Doofenshmirtz sat in his armchair, staring at the door.
Perry the platypus should have busted it down thirty minutes before. Doofenshmirtz looked at his watch.
Why was his nemesis so late?
Doofenshmirtz picked up the phone and dialed Major Monogram's number. He waited as it rang.
"This is Major Francis Monogram, head of the secret organization O.W.C.A. If you have evil intentions... then this is John Smith and the O.W.C.A isn't actually real. Please leave a message after the beep."
"Hello? Major Monogram? Perry should have been here like an hour ago. I can't just sit around waiting for him to come thwart me, I have a schedule to keep. Pick up."
There was a click. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz? What are you calling about?"
"Oh, good, you're there. Where's Perry?"
"Perry?"
"Yes."
"The platypus?"
"YES! My nemesis! What other Perry would I be talking about? Where is he?"
Monogram was quiet for a moment. "Uh… Didn't Carl send you the email?"
"No…"
"CARL! I told you to send Doofenshmirtz the notification!"
"Sorry!" Came Carl's faint reply.
"Sorry about that." Monogram said. "We'll fix you up with another nemesis in a few days."
"Why? Did Perry break his leg or something? Not that I'd care."
"He's quit his job. No longer an agent. He was sick for a few days, I don't know if that had anything to do with it. We'll let you know." Monogram hung up.
Doofenshmirtz put the phone down and stared into space.
He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to feel. Perry had been his nemesis for a long time.
He hoped something really terrible had happened to him.
Sort of.
"I love you, Delores!"
"Well, I hate you, Jameson!"
Perry was lying down on the couch, watching his favorite show, "I Thought You Hated Me". Isabella had fed him a few hours ago, so he was on his own for the rest of the evening.
Perry watched as Delores whacked Jameson on the head with a broom and then kissed him.
"Delores, I hate you."
"I hate you too! I hate you so much I love you!"
They kissed again.
Perry felt tears welling up in his eyes. It was so perfect.
The doorbell rang. Perry ignored it.
It rang again.
And again.
Annoyed, Perry got up and wrapped himself up in his favorite blanket. It was getting colder outside. He didn't want to have to open the door to the cold wind every time some idiot knocked.
He threw open the front door. "What?"
"O.W.C.A notice." Said a tall Doberman, holding up a pamphlet.
"I don't work there anymore." Perry snapped.
"I'm aware." The Doberman handed Perry the paper. "It is my job to inform you that you have one month to return to work."
"Like I'm going to."
"Otherwise, you will be considered an ex-agent."
"Whoopie. Look, buddy, I'm freezing, so can I go back inside now?"
"Sure. Monogram said to tell you though… that it's a shame losing you. You're his favorite agent."
"Give him a hug." Perry slammed the door and stormed back to the couch. He felt cranky. He'd been watching television all day. There wasn't really anything else for him to do.
Perry was splayed out in a field of flowers. A soft breeze washed over him, and a butterfly flew around his head.
The butterfly was annoying.
Perry blew on it to make it go away. Then he closed his eyes.
A knocking sound woke him up. He looked around himself.
He was on the couch, surrounded by half-empty pizza boxes.
"That's the second time I've dreamed about falling asleep." He muttered.
Another knock. A more insistent one.
Perry closed his eyes again.
"Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-ding-ding-ding…"
Perry growled and got up. He put on his robe and yanked open the door. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T WANT TO BUY A…"
Pinky waved at him. "Can I come in?"
"Ah. Sure. Sorry about that." Perry waved his friend inside the house.
"You look… different."
"Huh?"
"Never mind." Pinky went into the living room and stared at the couch. "Late night snacking, huh?"
"Not really. I had that for dinner. I was pretty much asleep when you came."
"Sorry, I heard the TV, so I just assumed…"
"Nah. It's fine." Perry switched the TV off.
"What were you watching?"
"The Uncovery Channel or something. I was bored and fell asleep. Why are you here?"
"Just thought you needed some company."
