cruel, no love there, no caring, it's rage and possession, fierce and punishing, his lips crushed, stretched wide, his head forced back, and the utter strength of his brother holding him down frightens Sam, wants Dean's kiss but not like this, not with hate.
Starts to struggle, tries to get his hands in between them, to shove Dean away but his wrists are caught, jerked away and held firm at his thighs by strong fists, Dean taking his mouth, rough and greedy, crushing him against the car, won't even let Sam suck in a decent breath and he twists against the hard body holding him in place, trying to push Dean away because he doesn't want it like this! It hurts and wounds and makes him feel dirty, betrayed.
And it's like Dean knows, just what he needs because suddenly the kiss changes, it softens and slows, the magical tongue sliding around his, curling and dancing, sending hot flicks of pleasure along Sam's nerves, erotic and sensual and he feels himself falling, drowning in his brother's taste, in the delicious kiss that's making him tremble with want.
And Sam's lost there, nothing else matters but this, Dean's incredible mouth on his, stealing his will to fight and turning him into an aching, quivering lump of nerves, begging for more of this, all he can get.
Dean doesn't release his mouth until he's been thoroughly kissed, his spirit, his determination, all melted into a puddle of hot lust and he chases after those sweet lips, wants to dive in again, lose his mind and just feel.
Sam's hands are freed and he flexes them, can still feel Dean's fierce grip and he catches his brother's eyes, blushing because he knows how he must look right now, as hot and flushed as he feels, mouth red and swollen, cheeks pink with desire, eyes glinting with lust and he's panting, for fuck's sake!
He gives a small moan, fingers dragging down Dean's ribs to his waist, hooking in belt loops and pulling close, blood humming in his ears as he tilts his head back, offers his mouth for more of his brother's taste, for more of that luscious tongue that circles and dives, rips him wide open and leaves him gasping there, filling his soul with a yearning he's never known before, shattering him, like he's dying, shivering sweetly, and fuck, yeah, stairway right to Goddamn heaven.
Feels the hands roaming gently over his back, sliding down the swell of his ass and squeezing tight, pulling him in so Dean's cock is right there, hard against his own and fuck, that feels good!
When Dean nips at his mouth, Sam can't do anything more than let him, Dean practically holding him up because Sam's knees buckled at the first swipe of tongue and now he's a limp, trembling, incoherent mess, clinging to his brother for support-
"Jesus Christ, Sammy." Dean's voice is broken, thick with want.
"God, love you so much, Dean, want you so bad-" And Sam slides his hand up, cups behind Dean's head and urges him in, mouth groping, wants more of that delectable taste, that luscious tongue-
"NO! Goddamn it, Sam, no!" And Dean's pushing away, stumbling back and the caressing hands are gone, his brother looking at him like he's pathetic, something to be pitied, the sneer on those full lips cutting him deep, the disgust too much to bear and he drops his head, can't look at it anymore, can't be here.
"Yeah, I-I get it, Dean and I'm so fucking sorry for all of this, man, I just-" And he turns away, ashamed, can't stand to see that look on his brother's face again and he's stuttering over the words, needs to get them out before he starts bawling, "G-God, don't know how to fix this, know I fucked us up and just so goddamn sorry…I'll-I'll go and you can stay, okay? Know I'm a fuck up, Dean, know I don't deserve you, deserve this and…shit, 'm sorry." He shoulders past Dean, starts walking fast, head down, hiding behind his long hair so the tears rolling down his cheeks will be concealed, his sole focus on putting space between him and his brother, doesn't want to hurt Dean anymore.
He's hauled back by the shirt collar, damn near choked on it and Dean's got a fierce grip on his shoulders shaking him rough, rocking through his brain, even as Dean's yelling in his face, "Goddamn it, Sam, you're not going anywhere! I swear to Christ, you are trying to drive me freaking crazy-feel like I hate you right now because of your stupid games and I can't take it, man, I just-it's like you're trying to rip my heart into goddamn pieces for fucking fun and what I want to know is why! I mean-what the fucking hell, Sammy?" Dean eyes are a puzzled hurt, lights in them flickering with pain, and he's shaking, mad as hell at himself, Sam can tell, because he's reached the edge, not able to keep his feelings shoved down, hidden and he's a hissing snake ready to strike, the loss of control making Dean twitchy, frightened and this isn't gonna go well, not well at all, because his brother's scared.
