"So wonderful to see you again," Lucy was not shy about hugging Rayna as she came into the kitchen with her usual gusto on a Wednesday morning in October. "Married and such. "
It had been a whole month since they'd seen Lucy. They'd opted instead of a private honeymoon for a two week long vacation with the girls to Martha's Vineyard. It was perfect fall weather, tourist season over so no one bothered them, just relaxing in the little beachside cottage and enjoying quiet time as a family.
Rayna was happier than she'd ever been, looking down at that ring on her finger a million times a day, looking over at that man who was now her husband. Finally. She felt like everything in her life, everything that was going into Lucy's book, now had reasons behind it she hadn't understood until now. It had led her to this: finally this life she was supposed to be in, with Deacon and her girls, a life that was good and sweet and unbelievably happy.
"The sparkle is in your eye, my dear. I don't have to ask how it got there."
She had the grace to blush.
"Marriage looks good on you," Lucy said without qualms.
"Well, it feels good," Rayna said. "It feels right. Finally. Just…I feel so damn happy. Like everything is right with the world." She couldn't hide her smile. "I think Deacon and I are both walking around grinning like fools."
"Tell me about your marriage to Teddy." Lucy said, settling herself on a kitchen stool as she watched Rayna buzz around the kitchen. "Not that I'm raining on your happy parade, but that's about the only thing we haven't discussed yet."
"Well," Rayna said slowly. "You know how that came about….with Maddie and all. Sometimes I feel like I stayed with him because I owed him. And that's….not why you stay married to someone. It only works for so long before it falls apart."
#########################
From the outside, Rayna knew it had looked like they had the perfect life. She was a famous country music star, her career at the top of its game, he was a banker, dabbling in real estate on the side. They had two perfect daughters a beautiful home, the luxuries of life which most people never saw. But it was a forced, artificial happiness, the kind you put on your face because you didn't want to seem selfish or ungrateful.
It was about year nine into their marriage that Rayna started to admit to herself that she wasn't happy. And she didn't think Teddy was either. She tried to love him. She really did. Tried to imagine that she felt some deep connection to him, that he understood her, and she understood him. They worked well as a team, raising their daughters, making a house into a home, making a family. They both put in the effort. They both tried.
But sometimes she wondered if you should have to try so hard to love someone, to make it work. The effort in the relationship, she understood. The effort that went into feeling love for someone, she didn't understand why it should feel so hard.
One night laying in bed, he was almost asleep and she asked him. He was on his side of the bed, her on hers, facing away from each other. They almost never made love anymore. Giving each other excuses, letting each other get away with it. Too tired. Headache. Early morning ahead. Kids in the house. It was all excuses, and they both knew it.
Maybe it was her fault, she wondered. There had always been a gap between the two of them, and Deacon standing in the middle of it. Deacon would always be in the middle of that gap, because of Maddie, because of the truth he didn't even know. Maybe she'd let that gap get too wide, and it was too late to ever close it now. They were too far apart. It had just been a small break at the beginning and now it felt like the Grand Canyon.
"Why did you fall in love with me?" She asked, breaking the silence in the dark.
"What?" Teddy's voice sounded surprised.
"Why?" she repeated. "What made you fall in love with me? I mean, I was a mess. Pregnant with another mans child…" They hardly ever said those words out loud, even when only in each other's company. He had made her promise the day Maddie was born that she would never betray him by revealing the truth. And she hadn't. So many times, watching Maddie and how much she loved her "Uncle Deacon", she'd been tempted. But she kept the secret. It had been the right thing to do back then, she knew. But she wondered now, if it was the right thing to keep doing. She wondered if any of it was right anymore.
Teddy was quiet, contemplating. "You dazzled me," he said. "When you're onstage, I just watch you and you shine. And I get to come home to you every night."
She knew he couldn't see the lone tear falling from her cheek in the dark, but she brushed it away quickly anyway.
"Is that the answer you wanted?" He asked quietly.
She didn't know what answer she was looking for.
With a sigh, she rolled back over on her side. "Good night, Teddy."
"Good night, Rayna."
