***STEPHENIE MEYER OWNS TWILIGHT***

A/N: Thanks to everyone for your continued support of this story. Special thanks to frostedglaze for the collaboration and ideas on "special events" in this chapter! Cullen Crazy Train now leaving the station…all aboard!

EPOV

Bella may be carrying my child. It's quick, I'll admit that. But technically we have been together several years, but only married a short time. My mind is going a mile a minute as we sit here in the doctor's office waiting to be called back to see if we are pregnant or not. We've discussed it and decided that if Bella isn't pregnant, she'll get another year's worth of the birth control shot and after that we'll come off of it and begin trying to conceive.

I suddenly realized that I am absolutely exhausted. I'd just come off a twelve hour shift and was in fact still wearing my uniform. Bella said she would be ok with me going home instead of coming to the appointment with her. I looked at her like she had grown three heads. No way in hell was I going to miss this, or any future appointments for that matter. I glance over at my stunning wife. She is flipping through a "Parenting" magazine and biting that damn bottom lip. I know she's nervous, but she knows what the sight of that does to my nether regions. How bad will it look if I walk into Dr. Amun's office with a raging hard on?

"Baby, stop biting your lip. Don't make me have my way with you in the doctor's office Isabella." I winked at her and cue the blush. God I loved this woman.

"Sorry Trooper, I can't help it. I'm nervous as hell. What's taking so long?"

"Bella, we've only been here ten minutes. Relax Sweetheart." I put my arm around her and began to massage the back of her neck. She melted into my touch immediately. I leaned over to kiss her temple just as the nurse stepped through the door.

"Isabella Cullen?" I couldn't help the smile that appeared on my face hearing my Bella being called with my last name as her own. I would never tire of hearing it. We both stood and walked inside the inner office behind the nurse. The nurse asked Bella to step on the scale, causing a groan to escape my beautiful bride. I rolled my eyes at her wondering what the hell that was all about. Bella weighed in at a sleek 115 pounds, hardly groan worthy. I guess it's just something about a woman. They all seem to hate the scale. After her weight was noted, we were led into an exam room where the nurse took Bella's blood pressure and checked her pulse. Then came all the questions. Dear God they wanted to know everything. Is it really necessary to know when her last menstrual period was? Apparently I asked that out loud and was given a crash course in Pregnancy 101. To my surprise, that date was the most important piece of information. Hey, don't give me shit, I'm a dude. All I need to know is when to expect the Red Tide so I can stay clear of the mood swings. Other than that, I'm good. There was that one time when I found a brand new container of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey in the freezer and helped myself to all of it. It was a couple hours later that Bella showed her complete disgust at the situation and myself. Apparently she was on her period and had been saving that for her "after bubble bath" snack. One minute she was screaming at me and calling me every dirty name she could think of and then the next minute she was crying and telling me how sorry she was and then she threatened my cock and balls and shit got real serious. I was afraid to fall asleep that night. While she took her bubble bath I made an emergency trip to Walmart for ten pints of the stuff. I wasn't about to go through that shit again.

"Edward? You ok baby?" Bella was snapping her fingers in front of my face, effectively bringing me out of my stupor.

"Sorry baby. I must have zoned out. I'm just tired, love." I kissed the tip of her nose.

"We can go home immediately after this I promise. I gotta go fill up a cup for the pee test. This is it baby." She kissed me and made her way out to the bathroom. I took a seat in the exam room and wondered how women peed in that little ass cup. I mean, for guys it's just basically point and shoot. But women have to what? Squat over the damn thing? The least the manufacturers could do was make the fucking cup bigger. And what if you missed? What if you ran out of urine? Ugh. I was glad I was a man. Women get the raw end of the deal in most cases.

Sooner than I thought possible, Bella returned and hopped up on the exam table. She said the doctor would be in shortly with the results.

"So Cullen, what do you hope he tells us?" She looked up at me through her lashes.