Scared to lose Sam if he pushes, scared to lose Sam if he doesn't and he needs control back, Sam can see it, knows his brother well enough, knows that he's ready to attack at the slightest provocation.
"I don't! Dean, please-"
He's reaching out, trying to touch, so Dean knows his heart but his hand is knocked away, Dean still shouting, "No! I've been up front with you, told you how I felt from the jump, let you see my heart twice, laid myself bare for you, so you could stomp it into the ground and you fucking steered this, Sammy, you made the rules, you set the limits and I went along because I love you and it was the only way I could have you! So, yeah, I promised you, one time only, because you insisted, because you demanded! And then you changed the fucking rules, Sam! You got a wild hair and decided you wanted more but couldn't back down, could you? Because it would mean you were wrong, that the great Sam Winchester made a mistake and you couldn't stand that, could you?"
Sam can't look at Dean, sinks lower into himself with every slap of words because Dean's calling him out, exactly right, spade's a spade, and he knows what he did, knows he's a piece of shit and that he doesn't deserve this man's love, he abused it, treated it like a joke, a game and the guilt claws more furrows in his heart, because now Dean knows, knows what he is, just how selfish, how horrible Sam is-
The clutch at his throat is thick and hurting, and all he wants is for Dean to forgive him, for Dean to love him again, to open his arms and take Sam in, hold him close and safe, warm his cold heart with pure love.
Gonna admit everything now, gonna let Dean see that he's weak, needy and that he loves Dean more than life, has to, gonna lose Dean if he doesn't, knows his brother's seconds away from walking, for good and he can't let that happen, needs Dean to be here, with him, as his brother if nothing else, and his voice is a raw, desperate, "Yes, ok? Fuck yes, I was wrong, made a mistake, hell, made a shit ton of mistakes, couldn't live with just once, needed you-Jesus, for good, for keeps, couldn't get the damn memories out of my head, you taking me, you inside me, filling me and just-wanted you so fucking much, it-every fucking thought, every second, and it's not goddamn fair, man! Shouldn't need you like this, it's wrong, Dean, so fucking wrong, all of it, and I-tried to do the right thing, tried to stop this but I'm-not strong enough, just-weak, so fucking weak when it comes to you. Love you, love you so damn much , just-" And Sam shakes his head, trails away, can't continue because he's gonna lose it in another second, nerves stretched thin and fraying, ready to snap.
Dean's eyes glitter at him, hot anger and something else, something dark and dangerous, just under the surface, live wires twisting and spitting and no ground in sight, and his skin picks and tingles, hairs goose –pimpling at the sudden tension between them, the pulse of air heavy with anticipation-
"You boys alright out there?" Bobby's voice floats over, and Sam nearly jumps out of his skin, forgot where they were, forgot it's the middle of the night and they're practically screaming at each other.
Knows Bobby's been awake since Dean was killing the car, dimly remembers a light going on behind a window but he'd been so focused on Dean, he hadn't connected the dots and now-
Shit, hopes Bobby hasn't been listening to their conversation because if he has, he just got a damn earful!
Dean doesn't blink, doesn't twitch as he responds, his voice loud and sure, eyes never leaving Sam's face, "Yeah, Bobby, me and Sam are just having a difference of opinion's all, nothing to worry about. Sorry we woke you."
"Idjits…" Dimly hears the word and it's almost enough to penetrate, make Sam crack a smile but at the last second, it rolls over him and away and he doesn't have any smiles left in him.
