"I don't much care for surprises, Tetchy, unless I'm the one setting 'em up," snapped Joker. "I'd like to know where I'm going for my vacation. I need to know if I'm too dressed up for one thing – you think the purple suit works?"
"I'm sure you'll fit in splendidly," said Tetch, adjusting a few dials on the hat.
"Yeah, the purple suit works for most things," agreed Joker. "Never outta style."
"Did Jervis say we're going someplace sunny?" asked Harley Quinn, entering wearing a short, red and black dress and sunglasses. "I really want a tan."
"Uh…he didn't say, pumpkin," said Joker, forcing a smile. "Didn't we already talk about this just being a vacation for Daddy, cupcake?"
"Well, I ain't about to let you go to an alternate reality on your own," said Harley, frowning. "What if there are other women there? There's no way they'd be able to resist you. You need me around to keep them offa ya."
"Yeah…fate worse than death, being mobbed by other women," muttered Joker. "Sure wouldn't be able to handle that myself."
"That's right, you wouldn't," retorted Harley. "You think Batman's nuts, wait until you have to deal with a mob of screaming fangirls. But your Harley is here to protect you from them, puddin'," she purred, kissing his cheek.
He smiled again. "Harley, I think I've forgotten my joy buzzer," he said, feeling in his pockets. "You think you could go back to my cell and look for it for me, pumpkin pie?"
"Sure thing, puddin'!" she said, kissing him and skipping off.
"Do it now!" hissed Joker, turning back to Tetch. "I will not have that clingy little brat ruining my vacation!"
"You expect me to take the brunt of her wrath when she returns to see you already gone?" demanded Tetch.
"It's you or the book," snapped Joker, pointing at the first edition.
Tetch sighed. "Very well. But I'm telling her it was all your doing," he snapped. "Ready?"
"Yeah, hurry up about it before she gets back!" snapped Joker. A second later, there was a flash of light, and Joker opened his eyes…to more flashing lights, which he suddenly realized were laser beams.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted, leaping out of the way of one of them. "That little freak has sent me to a warzone!"
He paused. "I guess it's partially my fault for not expressing a preference. And I guess a warzone does count as interesting…"
He jumped out of the way of another shot. "I'm still gonna kill him when I get outta here," he muttered, racing toward a nearby building. He was lucky enough not to be caught in the crossfire, but as he peered out of his hiding place, he realized how lucky he was – there was quite a battle going on. The lasers mostly appeared to be coming from the Justice League – Superman, Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, and Green Lantern were shooting at the people on the ground, who looked severely outgunned. The Justice League were wearing slightly different costumes than what Joker was used to, and as he watched Superman shoot his laser eyes into a civilian on the ground, killing him instantly, he began to suspect that this alternate reality was not exactly a fun place to be.
He was joined suddenly behind the building by a familiar figure who put a radio to his lips. "Fall back, all units, repeat, fall back and return to base! Abort mission, repeat, abort mission! Get yourself away from Arkham now!"
Joker had only just noticed that the fight was taking place in the grounds of Arkham, and that the building he was hiding behind was the asylum itself, although the place looked nothing like it did in his reality. "What's the battle about, Johnny?" he asked.
The man holding the radio was indeed Jonathan Crane, who turned to look at him in shock. "How…how did you get out of the building?" he gasped.
"Ok, this is gonna be really hard to explain, but you're a smart guy and the Hat nerd must have told you what he was building at some point," said Joker. "I'm from an alternate universe, and I was sent here for a vacation."
Crane stared at him. "I was aware damage had been done to you, but I didn't know it warped your mind so much that you talked nonsense," he snapped.
"Nonsense, yes! That's what the Hat guy specializes in, so you know it's true!" said Joker, smiling.
Crane raised the radio to his lips again. "Harley, how's it going?"
"Almost got him to come down!" came a familiar voice. "Hold them off a little longer, Johnny!"
"I'm behind Arkham – you need to come here and see this," said Crane.
"I'm kinda busy right now, Johnny!" snapped Harley's voice. "What is it?"
"You need to see this," he repeated. "You won't believe it if I told you."
Harley gave a little growl of rage. They heard an explosion near them, and suddenly Joker caught sight of Harley being chased by several Superman robots. She flipped out of the way of their lasers, backflipping onto her hands suddenly and launching herself into one, kicking its head off. She ducked as two others shot at her, causing them to shoot each other instead. She used her hammer to smash three more, and then glared up at the real Superman floating above her.
"Is that all ya got, you alien freak?!" she shrieked.
He landed opposite her. "You have one chance to surrender, Quinn," he muttered.
"What, so you can do to me what you did to the others?" she demanded, holding up her hammer. "I'd rather go down fighting."
