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Chapter 7 – The Great Disappointment

"Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then." – Jane Austen

After the party, Jane and I stay up to discuss the ball. She and I sit on the bed and talk about Darcy, Bingley, and Caroline as though they are dear old friends.

"He danced every dance with me," Jane sighs with a dreamy smile.

I smile as she continues, "And when I rested my feet, he would not dance and stood next to Darcy."

"Mr. Darcy," I shake my head.

"He would do well for you," Jane suggests. She looks in the distance, "Imagine, you and I, married a mere month apart! It would be less of a burden for mama."

I pause, "Is that how you feel? A burden?"

Jane does not answer and I continue, "You are anything but that. Jane, mother," I struggle saying the word mother, "does not mean to come across the way she does. She only cares very deeply about us."

"I know." Jane sighs, "If only I knew how Bingley felt."

"He loves you."

"If only I knew," Jane's smile fades into anxiety.

"Perhaps," I conclude, "he shall visit tomorrow."

Jane smiles, for, she is holding onto any hope I give her. But, in the pit of my stomach, I feel an uneasiness that I cannot explain.

"Mr. Darcy," I look away, "was a complete waste of my time."

"What happened?"

I tell her what happened on the balcony and sigh, "He told me that I am not what I seem."

Jane shakes her head, "He is not who he seems."

"He seems frightened of me," I look at Jane. "But, that is not the Darcy that I know."

"Lizzy," Jane seems confused, "how do you know Darcy?"

I pause, "Through … um … correspondence." I lie, "I have read things in letters … here and there. They say he's very upfront and shy at times. But, he just never struck me as the type of man that would run from problems."

"But," I think to myself, "he ran away when he left Netherfield."

***

I wake up the next morning to see Jane crying in the armchair. I turn to my side in bed and ask, "Jane? Why are you crying?"

Jane shakes her head, "Here. Read the letter. I don't mind."

I take the letter into my own hands and see Caroline Bingley's writing. I know very well what the letter states and do not read further. "Are they leaving Netherfield Park?"

"Yes," Jane nods; letting the tears cascade down her cheeks.

"Bingley loves you," I reassure her.

"Lizzy," Jane looks down, "I do not want to get my hopes up. He is leaving and I must reside myself with the idea that Bingley was never interested in marriage."

"They leave this morning," I look at the letter.

"Yes."

"I am to go for a walk," I say as I get out of bed.

***

I take a walk all the way to Netherfield and see that there are two carriages waiting at the drive. I see Bingley; his eyes bloodshot. "Mr. Bingley," I walk towards him.

"Miss Elizabeth." He looks away from me.

Finally, I sternly reply, "Jane is very sad that you are leaving without saying good-bye."

"I," Mr. Bingley chokes on his words and trails off.

"Why don't you do something about this? Why did you give up on Jane?"

Bingley places a hand to his forehead, "Miss Elizabeth, please. I have suffered enough."

"You have suffered enough!" I shout, "What about Jane?" I calm down, "It was badly done. What kind of a man runs away?"

I pause with realization that Darcy is the one who runs away. Bingley inhales deeply as a few tears escape his eyes, "It is my fault. What can I do, Miss Elizabeth?" Bingley cannot look me in the eyes, "For, I am only the puppet."

I clench my jaw, "And your puppet master?"

Bingley continues to look down without saying another word. I walk away from Bingley and into the mansion. I finally see Mr. Darcy standing by a window. "How proud of himself he seems," I think to myself.

"You're better than this," I plead. "I know you are, Fitzwilliam!" I struggle to find proper words and fail, "Why are you acting like a total git?"

Mr. Darcy stands by the window as I continue, "Since when does having no money mean that you are a bad person? You have no right to ruin their love because of an accident of birth."

"There is no accident in birth."

"Do you know why I am so angry," I cry out.

Mr. Darcy smirks, "You were born thus."

"Because my heart has your name written on it," I say as my voice shakes. "There I have said it! What are you going to say to me now? I am prepared for whatever you will say."

There I admitted it!

Silence.

God! Here it comes!

