The waiting for Castle to open the door was torture. Each second felt like an hour and it took all of her self control not to bolt back towards the elevator and catch the next flight back to JFK. He probably wouldn't even want to see her, what was the point in her even being here? To prove him wrong, the voice in her head said and she knew it was right, even if he threw a tantrum, said he didn't want to see her she wasn't giving up, he hadn't for over three years and she wasn't about to run when the going got tough.

"Beckett!" Castle exclaimed as he answered the door, the sound of surprise evident in his voice.

"Hey, Castle," Beckett smiled in reply. God it was good to see him. California had been good to him, his skin tanned and sun kissed beneath his well fitting shirt.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, his surprise turning to curiosity and oh god, that sounded a bit like anger.

"To see you," Beckett replied calmly, in order for this to work, she couldn't get angry at him, this wasn't his fault. "Are you gonna let me in or.." She was reminded of one of the first times she'd gine to see him at his loft and found him and Alexis clad in laser tag gear and Martha with a face mask on, Alexis having to remind her dad about manners in order for her to be invited in.

"I uh..yeah," he said, opening the door wider to let her in. What the hell was she doing here? It wasn't as if he'd just moved 20 miles down the road, he lived on the other side of the country now! "How did you know where I was?" He blurted out. He'd spoken to his mother just yesterday and she'd given no indication that Beckett was on her way, where else would she have got his address?

"You left me a letter, remember?" She asked coldly.

Ah, the letter maybe not the best idea then. "It was a goodbye letter, Beckett, not a sign to abuse police resources and track down my address."

"Alexis gave me your address, okay?" She told him, trying - and failing - to keep her voice to a normal volume. This could be going better but then, what had she expected? That Castle would look at things the same way Alexis had done and take the fact that she was here as all he needed to know and pretend nothing had gone wrong? No, not likely, he could be just as stubborn as her when he wanted to be.

"You really are New York's finest, aren't you," he muttered, dropping to the couch. He should have known simply moving to another state wouldn't make him hard to find, not with the best detective in New York City looking for him. "Well I'm sorry, but you've had a wasted journey, I don't have anything to say to you."

He..what? "Are you being serious?" She asked. "If you think I'm walking out of this door without talking things through with you then you have another think coming. I didn't come here for a vacation, you know, I came to talk to you."

"And what is it you want to say?" He asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "That you're sorry? That you didn't mean to lie to me about what you heard? That you didn't mean to not call me for three months?" He was getting angry now, moving to California had been his attempt at getting over her and although it had soon become apparent it would be impossible to forget her completely, he thought he was doing okay. Not quite up to dating anyone else yet, but beginning to think he might be able to move on one day.

Beckett winced at the harshness of his words. "Castle," she whispered, pleading. "Please, just let me talk."

"And then you'll go?" He prompted.

"Yes," she nodded, "then I'll go." To her hotel, not back to New York, at least he hadn't stipulated where he wanted her to go.

"Okay fine, talk."

"Can I sit?" She asked, gesturing to the seat opposite him. He studied her for minute but apparently decided it wouldn't cause too much trouble if he allowed her to take a seat. God, where did she begin? She could apologise, or begin to explain her actions.. "When I was shot and you told me you loved me, I was shocked. I don't think I could quite comprehend what had happened, lying there on that cemetery ground with a bullet lodged in my chest..I was burying my captain, for crying out loud, the man who had been a hero to me for so long. And then there you were, all puppy dog eyes and serious face, telling me you loved me right before I blacked out. When I first woke up, I thought I'd dreamt it. I thought I had imagined you telling me you loved me and that it was all a fantasy..but then you showed up at the hospital looking all hopeful and I knew then that I hadn't imagined it, that it was real. And if I needed anymore confirmation, it was the look on your face when I said I didn't remember."

"You're not helping youself, you know," he bit out scathingly. "If you wanted me to forgive you then you're going the wrong way about it, making it more obvious that you knew all along." It took everything he had not to just tell her to drop it and kiss her senseless. She'd followed him to the other side of the country, for crying out loud, despite her mistakes surely that had to count for something? But he couldn't take that risk. She'd broken his heart once already, he'd be stupid to trust her with it again.

"I'm going for honesty, Castle," she replied, a sad smile on her face. "Goodness knows it's about time we actually said how we felt."

"I did," he said bluntly. "You just chose to ignore me."

He had a point, but she was doing well here, she needed to carry on. "And lying about it just seemed easier, I mean I was still with Josh and-"

"You aren't still with him, then?" Castle asked without really meaning too, he didn't really want her to think he was interested.

"I told you we broke up when I last saw you?" She replied, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"I figured you would have gone back to him after I left," he admitted, "told him it was a mistake or something.."

