Yes Yes I know It's at a stand still ... It's just like I told Musicalrain (SEE I TOLD YOU) that if I make plans (LIKE TO SPEED THIS THING UP) The story drives it in a whole nother direction!
We would have got past this scene already if I hadn't wanted to keep the chapters close to the same length. So I will be posting chapters back to back, like almost everyday, until we get past this background boring, scene!
The next chapter is already half way done (since I chopped this one in half) and will be posted later tonight or in the morning... unless I decide to be mean because nobody reviewed... _ ... I wouldn't do that! o.o
BUT PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW !
Her movement startled him out of his morbid thoughts. As she stepped up to him, she gently placed a hand on his scarred cheek.
"Garrus," she said softly, "talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."
Shepard hand drifted down under his mandibles and with a gentle nudge brought his eyes up to hers.
When his eyes met hers, she was struck with the emotion she saw there. Pain and anger she expected but fear was something new.
What does he have to be frightened of? … I mean besides going on a suicide mission… he's never hesitated or expressed concern before… Maybe it has to do with Sidonis living… Maybe he thinks Sidonis will get others killed… or maybe it's the fear and guilt of not being sure you did the right thing…
"Does this have something to do with Sidonis?"
"Does this have something to do with Sidonis?"
Sidonis?…
He had almost missed her question. She had spoken so quietly, so tenderly, that he felt a swell of emotion for the young women in front of him.
When she had startled him out of his thoughts not minutes ago it was all he could do not to nuzzle into her hand, not to crush her to him, hold her tight and never let her go. He was sure it was written all over his face and if another Turian had been there, he was sure he would have been called out on his sub-harmonics that were screaming of love, adoration, and fear.
Thank the Spirits humans can't understand our sub-harmonics! … Actually if they did I have a feeling this would be a lot easier … or better yet if they used them as well!...
Fear overwhelmed him. What if she noticed, what if she hated him, what if she was disgusted that a Turian loved her.
Yep, he loved her. It was a shock he did not notice it earlier. At that realization he, once again, had the urge to bang his head against the bulkhead.
Love! He just had to go and fall in love with her! If it was only a crush he could have kept avoiding her, waited till we got to the Citadel, bought an Asari lap dance, and been home free, but now, because he knew he loved her, there neither would nor could be anyone other than her; which meant there would be no getting over her and avoiding her was not an option. After all he could not avoid her forever. It would kill him as well as destroy their friendship, and Garrus was not ready to die of anything other than embarrassment at the moment.
And here I thought this couldn't get any worse…
It was then he noticed the fear and self-doubt displayed in her eyes.
Great going Vakarian… Now she thinks you're mad at her… Come on be a man… Turian… Whatever… Open that big mouth of yours and do something right for once…
"N-No! It's got nothing to do with Sidonis!" He looked up at her again with surprise.
If anything he was grateful to her for stopping him. He knew she hated vengeful unnecessary killings. Killing Sidonis would have been wrong. However, a sick, selfish part of him was happy that he would not have to look at the disappointment in her face. Still, he had wanted revenge and would have gone through with it if it had not been for her.
I can only imagine how disappointed in me she is… If it weren't for her…
He could acknowledge that she kept him flying straight and true. She was right when she said that he was not himself when he went to Citadel that day. She knew him better then he knew himself and that scared him. Mainly because it begged the question, if Shepard was not there to guide him, how would he know who he really was? After all look what happened after she had died.
Garrus cringed as the memories came flooding back. That had to have been the darkest time in his life.
Leaving the Normandy after Sovereign and Saren had been hard, but Shepard had given him a new hope and a new drive not only to rejoin C-Sec but also to reapply for Spectre training, much to his father's disgust.
Telling his father that he was going to reapply was as just as scary if not more so then facing down Saren. Needless to say the Senior Vakarian had not been amused in the least. He had accused Shepard of leading him down a dark dangerous path, insulted the Spectre, and belittled all they had fought for. It reminded Garrus of a human saying he had heard long before meeting the red headed commander. A saying he had not truly understand was a cross species phenomenon until that night sitting across from his father.
People who are so firmly rooted in their own delusional realities and misguided beliefs, will never acknowledge or believe, even if seen through their own eyes, to be the truth; for whatever they see will forever be shadowed and obscured by rose colored glasses.