"Your choice," he said, his eyes heating up. He roared in pain suddenly as Crane stabbed him in the back, ripping the knife out hastily.
"I've got it, Harley, go!" he shouted. Harley turned and ran, leaping out of the way of Superman's laser vision. She skidded to a halt behind the building, where she was joined a second later by Crane, who was carefully wrapping the knife blade and stowing it on his belt.
"All right, now what do I need to see?" she demanded. Crane gestured behind her, and she turned to face the Joker.
She stepped back in shock, and then deep sadness filled her eyes. "Mr…J?" she whispered.
"Hiya, kiddo!" he exclaimed, beaming. "No hard feelings for going on vacation without you, huh?"
The sadness in her eyes suddenly ignited into blind rage, and she punched him hard across the face. "Wow, I guess there are hard feelings…" began Joker.
"How dare you?!" she hissed. "How dare you impersonate puddin', the greatest man who ever lived?! How dare you even think you can live up to his glory?!"
"Impersonate?" he repeated. "What the hell are you talking about? I ain't impersonating anyone! I'm the Joker, the one and only!"
Harley looked ready to hit him again, when a laser bolt suddenly hit the wall above them, raining the debris onto their heads. "C'mon," growled Harley, grabbing Joker's arm as she raced away from the building. "Johnny, quick!"
"Jervis, we've got it, lock onto our signal and take us back down the rabbit hole!" shouted Crane into the radio.
"Understood, hang on," said Jervis Tetch's voice. A second later, Joker once again saw a flash of light, and then found himself landing with a bump in a tunnel on top of Harley. She stared up at him in tenderness for a second, and then her eyes narrowed in hatred again.
"Get offa me!" she growled, pushing him off. She stood up, dusting herself off, as Jervis Tetch approached them.
"You've got it?" he asked, hopefully.
Crane pulled out the knife, handing it to him. Tetch unwrapped it and breathed a sigh of relief. "A small step to victory, and yet a huge step," he murmured.
"Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?" demanded Joker. "Why are the Justice League killing people?"
Crane laughed without humor. "Justice League! Who on earth are they? A league would imply some manner of free will and choice. These are the Justice Lords, and they're as tyrannical as their name suggests. All who stand in their way are punished by death or…a fate worse than death."
Harley teared up, but she wiped her eyes hastily. "Why are you pretending like you don't know who the Justice Lords are?" she demanded. "And why are you impersonating puddin'?"
"I told you, it's no impersonation!" he snapped. "I came here from an alternate universe! I'm the Joker!"
"You're crazy!" hissed Harley.
"Yeah, see?" said Joker. "That proves I'm the Joker! Look, ask the Hat guy if you don't believe me," he said, nodding at Tetch. "You ever created an alternate reality simulator?"
"I…had plans to," agreed Tetch, nodding slowly. "But after…the event, I had bigger problems to worry about."
"You're asking us to believe you're the real Joker in a different reality?" demanded Harley, hands on hips. "Even if that were true, why would you come here?"
"I told Johnny, I'm here on vacation," snapped Joker.
Harley shared a look with Crane. "That's insane," she snapped. "Nobody would come to this horrible universe for a vacation!" Her gaze softened. "I…I guess Mr. J might have, though…that does sound like something he'd do…"
She approached him. "If you're really Mr. J, you'll be able to tell me something only he would know about me. Something…private and…intimate that nobody else would know."
He laughed. "Where do I start?" he asked. "You got a J scar carved over your heart that I gave you. You wanna call our two kids Arleen and J.J. Your favorite toy during sex is the whoopie cushion. Your favorite sex position is…"
"Ok, not that intimate!" interrupted Harley. "I believe you!"
She still glared at him. "Well, welcome to our universe," she murmured. "You can join in the resistance if you wanna. We could use you."
"You know I'm always up for a fight, sweets!" chuckled Joker, looking around. "So who's in charge of this party?"
"I am," retorted Harley, folding her arms across her chest.
"You're leading the resistance?" Joker asked, incredulously. He laughed. "But you couldn't lead a horse to water!"
"Maybe in your universe," she murmured. "But a lot has changed in this one over the past couple years. Including people. We've had to step up to our responsibilities. We've had no choice. In fact, no one's had a choice since it happened."
"Since what happened?" asked Joker.
"Superman killed Lex Luthor," murmured Tetch.
Joker laughed hysterically. "Sucker!" he giggled.
"It's not funny!" snapped Harley. "At least, the repercussions haven't been."
"The Justice Lords decided that the people couldn't live in fear anymore," murmured Crane. "So they began monitoring the whole world from the Watchtower. The smallest sign of trouble and they're there, crushing it. They treated all who opposed them the same as Luthor. Or…worse," he stammered, glancing at Harley again. Tears were running down her cheeks.
