Chapter 26

Argis watched Jorik with a satisfied smile. They were still far from Whiterun and he was sleeping peacefully. "I won't be leaving until he wakes, doesn't matter how long it takes," Argis told them as they sat by the fire.

"We'll leave when you do," Vilkas stated as he glanced at Jorik also. "We owe him that much."

"Does he know what happened in Whiterun?" Farkas asked quietly.

"No, I haven't told him yet. I know when he finds out…" Argis hesitated, not actually able to voice that thought out loud. He knew Jorik would take it hard, he wasn't even sure Jorik would be able to accept what happened.

"You can't keep hiding it, he will find out when he gets to Whiterun and his housecarl isn't there," Vilkas stated.

"I know," Argis muttered, with a desolate sigh he left the three warriors by the fire walking a short distance from camp. He needed time to think, to figure a way to tell Jorik that he killed a total of five innocent people including his housecarl; a woman that had been with him since the beginning. That was a conversation he wasn't going to enjoy. He knew he had to tell him before Whiterun, but how to do that without losing Jorik to his self-loathing he didn't know.

~ooooooooooooooooo~

A golden dragon flew the sky, the sun glinting off of its wings, blinding him for a second. Jorik glanced around, smiling softly when he saw that he was in Sovngarde once more. It was peaceful here, there was no worries, no reason for the heaviness in his chest that was gone now. Gone… he didn't know what caused the heaviness but it started as soon as he became a man once more.

The ground shuddered beneath him as the large dragon landed. "Hercine will not like losing you," the dragon rumbled.

"He will have to learn to live with it," Jorik retorted. "I will not be a pawn for the deadra."

Silence descended, both watched old long forgotten warriors roam the land.

"Why am I here?" Jorik asked quietly.

"Are you ready?" Akatosh asked, watching his warrior closely.

"To defeat your son, yes I am ready," Jorik answered automatically.

"Then why are you still here?" Akatosh asked calmly.

"There's peace here, the tightness in my chest is gone. The horrible feeling that I did something that I will never forgive myself for is gone. My dragon is at peace here," Jorik answered tiredly.

"Is it your dragon or your mortal soul at peace?" Akatosh asked knowingly.

"I don't know," Jorik mumbled. "What did I do that makes me hesitate going back?"

"That is not for me to say, ask your companions," Akatosh answered and started to fade leaving Jorik to watch the Sovngarde alone once more.

The image faded once more he was thrown into the nightmare.

Long fingers tipped with deadly claws sunk into flesh, the smell of fresh blood and meat urged him on. The feeling of flesh giving was addictive, the moan of pain music to his ears. He wanted more, needed more. The blood… the sweet coppery fluid was like rich wine, smooth and sweet.

The souls pressed at him, disgusted, angry, and yet they enjoyed the smell of the blood, the taste of it. He was being pulled by two different beasts, both wanting the same thing. One beast needed to dominate, the other was dominant, which was which he didn't know.

Scents, so many smells surrounded him, called to him. So many bodies to choose from, so much fresh meat, so much fear surrounding him. It all called to him, and the beast in him wanted to taste each of them.

Jorik awoke with a silent scream, sweat beading on his forehead. He heaved a deep breath trying to slow his racing heart. Quickly he glanced around, everyone except Argis was sleeping. Argis lay awake next to him, watching him intently.

"You ok?" Argis asked, lightly running his hand down Jorik's back.

"Yeah, a nightmare, or a memory, I'm not sure. If it's a memory, then…" Jorik whispered with a shudder, he turned horrified eyes to Argis. "What did I do?" He didn't want to know the answer, but needed an answer, he was going insane with the knowledge that he had done some so very terrible.

"Jorik, please don't ask," Argis croaked, bowing his head so Jorik didn't see his worry. Right now he needed to be strong for his husband.

"Argis… please…" Jorik took his face in his hands. "Please I need to know. I know I did something terrible, it haunts my dreams. I can taste the blood, feel flesh giving beneath my hands. What did I do that those memories would come to me?"

