As soon as he opened the door to Esposito and Ryan, Castle remembered he hadn't gone in to explain to the boys why he wasn't coming back. He'd been so busy trying to remove thoughts of Beckett from his mind and unfortunately that meant not thinking about Esposito and Ryan too, not if he wanted to make this as easy as possible.

"Hey guys," he smiled. "Come on in."

Esposito and Ryan walked in, neither of them saying much and neither of them looking very happy. Castle had some explaining to do. "So," Esposito began. "Wanna tell us why you're not back at the precinct and Beckett is wandering around like she lost an arm or something?"

She was? Castle couldn't help but let a small spark of joy fizzle at that - Beckett was actually missing him? After three months of no contact, all it took was him cutting their working relationship and she was moping about? That didn't sound like the Beckett he knew, there must be more to it than that.

"It just..wasn't working, guys," Castle told them, heading back into his loft and setting the coffee maker. He saw Esposito and Ryan share a look, quite clearly not believing a word he'd just told them.

"Not working? Yeah right," Espo scoffed.

"Come on, Castle, this is us you're talking to. We know there must be something more to it than that and we're not going to believe it's because of Gates, either, we know you have the mayor on speed dial!" Ryan supplied.

Castle sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get away with a half hearted excuse. And in all fairness, the boys deserved a proper explanation, they hadn't done anything wrong. Oh god he sounded like a dad who was trying to explain to his kids why mommy and daddy weren't together anymore.

"Look, I might be angry at Beckett but not enough to give you all the details. Just..the three months she was gone she didn't call once and then she comes back expecting everything to be fine, not even an apology!"

"Dude, she got shot in the chest.."

"I know!" Castle shouted, his anger flaring. "I was there, remember? I held her in my arms as she bled out and then I watched her die in that ambulance! Do you have any idea what that's like? Watching the woman you love die right in front of your eyes and not being able to do anything about it?" He hadn't meant to say so much but with Esposito defending her..his emotions had just got the better of him. What did it matter now, anyway? He'd told Beckett he loved her and she hadn't remembered a second of it, instead she'd disappeared for three months - probably with Josh, she didn't need him complicating things any further.

"Woah, sorry Castle, we didn't know," Ryan said.

"Yeah we uh..sorry," Espo added, both of them looking a little shocked at his outburst.

"Sorry guys, none of this is your fault I just.."

"You love her." It wasn't Esposito or Ryan that finished off his sentence, it was Alexis. "I just finished talking to Grams and I heard you shouting..sorry, dad, I didn't meant to interrupt."

"Don't worry about it, Pumpkin," Castle told her.

"We're um..gonna go.." Ryan said as he and Espo headed towards the door.

"Hey guys?" Castle called, "thanks for coming over, I really appreciate it. And we can have a boys night soon, yeah?"

"We'll be here," Espo smiled as they left.

"You shouldn't have had to hear that, Alexis, I'm sorry," Castle told her, running a hand through his hair. He was just so on edge since cutting things with Beckett and Esposito and Ryan had only served as a reminder of what he'd walked away from.

"It's fine dad, you're hurting, I get it. Maybe you shouldn't have taken it out on the guys but I'm sure they understand."

"I just..why doesn't she care, Alexis? Three years we've been working together, three years of getting shot at, apartments being blown up, getting locked in a freezer together..and now it's like none of that even happened!"

"Have you thought that she might be hurting too, dad?" Alexis asked tentatively. She wasn't exactly detective Beckett's biggest fan when it came to her dad, that she could admit, but at the end of the day, Beckett had been shot in the chest, that had to take some getting over.

Castle knew Alexis was right but it didn't stop him feeling angry. He understood that Beckett needed that time to heal, but she had all but thrown him out of her hospital room, telling him she needed a few days, not a few months. Would it have hurt to have sent him a text every now and then?

"I know, Pumpkin. Maybe I just need some time to come to terms with her being back, it hasn't even been two weeks yet."

He could tell just by looking at his daughter that she wasn't convinced but thankfully she didn't say anything.