"Well Mrs. Cullen, if it so happens that I have knocked you up then I'll be the happiest man in the world. And if not, then we have another year's worth of practicing to get us ready." I winked at her just as Dr. Amun knocked on the door.

"Hello Bella. It's good to see you dear. Mr. Cullen, I'm Dr. Amun. It's a pleasure to meet you." He reached out to shake my hand.

"The pleasure is mine Dr." It didn't get by me that this man has had his fingers inside my wife. In a completely professional way of course, still it made me think about pissing on Bella's leg or something so he'd know she was mine. Jesus Cullen, get a fucking grip on the jealousy. Besides, you do have a gun. Just sayin'.

The doctor sat down and began flipping through Bella's chart. My nerves began to get the best of me and it was time to find out the results. I hope I am ready either way.

BPOV

I could tell Edward was nervous as hell. I was trying to act calm but inside I was dying. I was on both sides of this. A part of me was anxious to be pregnant with Edward's child. I got butterflies in my stomach each time I tried to picture what our baby would look like. Another part of me liked the freedom that Edward and I enjoyed. We were carefree at this point in our lives and had just gotten married. If we felt the need to fly off to Vegas on the spur of the moment, we could. I giggled at myself thinking that we had already done that! I guess either way the results went we would deal with the consequences.

"Dr. Amun, you are killing me here. What's the verdict?" Edward squeezed my hand and smirked at me. Bastard, don't lay the panty dropper on me here in the doctor's office. Geez Cullen. I'd hate to have a pelvic exam after being "Cullen'd" by that specific smirk. It would be a slippery mess for sure.

"Well Bella, Edward, the test was negative. You aren't pregnant Bella."

I heard the words and I wasn't sure how to react. I looked up at Edward and I saw his face fall into a frown. Tears threatened my eyes but I held them in as best I could. I guess I wanted to be pregnant more than I was letting on. Edward wrapped his arm around me and rested his chin on the top of my head.

"I'm sorry. I know it's difficult news to get if you really wanted it to go the other way. But Bella the good news is you are young and healthy. You've got plenty of time to become a mother. It will happen one day." Dr. Amun touched my hand and I smiled as best I could.

"Thank you Dr. Edward and I have decided to take the shot for another year and then come off of it and try to conceive." I looked up to Edward for confirmation and he nodded.

"Ok that sounds good Bella. I'll have Irina give you your shot now then. She'll also schedule your next one for you. Edward, it was a pleasure to meet you and congratulations to you both on your marriage."

"Thank you Dr." We both answered in unison, prompting each of us to laugh. Irina came in and gave me the shot and we were on our way home.

EPOV

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm devastated. I was really hoping Bella was pregnant. Is it wrong for me to feel like this? I remembered how I felt when there was a possibility that I could have been the father of Tanya's daughter. I wanted no part of that. This was such a different feeling. It was completely opposite. Bella was my world and I couldn't wait to see her belly get bigger and bigger while she grew our baby to perfection. It will happen. It will happen when it's meant to happen. I have faith.

TWO MONTHS LATER

Bella and I had the next three days off. Thank fuck for that. We had been working almost nonstop lately. Me, because Jacob Black had gotten married and had been off on his honeymoon and Bella because Kate had to have an emergency hysterectomy and had been out recovering. The relief dispatcher was out of town with a family emergency so the duties were being split between Bella and one other dispatcher. The Cullens were exhausted.

Because we had both been working so much, our sex life was in a serious slump. Bella and I have always had sex at least once a day since we became a regular couple. Since we have been working all the hours we have, we have only had sex once over the last three weeks. Both of us were in serious need. Fuck, I haven't even had time to jack off properly in the shower and I'm pretty sure Bella hasn't touched herself either. There has just simply been no time. Tonight however that was going to change. I had made a stop at the local sex shop and stocked up on some goodies. The next three days were going to be full of massage oils, vibrators, nipple clamps, handcuffs(with the keys this time!) and loads of laundry. My cock was at full attention now. Quickly I sent a text to my wife asking her whereabouts.

