Whew! The Evil Stick spent all week installing new hardwood floors in the master bedroom. It's normally a one day job, but don't judge.
Much love to Hiro Mashima for his unmatched ability of character creation. Without him, I wouldn't have such awesome characters for my fake story.
The Diagnosis
Lucy stood in the doorway of the Blue Pegasus guild with her knees quaking in fright "Are you sure that it's not contagious?"
"That's what Doranbolt said the Council's Health Department concluded." Grey took in the sight while keeping his fear under control.
"Gross!" Natsu wrapped his white scarf around his face so it covered his nose "Has the guild always smelled this bad before?! Jeez… you guys smell like dying piss and vomit."
"That's not very nice Natsu" Happy floated close to head so as not to walk on the carpet.
*SQUISH* "Ew! This carpet is soaked with blood and vomit" Lucy shivered.
Carla floated down the main hall, "I'm going to find Wendy."
It didn't take long for the group to find Erza. As soon as she saw them approach, she didn't even bother with greetings "Natsu! Happy! You're on sanitation duty! Get these carpets and dirty cots out of here and burn them."
"Aye!" They started pushing people off of the carpet to roll it up.
"Grey! You're on temperature duty! We ran out of ice packs about an hour ago so it's your job to keep ice on everyone's foreheads!"
"I'm on it" he walked away to the first patient who looked like their fever was out of control.
"Lucy! We need to keep these people clean otherwise their open sores will get infected!" Erza tossed her some hospital gowns.
"Uh… aren't these sores already a symptom of infection?" Lucy's stomach turned at the thought of changing the guild members out of their blood, puss, and urine stained clothing.
A dark aura began to emit from Erza, "Our patients need to be clean and dry!"
"R-right! Anything else, Er-Erza?" Lucy's face was flushed red from knowing that she will see every member of Blue Pegasus naked.
"Yes. The sponges and water bins are located by the sink behind the bar." Erza continued to monitor the vitals of the woman in front of her.
"WHAT?!" Before Lucy could protest, there was a bright flash of golden light.
"I will assist with the sponge baths." Virgo held up a sponge in each hand. "Unless you wish to punish me, Princess?"
Erza nodded "Thank you, Virgo. Impeccable timing as always. We can start with this patient."
Lucy watched as Virgo wet the sponge and started bathing the older fat woman that laid in front of Erza. She wasn't wearing a shirt so her large, sagging breasts were exposed. Bruises, deep scratch marks, stretch marks, a hairy navel, and smaller sores were revealed as Virgo wiped the blood and puss from her stomach area.
"Lucy! I thought you fought along side your spirits and didn't hide behind them?" Erza frowned at her. "Aren't you going to help…?"
"Um, yeah…" Lucy wet her sponge. She wiped the folds between the creases on the woman's neck and wiped under her doubled chin. She then removed the woman's earrings and cleaned her ears before replacing the earrings.
"Make sure you get every little nook and cranny," Erza pointed at the breasts.
Lucy shivered before she lifted the large, squishy breast and wiped the crusted puss from underneath the old woman's breast. She then applied ointment to the sores and lowered the breast back into place. Then she started washing the upper chest and noticed that the old woman's skin was hard to clean because of the dried blood stuck in the chest hair.
"Uh…Erza? How do I get all the blood out of this lady's chest hair?" Lucy's face was red at the question.
"Lady?" Erza stopped bandaging the legs and gave a puzzled look "You mean Master Bob?"
"…" Lucy studied the swollen face that was smeared with dried blood and covered in oozing sores. "I… I just… fondled… Master Bob…?"
"Yes, this is Master Bob." Erza went back to bandaging.
*RETCH* Lucy couldn't hold back the bile anymore. *SPLATTER*
"Princess! We're supposed to be cleaning, not throwing up all over the floors!"
Elsewhere in Blue Pegasus:
Carla floated through the hallways of the guild searching for Wendy. She had to use her Mach Speed ability to get past the flirting Trimens that were lurking in the hallways. What human tries to get an exceed into their bedroom, anyways?
She slowed when she turned a corner and saw Jenny walking "Excuse me, Miss? Have you seen Wendy?"
Jenny stopped and smiled at Carla "Yes, she's the young dragon slayer that saved us. She ran out of magic energy right after she finished healing me. That handsome council member took her to the guest bedroom to rest."
"Wha-?" A million horrible images went through Carla's mind "Where is the guest bedroom?!"
Jenny blinked "It's in the west wing…"
"Thank you!" Carla sped off toward the west wing.
Hibiki, Ren, and Eve came running around the corner covered in bandages, "Hey Jenny! Did you see that pretty white cat come this way?"
Jenny put her hand on her hip "No, I haven't."
Ren and Eve looked defeated as they sadly walked away.
