And then lobotomized Joker started laughing. "The clown went to the doctor's because he felt funny!" he giggled hysterically. "Funny! I get it!"
Everyone stared at him in confusion as he doubled over laughing. "All right – it ain't that funny," muttered Joker, watching his lobotomized self rolling on the ground laughing.
"Cause…cause he's a clown, so he's funny, and he felt…funny!" giggled lobotomized Joker, gasping for breath. "Why aren't you all laughing? Don't you get it?"
"What the hell's the matter with you, Joker?" demanded Superman, angrily.
"What's the matter with you? Don't you get the joke?" laughed lobotomized Joker.
"Stop laughing!" roared Superman, releasing Harley to grab him. He shook him violently. "You will be collected and orderly, remember?!"
"Yes, Superman," he said, calming. "But you know what?"
"What?" demanded Superman.
Lobotomized Joker beckoned him closer. "Being collected and orderly is no fun," he whispered in his ear. "Psych!" he shouted, throwing Batman's utility belt around Superman's neck suddenly. Superman choked as he felt the Kryptonite emanating from the belt, falling to his knees and gasping.
"Batman, get it off me," he whispered.
Batman just stared back at him. "No," he said. "Not this time, Superman."
Superman stared at him. "You're…you're siding with…them?!" he gasped. "Criminals and lunatics?!"
"We're not so different anymore, Superman," retorted Batman. "We used to be, but we're not now. Power-crazed tyrants in stupid costumes – we're actually a lot worse. We know why we did this. Not to protect anyone. That's what we told ourselves, but it wasn't true. The truth, if we dared admit it, was that we liked being in charge. We formed the Justice Lords because we thought we knew what was best for the world. We thought we could change it to suit our designs. But tell me, isn't that exactly what the Joker wants?"
"Yeah, but at least my world would have a lot more smiles," retorted Joker.
"Batman…you won't be able to defeat all of us…" hissed Superman, flinching in pain. "The others will…avenge me…"
"I'm not going to kill you," retorted Batman, grabbing a pair of handcuffs and fastening them around his wrists. "I'm going to do what I do to all criminals and lunatics. I'm going to lock you up."
He removed the Kryptonite from his belt, and gestured for everyone to leave the cell. Then he slammed the door, locking and placing the Kryptonite above it, so that it emanated into the cell, depriving Superman of his powers without hurting him too much.
"Thanks, buddy," said Joker to his lobotomized self. "But you should probably clear out if you don't wanna get hurt. The rest of the Justice Losers will be here any moment, and there's gonna be quite a battle."
"I know which side I wanna be on then!" laughed lobotomized Joker. "The fun side!"
"Puddin'? Do you remember me?" asked Harley, approaching him tentatively.
He took her hand, studying her. "I remember telling you not to call me that," he said at last, smiling. "Harley."
She beamed, leaning forward to kiss him, but was interrupted by a hole being blown in the ceiling as the remaining Justice Lords – Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl, and Martian Manhunter, descended into Arkham.
"Batman, how could you?" asked Wonder Woman.
"How could I do the right thing?" he demanded. "Very easily. Look inside your conscience, Diana, and you might too."
"I warned Superman that your mind was too unstable for this work," murmured Martian Manhunter. "If you are not with us in this, Batman, you are against us."
"Then I'm against you," retorted Batman.
Martian Manhunter nodded. "So be it," he said.
Batman threw a punch at him, while the others rushed to engage with the other members. Harley took Wonder Woman, while Joker took Green Lantern, leaving Tetch and Crane with Hawkgirl. Which was a bit problematic for both of them, firstly since their physical abilities left a lot to be desired, and secondly because they were both restrained by their own personal codes of chivalry.
"What the hell are you nerds doing?" shouted Joker, as he saw them cowering behind a table while Hawkgirl swooped down, nearly hitting them with her mace.
"I'm sorry, it's just…not right to hit a woman!" stammered Tetch. "Not at all gentlemanly!"
