Chapter 18:
Messed Up:
"Are you all right?" Severus asked quietly when Harry walked over to sit down a moment and rest his legs. He nodded and closed his eyes, his head lulling back for a moment, letting the cool water soothe his parched throat. He had been talking non-stop for an hour already and he hadn't even made a dent in what he wanted to cover in this conference. He had a long way yet to go.
"Yeah," he answered, opening his eyes and looking at his lover. "I'm fine. I'll be glad when all this is over." He sighed, knowing he couldn't show any real feeling for the man yet, at least not until he had told them everything. They just wouldn't understand otherwise. After a few moments of silence, he rose to his feet once more and headed back to the podium, followed by Severus, who stood off to the side.
"Sorry about that," Harry said after amplifying his voice once more. "Now, where was I? Ah, yes, my third year...Well, it was at the start of my third year when my Muggle relatives invited my uncle Vernon's sister to visit. That was also when I ran away. I lost control of my magic when I became angry at all the horrible things the woman was saying about my parents, and although I had no way to prove her wrong, I knew in my heart that what she was saying wasn't true."
"I didn't know at the time that there was a supposed 'killer' on the loose or that this killer was believed to be coming after me, when I left the Dursleys' house. All I knew was that I had to get out of there. I caught the Knight Bus by accident, not really knowing how to make it appear or that it even existed, I tripped and fell and it nearly ran me over. It was on the Knight Bus that I first heard the name, Sirius Black."
"I went to The Leaky Cauldron and met with Minister Fudge, who assured me that everything would be taken care of in regards to my violation of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery. Later, I heard the name again when I met up with the Weasleys. It was against the Ministry's wishes, but Mister Weasley told me about Sirius. He thought it best that I be prepared."
"I have to say that was one confusing year. I found out that because of all the horror in my life, the Dementors, which the Ministry sent to search for Sirius, could cause me to pass out. It was because of this that Remus Lupin, our new Defence teacher that year, taught me the Patronus Charm."
Harry paused, taking a drink before continuing, and hoped once again that this would be over soon.
"Now, using an Invisibility Cloak that was handed down to me by my dad, I snuck into Hogsmeade that year and overheard a conversation between Minister Fudge, Madame Rosmerta, and Minerva McGonagall. I know that by revealing all of this now, I will probably hear from them later on, but I am glad that I found out about this. You see, Ron had a rat that he called Scabbers; the same rat that I spoke of earlier. It was in our third year that we found out that Scabbers was really Peter Pettigrew."
"Fred, George," Harry called out to the crowd. "I'm really sorry I gotta blow this for you, but it's needed for everyone to understand what I am talking about." Harry smiled when he apparently received a sign of understanding before he continued. He sighed, lowering his head to collect his thoughts and felt Severus shift closer to him. He glanced up and nodded at the questioning gaze that others were unable to recognize in the man's stoic features.
"All right," Harry said, turning back to the crowd. "One thing I have to tell you, I have to backtrack for once again, and that is the existence of a magical device made by four friends for the purpose of mischief."
He heard someone shift in a chair behind him and could only guess that it was Remus, though he ignored him and continued. "That device was called The Marauder's Map, and when activated, revealed that it was created by Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. These were the original Marauders. The main purpose behind its creation was use in sneaking about the castle and showed exactly where everyone was, making it possible to avoid trouble. For those of you who don't know, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs were Animagi, and were unregistered. Wormtail was a rat, Padfoot was a dog, and Prongs was a stag. Moony however, was not an Animagus, but a werewolf for which precautions were made, making it possible for him to study here at Hogwarts."
"In my third year, I obtained this map from Fred and George Weasley, who knew I was trying to sneak into Hogsmeade. I'm not quite sure how they figured out how to activate and deactivate it, but I am glad they did, for it saved me from many detentions." Harry smiled and there was a collective laugh from the crowd.
"One night while wandering the castle however, I forgot my Invisibility Cloak. It was on this night, that I saw Peter Pettigrew's name appear on the map. By this time, I had already over heard the conversation in Hogsmeade and believed that Pettigrew was dead. I had been up late, watching the map for signs of Black, still believing that he was the one after me. So, it is understandable in my haste that I would forget to conceal myself."