"You look nervous."
"No, I'm fine."
"If you want, I have some random DVDs lying around. We could watch some. I know the pizza's cold, but we can heat it up… there's still some junk food in the pantry, and I bought three dozen doughnuts…"
"Maybe we can just… watch without food. Or do something else."
"Don't you like movies?"
"Yeah, but… you look like you haven't gotten away from that television all day."
"I haven't."
"And you've… no offense… um… put on some weight since the last time I saw you."
Perry looked down at his stomach. "So it sticks out a little. It always looks like that when I sit down."
"Not when you stand up."
"There's a first time for everything."
"I think you forgot to shave this morning."
"I didn't forget. I just didn't want to."
"Why not?"
Perry shrugged.
"I feel like…" Pinky hesitated for a moment.
"What?"
"I feel like you're throwing your life away."
"I'm not. It's a different way of living, that's all."
"Lazing around watching TV? That's living like a worthless person who doesn't have anything better to do!"
"I AM a worthless person who doesn't have anything better to do."
"You're not! Gosh, Perry, why can't you see that? Monogram thinks you're amazing!"
"Not anymore."
"Perry, don't be like this."
"Like what?"
"Like… this. I don't want you to live like this."
"YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE!" Perry shouted. "NO ONE'S IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE EXCEPT FOR ME! NOT MONOGRAM OR YOU OR DOOFENSHMIRTZ OR ANYONE!"
"This ISN'T your life! The agency and your family was your life! Just because something bad happens, you can't just-"
"I DO WHAT I WANT."
Pinky huffed. "I've been trying to help you. I guess you don't want it."
"I don't."
"Fine then. I'll go."
"You do that."
Pinky stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
Walking always calmed Perry's nerves. And Danville Forest was always a very calm and quiet place to walk in.
After pacing awhile, Perry sat down in a leaf pile near a tree. He hadn't meant to hurt Pinky's feelings. He'd just been tired.
He felt confused, like he didn't know what he wanted anymore. The feeling annoyed him. He wanted it to go away.
A male platypus emerged from a bush. His unfocused eyes looked angry.
"Mine." He said.
Perry stared at him.
"My territory." The platypus chattered.
"Share it." Perry retorted.
"No. It is mine. I found it first so it is mine."
"Okay, it's yours."
The platypus growled.
It made the hair on Perry's neck rise. Abandoning every thought, he got down on all fours.
The platypus jumped on him and started clawing him. Perry fought back with his paws and teeth.
The other platypus was biting him as well, but Perry was hardly aware of the pain. The only priority in his mind was winning this fight.
Perry had heard Monogram say once that animals knew how to fight without being taught, and that they could be vicious if they really believed in what they were fighting for.
This platypus obviously had the upper hand. Perry was trained to fight humans, or other animals trained to fight humans, but he wasn't sure how to fight animals that fought like animals.
He could kind of tell that the object of animal fighting was to cause as much damage as possible to your opponent.
They tussled until they fell into a river. Perry swam to the surface. The platypus had chomped onto his tail and wasn't letting go.
Perry tried to shake him off. The platypus held on and clawed his back.
Perry remembered a nature channel Phineas had watched once about an animal that played dead to stop its enemy from fighting it. Perry flipped over onto his back and held his breath.
The platypus let go. He poked Perry with his bill, and then ambled stupidly back toward his bush, limping a little.
Perry waited until he was gone. Then he released his breath.
Only then did he feel pain. His limbs weren't wanting to move. His tail hurt.
Perry rolled onto his stomach and tried to get up. He was too exhausted.
But he couldn't stay outside. It was cold, and his fur was wet. He would be a platypus popsicle if he didn't go back in.
But he couldn't.
He felt himself growing tired. He squished himself into a ball to conserve body heat.
He heard faint footsteps in the distance.
They came closer.
They were very close.
They stopped right behind him.
Perry closed his eyes. Whoever or whatever it was, they didn't matter.
He just wanted to sleep.