"Get your ass in the car." Dean growls it at him and Sam hurries to obey, knows Dean's reached it, end of the line and he's just aching to punch something – and if that something happens to be Sam's jaw, so be it, and he's not scared of his big brother, he's not. Just-Dean's always been able to kick his ass, his pain tolerance beyond belief because he's one stubborn son of a bitch and won't give in, won't back down until he's dead or unconscious.
If it comes to a slugging match, Sam's gonna wind up the loser and he knows it, they both know it, so there's no need to examine it or bring it to light, it just is-Dean's a better fighter than he is, always has been, and that's why he's always followed Dean's orders, his big brother alpha dog and Sam takes his rightful place, under Dean's control.
Settles into the passenger seat, just barely managing to yank his feet in and slam the door shut before the engine roars to life, Dean's heavy foot stomping down on the gas, squealing them the hell out of Bobby's.
Sam chews at his bottom lip, nerves on high alert, doesn't know what Dean's gonna do, if he's gonna drive Sam's ass to some town and leave him, thrown out like trash on the side of the road, pretty sure that's what he'd do if Dean treated him like Sam's been acting.
"Dean, where are we-?" He manages to squeak it out before he's cut off.
"Shut up!" Dean snarls at him, doesn't even look over, just snaps out the command and Sam does, his brother a force to be reckoned with and he doesn't want to get his ass kicked, doesn't want to get abandoned, just wants his stupid brother to love on him-
Knows they're way past that and the fear in his gut drags at him, fills him and he can only hunch forward, hug his knees and hope like hell Dean's still with him when this whole stupid, fucked up thing is over.
The car screeches to a halt and Sam drags his eyes up, staring out the open window at the woods all around, the full moon shining bright, and it rips something open in his heart, the stark beauty of it, the smell of pine heavy in the air.
The only sound is the ticking of engine and Dean's catch of breath, the shift of leather jacket rustling against the seat as his brother settles, grips the steering wheel with white knuckles, stares straight ahead.
The words are sudden, bitten out through gritted jaw, the agony laced through them sinking Sam even deeper into guilt, "Sam. If you've never in your life told me the truth before, I need you to fucking do it right now, okay? This is fucking everything right here and I've told you how it is with me, how deep it is and you still don't understand…you still don't get it and it's gotta be you, Sammy. I can't explain or reveal anymore, you've seen it all so now you've gotta tell me-"
Dean sucks in a breath and it's like he doesn't want to say, but he knows, just needs Sam to clarify, drill it home, "You keep saying it's wrong, this thing between us and you really believe it, it's not just taking the high road and being the better person, nope, there's something going on with you about this, something deeper and I gotta ask…No matter how much we want this, no matter how many times I make love to you, you're always gonna believe that, aren't you?"
"I-", Sam snaps his mouth shut, emotion washing over him like a tidal wave, because yes, it is wrong! Incest is wrong, Goddamn it! it's not just a whim or something, it's against the goddamn law of the world, brothers don't fuck brothers, it's just not done, it's goddam Deliverance and fucked up retarded children and inbreeding and Ned freaking Beatty squealing like a pig-
And what in the fuck is he thinking about that for? Neither one of them can get pregnant so it's a stupid moot point and Sam shakes his head, it's not that part that bothers him so much, not really and he just can't pinpoint it, his unease, his dread at the very thought.
So what the hell is it? Why can't Sam just let them have this, freely, without guilt?
And with a wave of clarity, of memory, he knows-
It's Dad. And Dean.
#
His father drilled homophobic shit into his head his whole life, made pointed, cutting remarks every chance he could about faggots and twinks, like he could see it, festering inside of Sam, especially when Sam talked about college, like just because he didn't want to fucking hunt his entire freaking life, it made him more feminine, less of a man-
Knew Dean was the same as Dad, that's why Dean fucked chicks like he was starving, to prove to his father, to everyone, that he was all man, no gay girly-ass stuff for him, that was okay for his little brother but Dean liked tits and anyone that said different got his ass kicked.