Hibiki smiled politely "You look very beautiful today, Jenny."
Jenny smirked. She will make him forget all about that Sky Dragon's cat.
Back in Magnolia:
"RAHAHAHA!" Bixlow ran through the streets of Magnolia without his mask so everyone could see his bruised and scratched up face.
"Itchy! Itchy! Itchy! Burn! Burn!" his babies followed him while blowing up random objects along the streets.
After Bixlow's lunch date, he returned to the guild still scratching himself feverishly, but this time it was all over his body. Master Makarov ordered Macao and Wacaba to remove his mask and his bruised face was revealed. Just as Freed was about to quarantine him within his runes, Bixlow rode his dolls out of the guild which prompted the dangerous manhunt through the streets of Magnolia.
Lily monitored Bixlow from above "The council was obviously wrong about this disease not being contagious. And it's only been 4 hours since he got back from Blue Pegasus."
"Hit him with your iron fist, Gajeel!" Lisanna flapped her wings to steady herself in the air.
"This is ridiculous!" Gajeel bellowed from the rooftop that he was perched on. "I wouldn't touch that diseased freak with a 50 foot metal pole!"
Elfman yelled from below, "That's a man who has clearly lost his mind!"
Laxus landed on the rooftop next to Gajeel, "He hasn't lost his mind yet. This is just typical Bixlow being an asshole."
"Laxus is right, as always." Freed landed on the rooftop behind Laxus. "Bixlow is just having some fun. Ever usually deals with him when he gets like this."
"The party's over, Bix. Time to pick up the trash." Evergreen lazily glided above him. "Fairy Bomb!"
"NOOOOO!" Bixlow yelled from inside the dust and smoke. "Just kidding, Ever! You missed!" He peeked his head from out of the hole in the ground with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
"I didn't miss. I meant to catch you in that hole." She lowered her glasses and looked straight into his eyes just as he was peeking out of the hole. His body froze with that wide grin and his tongue hanging out.
"Good job, Ever!" Elfman used his beast arm to pull the stone statue out of the hole.
Laki, the wood-make mage finally caught up to help, "Wood Make: Wagon!"
Elfman placed Bixlow on the wagon and started pulling it. "Lets get him back to the guild."
In the hall of Blue Pegasus:
"I don't know about this, Mr. Doranbolt. I'm still tired and I've never tried this before" Wendy's small innocent voice rang down the hallway.
"I promise it will be good. It will make you feel better and you will recover your energy faster" Doranbolt cooed softly to Wendy.
"Well, okay then" Wendy gave in.
Carla froze mid-air. She couldn't believe what she just heard, but she couldn't figure out which door was the guest bedroom. She started wiggling door knobs, but most were locked.
"Ow!"
"Are you okay? How is it?"
"Mmm…you're right. It's good."
Carla found the door where the voices were coming from and she kicked the door open. "GET AWAY FROM HER, PEDOPHILE!"
Wendy and Doranbolt looked dumbfounded as they sat across from each other at a dining table with bowls of steaming hot soup in front of them.
"Is your cat always this rude?" Doranbolt crossed his arms over his chest.
Wendy's face was bright red "Carla…the door was open, you didn't have to break it. And do you really think I would do that?"
Carla lowered her head in shame. She had never felt this embarrassed before.
Blue Pegasus main hall:
"Thank you, Virgo. It only took a few hours, but we managed to change everyone." Lucy plopped down on a bar seat next to a fully naked Gray.
"You're welcome, Princess. Call me if you need me again." Virgo nodded and disappeared.
"Gray, you should at least put some underwear on before sitting there…" Lucy rolled her eyes.
"Erza!" Wendy waved as she run into the main hall with Carla. "We have a call from Master!"
Doranbolt carried the communications lacrama with an image of Makarov staring back at them.
"Children! I'll get right to the point. Bixlow began to show symptoms of the Blue Pegasus disease so we captured him and quarantined him here in the guild. This could only mean that the disease is actually contagious and it can spread to the general population." Makarov sighed before continuing "Freed has a hypothesis of how the disease is spread."
Freed's image appeared on the communications lacrama, "I believe I have figured out the nature of the disease. While we were rounding up the members of Blue Pegasus, Bixlow snuck away and had sex one of the female members. Now he is the only one that is showing symptoms."
Wendy gasped "That means…the disease is transmitted through sexual contact…"
"What does that mean?" Natsu scratched his head.
"Dumbass! It means the disease is an STD!" Gray scrambled to put some underwear on.
Okay, The Evil Stick must admit that maybe the detailed sponge bath went a little too far. But to be fair, a clear warning was posted in the summary.
BTW, the profanity filter has been turned off for reviews so if you wish to fully express yourself over the nightmares that you will undoubtedly be having then feel free to flame in the review!