Minutes later, she heard his breathing slow again, deep and even, and only then did she let the tears fall.
That was truly the moment she knew it was over. Teddy loved her, same as she loved him, a kind of affection you felt for a person who you shared every day with. But they weren't IN love with each other. She dazzled him, he said. She didn't want to dazzle him. She didn't want him to be just another fan who saw her only as the Rayna onstage, who saw the glitter, and the shiny outfits, who heard the voice but not what was behind it.
She wanted someone whose heart beat in sync with hers. Who felt what she felt, who knew her when she didn't know herself.
Unfortunately, she'd lost that person a long time ago and it was much too late now to get him back.
#####################################
"So things went downhill after that," Lucy said in a reserved tone. "That's very hard. Letting any marriage go is painful, even one that's half-assed. Staying in it for the kids or for the wrong reasons is even harder."
"Well that's a nice way of putting it," Rayna said dryly.
Lucy shrugged and made a few notes on her paper. "I'm just saying it like it is." She said without qualms. "Personally I think everyone's got a soulmate somewhere. Just not everyone is lucky enough to find theirs. Too many people settle for the wrong person because they're just tired of waiting, or things aren't going their way."
"Did you find yours?"
"Yes," Lucy said with a smile. "And that's your one question for the day."
"Did you marry him?"
"Ah, that's two questions," she scolded. "Now back to the defunct marriage."
Rayna made a face. "Didn't we cover enough of that?"
"It must have been very painful, having to deal with all that in the public eye and keep your stage face on."
Rayna shrugged with a sigh and went back to packing the girls lunches. "It was," she confessed quietly. "Especially after I found out Teddy had stolen that money. I couldn't trust him after that and whatever force there had been for us to make it work, even because of the girls…it was gone. We lost the willpower, I guess. Teddy went off and found…comfort in Peggy. And I…."
"You still loved Deacon," Lucy said without hesitation.
Rayna's face softened at the mention of him. "I always loved him. Even when we couldn't be together, he was just…such a part of me. Loving him was as natural as breathing. We've had our rough moments, you know, with him finding out about Maddie, and the accident, his relapse, but… he was always there. And I know he will always be there. I love him more than I did last week, or yesterday, or this morning, more every second. He is my other half."
Lucy nodded, satisfied. "That's what you do when you find your soulmate, sweetheart. You hold on for dear life, through every hurricane forced wind that blows your way. And when the storm is over, if you're still clingin to each other, you know it's the one."
Rayna smiled, loving the euphemism. "I guess you can say we made it through the hurricane. I'm just enjoying the sunshine and rainbows now."
Lucy closed her notebook and stood up. "Well, that's it, I think I'm good."
Rayna walked her to the door. "See you on Wednesday?"
"Nope," Lucy said cheerfully. "This is it. We're done."
"Wait- what?" Rayna said, stunned. "Really?"
"Yep."
"But…I mean…isn't there other stuff you want to talk about?"
"Well honey, I think you pretty much told me everything. Is there other stuff, you want to talk about?"
"Well, I…guess not," she faltered. "I'm just…surprised. Will you come back and see us? Let me know when the book is done?"
"Don't worry, Mark will contact you. You probably won't see me again. I'm a busy old lady, you see. Trying to stay incognito. We don't want to blow Roger's cover," she winked and adjusted her Yankees cap. "You take care of those pretty girls and that fine looking guitar player of yours."
She laughed. "Well, I think they're really the ones who take care of me."
Lucy patted her arm. "You did just fine, Rayna, you hear that? You don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. We all got battles in our lives. What matters is how you face em."
And with that she got into her little beat up car and drove away.
###################################
Six months later…..
Rayna was awakened by a gentle shake of her shoulder, and she rolled over to see Deacon sitting on the side of the bed. He had such a look of sadness on his face that it sent her heart into panic mode.
"What?" She said, immediately starting to get up. "What's wrong? The girls?"
"No, they're fine," he said quietly. "But darlin….Lucy Hayes two days ago at Vanderbilt hospital."
Her heart dropped. "What? No…are you serious?"
