AN: I know this is a long time coming. I can only hope you don't hate me! The fact this story still gets visitors has astounded me. I have every intention of finishing it, which I feel may be soon.
She knew 'that' conversation was coming, there was nothing to be done to avoid it. But some clarity could be just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.
She was disturbed from her thoughts when a small arm draped itself over her abdomen.
"What are you doing Maur?"
"I'm hugging you dummy"
The smile was automatic as she wrapped the doctor up in her side. Her existential crisis would have to wait.
Jane was uncharacteristically up early the following morning. After all Angela would be by soon full of questions, worrying and just being herself. She had left Maura sleeping in as the previous day's events had finally taken their toll. She was frantically searching through her cupboards for something other than instant coffee.
She was shaken from her search by a soft knock at the door, reaching to open it she had never been so happy to see her mother. She spoke quietly through a small smile,
"I brought coffee, I figured you only had instant and you know-"
"How much Maura hates it." they said in unison.
"Come in Ma,"
The elder Rizzoli placed the coffee and subsequent breakfast on the side before she enveloped her daughter in a huge hug. For the first time in a while Jane relented and returned the gesture.
"I saw Maura's living room, I was so worried about you both. Frankie told me everything."
"I'm alright Ma, a few weeks behind a desk won't kill me. I mean I might lose my mind, but hey. Physically Maura's fine, but anything else? I don't know, its too early to tell."
Angela nodded knowingly while she began to unpack the food and plate it up. Jane was sipping her coffee when they turned at the sound of soft footsteps. Maura had padded into the kitchen still wrapped up in the detective's sweater, her arms clinging to each other. The restraint Angela was showing to not run and lift her into a classic Rizzoli bear hug was admirable.
"Morning sweetie, I brought you your regular breakfast order,"
"Thank you Angela, I was worried that Jane was going to give me instant again,"
"Look Ma, Maur here must be on the mend already." She sported a cheeky grin earning a small one from the doctor in return.
After Angela had finally satisfied herself that both of them were in no imminent danger she excused herself from Jane's apartment. Maura and Jane had not moved from the breakfast table. Either silently sipping coffee or moving food around their plates, neither spoke nor seemed to want to initiate conversation. Jane had either ignored or pretended not to notice the Doctor worrying her wrists, the bruising was becoming more apparent.
Maura allowed her lip to shake a little at the memory but nothing more. Pulling on the sleeves to bring the hem back to her palms she broke the silence.
"Jane," The brunette didn't look up. "Jane, we can't stay like this all day."
Without fully lifting her head she looked up through her lashes. "Oh I don't know Maura, I really do like my jammies."
"I meant in silence Jane," The small smirk had gone,
"I ah, kinda guessed as much."
"I really wish you would stop doing that Jane. Hiding behind your jokes and sarcasm. I, well, we have been through hell in the last 48 hours and you don't say a thing except to joke."
Jane put down her fork finally facing her. she wanted to argue but she had no defence.
"Its your go do coping mechanism, and I get it, really I do. But when something directly involves you, you're not using it to cope. You don't process, you hide."
This struck a nerve in the detective.
"Now you wait a damn minute Maura, just what are you trying to say here? That I'm some chicken shit who can't get her life in order?"
Maura stood pointing a shaky finger,
"That Jane, is exactly what I'm saying."
Jane's nose flared, her eyes dark with misplaced pent up anger. She would feel guilty later when she deflated, but that was later, this was now.
"You can tell everyone that you're tired, but I see it Jane. I see it because I feel it too. Tell me you don't care! You're excuses don't work with me. I might not be able to tell a lie but I can damn well see one. You will look at me with that weak smile that satisfies everyone else but I see through it Jane. And do you know why I don't call you out on all of this bullshit?"
Jane had rose during the tirade, eyes still masked with rage.
"I don't call you on it because I know, I KNOW that you'll just retreat back into that shell. Every time you do that you seem to think in some misguided way that you're 'saving us' from you. Do you know what really happens? Do you?"
"Somehow I get the feeling that you're going to tell me,"
"Perfect Jane, sarcasm. Have you been listening to a single word I've said? Its quite frankly amazing that I'm still here."
"What in my apartment? You know where the damn door is" She regretted it the moment it left her lips but she wouldn't show it in her face.
"In your life Jane!"
In that second Jane's arms fell, her mask of blinded rage ripped from her face. Her jaw gaped reaching for words. Perhaps it was better she was speechless, she knew she was on dangerous ground here. The only comforting thing she could grab onto was that as Maura began again her tone had relinquished the harsh tone that she admitted had wholly deserved.
"When you pull away, it hurts Jane. Its an indescribable pain. It feels like I can only be around you for the good times. You may not want me to see you at your worst Jane, but I don't think you understand what that does. It makes me ache Jane, so badly. I want nothing more than to be by your side in it all because that's where I'm supposed to be. I might not be able to take your pain away, but damn it I need to try."
Maura's chest heaved with the effort of her words.
"How could you possibly want that?" Jane's voice was weak, she felt it betrayed her.
"Because if whatever we have between us is to have any meaning at all, I have to be able to to at least try."
Maura stepped up to Jane, barely half a foot separating them.
"Try to what?"
Tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear, Maura locked eyes with Jane before continuing in earnest.
"To try and fix you."
Jane's eyes had become glassy mildly blurring her vision. She refused to close them in fear of letting a tear escape. Her wavering voice did nothing to help her.
"You, you think I'm broken?"
She bit her lip to stop it shaking as she stared at a spot above Maura's head. Reaching up Maura cupped Jane's face in her hand. Her thumb resting by her lower lip.
"No Jane. I don't think you're broken. Far from it. But you do,"
That was enough, the sob didn't escape, but the tears behind her eyes freely fell. Jane ducked her head into the small embrace as Maura drew her closer. The doctor felt shaking hands rest on her hips.
"Don't hide from me Jane." She had moved her arms around Jane's neck effectively pulling her head to her own.
"That night, the night of the storm. You, you were, you said something."
Maura knew immediately what Jane had been referring to,
"But so much shit just fell on us before we, before I could really address it. I know you can't lie Maur, but did you mean it?"
The golden haired head next to hers nodded.
"I hadn't really meant to shout at you though, then or after. I was angry at myself for even trying to compare. It's true there is only one Jane Rizzoli, I was an idiot to even think otherwise."
"Lets go for misguided, I won't let a genius like you call yourself an idiot."
Maura whispered into her ear, the warm breath made her shiver.
"You're deflecting again. Just ask me Jane." She pulled back looking into the darker eyes in front of her.
"If you were disappointed that they weren't, I mean, I, damnnit Maur." She sighed out deeply "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"
"I had an idea, but last night in the bath confirmed it."
"Wait, but why are we, I don't..."
"Jane, whats been said had to be said. I couldn't keep it in anymore, and I can't keep this to myself either, not one second longer."
And with that she released Jane from her turmoil. With a firm hand she directed the brunette's face to hers, she met glossy eyes briefly before closing hers. Breaching the infantismal space between them she captured quaking lips with her own, barely waiting for a response before deepening the kiss. The tighter grip at her back confirmed her hypothesis beyond reproach.