"You were in beast form and in the center of town…" Argis croaked, and met Jorik's haunted eyes with his own. "Lydia and I went to see what the screams were about. Lydia… gods Jorik…" Argis groaned torturously, he knew this next part would kill Jorik. He didn't want to say it, he didn't want him to know.

"What? What about Lydia?" Jorik asked urgently.

"She didn't make it. You were coming for me and she took the swipe of your claws," Argis whispered hoarsely and watched as Jorik's face went blank. He watched the light die out of his eyes. There was no emotion, no sense of the man he knew. He waited for something kind of reaction, something, anything, but there was nothing. Jorik stared at nothing. This was worse than when he was trapped in the beast form. This was scary, this was a look of a man who lost everything.

"Jorik! No, listen to me!" Argis nearly shouted to get his husband's attention. He didn't care if he woke the camp. "Its not your fault. You had no control and those that were supposed to control you didn't. Those that let you out into the city are the ones that should be blamed!"

Argis felt his heart clench as Jorik rose slowly to his feet. Without another glance to him Jorik walked away from him. "JORIK!" Argis called loudly. His husband stopped for a moment and turned to him. Hope started to blossom, but died as soon as his husband talked.

"When we get into Whiterun I am turning myself in. You should head back to Markarth, after I am let out of jail I will be finding out how to kill Alduin. Once he's destroyed, you'll be free to remarry," Jorik stated sharply.

"No. We'll work through this. I am not leaving your side and if you think you can chase me away then you better think again. If I didn't run from your beast there is no way I am running from you!" Argis retorted. With each word stated he took a step to his husband until they were mere inches from each other. "I will not leave you and I will not let you condemn yourself for something that wasn't your control!"

"Argis, its better this way. I am a murderer. I killed Lydia, not you, not the companions, ME!" Jorik snarled.

"No son, you didn't. Your beast did. Alea and Skjor should have listened to my advice but they didn't. They should have kept you in the undercroft of the skyforge, but they didn't. This is not your fault, the only fault you have is not listening to Akatosh," Kodlak stated stepping out of his tent followed by Vilkas and Farkas.

"Jorik we all went through what you have done. My first change I killed innocents too. Next to you Farkas was the worst, he killed more than any of us," Vilkas said, he hoped this helped. He didn't want to lose Jorik.

"Vilkas don't. I know what you are trying to do, but don't," Jorik snapped. "I am going to the Jarl. I am going to fight Alduin."

"You were always going to fight Alduin, but this time you'll die with him too. I can see it in your eyes Jorik. I can tell you this, it's not what your father would want," Kodlak reminded him.

"Aden is dead," Jorik stated.

"Yes he is. But what of your dreams? What of Akatosh? What does he want of you? Do you think the god of time wants you to die?" Kodlak argued.

"The god of time already knows what's going to happen, so don't give me that bull," Jorik snapped coldly.

"I never thought you were a coward. Well you had us all fooled Jorik," Farkas said calmly, with a smirk.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jorik asked angrily.

"The great dragonborn is giving up, like a coward because he made a mistake. I made many mistakes, killed a close friend when I first shifted, and yet here I am living with it. What are you doing? Giving up, running once more. I know if that great dragon was here he would look at you in disgust," Farkas said with a shrug.

Jorik stared at him, he forcibly pushed the souls though out of his mind. He didn't want to listen to them right now, he knew what they would say. He could feel their anger, disgust rage at him for giving up. It irked him that Farkas made sense. It angered him that he lost so much control that he killed someone close to him and yet Farkas had done the same. Here he stood berating him for being a coward and in truth he was acting like one.

He glanced at Argis and saw the hope in his eyes. Hope for him, hope that he couldn't crush, but could he accept what he had done. Could he accept Lydia's death. He would speak with Balgruuf and if he ended up in jail he would pay the price. Argis would have to accept that.

"You won't talk me out of talking to Balgruuf. I wouldn't be me if I didn't," Jorik stated and turned back towards the tent. He heard the sighs of relief. They were so wrong to do that, it wasn't over yet. Yes Farkas made sense, but he was still a murderer. Whiterun would tell all, in Whiterun he would be able to see if he could accept what he had done. Right now, words were all he had and he didn't want to give false hope.