"Oh, for Christ's sake!" shouted Joker, leaping out of the way of Green Lantern's laser ring. "I think when a woman is attacking you with a big honking mace, all bets are off!"
"He's right," agreed Crane. "It's self-defense."
Tetch sighed. "I'm going to feel awful about this," he muttered, reaching into his jacket. He pulled out a modified taser and shot several hundred volts into Hawkgirl, who screamed and fell to the ground, unconscious and smoking.
"I'm so terribly sorry," he said sincerely, sheathing the weapon.
"Shayera!" cried Green Lantern, flying toward her. He cradled her in his arms, and then cried out in pain as Joker struck him across the back of the head with a crowbar.
"I knew there was something going on between you two!" giggled Joker, smiling at him and pointing to Hawkgirl. "Which is sweet, in a way – you can have massive blunt force trauma together!" he cried, hitting him again in the face. Green Lantern fell to the ground, and Joker continued beating him until he was still.
"Let nobody say I'm not a romantic," he sighed, twirling the bloody crowbar. "And speaking of which, where is that Harley?"
He turned to see her in a fight with Wonder Woman, leaping out of the way of her punches. "Oooh, I do love a little girl on girl!" he giggled, hurrying over to join in the fight. He was distracted by Batman falling to the ground suddenly, which instantly changed his plans.
"You are foolish," hissed Martian Manhunter. "To side with a bunch of lunatics."
"I have a habit of doing that," growled Batman, glaring up at him.
Martian Manhunter raised his fist, when he suddenly shrank back, holding his face over his hands. "No!" he hissed. "No, not that!"
Batman looked to see Joker holding a cigarette lighter in front of him, and putting it to the cigar in his mouth. "I know what you're gonna say, Bats!" he giggled, as Martian Manhunter backed away from the flame. "Thank you for smoking! Well, I aim to please!" he giggled, lighting another cigar and throwing it at Martian Manhunter. It exploded, sending him crashing to the ground.
"Thanks," muttered Batman, standing up and looking around.
The fight with Wonder Woman had escalated, but she had already tied up Crane and Tetch with her lasso, and it was clear Harley was weakening against her blows. Harley fell suddenly, and Wonder Woman was on top of her, grabbing her by the hair and forcing her face up. "If Superman can't do this, I will," she hissed, as the jewel in her tiara began to glow.
"Diana, don't!" cried Batman, racing forward. But he was too late.
A laser shot out of Wonder Woman's tiara, heading straight for Harley's forehead…but it was stopped by lobotomized Joker throwing himself in front of her, and letting the laser hit his own forehead.
"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, as he fell down, unconscious. Batman reached Wonder Woman, grabbing her arms and binding her gauntlets together, rendering her abilities useless. She glared up at him.
"We did what needed to be done," she muttered. "That was all."
"Not anymore," retorted Batman. "The security in Arkham is a lot better than it was, thanks to you. So let me show you to your cell," he said, dragging her off.
"Mr. J!" gasped Harley, cradling lobotomized Joker's body and shaking it gently. "Mr. J, c'mon, puddin'! Please…please don't leave me!"
He didn't respond. "No!" she whispered, beginning to cry. "No, puddin', please! You can't die for me! Not like this…it…it can't be this way! I was supposed to die for you, that was how it was supposed to go! So I'd never have to miss you! You'd never be that noble, sacrificing yourself for me...it wouldn't be a funny joke or anything...you'd have no reason to...puddin', please!" she sobbed, burying herself in his chest. "Please come back! Oh, puddin'!"
She sobbed uncontrollably, and Joker was trying to think of a joke that might cheer her up, when lobotomized Joker's eyes suddenly opened. "Thought I told you not to call me that, you dumb blonde," he muttered.
"Puddin'?" gasped Harley, hopefully, raising her head. "You're alive?"
"Yeah, the laser hit me in the brain," he said, rubbing his forehead and the two holes there. "So it didn't do any damage. Can't break what's already broke!" he said, smiling at her.
