Just once more, Kate promised herself, just one more phone call and then she'd leave it. She searched through her contacts for his number, pausing and taking a deep breath when it appeared on her screen. Hitting the dial button, she waited with bated breath as it rang, as if she actually expected him to answer. Of course he didn't, it would have been a huge surprise if he had, that was for sure.

There wasn't much else she could do. They'd met a few weeks ago which had ended in disaster, she doubted either of them were keen to retry that experience in a hurry. She'd stopped calling twice a week, just once or twice in the past few weeks, not that he had answered any of her calls. Still, it was actually ringing so at least he hadn't blocked her number. One afternoon on a particularly quiet day at the precinct, she'd sent him an email, outlining how sorry she was for everything and that she knew she didn't deserve him but that she wasn't giving up, she wanted her best friend back. But there had been no reply to the email either, no indication that he'd even read it - he could have deleted it without reading it for all Kate knew.

It wasn't the fact that he was ignoring her and acting like they hadn't been to hell and back together that bothered Beckett as much, it was more the fact that he hadn't tried to stop her from calling, texting or emailing. All he had to do was answer a call or send her a text back saying to leave him alone and she would, she one hundred percent absolutely would. If he said he didn't want her to keep trying to get him back, to keep harassing him with these calls and texts, then she'd give it all up to keep him happy. And that's what she couldn't understand, if he so badly didn't want anything to do with her, then why wasn't he telling her to quit?

But she had promised herself that this was the last call, no more attempting to contact him, it quite clearly wasn't getting through anyway. Giving up wasn't an option, she was simply..taking a break. The focus was on her now, on getting herself completely better, back to how she used to be before some bastard put a bullet in her chest. And then, when she had sorted herself out, figured out what was going on in her head, well then she'd make more of an effort to sort whatever this was out. The calls and the texts might be stopping, but that didn't mean her heart stopped loving him.

Dr Burke had been working with her on expressing her feelings more. It had been hard at first, but she was getting the hang of it now, even just sitting in his office, talking it through helped immensely. A lot of her problems seemed to be centered around anger; anger at Castle for being like this, at the son of a bitch who had tried to kill her, at whatever lowlife was behind her mothers murder.. But most of all she was angry at herself. At not being good enough for Castle. She hated herself for it most days, how she had denied their attraction for so long that she'd almost started to believe she didn't like him herself - which was the biggest lie of the century. If she had just been a little more open to a relationship with him in the first place, they wouldn't be in the mess they were in right now. But Castle had been so amazing, so...Castle about everything so far. It had been a bit hit and miss at first, but he had soon learnt when to stop prying and just leave it and he also knew exactly when to cheer them up with a stupid theory or ridiculous joke. It was all of this that had her thinking back then why she'd want to change a thing, if she had admitted her feelings then, it could have ruined everything, changed the whole dynamic of their group. And now..well now it was looking to be too late.

"How are things going, Kate?" Dr Burke asked at the beginning of their weekly session. It was a mark of how few she'd come so quickly in the past few weeks that their appointments were now mostly only once a week.

"Not too bad," she answered honestly. That was a major part in recovering properly - being honest, especially with the man sat in front of her who was doing all he could to help her. Beckett had never really put much stock in psychologists before, but she suddenly had a newfound respect for them after noticing herself how far she'd come since seeing Dr Burke. "It's getting easier."

"That's good," Burke smiled. "The first step towards recovery is acceptance and I think you've passed that stage now, we can move on to working out how we get you back to your old self again. How's work going?"

"Fine. I'm..I'm actually enjoying it again now." She let out a small laugh at this, the realisation hitting her only as she said it out loud. It wasn't that she had ever hated her job, it was still what she wanted to do, but since her shooting and going back without Castle, it just hadn't been the same. "It's stupid I know, to say I enjoy people getting murdered but it's going to happen whether I'm there or not, at least when I'm fully focused on my job I can give more to the team and we get a better result."