"Severus was out on his watch, patrolling the corridors that night since everyone was on alert, Black had already entered the castle once, after all. I was sure I was going to receive a horrid detention when Remus appeared, effectively getting me out of it." He smirked toward Severus and received a scowl in return, knowing he would hear about that later.
"Remus didn't let me off the hook entirely though, he chewed me out pretty good and sent me back to my dorm after taking the map. He took what I said to heart though, and studied the map, always on the look out for Pettigrew. Then, on June 6th, everything came to a boiling point. This is where it becomes harder to explain, so I won't go into details. I will say however, that Black, though not found innocent by the Ministry, was discovered to be innocent by myself, Severus, although he was informed later," Harry said with another smirk. "After returning to consciousness, Remus, Ron and Hermione, as well as Dumbledore. It was then, that Hermione and I, with Albus' permission, assisted Sirius in escaping the Dementors."
Harry smiled slightly. "I'm sure you all remember the events of my fourth year, since that was the year I was thrown into the Triwizard Tournament, and I use the term, 'thrown in', because that isexactly what happened. No matter what you all think, I did not coerce anyone, nor bewitch anything, to have my name placed in the Goblet of Fire. What is important here is that although I appeared to be doing everything on my own, I had help. Help in the form of Mad-Eye Moody."
There was a gasp from the crowd and Harry raised his hands for silence.
"I am not speaking of the man seated among you. Dumbledore, Severus and I discovered that the man we thought was Alastor Moody was in fact, an impostor. That year was also when Mister Crouch vanished. Unfortunately, his fate and whereabouts are still a mystery, although it was then that Professor Dumbledore, Professor Snape, and I learned that his son, Barty Crouch Jr. was the culprit behind the real Mad Eye Moody's disappearance. That year also sparked doubt when I exited the maze used for the final task with Cedric Diggory, who was killed by Voldemort when he appeared with me in the graveyard."
"You see, the man that I believed was Alastor Moody had been helping me, even training me for my confrontation with Voldemort. I do not think anyone expected that I would survive. Voldemort used the trophy as a portkey to the graveyard where his father's grave was located, because he needed 'the bone of his father', and 'the blood of an enemy' as part of the potion he was using in order to make a body. What better enemy than one he could not touch? Using my blood to resurrect himself in physical form allowed him to touch me."
"I was able to escape after duelling him, when our wands, which contained the same core, reacted to each other and backfired on him. I couldn't likely return without Cedric, because everyone would wonder what had happened, so I grabbed hold of him as I grabbed the portkey once more. I reported what happened to Dumbledore, and he sent Severus back to confirm it, saying that he was unable to appear before hand when Voldemort summoned the Death Eaters through the Dark Mark without blowing his cover."
"Fudge then determined that Dumbledore was out to take over his position at the Ministry, which I would like to point out, Albus didn't want, since I heard that he had been offered the position before, but turned it down; and that I was a liar, only seeking attention. He held control over all of The Daily Prophet 'news' reports." Harry rolled his eyes at this.
"It was later found, that Fudge and Umbridge had been working together in an attempt to have me expelled at the beginning of my fifth year for 'violation of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery'. They claimed that I was in violation 'under paragraph C: knowingly, deliberately, in full awareness of illegality, to do magic in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle'."
"Albus came to my defence, saying that I was within my rights 'under clause 7: magic may be used before Muggles in exceptional circumstances, which include situations that include the life of the wizard or witch himself, or witches, wizards, or Muggles present'."
"After that loss, they decided to change their tactics to slander. It was not until the end of the year, as you may recall; that Fudge saw Voldemort within the Ministry itself. That year, I was also given another scar."
Harry paused, and waved a hand over his right forearm so that the scar was clearly visible, and the words were clearly legible before holding it aloft for all to see. "This is what Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister, both in my fifth and sixth years, left me with!" Harry shouted and the crowd gasped as they read the words carved into his flesh.
"For those of you that are too far back to see, it says: 'I will not tell lies, confide, dream, deny, desire, resist, worship, envy, endure, suffer, admit, trust, surrender, fall in love'. I was forced to do this to myself by Dolores Umbridge when I received detention in her classes for telling the truth about Voldemort and Quirrell, as well as defending Albus Dumbledore."
