Chapter Thirteen - Pandemonium
What really sucks about living in a goddamn shed in the midst of some sort of post-apocalyptic world is the overbearing sense of confinement, it really does resemble to living in some sort of prison. And I should know, having lived in a commune for a very long time against my will.
How the hell did we end up this way, eh? Though it doesn't shock me in the least that we would end up destroying ourselves – even if I haven't conclusive evidence to support this hypothesis - I just know that we were responsible for whatever has gone down. I mean, all you have to do is look around – the world is intact and we are not. Somehow this superior race has managed to fuck up to such an extent that all that remains are splinters, which can be applied to both the living and the dead, I suppose, for both prove equally harmful to the fucking Earth.
"Going back on your word are we, Campbell?" I turn to look at Katie who stands there with her arms crossed. Great, seems I've managed to catch her in one of her happy moods.
"What?"
"'She needs space… let's give her time to rest.' Good job you're doing, bitch." I take a step forward to eliminate the space between us which Katie immediately reacts to, dropping her arms to size me up as she tries to appear taller in her ridiculously high heels.
"Hit a nerve, eh loner? Think you're all that don't you? We wouldn't be in this shitstorm if it wasn't for your stupid-"
"Katie, that's enough!" I'm so close to hitting her, morals be damned. I feel my hand twitch at my side as I maintain eye contact with Katie. I can feel my chest heave as I struggle to hold back this violence that's just dying to erupt. I'm in desperate need of executing some rage right now; I'm so upset I believe my body will explode if I don't. I watch as Freddie pulls Katie back, but she just pushes him away.
"What the fuck are you doing, Freddie? You know it's true. And now we have another sorry mouth to feed! I just- I don't wanna play this game anymore. I'm so tired of it. I just want to leave this bloody shed!"
"You're not the only fucking one, Katie. At least you have your sister, boyfriend and friends. At least your family didn't fucking abandon you. You have people. I have no one. So will you just fuck off and leave me alone before I do something I regret." The fists at my sides clench painfully as I look at Katie, and suddenly I realise that really, her outburst isn't about me. None of this is about me, it's about this situation, and how she sees me as a threat of endangering the only hope that they have; this shed. Even if it is crappy - it's the only set-up they've got.
"You know what, Katie; you don't have to worry, I'm gonna go. Whatever you do with Effy is your business. I really don't care anymore." I move to pick up my bag but a body intercepts me. I look up to see Emily standing there.
"You're not leaving."
"Like hell I'm not, Emily. I'm tired of this, all of this."
"You're upset, you're not thinking straight."
"What does it matter? I don't think anyone can think straight anymore, not in this world. What's one less person, eh? Like I actually matter?" I barely get the words out before she slaps me across the face, like entirely full on swing no holds barred. I feel my face turn with the force and I feel the burn, yet it's not the one I expect to feel on my cheek - it's the one that travels through my chest to grip at my heart. I really deserved that slap, didn't I?
I slowly turn my head back, trying to get past the shock to the system as I lock and unclench my jaw several times. I notice how dark her eyes are, and not with passion this time. It's so vivid and so very real, that the guilt immediately engulfs me. I try to reach out but she doesn't respond, just merely looks to me, but not quite at me.
"I'm sorry.." What a fucking whirlwind this has been. As I finally grasp the magnitude of what I was suggesting, I sense Emily take a step toward me. And even though she's smaller than me, she more than makes up for it with how intimidating she can be. She makes sure to keep eye contact as she spits rather bitterly.
"Prove it."
I just stand there for a moment, weighing my options and trying to think of ways I can redeem myself. It seems like I've pretty much caused havoc in every single bloody room. I divert my gaze from Emily, unable to take how stern she looks, especially when it's directed at me. Katie stands there with Freddie looking defeated, tired and so very much worn. I eventually bring my eyes up to rest hesitantly on Katie and nod my head slightly.
"I.. I'm sorry, okay? I know my arrival-"
"Don't. I was.." She pauses but continues when Freddie prompts her, placing his arm around her waist in a supportive manner.
"I was a bitch. I picked a fight, and it was easy to with you. I shouldn't have. I'm just sick of this place, ya know? This shed is well shit and you've been actually alright, aside from being hideous to look at."
"Katie."
"Yeah yeah, I know.. So yeah."
"Katie."
"Okay! I'm like, sorry, yeah?" I just watch for a moment in silent recognition before nodding my head only the once. It takes me longer to apologise, but I know I have to.
"I'm sorry too." I sigh and look to Emily, who even though looks less furious, still manages to discharge a heavy dose of displeasure. I hate it when those who I care most about are disappointed in me, it really drives me crazy. I bow my head and exhale yet again.
"Right.." I then make the slow walk to the girls' room, unable to even look at the door as I open it. I keep my eyes to the floor as I close the door behind me, feeling remorseful.
"Didn't expect to see you back so soon; she must have a pretty good leash on you then." I look up to Effy finally, who reveals nothing as per usual, or at least that's what she believes. She's deflecting, just like I do. I bow my head in shame once again, closing my eyes before inhaling and taking a moment. I then force my head up, my eyes opening to look at Effy, her smirk no longer there.
"I'm sorry."
"Wow, she really has done a number on you." I roll my eyes and walk into the room.
"Stop avoiding, Eff. Just stop, yeah?"
"You really like her." It's not even a question. I huff and plonk myself down onto the bed. She hasn't moved from her earlier position, still leaning against the headboard, her arm in the same position. As I analyse her, it's only then that I see faint tracks making their way down her face. I instantly raise my hand as the regret oozes from me in waves, but Effy shakes her head softly and bats me away with her free hand.