"I understand," Burke laughed. "Of course you don't enjoy that people are being killed but that doesn't mean you can't have some fun. Obviously there's a time and a place but I get the feeling you and your team are good at differentiating those times." Kate Beckett wasn't the first emotionally scarred person he'd ever seen and he highly doubted she'd be the last, but he felt such a sense of pride with this case. He was so proud of how far she'd come - when he'd first met her it had been like extracting blood from a stone trying to get her to talk, but now she spoke a lot more freely, even initiated the conversation at times. "And have you made any more progress with Castle?" He was slightly hesitant to bring the topic up but they needed to keep discussing it if Kate was ever going to recover properly.

"No," she replied quietly. She had seen Burke the day after her disastrous coffee with Castle and had spilled everything that had happened. Well, it's what he was there for, right? He had been sympathetic and understanding, but she knew he felt she should have expected that sort of a reaction. However he had been pleased when she admitted Castle now knew everything, even if Castle hadn't taken it well. "I've called a couple more times and sent an email but he hasn't answered or replied. Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," Burke said, pleased that she was getting more and more inquisitive as their meetings went on.

"I know he hasn't been answering or anything, but at the same time he hasn't told me to stop. I mean, I get that he doesn't want to talk to me, but would it really hurt to just ask me to stop calling? I just wondered what your opinion was on that.."

It was an interesting one, Burke would admit that. "Well, I don't actually know Mr Castle, apart from the occasional indulgence into one of his books, but in my opinion, it's because he doesn't want to let go. I can't be certain," he added before she got her hopes up. "I'd have to actually meet with him to form a proper reasoning, but from what you've told me, although he's angry and doesn't want to talk to you, there's still something keeping him holding on.." He broke off, unsure of what else to say.

"Thank you for..telling me that. I know it's only based on what I've said and hell, this is Castle - his brain is probably saying something completely different but thank you anyway, I do appreciate it."

"Not a problem," Burke replied, "I'm always here to help. Now, how are things with your friends? You mentioned that they weren't as angry that you didn't contact them while you were away, are they still okay with that?"

"I think so," Kate said. "I've only really spoken to Lanie about it, the boys..well they do feelings about as well as I do so I wasn't expecting a big deal there, but I'm fully aware of how amazing they've been, even if I haven't let them know as much." She made a mental note to thank the boys later, for being so understanding and not pressing her for information - particularly with Castle not being around anymore. "We went out for drinks after work last night, actually."

"Oh Kate, that's brilliant!" Burke praised and Beckett couldn't help but smile. "You're doing so well and you really should be proud of yourself."

"Thank you," she replied. And she was proud of herself. Just a month ago she had been a wreck, not wanting to do anything after work apart from go home and sleep. She'd hardly been eating, surviving on coffee and bananas, but now she had regained some of the weight she'd lost - not all of it but she was getting there. She usually got a good six hours sleep most nights and ate at least two meals a day, her working hours made it hard to eat three. She felt happier than she had since before the shooting, more lively and sociable - drinks with the boys the previous evening proved that. It had been a long six or so months, but she was getting there, almost back to the version of herself she had been before.

"I'm..a different person to who I used to be," she began, suddenly feeling like she wanted to talk about her past. "When my mom was killed, I shut myself off, similar to what I did when I was shot. But the thing is, it took three years of looking into my moms case, desperate to find something that someone had missed before I finally admitted that I needed help. I got the therapy I needed and sorted my life out, and that's who I was - not just before the shooting, but before Castle came along. I wasn't the wreck I used to be, but I wasn't the person I should have been. And then came Castle," she smiled at the the memory of their first meeting..oh how she had hated him. "And over the three years he worked with us, I changed - for the better. And I know what it sounds like, that I changed for Castle but I didn't. I didn't even admit that there was anything there for the first two years. I changed because of Castle, I needed to change, to be the happy, bubbly person I used to be and I was like that six months ago - so although I'd didn't change for Castle, I changed for me - it just so happened that he was the reason behind it."

"He sounds like an amazing man," Burke smiled. Hearing her open up like this..it was all he had ever wanted, for her to talk to him so he could help her.

"He is," Beckett laughed, "oh god, if you ever get the chance you have to meet him, he'll have your wife eating out of the palm of his hand in three seconds flat!"

"Maybe I'll pass on that then," Burke joked. "You're doing so well, Kate. I know the last six months have been difficult for you and I can only imagine what you went through, but it looks to me as if you're on the right track."