"So, what do you say we go out and celebrate your offer from Stanford? Movies this afternoon and then dinner?"

"Sounds perfect, dad," Alexis grinned.

"How're you feeling now you're settled back at work?" Dr Burke asked. It was Thursday and this was the third meeting they'd had in five days.

"I'm not settled," Kate muttered, "not without Castle." It was ridiculous, she'd managed perfectly well before she'd met him but now that she had got used to having him around, the fact that he wasn't there anymore was a big deal. "It's just not the same. At first, he was annoying and I couldn't wait for the day he finally had enough research for his new books..but now..now I can't imagine ever getting over him not being there."

"Kate, you're an accomplished detective, one of the best, I've heard, surely you can still do your job without him?"

"Of course I can," Kate snapped before apologising. "I'm sorry, it's just..yeah, I can do my job without him, of course I can, I just don't know if I want to. We don't have an easy job but Castle..he made it better, lit up the day when we thought it couldn't get any worse with his stupid jokes."

"It's okay to get angry, you have every right to that - somebody shot you, Kate, I'd be worried if you weren't angry."

"But I'm not angry at whoever shot me, not really." She was slightly but once she'd found out there were no new leads, she'd looked more to getting Castle back - which was proving a lot more difficult than she had anticipated. "I'm angry at.." Who was she angry at?

"Yourself? Castle?" Dr Burke supplied helpfully.

"Yeah, I guess," Kate shrugged. "But why should I be angry at Castle? He's done nothing but good, he tried to save my life and I repaid him by disappearing off the face of the earth for three months, I shouldn't have expected him to just come back when I asked."

"After everything the two of you have been through together, I think it was only a fair assumption to think he'd come back. Perhaps it would have made things easier if you had called once in a while, but I don't think your expectations were completely unrealistic."

The more Beckett thought about it, the more she agreed. It made sense - after everything that had happened, why wouldn't he come back when she did? Now, of course, she could understand why he was angry but before, it had seemed absurd that he would say no.

"You told me you broke up with Josh," Dr Burke continued. "Do you think that was the right decision?"

"Yes." There was no way on earth staying with Josh was the right thing to do, it wasn't fair on either of them - or on Castle.

"I'm going to be honest with you," Dr Burke said, "I have a feeling your current status with Castle is hindering your recovery." Kate wasn't surprised, she knew she'd gone downhill since Castle had blown her off. "Have you tried talking to him?"

"No," Kate admitted. "I wanted to give him some time to call off..do you think I should call him?" She had been thinking about it anyway, deciding almost two weeks was enough time for him to calm down slightly.

"I think it could help," Burke nodded. "I think you did the right thing by not calling straight away, giving him the space he wants, but if you're to move forward, then now is a better time than any. But I need you to be prepared for him to reject you again, from what you've told me, he'd not going to come down easily."

Beckett was starting to think he wouldn't forgive her at all, she'd take hard over never any day.

"And I also feel I should say that if he does say no, you need to move on. You're not going to get any better until you accept what has happened and waiting for something that may never happen isn't the right way to be going about it."

Kate hadn't been expecting that and she imagined the shock was evident on her face. Give up on Castle? Not likely, he hadn't given up on her, not once in the past three years, she'd be damned if she ran at the first sign of trouble.

"But, go and call him. Arrange coffee or something and see how it goes from there," Burke suggested, quite clearly trying to put her mind at rest. "Would you like to make another appointment for Monday?"

"Please," Kate nodded. She'd suck it up and call Castle tonight, she just had to hope he was willing to listen.

Beckett's picture was flashing up on his screen, his phone trilling as it alerted him to an incoming call. Castle sat there and watching it, hands clasped firmly in his lap as he tried his hardest not to just give in and answer the call. He missed her, so much that it was killing him to do this but it was easier. The phone stopped ringing and few seconds later, it buzzed as it alerted him to a new voicemail message. He deleted it without listening to her voice, it was best this way, a clean break for them both.

Even as he thought the words he knew he was lying to himself, anything had to be easier than this.

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