Baby, are you almost home? I'm hard already Sweetheart. I can almost taste that dripping pussy. I hope you're ready Darlin'. I plan to pound that pussy for the next three days.

That oughta get her moving faster. I went upstairs to prepare our bedroom for the lovin'. When I came back downstairs I saw my cell phone message light blinking.

I'm leaving the store now. God Trooper Fuckhot, you can't send me shit like that when we haven't had sex in so long. Good thing I know the Troopers on duty tonight in case I get stopped. See you in 10.

Awesome. She was almost here. I ran upstairs to take a quick shower before she arrived.

BPOV

I couldn't get home fast enough. Knowing my hot as fuck husband was waiting for me with his long, thick nine inch Bella Impaler hard and ready had my juices flowing for sure. I missed Edward. We needed these next three days to reconnect and I planned on doing just that.

As I closed the garage door behind my car, I gathered the items I had picked up for tonight, chocolate covered strawberries, champagne, a fruit and cheese tray and my favorite Edward Exciter, brand new nipple clamps. Oh no, not for me. These are for my Trooper Cullen. See, Edward's dirty little secret is that he loves nipple clamps. This pair came with an extra long chain. This was a good thing because I would be able to reach it no matter what position he had me in. If my thoughts were correct and as sensitive as Edward is to the clamps, yanking on the chain at the appropriate times would send him over the edge.

I put away the food items and headed upstairs. As I entered our bedroom, I found Edward sitting in the middle of our bed. He was cursing under his breath while he was facing the wall, away from me.

"Edward?" As soon as he heard my voice, he jumped about ten feet into the air. That's when I noticed it. Edward had his cock in his hand. That would have been fine, however I noticed that it wasn't hard. It was just hanging there. In his hand. I couldn't help the smirk that appeared on my face.

"Bella! Don't fucking laugh at me. This shit isn't fucking funny." He barked at me. That's when I really looked at him. He was pale and he was sweating profusely.

"What's wrong? Why are you holding your limp dick?"

"Fuck. Dammit." He sighed deeply. "Look, I came up here to take a fucking shower ok? I noticed that the rubber seal on the side of the shower door was coming off again. I knew I had some super glue in the drawer so I got it out and fixed the seal. What I didn't know is that I got super glue on my hand. Bella, I was washing my fucking cock and when I grabbed it to lift it up and wash my goddamned balls, my motherfucking hand STUCK to my dick. And now it won't fucking come off. Do not laugh."

Did Trooper Edward Anthony Cullen just tell me that he had effectively super glued his palm around his dick? And was I really thinking about how ironic it is that Karma had just hit Edward square in the nuts? Remember the handcuff incident when he cuffed me to our bed without making sure he had the key? Yeah, so I was getting way too big of a kick out of this. I had to practically gnaw the inside of my cheek off to stop my impending laughter. Clearly Edward didn't think this was funny.

"Here, let me take a look baby. Snicker. Surely I can get it off. Snicker." I moved in front of him to better see his handiwork. Great, now a fresh round of giggles threatens to erupt. His HANDIWORK! Ha!

"Oh fucking ha-motherfucking-ha Isabella. Laugh it up." Edward is less than pleased.

"Here sweetheart, stand up." He stands and I can't help but let a giggle out. Here is my Trooper Fuckhot, standing tall holding his cock in his hand looking down at me with a murderous look on his face. You can't make this shit up.

"Bella, I know you think this is hilarious and I'm sure one day I might as well. But right now, please baby. Help me. I cannot forever hold my cock in my hand."

I try unsuccessfully for the next thirty minutes to get Edward's glorious cock out of his hand. I had been hoping to avoid this, but there really is only one thing I can do. Sighing, I walk to our landline and pick up the receiver.