"Her agent called Bucky. He said she knew she'd been sick for about a year or so, but didn't want anyone to know. Her heart was failing. I guess in the last few weeks she went downhill in a hurry and was hospitalized."
Rayna sunk slowly onto the sofa. "Why wouldn't she tell us?" She murmured. "Maybe we could have helped or something."
"Lucy was a pretty independent lady, you know that. I doubt it she would have even taken any help from anyone." Like someone else he knew.
She smiled sadly. "You're probably right. Did they say anything about funeral arrangements?"
"Yes, Bucky said it's family only. I told him we at least wanted to send flowers."
"But she was family to us! I want to be there."
"Yes, but I don't think she wanted her cover blown, even after she was gone. Maybe someone else will take up where Roger Marten left off." He handed Rayna a package that had been delivered by courier earlier that morning. "I have a feeling you know what this is."
She did. She knew even as she sunk back into the edge of the bed and ripped off the packaging . She stared down at it in her hands. The first copy of her and Lucy's book. A note on top said it was pending her approval. As long as she read it over and everything was fine, she could let Mark, Lucy's agent, know, and it would be sent to the printers and published early next year.
She opened the inside cover, and there was a newspaper clipping tucked inside, an obituary.
Lucille Hayes. Age 77. It just said she was survived by her children and grandchildren, and then simply stated "in her earlier years she was a journalist, and always ready to crack a good joke."
"That's it?" Rayna couldn't believe it. "I mean, she wrote hundreds of books, Deacon. She had a phenomenal career, and that's all the recognition she gets?"
He sighed. "I don't think she ever did it to be famous, Ray. I think it was….like the biggest joke of all, you know? She pulled one over on everyone, and you know what? I bet she's laughing up there in heaven right now at you worrying about this. Drinking her motor oil coffee and having a good laugh."
She let Deacon pull her into his arms. "I hope you're right. I just….will miss her, you know? I liked having her around all those months. She was good to us. And to the girls."
"She was," he agreed softly.
She traced her hands over the cover of the book with her face on it, all new and shiny and sparkling. Rayna Jaymes: Rhinestone Dreams. She knew before even opening it that no corrections were going to be needed. But to read her life on paper…to hand it over to that publisher and give the okay for the world to read it also…was still a little intimidating.
Lucy's words came back to her, from their last conversation. We all have our battles. What matters is how you face them.
Deacon's gentle hands squeezed her shoulders. "Why don't you go find a quiet place to read that, and I'll handle things around here the rest of the day."
Numb, she agreed with him, and went downstairs into her office, sinking into the worn leather sofa to read.
Taking a deep breath she opened the first page.
I received a present when I was 11 years old that changed my life…
It was dark by the time she emerged from the room. A whole day had passed. Supper done, the girls long in bed, the kitchen cleaned. They hadn't dared so much to even knock on the door.
He was asleep on the sofa waiting for her.
"Hey," she touched his face gently, his 5 o clock shadow rough under her hand.
He stirred and sat up.
She didn't know if a man should be called adorable, but she thought he was, all rumpled hair and brow furrowed in worry about her.
"You okay?"
"I'm okay." She said softly.
He touched the cover of the book in her hand. "Should I ask?"
"It's perfect," she murmured. "Absolutely perfect. Just enough and not too much. I couldn't have asked for a better writer. And friend." Lucy had captured the best and worst parts of her life in a way that was more amazing than she could have imagined it would turn out.
The last page was a picture of her and Deacon and the girls, the only pic of the girls she had decided to allow. It had been taken a few months ago backstage at one of her concerts, the four of them sitting on the edge of the stage, her on one end and Deacon on the other with the girls sandwiched in between. It was the perfect reflection of the person that stared back at her in the mirror every day now: one of a woman who was truly happy.
"I want to change the dedication, though," she said softly. "I know originally I had it dedicated to the girls, but…it seems right for it to be in Lucy's honor. You think that would be okay? No one would know, right?"
"Think that would be pretty neat."
She closed her eyes and leaned her head against Deacon's shoulder and sent a silent prayer to the heavens. Say hi to my mama for me, Lucy. I bet if you ask her, she'll sing for you…
The End