All his life, Sam had been made to feel less of a man than Dean and his Dad, all his life he'd been the 'girl' in the family, teased mercilessly by his brother with each salad he ordered, each poem he read aloud, each book he inhaled, it was like he wasn't a Winchester at all. Didn't fit with them, never fit that way and then, falling in love with Dean made it so much worse, because he knew then that he wasn't a man at all, never would be in his father's eyes.
Or in his brother's eyes.
His Dad told him that people like that, men like that, go straight to hell, that to be that way, ahomosexual,was a sin, against God, against nature and he'd scared the shit out of young Sam, condemning the stirrings of love in his heart for Dean and it's hopeless, knows he'll never get over that mindset, the weak trembling in his gut that leaves him helpless, afraid.
He's afraid to love Dean that way, to just let them because to admit, to allow, that he's gay and in love with his brother, will damn his soul forever.
#
He reaches out, catches Dean's arm and tries to say the truth but he can't, it hurts too much, the memories of his Dad, of Dean, drilling those fears into him and his stupid brother doesn't even know he had a part in it so Sam chokes out all he can, "Dean, please…Do love you, do want you, just-can't! Wish you could understand…"
But Dean shakes off his hand, face a tight clench of hurt, of fury because he's had enough, it's in his eyes, in the thin pressed line of his mouth, the firm grit of chin-
"Then until you can, Sam, until you can come to me and tell me that this isn't wrong and that you want me without holding back, without shame, I'm not fucking touching you!" And his eyes catch and lock on Sam's, defiant and cold, makes Sam cringe away from the look, because he knows now they're done, really done, for good.
It's over.
And he just wants to curl up and die now.
#
The drive back to Bobby's is slow and silent, with Dean gripping the wheel tight and Sam pressed up against the window, staring out into the dark, physically and mentally as far away from his brother as he can get.
It's when Dean flips the radio on that the shit hits the fan.
#
It's some stupid song, the whiny singer caterwauling about not letting love slip away and he takes it for about one minute before it starts scraping on his last nerve and he finally reaches over, twists the knob and shuts off the annoying wail.
Dean glances over, a nasty grin on his face, "Whassamatter, Sammy? Hitting a little too close to home for you?"
And the smug tone catches at Sam's temper and he glares at Dean, bites his tongue to hold in the snap of words that rise up fast-
Would've been okay if Dean had just shut up right then, let it rest but no, his goddamn brother's gotta keep digging, keep picking at the festering sore until it's blazing bright and harsh again and Sam's pulling in deep breaths, trying to stay calm, keep in control.
"Gotta hand it to you, Sam. Didn't think it was possible to fuck us up any more than we already are but you, man, it's like you're a freaking pro at it. Managed to turn me into a love-sick fool that actually thought you reciprocated, least that's what you said…gave me that sob story about me washing you in the shower and, fuck, man, I actually believed-" Dean shakes his head, rubs a rough hand across his mouth, "Like I said, Sam. A fucking pro."
The bitterness in Dean's voice is a hard cut to swallow, and Sam knows he put it there, knows it's not Dean's fault, he's just striking back, trying to hurt, trying to deal with his own pain but Sam just needs him to shut the fuck up, right now.
"Dean-" His voice is a low growl, a warning because the storm in his gut is swirling and eddying, the funnel cloud inside is growing larger, sucking in at his temper and pulling it raw and he can't take much more, gonna blow soon-
But Dean won't stop, huffs out a laugh, slicing deep into Sam's heart and twisting there, "Always thought I'd be safe, you know? Thought I could trust you, thought you loved me, like a brother if nothing else and now…didn't think we'd ever end up like this, like we can't even look at each other anymore. Fucking sucks, dude."
"Stop the car." Sam doesn't even know he's spoken, just hears the words clipped out into the air.
Dean glances over at him quick, assessing and then guns the engine, flipping on the radio again at tone-deaf volumes, drowning out talking, "Don't think so, Sam."
He waits a moment, tries to pull it back in, his anger, his childhood resentment but it's not going away, it's growing into a black ball of hate and it's high time that Dean knew, acknowledged what he and Dad did to Sam, how they imprisoned him into the role he was forced to play.