"Bella, what are you doing? Who are you calling at a time like this?" As soon as he says it, he realizes who I am calling. "No Isabella. Fuck no. You are not going to call 9-1-1. Put the fucking phone down now. We can figure something else out." His eyes are wide and panicked. I know though that we have no other choice.

"I'm sorry baby, I have to. They will know exactly what to do." I dial the three numbers and have to look away from Edward, who is now sitting on the bed with his OTHER head in his OTHER hand. Ha Ha I crack myself up…thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.

"9-1-1 What is your emergency?"

"Rosalie, it's Bella. We seem to have a situation here." I cannot believe the luck. It's Rosalie McCarty, who is my supervisor and Emmett's wife.

"Bella, what's wrong? What do you need?"

"Rose, um, Edward has had an unfortunate run in with super glue and his penis." I can hear Edward groan behind me and I barely manage to stifle a laugh.

"Do you want to repeat that please Bella?" Her voice only shows a hint of playful laughter but all in all she remains professional.

"Edward was fixing a part of our shower with super glue and didn't realize he got it on his hand. When he went to um…clean himself in the genital area….his hand stuck to his penis. I can't get it unstuck."

"Ok, is he ok? The blood flow isn't restricted or anything?"

"No, it has good color so I think blood flow is fine." More groans come from behind me along with some muttering and cursing under his breath.

"Ok Bella, I'm going to roll EMS and send over 1218 and 1214." My laughter almost boils over when I realize she is about to dispatch an emergency team along with Emmett and Jake to head to our house. I can hear the radio in the back ground.

"Central EMS Dispatch"

"Central here, go dispatch"

"Central we need you 10-17 to 184 Terrace West Drive. Caller has a 29 year old male that has accidentally super glued his penis to his hand." There is complete radio silence for a little longer than there should be. "Central did you copy that last transmission?" Rosalie asks again.

"Yes ma'am. You need us to be en route to 184 Terrace West Drive. We are rolling."

"10-4 Central. Thank you. Units 1214 and 1218 can you assist Central EMS"

"Dispatch 1214 I'm on my way."

"10-4 1214 thank you."

"Dispatch 1218, Ma'am I'm also 10-17"

"Copy that 1218, thank you. Dispatch clear."

"Ok Bella, Emmett, Jake, and Central are on their way. Do you need me to stay on the line?"

"No Rose we're fine. Thank you." Just then my cell phone rings in my pocket. I dig it out only to see that it is none other than Emmett McCarty.

"Hello?"

"Belly….are you telling me that Edward has super glued his junk to his palm? Please tell me that's what you are saying."

"Not on purpose Em, but yes. That's what I'm telling you." Edward is turning all colors now, going from red, to blue, to yellow, and now a shade of green I've never seen. See, the law enforcement community is very close with the emergency medical professionals and the fire department. Everyone knows everyone. Momentarily several of Edward's personal friends will descend on our home to save the day.

Between fits of laughter, Emmett says "Ok Bells, we are here. Let us in." I push end on my phone and look at Edward.

"Help is here baby. I'll be right back." I try to kiss him on the cheek but he just gives me his best bitch brow and I swear he growls at me. Trooper Cullen is not a happy man.

Quickly I run downstairs and open the door. What I see on the other end nearly has me feeling bad for Edward. Nearly. There at my door are fellow Troopers Black and McCarty, both of whom are turning purple trying to hold in their laughter. Behind them in the driveway I notice the ambulance team known as Central EMS, and to my surprise, Fire Station 20's ladder truck complete with their six man crew. Finally, Jacob Black speaks.

"Good evening Mrs. Cullen. We received a call regarding Trooper Cullen and his junk." They can no longer contain themselves as I step aside so they can enter. I feel like such a bitch because I am getting just a wee bit too much pleasure out of this. But hey, Edward was a supreme ass while I was handcuffed with no key in sight. Like I said, Karma is a bitch.