"It was only after these detentions that Fudge saw with his own eyes that Dumbledore and I were telling the truth, although the mess had already been created. Still, I did not trust Severus although it was because of his quick thinking that year, that he gave Umbridge a phoney batch of Veritaserum and my friends and I were able to escape her and herInquisitorial squad. One of whose members was none other than Draco Malfoy."
"It was a mistake on my part to put not only myself, but my friends in danger and I readily admit that, but at the time, I was worried about Sirius. At that time, I was having dreams that Voldemort had captured him and was holding him in the Ministry. If I had waited, if I had trusted in Severus that year, I would not have put my friends in danger; Sirius would be alive today and hopefully a free man. Yet, now I know that this would also have prevented Voldemort's defeat as well, since Severus was not only enemies with James, but Sirius by association."
"The trust I have in Severus only came into being in the beginning of my sixth year. He agreed to teach me Occlumancy once more. He had been teaching me over my fifth year, but I found something in his past through a Pensieve that he had not wished me to see. I broke what little trust he had in me and it took the better part of a year to get back. It is this year, my sixth year, that is important," Harry said and turned to Severus, who nodded curtly.
"You see," Harry said, turning to face the crowd once more. "I was able to stand against Voldemort because of my mother's magic; it was her love for me that allowed the magic to hold. However, as the prophecy Sibyll foretold, I would have a power that the Dark Lord knew not. The truth is I didn't have that power until my sixth and seventh years. It was Severus who made Voldemort's defeat truly possible, for he was the one who gave me the power the prophecy spoke of."
A murmur of awe and curiosity coursed through the crowd at this statement, but once more, Harry paused, silently removing the spell amplifying his voice and turned to sit and rest once again, quenching his parched throat.
"Are you doing all right?" Severus asked sitting down beside the young wizard. Harry nodded and closed his eyes briefly, once more allowing his head to lull back as he relaxed.
"It's almost over," he answered softly. "It's finally almost over." Harry sighed and hunched over so that his head was almost between his knees. Remus and the faculty up on the platform were the only ones to notice Harry's slightly trembling form. Severus yearned to take his lover in his arms and comfort him, but they both knew that was impossible until everything was over. Harry wiped his eyes and sat up, exhaling heavily before standing once more and heading back to the podium. The end of his tale was in sight now, and he wanted to see it through.
"Now," Harry said after casting the Sonorus charm once more. "I will tell you of the important events of my last two years, and what happened in the final battle. As I said, Severus played a key part and that part was providing me with the weapon I needed to defeat Voldemort. I can already guess that you are wondering exactly what that weapon was, and why he didn't implement it himself if he had it."
There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd, but Harry silenced it quickly by raising his hands once more.
"Please," he said. "Believe it or not, this is the hardest part for me to get through. I ask that you remain silent while I finish this, I have nearly completed what I wished to cover here today, and would like to make it through this if possible."
Harry waited until silence met him before he continued.
"I may not have shown it over the years, nor did he, and both for various reasons, but I tell you today, that I am in love with the man at my side," he said, looking to Severus. "It is true that he played a role in my parents' death, and some would ask how I can even be around him, but the truth is, if it wasn't for him, I would be dead right now, as well as many of you. And it is for these reasons that I for one am glad that my parents died, because without their sacrifice, the prophecy would never have been fulfilled."
"I know that many of you would say that I was coerced, but I assure you I went to him willingly. We shared time together in my sixth year, both training for the war as well as learning about each other. One morning, I was feeling particularly depressed, weighed down by the expectations the Wizarding world had placed on me. Severus and I talked about it for a while and that morning, he gave me what I needed to defeat Voldemort… he gave me my daughter, Abbey."
"If it had not been for her, my love for her, and my parents sacrifice allowing Severus and I to be together, Voldemort would still be alive today. I do not believe that Voldemort would have been defeated if my parents had survived because Severus and my father were bitter rivals since their own days here at Hogwarts. It is for this reason that I stand in Severus' defence. If anyone stands against him," Harry said and turned to glance behind him to where Remus sat, before turning to the crowd once more. "They will have to go through me."