His arm shoots out, twists the knob fast, almost ripping it off the radio and says succinctly, into the deafening silence in the car, "I said, pull the fuck over. Now!"
His voice is deadly, sure, and he meets Dean's eyes, glaring into the intimidating green with a power that rages through him, won't back down, not now, not anymore, gonna tell Dean all of it now.
An expression crosses Dean's face, surprised and guarded, the gleam in those eyes wary, waiting and he nods, acquiesces-
Slows the car and pulls over onto the shoulder, turns the key off and the silence crowds them, the only sound the ticking of the engine in the heat of the night.
Sam jerks his door open and he's out, stalking away, trying to deep breathe so he doesn't rip his brother a new asshole-
Dean's behind him in a heartbeat, spinning him back around by one arm and then standing, challenging him, hands on hips, "You got something to say to me, Sammy?"
And before he knows it, he's spilling his guts, nasty and awful into the air between them, gonna make them deal with it now and it's probably gonna break them but at least it's out there and Dean will know the truth-
"All my life, all my fucking life, you and Dad…calling me gay, calling me a girl, making me feel so fucking inadequate and I'm goddamn tired of it. It stops here."
Dean flinches, his scowl darkening with confusion, "Sam, what're you…"
And Sam pokes an accusing finger into Dean's chest, "I'm talking about you, Dean, and Dad. And all the fucking shit, that went along with being Dad's son and your brother! Dad, being so damned homophobic, it was ridiculous, and I knew the threat was there, hanging over my head, every damn day, that he'd kill me if I ever turned gay and then there was you-my stud of a brother who fucked every girl just for breathing, just to prove a goddamn point. Do you have any idea what it was like? Loving you? Knowing it, how deep it was and being so fucking scared Dad would find out, start hating me, start calling me those names he called the others, the ones that were sinners…And you-helped! You were just as bad, calling me Samantha, calling me a girl every time I fucking turned around and then you wonder why I think this is wrong? What the hell am I supposed to think when it was drilled into my head since I was fucking six years old that gay is wrong, that gay means going to hell, black soul and hellfire and brimstone and outcast and loveless…it-"
Sam trails away, looks down, can't maintain eye contact because he just goddamn revealed everything, all the hurt in his heart he'd kept inside, his whole life, fear and rage at finding himself in love with his brother and stumbling there, lost and afraid, not able to declare himself, not able to talk to anybody about it.
Not even Dean.
And it's a deep hurt, a child's rage and he knows he's fucked up about it, knows he is but and he can't even look at Dean because he was a part in it-
"Sammy." Dean's voice is hoarse, soft, grabs his attention and curls a lick of want through because even though he's mad at Dean, that fucking tone, sultry and low, deep enough it licks at his brain, at his loins and holy hell, he loves Dean's voice, "Sammy, I'm so sorry…"
Sam cuts him off, shaking his head, "Too late now. Doesn't really matter anymore."
And even though it's softly spoken, it cuts through like a shout, "I-damn, I didn't even think about that, about how it came across and Jesus, Sam! What the hell? Why didn't you tell me about this before?"
"Tried. Over and over again. You-didn't want to know. And neither did Dad. Told you, this, between us? It's wrong. So fucking wrong to be so fucked up like this and I can't get past it! Know if we keep going, it's gonna be like Dad said, we're both gonna rot in hell, damn our souls and, and…" And he shakes his head, knows intellectually it's not true but the horrible pictures his Dad painted in his head when he was a child are still bright and detailed, still scare the crap out of him but he doesn't want Dean to feel sorry for him, doesn't want Dean to think he's stupid.
Hell, Sam doesn't know what he wants-
"Okay, okay, let's just…" Dean stops, bites at his lip and stares at Sam, eyes darkening with sudden mischief as a grin spreads across his face.