"Free will is dangerous, you see," murmured Tetch. "Free will and choice and freedom…they all run the risk of people making the wrong choice. So the Justice Lords took all of that away. Now they control everything, and the people do what they're told. Most of them, anyway."
"So the fear is gone," murmured Crane. "There is peace. And it's hell on earth. You can have peace or you can have freedom. But you can't have both."
Joker whistled. "Wow, glad I don't live here!" he chuckled. "Sounds like the kinda place the Bat would love!"
"Batman has not been seen since it happened," said Tetch. "He doesn't appear to be entirely with the Justice Lords. But nor does he oppose them. He just hides away in his cave."
"Aw, the poor, brooding Batfreak!" sighed Joker. "He just needs me to jolly him outta his mood, as usual! Speaking of which, why ain't I in charge of this party?" he asked, looking around.
Crane and Tetch looked to Harley, who had tears running down her cheeks. "We've…lost so many," she whispered. "Fighting against them. Harvey…Red…puddin'…"
"What?" demanded Joker. "How could those Justice freaks have killed me?! I'm better than all of them!"
"They didn't kill you," murmured Crane. "They did something much worse."
Joker looked expectantly at them. "I'm sorry…you deserve to be shown," whispered Harley, striding off down the tunnel. "Follow me."
They entered a room with huge monitors and screens set up next to a giant computer. "We use these to hack into the Justice Lords communications systems," said Harley. "Jervis built it – he's been an incredible asset to the cause. Most of the technology we use is designed by him."
"And hopefully I will be able to design a weapon capable of stopping the Justice Lords once and for all, now that I have this," said Tetch, holding up the knife. "Superman's DNA. I'm working on synthesizing Kryptonite to react with his blood. Once their leader is gone, the Justice Lords will be easier to deal with. With your permission, Harley, I'll head off to work on it now."
"Of course, Jervis," said Harley, nodding at him. "Johnny, go get some rest," she said to Crane. "You need it. Croc and Bane can keep watch tonight."
They both left her and Joker alone. Harley typed some data into the computer. "We were both captured by them about three months ago," she murmured. "You had been leading the fight against them, and they were mad at you. The moment we were back in Arkham, Superman and Batman came to see you."
Tears came to her eyes again. "I…I saw the whole thing," she whispered. "I was going to be next, but I managed to escape. Too late to save you, and I'll never forgive myself for that. There was nothing I could do to stop them. But I had to watch, I couldn't turn away…"
She shut her eyes. "Batman turned away, though," she whispered. "He knew what Superman was going to do, and he turned away. He gave Superman his permission, and he left you to your fate. I still remember you calling after him, but he ignored you, even though he knew…and you knew…"
She choked on a sob. "Superman…just looked at you. And his eyes reddened, and he…he…"
She trailed off, sobbing, as the Joker looked up at the screen, where he saw himself seated at a desk. This Joker's eyes were hollow and vacant, and two holes scarred his forehead as he hummed tunelessly to himself. He doodled meaningless signs and words on a scrap of paper.
"Joker!" said a voice, and alternate Joker looked up, smiling politely.
"How can I help you, Superman?" he asked, sincerely, in a flat, monotone voice.
"Get people out into the yard to clean up the mess left from the fight," muttered Superman.
"At once, Superman," said Joker, standing up. "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
"No," snapped Superman, turning away. "But I wish I'd killed that useless girlfriend of yours while I had the chance."
"Girlfriend?" repeated Joker, thoughtfully. "I don't remember her. Who is she?"
"She's a troublemaker," muttered Superman. "And you know what we do with troublemakers."
"You subdue them," agreed Joker. "Violent behavior will not be tolerated. Nor will a bad attitude."
"That's right," said Superman, nodding. "What does that lead to?"
"Chaos," replied Joker. "The worst of all possible things. We must always strive to keep order and peace. Order is freedom. Peace is freedom. The Justice Lords give us freedom. All hail them," he said, bowing to Superman.
Superman grinned. "Batman should have done this to you a long time ago," he said, striding off.
Joker looked from the screen to Harley, who kept on crying. "What the hell…have they done to me?" he whispered.
"Superman lobotomized you," she murmured. "That's what he does to those who oppose them. He turns them into mindless, unthinking slaves. He did the same to Harvey and Ivy. Now you're all in Arkham as docile little robots to them."
She turned off the screen. "I'll never stop fighting them," she whispered. "I'll die fighting them. For puddin'."
Joker stared at her, then nodded in resolution. "Looks like I got here just in time," he said. "What you guys need is a hero."
"You ain't a hero, puddin'," she whispered.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "But Batman is."