"I did not always have faith in Severus in my sixth year, or even those since, like I should have. As you all probably remember, I testified against him. Things became rather hectic in my sixth year, more so than they were in my third, but I will do my best to explain." Harry sighed and shifted his weight, lowering his head for a moment as he once again gathered his thoughts.
"Draco Malfoy weaved a web of deceit that year, stronger than anything he had before. He had joined the Death Eaters over the summer and Voldemort gave him a mission, which I am sorry to say, I blamed Severus for being involved in. Draco was given the task of killing Albus Dumbledore."
"Draco returned to Hogwarts in my seventh year, claiming that he had been inducted against his will and that his parents had been used as bait. He also claimed to be a victim of the Imperius curse when he refused not only to join the Death Eaters, but also the task appointed to him. I should have seen through his lies given our history, but I didn't. He may or may not have sided with Voldemort after we duelled and I nearly killed him in our sixth year, I don't know. What I do know however, is that no matter where he sided, he always did what turned out in his favour."
"He found out in our seventh year, that Ron and Hermione turned their backs on me, and went out of his way to find out why. He claimed to be my friend and stood by me when I needed him, both during and after my pregnancy. He asked me to bond with him eventually, and I refused. I only agreed to marry him because I wanted a father figure for Abbey, and I was scared to death of raising her alone. It was not until recently, that I found that Draco preformed an illegal bonding. It was only because my magic was so much stronger than he anticipated that I was able to nullify the bond, however unconsciously."
"You have undoubtedly read of the Minister's arrest as well. I am still uncertain as to how he did it, but Draco was able to track me to St. Mungo's the day the Prophet reported that I had vanished. I was there to assist Severus. You see, because he bore the Mark, he is currently…" Harry paused and looked at Severus uncertainly, but Severus only nodded his assent. "That Severus is currently a Squib," he continued, turning back to the crowd. "It is because of research I did while pregnant with Abbey that I found that I could help him. By using both mine, and Abbey's blood, we would be able to filter out Severus' own magical signature. In doing this, a potion could be made to restore his magic over time."
"I realize that in doing so, I would be going against everything the Ministry stood for; that I would most likely be viewed as a criminal as well, but that was a risk I was willing to take for love. You see, even after testifying against him and feeling as though he betrayed me, I still loved him. Draco took advantage of my feelings and after the war; I willingly went into seclusion, wishing to avoid the public eye. Draco also used this to his advantage and reset the wards around the Manor, wards that once allowed Severus entrance, now denied him."
"I know this because Severus told me himself. If it weren't for my leaving the grounds, Severus and I would not be together today. Draco kept us – Severus, Abbey and I, apart for his own gain. I did not take Severus' word for it though, so he willingly showed me his memories of what happened from my sixth year. I have witnessed altered memories before, and this was not one of them. Never before had Severus shared his memories with me. Perhaps it is because he did not know if I was going to kill him or turn him in; I did hold him at wand point once I learned his identity, for he came to me in disguise; but whatever the reason, he shared them with me and also submitted them as evidence during his trial. The same trial in which Draco, the rogue Aurors and the Minister himself were found guilty of trying to falsely arrest me and take custody of my daughter."
Harry took a step back from the podium and Minerva stood. Harry shook his head and after a deep breath, beckoned Severus closer before turning to the crowd once more. "Now, you all know my story, but there is one more thing I wish to do." Severus looked at him curiously, though only Harry could detect the look in his eyes since his face remained as expressionless as always, and he smiled in return.
"After all of this, I am proud to have the titles of The-Boy-Who-Lived and The-Boy-Who-Defeated-Voldemort, but there is one title that I would be proud of above all others." He turned to Severus and smiled once more. "I love you, Severus," he said softly, though his voice still carried. "Would you do me the honour of being my husband?"
Severus stood rooted to the spot, stunned by the unexpected request. He had wanted it, desired to hear these words spoken from the man he loved, but not like this… He swallowed dryly, and with out a word, turned and fled back to the castle, leaving his stunned lover behind.
A/N: The text scarred into Harry's hand is used with permission of Ac1d6urn from LJ of from her artwork, Lessons Learned.