"You know what?" She said. "I think I am." And it was true - she was almost there.

Over the next two weeks, more remnants of her old life bubbled to the surface. Drinks with Esposito and Ryan after work became more and more regular, the two of them looking happy to have their old boss back again. Beckett had thanked them both for being so understand and not pressing her to give more than she wanted and they'd told her it was fine, that they understood her better than she thought and they knew when to leave it.

Dinner with Lanie happened twice in those two weeks - much to Lanie's joy. The ME was so happy to have her friend back she hardly stopped smiling the whole time they were out. Kate had thanked her profusely for not giving up on her, even when Kate hadn't exactly been very sociable and fun to be around. Lanie didn't care, she knew how hard Castle quitting had hit Kate and she'd always stand by her, that's what friends were for. It was brilliant to have her back though, laughing and joking just like the old times. All of them were careful not to bring Castle up and they didn't drink at The Old Haunt anymore but still, Kate had made incredible progress and all of them were so proud of her.

Kate had even caught up with Maddie, the two of them going out for breakfast one Sunday morning. It had been a little awkward at first when Maddie had asked if Kate had given in yet and started making little Castle babies, but they'd got over that quickly, Maddie still remembering how to change the subject around Kate when things got tough to talk about. They'd laughed and joked just like old times and Kate had left feeling happier than she had in ages.

And that's why she found herself in the car on a Saturday morning, not on call or needed at the precinct for any reason, driving over to Castle's loft. She was ready, for all of it, whatever he wanted from her he could have; if he wanted to be friends again then fine. If he wanted more than that then that was fine too, that's what she wanted.

She wasn't completely naïve though, she knew there was some chance that Castle would still want nothing to do with her, that he would push her away again and Beckett had accepted that. It wouldn't be easy if that were to happen, but she knew it was a high possibility, and it was only the months of therapy with Dr Burke that told her she couldn't let it break her if it were to happen. If he pushed her away then she had to deal with it - properly, not shut down and shut everyone out, not again.

But like Castle would say - all good stories had that bit in the middle where the characters encounter major problems, she just had to hope that they were ready to move past that stage now and look towards making a future together.

Beckett felt optimistic about her impending meeting with Castle for some reason. Perhaps it was to do with the fact that she was settled now, she had got back into a routine at work, she'd talked through all her problems so many times with Dr Burke that it had made her a better person. She was much more open now, more willing to express her feelings and talk them through..and those walls she had told Castle about so long ago were well on their way down.

Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door to Castle's loft and waited for him to answer. It wasn't Castle that answered though, it was Martha.

"Oh Katherine dear, how lovely to see you!" Martha pulled her into a tight hug, ushering her into the apartment. It hadn't been the reception Kate and been expecting from Castle's mother, she would have thought Martha would be a lot colder towards her than that after what she had put Castle through, he was still her little boy after all. "Can I get you a drink?" She offered.

"Oh um..water would be great, thanks."

"Not at all dear, you go and make yourself comfy in the living room and I'll bring it over." Martha hurried off to the kitchen and Beckett did as she had been instructed, making her way over to the sofa.

"Now then, Katherine, what brings you over here this morning?"

It was stupid to have assumed Castle would be in, but she couldn't have called to ask - he didn't talk to her anymore. "Oh..I uh, I came over to see Castle. I can wait..or I'll come back another time if he's busy.."

Martha's brow knitted together in confusion before it hit her. Richard had said not many people knew, but she would have thought news would have travelled through the precinct by now, they were detectives after all. "Well, you're welcome to wait, my dear but I'm not sure he and Alexis will be back before thanksgiving - Alexis chose to go to Stanford and Richard moved to California with her."

California? He was in California? Oh god, this was not happening..a state of shock had overtaken her, confusion mixed with hurt and anger. How could she not have heard he was moving to California? It was the other side of the country for crying out loud! She heard Martha mutter something and head into Castle's office but Beckett couldn't focus on what..her brain had gone fuzzy.

Martha reentered the room and passed something to Kate. "He left this for you, said it was his only option." Kate looked down to what Martha and pressed into her hands - it was a letter addressed to her.

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