Ok a little back tracking and not a lot of dialog... this chapters is more about Shepard's take on all that has happened to her and her discovering new feelings towards Garrus.

Oh and too the guest who reviewed correcting my grammar... Thank you! You weren't nagging in the least! Please by all means tell me of my mistakes and I'll try to fix them... every little bits helps me become a better writer!

Again I own nothing ... If I did I wouldn't be up to my eyeballs in college debt as well as we would have gotten to see more of the Garrus/Shepard sex scene!

and as always my lovely ducks please R&R

Her movement startled him out of his morbid thoughts. As she stepped up to him, she gently placed a hand on his scarred cheek.

"Garrus," she said softly, "talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

She had never been very good at things such as this. Building and maintaining relationships had been hard for her. Sure she had had friends as a child but those relationships either died or became strained with age. Over time couples paired off, clicks were formed, and rivalries took center stage. Being an orphan and running with the Reds had not exactly helped either. She had not learned to trust anyone without fear of being stabbed in the back, both figuratively and literally, until she joined the Navy and Anderson had taken her under his wing. Even then she had trusted her fellow soldiers with having her back but never in any other aspect of her life.

That was probably why she emotionally survived Akuze. They had been her team, fellow soldiers, allies, her "friends" even, but never once did she consider any of them true friends that she was particularly close to. Sure they were her "friends" while they needed her, but she never trusted them not to leave, not to stab her in the back off the battle field, not to go off and die on her.

Ah, there it was, the real problem. Jane Shepard's real problem was that she was scared. She was scared of loosing those close to her. Loss, that was the one constant in her life. Her parents had either died, did not want her, or could not keep her, but, no matter the situation, their absence was a palpable pain in her heart. She had lost Lilly, the closest thing to a true childhood friend to the gangs. And though they had not known each other more then a few months, Lilly's untimely death had hurt beyond measure. Mrs. Cartwright, the kind elderly librarian that let her stay among the shelves on cold rainy nights, brought her food, and watched out for her was taken from her by a rare and non-treatable cancer. And there had been others before Akuze, fellow soldiers she had lost along the way. Each of her fellow soldiers' deaths had hurt, but not as much as it could have.

So there it is, the ugly truth for all the world to see. Commander Jane Shepard, first human spectre, savior of the Citadel was afraid that if she got to close, cared to much, or dared to love she would loose everything.

Love, that was another topic that ate at her, and it had all linked back to her trust issues. She could and would trusted people. She trusted her team to have her back in a fight. She trusted her crew, even the Cerberus ones, to do their jobs and do it right. She trusted a lot of people in a lot of different ways. She trusted Ashley to get past her Xenophobia on the SR1. She trusted Joker not to crash them on some desolate planet, Tali to keep the Normandy flying, Ms. Gotto to not steal them dry, even trusted Grunt to not kill anyone or anything, though she must admit that last one was a bit of a challenge. But as much as she could, would, or even wanted to trust people, she had never ever trusted anyone with her heart.

Until Kaidan.

He had wormed his way into her heart with soft spoken words. He had proven himself loyal on every mission. And he had proven himself a kind and excellent lover the night before llios.

Then she died.

She did not mean to. But whether she wanted to believe it or not, her team had became important to her and she WAS NOT going to loose her pilot.

So instead, she lost the ship that had became not only home but her safe haven, and her life.

When she woke up on that Cerberus table, she had lost two years. She might have gotten back her ship, her pilot, and her life, but she had lost a crew she trusted, the support of the Alliance (though she was not sure she ever had it in the first place), and the one and only man she loved.

And then she lost him again on Horizon.

The only thing that had gotten her though it all had been Garrus. Finding him in that hell hole that was Omega had been the biggest blessing she had experienced in her life. When she saw him take off that helment she wanted to run to him, hug him, feel that he was real. She had even gotten her arms spread to do just that when she thought about the two Cerberus officers behind her.

She was afraid for a moment that she had lost him as soon as she had found him. Not physically, it was him, he was there in front of her, but mentally and emotionally. He had looked older and worn down. There was less drive, less of that youthful optimism, less of that playful sparkle in his eyes. And all of a sudden he was not the aspiring C-Sec officer she had met in the wards. He was not the playful mechanic that she used to shoot the bull with under the Mako, or the young bad ass sniper that made fun of her driving or challenged her head shot count.

And for a moment Jane's world had come crashing down. Her chest tightened and she could not breath. All of her losses paled in comparison to, not even loosing him figuratively or physically, but loosing him in anyway.

Please...

She silently begged to God, The Goddess, the Spirits, anyone that would answer her plea.

Please, please give me a sign that it's him, and that I am not talking to the shell of the man l once knew...

And there it was, in the way that cocked his head, the way his mandibles flared, the way he awkwardly scratch the back of his neck when he said his name was just Garrus to her. And she could breath again. It was in the he held his rifle and the way clapped her shoulder and said it will be just like old times that her world not only became whole again but brighter.

GARRUS!

She closed her eyes to the memory.

She had nearly lost him a second time. There had been so much blood. She had screamed, she had cried, she prayed and she knew her heart was breaking.

It was not until much later, after Horizon, that she realized that in that moment, that one horrible moment, the moment she saw that rocket hit his face, the moment he hit the ground, her heart had broken more than in any other moment in her life. Every thing, every loss paled in comparison.

Even loosing Kaidan a second time.

It was while standing in the doorway of her cabin that she realized just how much she cared for him. Wrapped up in Garrus's arms only a week after Kaidan chose the Alliance over her, while she cried. In all her life she had only cried twice in the presence of others. The first when he took a rocket to his face. The second with him rocking her shaking body as she sobbed in her doorway. He probably thought she was crying over Kadian's betrayal, and she was, but she was crying over so much more. That night she had cried for everything she had lost. However, she cried even harder for all that she had. She had the Normandy back, some of her team was still there, she had her life back, and she had Garrus.

Garrus, only Garrus would have known how much Kadian's choice had hurt her. Only he would have known to come check on her. He had always watched her back without question. He had always been there to pick her up, make her laugh, even put her in her place when she needed an ego check. He had never let her down, had never turned his back on her. Sure he had been startled, confused, and even a little shaken up to see her alive, but he still trusted her to have his back as much as he still had hers. He had questioned her ties to Cerberus, but in the end he had said he would follow her in to hell and any where else she might go.

And he, above all, had never left her. Even when he went back to C-Sec he had not been absent from her life. Every time he got the chance he would message her, ask her how she was, when she was going to be on the Citadel so they could catch up. It was a fact that on any mission they took on could be their last, but she knew, somewhere deep in her heart that he would never leave her of his own free will. That night she had cried he never once left her side. Even when she had fallen into a deep sleep, tear stained face softly lit by her sad empty fish tanks, he stayed.

They had never talked about that night, both trusting that if the other needed something they would seek the other out.

Or so she thought.

Something was definitely wrong with Garrus. He avoided her like the plague. And when she did get him to speak to her he seemed nervous, twitchy, and evasive. He had thrown himself into his work. The Normandy had never been so completely calibrated before, which was not necessarily a bad thing. However, when EDI had alerted Chakwas to the fact he was not eating and barely slept, as was her job, the doc had a few words for him. She prescribed him a sleep aid and ordered him to eat in a way only a scolding mother could. The good doctor also had to inform the commander that she prescribed the sleep aid, as was protocol because it may have hindered performance in field.

That was the final straw for Shepard. She had to find out what was wrong with him. She might not had been ready to trust him with her heart just yet, but he was her only true friend in that screwed up galaxy.

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