"After five months?" She laughed. "I broke up with Josh the day I left the hospital," she clarified.

Well that was certainly news to him, when she'd said they'd split up, he assumed it was just a little misunderstanding and they'd be back together within the week. He couldn't help the little surge of happiness at this newfound information.

"Anyway," she continued. "After I broke up with Josh, I needed to focus on myself for bit." For you, she added silently. "I went to my dad's cabin and recovered, I honestly didn't realise so much time had passed and I know that doesn't matter, that I should have picked up the phone and called you the second I got out of the hospital but I was a mess. Someone tried to kill me, my best friend admitted he was in love with me and I broke up with my boyfriend. It was all too much, I didn't know how to cope..I mean, you know me, when have I ever been good at talking about feelings?"

It was true, he knew that she wasn't an easy person to talk to when you didn't know her, came across as closed off most of the time. And his heart surged at her 'best friends' comment, damn stupid heart, hadn't it been through enough?

"And so I did what I do best," she said, "I cut everyone off and closed myself away, didn't talk to anyone but my dad and my therapist for almost three months." Beckett was incredibly surprised that Castle hadn't interrupted her more than he had, he usually couldn't keep his mouth shut..it was a bad sign, she felt, if there was a chance in hell of him even beginning to forgive her, he'd be talking more, asking her questions instead of acting like he didn't even care that she was here. Despite knowing the whole time that it was a high possibility, she wouldn't deny it hurt. A lot.

"I couldn't believe it when the boys said you hadn't stopped investigating my shooting, I thought you would have given up on me long before that, I didn't exactly give you any reason to even want to look into it. And then I came to see you at that book signing and watching you walk away from me was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life."

After a few moments of silence in the room, Castle broke it. "Are you done now?" His voice was uncharacteristically cold, giving away no emotion. When she didn't answer, he got up from his place on the couch and headed back towards the front door. "Great, nice to see you, say hi to Esposito and Ryan for me." He opened the door for her, waiting for her to catch up.

Letting out a quiet chuckle, Beckett rose from her seat and followed him to the door - she wasn't giving him what he wanted though, instead of walking out of it, she pulled it from his grasp and slammed it shut again. "I'm not going anywhere."

Castle opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish. What the hell? "You agreed to leave once you'd said your piece," he reminded her, "you've said what you wanted to say, now go."

"No, Castle," she replied defiantly, "I came here to talk things through with you, I'm not leaving until we've done that."

"And here I was, thinking you were smart," he said sarcastically. "Which part of 'leave' don't you understand, Beckett?"

"The part where I leave and you don't say anything," she replied. "I'll stay here all night if I have to, Castle, I just need to know where we stand." Whatever he said she wasn't leaving the city, it would just help her figure out what to do next if he helped her to understand what he was thinking.

"Me moving to another state didn't answer that?" He laughed cruelly. "I think I've made it perfectly clear where we stand, Beckett, it's about time you realised it too."

"You do know I read the letter you wrote me," she pointed out, his reaction similar to what she had anticipated. "That letter sure didn't sound like someone who'd given up."

He hated that she was right. What ever he said to her now wasn't really much use, she'd read what he had to say just before he left and that had been pretty heartwarming in a heartbreaking sort of way.

"Yeah well, things change," he said. "That letter was written almost three weeks ago, a lot can happen in that time." He didn't even know why he was being so harsh to her. Sure, she'd lied to him and acted like he didn't exist for three months but did she really deserve this? His heart said no but that was the same heart that had been shattered into a million pieces when he found out she'd lied to him, quite clearly she hadn't felt the same way so why listen to his stupid damn heart, it would only get him into trouble.

"You're being quite rude, you know," she pointed out helpfully. "Goodness knows what your mother would say right now. Or your daughter, come to that," she added thoughtfully.

If he wasn't determined to get her to leave as soon as physically possible, he would have laughed. She was right, his mother and his daughter would both scold him for his rudeness right now but they weren't here so her point was irrelevant.

"Look, I'm sorry you've had a wasted journey but there's nothing I can do. You lied to me and pushed me away, despite everything we've been through together, and as much as I wish it didn't, it hurts too much to forgive you. I meant what I said in that letter, one day you're going to find someone who makes you happy and you'll realise why we didn't happen." If another man so much as looked at her in his presence he'd need restraining but she didn't need to know that, all she needed to know was that this wasn't happening.

She studied him for a few moments, a little twinkle in her eye. "You know I don't believe you, right?" She grinned as she re-opened the door and sauntered down the hallway towards the elevator, leaving Castle stood dumbstruck in the doorway of his own apartment.

A/N: think I lost some of you when I mentioned 'more angst' but thank you if you're still with me :)

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