And Sam can't believe it, his fucking brother is laughing at him and of all the reactions he thought he'd get from Dean, this freaking smirk wasn't one of them and his anger heats up, floods through and before he even thinks about it, he's swinging wild, fist crunching into his brother's jaw, whipping Dean's head around, shouting into Dean's face, "What the fuck is so goddamn funny, asshole!"
"Sam, shit! What the hell you hitting me for?" Dean has a hand to his jaw, shaking his head to clear it, looking at Sam like he just grew three heads and then his jaw firms, he gives Sam a predatory look and dives for him, catching Sam and lifting him off his feet, tossing him over one hip.
Sam lands hard on his back, the breath knocked out of him and the next thing he knows, Dean's on top of him, straddling him, knees gripping in, while strong hands hold down his shoulders and the idiotic grin is still playing over his brother's mouth-
"Oh, Sammy…you probably shouldn't have done that, man, 'cause payback's a bitch!" And Dean slides down Sam's body with his hips, stretching out to his full length, laying on top of him, heavy and warm and Sam still can't catch his breath, doesn't know how the hell he ended up here so fast, under Dean, disabled and caught, held.
"Stop laughing at me, jerk!" He yells it up in Dean's face, struggles to get his hands free, to get out from underneath his asshole of a brother, bucking up with his hips to try to dislodge the hard body pressing into his, still pissed off to beat the band because he just fucking revealed himself and Dean thinks it's all a goddamn joke!
Dean leans over, nuzzles under his chin and kisses gently, breathes warm into his skin, "Not laughing at you. Laughing at us. Dude, I already been to hell, remember? And gay? I've been gayer in the last week and a half than you'll ever be, Sammy, so fuck Dad and fuck every homophobic crap thing he ever said to you. This is you and me, dude, and we're the only ones in this, not Dad, not all the chicks I screwed, not how many times I teased you and called you names. You and me, gay as hell and so freaking hot for each other, we're boiling over with it, at least I am. And I know you want me just as much. Don't you?" Dean pulls back, plants a sweet kiss on his mouth and laughs at the stunned look Sam knows is stretched across his face because what Dean said, it's just…
It can't be that simple. Not after a lifetime's worth of fucked up but-
It's true. Dean has been to hell, came back from it and he's still alive, not burning with eternal fire and his soul, even though it's bent a little, isn't black and ruined.
And Dean did kiss him first, at least in awake time, broke down the walls between them and he doesn't even seem to mind his sudden complete gayness, actually seems to be enjoying it, truth be told. Certainly doesn't have all these hang-ups associated with it that Sam does.
It can't be that simple.
But it is.
When he breathes it in, it's easy and clean, and the relief flows like honey, sweet in his veins, singing in his head and it's just-
Yeah. Hell, yeah.
Another kiss lands on his mouth, deliciously soft with a slight press of tongue, just enough pressure to convince Sam to part his lips, let Dean slide in for a taste, just the tip, circling his, pulling sparks of trembling pleasure through his gut and damn, what this man does to him.
Dean draws back, studies his face and sees it, shining there new and pure, the acceptance, the love, bends down to nudge against Sam's face and whisper hotly, "So what do you think, Homo Joe? Wanna make me your gay bitch and kick the doors wide open on this Hell we're supposedly going to?"
And he tries to hold it in, feels it bubbling up, trembling at the edges and he finally loses it when Dean purses his lips and bats his eyelashes at him-
Bursts into a freeing laugh, lets it roll out of him because his brother is an idiot, "Oh, for Christ's sake, Dean! You look ridiculous, man!"
"But you love me anyway, don't you?" Dean reaches up, strokes through Sam's hair.
And his laughter dies away, staring up into Dean's eyes and all he can do is touch back, caress gently and let the truth roll on out, "Fuck, yeah, I do. With all my soul, damned or not."
"Then, what say we get this party started, Sammy?" Dean leers down at his body suggestively, shooting instant fire down into Sam's dick.
And Sam can't do anything else but pant out his agreement, his heart thudding deep in his chest, gonna have Dean, gonna know Dean, all of him.
Fucking finally.
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