"Oh, puddin'!" she cried, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him passionately.
Tetch came over to them, holding a scanner to Joker's head. "He's right," he said. "The laser hit the part of his brain that's already damaged. Though actually because of the nature of the lobotomy, it's possible that the damaged bit might be able to be reconstructed," he said, thoughtfully. "A traditional lobotomy removes pieces of the brain, making the damage irreversible. But Superman's laser vision has merely melted it, rearranging the pieces in a different pattern, hence why Joker was able to remember certain things."
"You mean you might be able to…fix him?" stammered Harley. "And Red and Harvey and everyone?"
"It's possible," agreed Tetch, nodding. "In fact, I think it very possible indeed."
Harley cried out in joy, embracing lobotomized Joker again. "Yes, fantastic news," muttered Crane, folding his arms across his chest and scowling.
Batman returned from locking up the rest of the Justice Lords. "Good news, Bats!" exclaimed Joker, smiling at him. "It looks like you're still gonna have me to tango with in this universe after all! Tetchy thinks he can fix me!"
"Oh, that's…great," said Batman, unenthusiastically.
"Aw, don't pretend you ain't excited!" chuckled Joker, clapping him on the back. "You've missed our little games, haven't you? Don't deny it. You get bored without me around, admit it."
Batman didn't admit anything, and his face betrayed no expression. "I'm going to start fixing things," he muttered. "Get the police force and the government working again. I'm gonna need help to protect this city if you're coming back, after all," he muttered, storming off.
"That's just his way of saying thanks, Mr. J," said Harley, smiling at him. "I know I can never thank you enough," she said, standing up and taking his hand. "You're my hero in every universe, puddin'. Bringing me and my Mr. J together again, and saving the world from the Justice Lords…"
"All in a day's work, pooh!" chuckled Joker, patting her on the head. "Whenever tyranny and order reign, whenever peace and boredom crush people down, whenever there's unsmiling faces and frowns, the Joker will always be there to put a smile back on those faces and leave 'em laughing…"
There was a flash of light and suddenly he opened his eyes in Tetch's cell in Arkham again. "Hey, what gives?!" he demanded, rounding on him as he removed the alternate reality simulator hat. "I didn't get to finish my big speech!"
"Harley's coming," snapped Tetch. "And I am not dealing with her anger at you abandoning her!"
"Here's your joy buzzer, Mr. J!" said Harley, skipping into the room. Joker realized that only about five minutes must have actually passed in reality, even though he'd been in the alternate universe a long time. "Now where are we going on vacation?"
Joker studied her and smiled. "You know what, pooh? On second thought, I've changed my mind about going on vacation. Why don't we stay at home and have a quiet, relaxing time with just the two of us?"
"Really, Mr. J?" asked Harley, surprised. "But you seemed so excited to get outta here and have an adventure…"
"Aw, pooh bear, the only adventure I need is right here," he said, taking her in his arms.
"Oh, puddin'!" she sighed, kissing him. "I love you!"
"Now come, my dear," he said, leading her out of Tetch's cell. "I've got a great idea for a little game we can play to relax, just the two of us."
"Oh, puddin'!" giggled Harley. "You naughty boy! I can't wait to see…"
She paused when they entered his cell and he held up a box. "Candyland!" he exclaimed. "What color do you wanna be?"
Harley sighed. This wasn't what she had been hoping for, but she looked at the Joker's smiling face and couldn't refuse him anything. "Red," she said, sitting down.
"Ok. You set it up – I'll be right back," he said, leaving his cell again.
Harley obeyed. She suddenly heard a crash, and then Tetch crying, "No, for the love of Carroll! Why couldn't you just leave one unbroken?!"
"Everything ok, puddin'?" she asked as he re-entered the cell, dusting his hands off and wiping away the broken remains of the alternate reality simulator.
"Yep, Harl," he said, kissing the top of her head. "This world's never been better."
The End