"Is this interview concluded? It is so difficult to tell."

I was not prepared for that as I cringe from the hurt. My heart begins to feel like it is bleeding. Tears of embarrassment fall from my eyes, "You are such a disappointment that I can hardly bear to look at you."

"A deprivation I shall endure as stoically as I can," Darcy says with calculated coldness.

"You are so relentlessly unpleasant. I just can't get at the real you," I say without meaning to sound irritating.

Darcy swiftly turns towards me and shouts, "Madam! Behold, Fitzwilliam Darcy. I am what I am. If you find yourself unable to get at an alternative version, I must own to being glad."

Mr. Darcy continues to shout, "I despise the intrusions of a woman so singularly dedicated to mendacity, disorder, and lewdness. They repel me." He looks into my eyes and his voice softens, "You repel me. You are an abomination, madam. Good afternoon to you."

He angrily bows and leaves the room. I watch him leave and my hands form into fists. In the silence of the room, I spit out, "Hateful man!"

***

Crying myself to sleep won't do! For, it seems that ever since I have gone back in time, that crying is all I ever do! "I am better than this," I tell myself.

Jane walks into the bedroom after brushing her teeth with the chalk, salt, and birch twig concoction. Oh! I miss my toothbrush!

Jane looks at me and smiles, "You seem tired."

"I will not cry," I think over and over as if in prayer. I look up at Jane, "He was so mean to me."

"Who?"

"Darcy," I scoff, "who else."

"You went to Netherfield?"

I look away, "Yes."

"Why did you not tell me sooner?" Jane sits on the bed, "I could have said good-bye."

"You didn't want to be there," I sigh, "trust me."

"Well then," Jane tries her hardest to smile, "tomorrow is another day and there is much to look forward to."

***

The next morning, I sit next to Jane and Lydia as we have our breakfast. I pour myself a cup of tea and place a hot scone upon my plate and smear honey and butter onto it.

Mr. Collins walks down the steps, "Hello my dear cousins. I trust you all slept well."

Instead of saying anything, Lydia takes a sip of her tea, Mary walks away from the table to play on the piano, Jane and I take bites of our scones, and Mr. Bennet has not looked up from his reading. Mrs. Bennet all looks at us as if rather cross and smiles at Mr. Collins, "Have you slept well?"

Mr. Collins smiles, "Yes. Thank you."

Everyone goes back to their business; completely ignoring the fact that Mr. Collins is still standing. "I would like to request to speak to Miss Elizabeth."

"You have my permission," Mrs. Bennet smiles.

"Alone. I would like to request to speak to Miss Elizabeth in private."

I nearly choke on my tea and stand up, "I'm sorry. But, I know what's coming and-"

However, before I can say anything more, the breakfast room is now empty and I am alone with Mr. Collins. I look away as he gets down on one knee, "Lady Catherine told me to seek out spirit and I found it. Will you do me the honor of being my wife, Miss Elizabeth?"

"Get up!" I demand, "Get up now!"

Mr. Collins gets up and takes my hands in his. I jerk away and say, "No. I will not marry you."

"I understand that you might like to keep an air of mystery. So, I will ask you again, will you marry me?"

"Crotch sniffer!" I say with all the gumption I can manage.

Mr. Collins' eyes widen as he places his fingers to his nose and inhales deeply, "Is it that obvious?"

"Yes. It is obvious." I look him in the eye, "I will not marry you because I cannot marry someone whom I do not love."

"Love is a luxury, Miss Elizabeth, which will come in time."

"Not where I come from," I say with dignity. "I will not learn to love my husband and I most definitely will not learn to love you. I am quite certain that I cannot make you happy and I am saving you from utter demise. Good day, Mr. Collins, and here is some advice … look to Charlotte Lucas."

***

Mrs. Bennet will not talk to me; however, Mr. Bennet is rather happy that his daughters did not have to marry Mr. Collins after all. Mrs. Bennet believes that my headstrong and foolish ways have finally ruined the family for good. But, I believe otherwise since I know this novel and at least did something right! But, even I am beginning to think that there is no way home and I am stuck here indefinitely.

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