EPOV

Did my wife really just call 9-1-1? Does she not know who will show up to answer the call? I will never live this shit down. I suppose it is my own fault for not being more observant and noticing the super glue on my hand. Fuck, I was so excited about finally getting some sexy time with my wife I was in a hurry. Knowing that the shit is going to hit the fan momentarily, I try to grab some of the sheets or something to cover myself up. It's then that I hear Emmett McCarty heading my way with a whole fuckload of footsteps behind him. Fanfuckingtastic.

"Cullen what the fuck have you done now?" The large asshole stands in front of me, flanked by Jacob Black on one side and Paramedic Mike Newton on his other side. Around the room are several fire fighters and rescue personnel. Conveniently my WIFE is missing.

"Save it Em, you know what the deal is. Can one of you fuckers fix this?"

"Now listen Cullen, there's no need to be ugly about this" Jake shakes his finger at me. Naturally, Newton has to chime in now. Yeah, laugh it up motherfuckers.

"Ok Edward, let me take a look at what we have here." He looks almost like he wants to cry. Maybe this guy actually feels bad for me. "Hmm….so Edward, tell me, has this ever happened before?" he adds with a chuckle. Nope, he doesn't feel a bit bad for me.

"Yes Newton. I try to glue things to my cock on the regular. This happens all the time." I roll my eyes at him. "And really, is it necessary for ALL you guys to be here?" I am gesturing to the million firemen in the room. Fucking Tyler Crowley chooses now to put in his two cents.

"Cullen, we wouldn't miss this for the world." Yeah, fuck you asshole.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Mike uses some sort of solution that manages to eat away at the glue and frees my cock from my hand. It burns and stings a bit but it's nothing I can't handle.

"Ok Cullen, that should do it. You're going to want to soak in warm water with some Epsom salt a few times over the next few hours. You should be good as new tomorrow."

"Thanks Newton. I guess I owe you one." I extend my hand to shake his but he backs away. It occurs to me that I haven't washed my hand yet and it was the one wrapped around my dick for the past couple of hours.

"Uh, lemme get back to you on that handshake Edward." He shakes his head and closes up his medical bag. I notice that Bella is sitting at her vanity quietly taking everything in.

One by one, everyone leaves and the ordeal is over. I feel like such a dumbass and my night with Bella is pretty much over. My cock is sore and a little chafed so there will be no sex tonight. I realize how nasty I was to Bella during all of this and admit now that it must have looked pretty damn funny from her side of things.

"Baby, come sit by me." I hold my arm out to her and she slides onto the bed beside me.

"I'm sorry this happened Edward. I know you were looking forward to tonight. So was I. I'm sorry I laughed at you." She looks down at her hands.

"Come on baby, you laughed because that was some funny shit. I mean, if it hadn't happened to me I would have been laughing my ass off. I'm sorry I was ugly to you. I was just panicked. I mean, that's an important part of my anatomy. What if something hurt him? I know you'd be sad." I winked at her as I stroked her hair.

"Oh most definitely. Little Eddie is so much a part of me. Kitty Cat would never forgive Little Eddie if she couldn't have fun with him anymore."

"And that would be a tragedy, love. A straight up tragedy. Come on, let's go give Not-so-little Eddie a bath. He might feel better." I led her to the bathroom and she started running the bath water. That's when I spied the offending tube of super glue where I had left it on the back of the toilet. I grabbed Bella's tweezers from the drawer, carefully picked up the tube and promptly threw that fucker in the trash. That was the last time I would ever be cock blocked by fucking super glue. That shit just ain't right.

A/N: Poor Trooperward! I laughed so hard while writing this chapter. Karma reared her ugly head and poor Little Eddie paid the ultimate price. Never fear though, I owe our newlyweds one hot lemon in the next chapter since I cockblocked them in this one. No actual penis was harmed in the writing of this fanfic. Smooches!