The ironic thing had been that he and his father had been sitting in the Noodle House overlooking the rebuilding and repair of the Citadel. How did his father think all the damage happened? Could the man really be that blind? Garrus had said some things that night that he truly wanted to forget. However, that did not mean he had meant any of it any less. He had defended Shepard, the Spectres, and humans alike. He had defended his choice to leave C-Sec and follow his commander. He had even at one point, much to his own surprise, defended Saren; after all, the Turian spectre did kill himself for the betterment of the galaxy.
He had also not spoken with his father since that night.
Little did Garrus know how right his father had been, he might have at least stayed long enough to finish his Quarian Pasta Plate. Not right in the sense of reapplying to become a spectre, but of his righteous switch from C-Sec officer and potential spectre candidate to Omega's Archangel.
The only thing that had kept him from running back to the Normandy, in spite of his father, was his need to make his commander proud. Shepard's faith in him gave him the push he needed to really apply himself. For the first time in his life he felt he had everything to succeed. He had felt not only the drive but also the self-confidence to succeed. If Shepard had faith in him, it meant she truly thought he could become whatever he wanted to be. She had given him to key to escaping his father's shadow. It did not matter to Garrus that his father was not proud of him. Well, it did a little, but not near as much as it once had. He was his own person and saw himself as such.
Then she died.
They had talked via the extranet practically every day. They had joked and he had even invited her out on her next stop to the Citadel.
Vakarian, did you just ask me out on a date? –S
He blushed blue.
Nope just two old partners in crime grabbing a drink and catching up. Why, did you want it to be a date? –G
He smirked as he pictured her face.
Just making sure you hadn't lost your Turian mind! –S
He just chuckled. Of all the awkward things he said, Shepard had made it a point to not embarrass or tease him about it, much to Tali's dismay. Tali loved to tease him and reminded him of his sister Solana.
It's a date then! –G
I thought you just sai-
Garrus looked at his omni tool in puzzlement before shrugging.
Probably accidently hit send then got busy…
It was a week later before he got the news of the Normandy's destruction. Anderson had called requesting that he come immediately to the docking bay. He had met Garrus outside and explained what happened and that he did not yet know if there were any casualties or who those casualties involved.
"The escape pods just arrived. Medical staff is already stationed waiting. Their prepared for the worst Garrus, and I'm sorry. I thought you should be here though, Shepard always spoke very highly of you and you are still a part of her team."
Garrus had stood there in shock and at least waited for Anderson to finish speaking before he mowed him down and ran into the bay.
He did not remember much after that. He had run into the bay with one person in mind.
Where's Shepard… Where's Jane…
There were only a hand full of times Garrus had ever thought of Shepard as a women and not his commander. Well, a human hand full, so five times to be exact. The first was searching for her amongst the Normandy Crew, the three were on Omega.
He did not go to her funeral. He could not handle the thought of the empty casket. They had not found her body the official had said. The man had also said she had been spaced and she had been pulled into Alchera's atmosphere along with the rubble of the Normandy.
The thought of going to Alchera had crossed his mind but he could not risk it. She was still alive in him, in his actions, in his mind and his heart. Confirming her death would be confirming his as well. No, he would not risk the pain nor would he go on a futile search. She would not have wanted that.
She would not have wanted him to end up on Omega either, however that is where he found himself.
He had thought of her all the time. He thought of her while on recruiting his team; trying to see in them what she had seen in him. He thought of her while on missions as he tried to act in ways that would not only honor her memory but would make her proud of him. He thought of her so much that he would have sworn that he heard her voice, that she spoke to him, guided him, and encouraged him.
Some would have called him crazy, others would have called him insane, but the thought of her was a comfort.
Until Sidonis betrayed him.
He hated Sidonis for many things, but he hated himself for more. Sidonis might have betrayed him and his team; he might have gotten ten good men killed, however, ultimately, it was Garrus's fault. If Garrus had not been so trusting, not so willing to see them for what they really could be, not so willing to see the good in people in the way Shepard had they might still be alive.
That was the reason he had wanted vengeance on Sidonis. It had not really been about the betrayal as much as it had been about confirming that Shepard was in fact wrong, that he had had a right to doubt her. That he, Garrus Vakarian, had not lost his faith in his commander, his friend, and his personal hero for no reason. It was the guilt that he questioned her and her teachings.
But, he also needed, craved, and desired the knowledge that Shepard had not led him astray.
"Jane…"
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