"Nothing to see, Campbell. I deserve everything I get."
"No you don't. I was selfish, I wasn't thinking-"
"You were- you are, because no matter how it's played, we did end up leaving you. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not." She lowers her gaze from me and I feel myself do the same. It hurts, but it's not as bad as before.
"Gina's not been the same since, you know? We all haven't." I look up to her, noting how she seems so solemn.
"Where are they? I mean, why did you leave?"
"You have to understand, I was being honest; I barely got out of the hospital, barely made it home. So many people just running around scared, screaming. The amount of blood.. and dead. It was fucked up, Naoms. It wasn't safe anywhere. Not until Cook said about some cabin his mum purchased somewhere on the outskirts of Bristol. So we left, got a car and drove there. Been there ever since." I take a moment to digest the information.
"Why were you in Bristol then, what were you doing in the city?"
"I just couldn't handle.. I just…. I was heading back to the hospital. Even though… I knew it was impossible, but I didn't want to believe it, you know?"
"What?"
"That you were one of them. Wanted to just find you, so I went back."
"You went back on your own? Eff?!"
"I know. I wasn't exactly thinking."
"When did you leave?" She turns her head from me and mumbles.
"How long?"
"It's been a couple days."
"Effy.."
"Five days."
"Christ."
"Yeah."
"Well.. What the fuck are we going to do?"
"You tell me, Sherlock." I narrow my eyes, hardly amused by her sarcasm.
"Either way, Naoms.. Cook will be out there looking for me." I raise my hands to my temples, trying to process everything and think of a solution. I lower them after a few tender touches and sigh.
"Well, we've got to get to this cabin then. Maybe he's there?"
"Maybe."
"It's worth a shot. And-"
"She'll be so happy when she finds out, Naomi." I look to Effy and nod slightly, feeling a little apprehensive. I've been so focused on hoping that they are alive and safe, and now that I know they are, I feel strangely conflicted. It's been made clear that they thought I was dead; therefore they didn't look for me, or believe me to be alive. That should be reason enough for me to let go of this loathing, but I still feel it course through me.
"But obviously we have a lot of making up to do." I don't reply to what Effy says, she knows what I'm thinking anyway, it's why she said it. After a beat, I find myself standing up.
"Right, I'm gonna tell the gang and we'll figure out a plan. You rest, for real this time, and then we'll head out once we're ready." I turn to leave but hear Effy move forward on the bed, a grunt follows. I look back to Effy and step forward.
"Effy, rest-"
"I am sorry."
"I know. I know, okay?"
"I mean it. If I knew-"
"Stop. We've found each other, okay? Everything is gonna be alright. We'll get through it. Now, lie down and bloody rest, will you?" I turn to leave again but before I do I notice something that might just bring some comfort to Effy. I pick up the stuffed animal from Panda's bed and place it softly on Effy's lap.
"Here, this is Randall the elephant… I know he's no Patto but he'll prove to be a real good companion if you allow him to be." I see the corner of her lips go up and I just know that we will be okay, we have to be. We're family. Her good hand slides over to Randall to hold him, pulling him closer to her form. I nod my head and walk out of the room, but not before hearing her soft 'thank you', which I choose to not acknowledge for it wasn't really meant to be heard.
I see Emily sitting on the sofa by herself and I can't help but mumble:
"Two down, one to go." And perhaps arguably the hardest one of all if I'm being entirely honest. It's never cool losing your shit, especially in front of a potential love interest. Who am I kidding, there's no potential about it - Emily and I are connected. I feel it, and I know she does too, for I sure as hell wouldn't have calmed down so quickly if it weren't for her, and well.. I know she would never have reacted so irately if she didn't care a hell of a lot for me. Whatever this may be, I know we're both in it now, and I can't be like I was before her. And I don't think she can be who she was before me either. We've both changed because of our situation. But I would like to think that we have kept alive the most essential parts of ourselves to relay to one another in this god forsaken world, because that's all that we have now.
As I approach Emily, it dawns on me how fragile humanity is now. I can't just run and bury my head, because if I do that, I will die. Thinking and acting that way will secure my death. I won't be able to exist in this world like that, like how I used to be. I have to be strong, work things out with my head screwed on and in a timely manner, otherwise it won't just me that suffers, but everyone else that I've welcomed into my life.
I've been fighting for my family and for these misfits for so long, that I didn't realise what I truly have until now - kinship. I have ties with my family and with this group. I'm a part of both worlds, and when I truly think about it, we're all misfits. And I can't place their lives in danger just because I'm being reckless or stubborn. But now, more than ever, I have to be watchful because I have someone in my life that I would really like to stick around.
"Plan to actually speak to me at some point, or are you just gonna stand there and deliberate until night fall?" I blink furiously, trying to understand what's going on as I reinstate my awareness back in the room. Must have zoned out once I reached the couch, how bloody embarrassing is that? I shuffle on my feet and glance at Emily, who though still looks considerably irked, does seem rather amused by this display.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna.." I tap the side of my head as my lip twitches, acting as though I'm about to lose focus again and return to my internal monologue. I feel Emily nudge me in the hip as I note the small smile that now graces her lips, of this I am fortunate to see. I sigh softly and kneel down before her, turning rather serious as I do.
"I am sorry."
"You can't just do that." And like that, an inopportune grimace replaces the beautiful smile.
"I know, it was stupid - I was stupid."
"Yes." She's not making this easy on me, I suppose I deserve it. No suppose about it, really. I know I do. I reach for her hand, and she allows me to hold it as I delicately trace my thumb over the skin.
"You were right, I was upset. And I said things I didn't mean, at least, not entirely. We all have these feelings from time to time, you know? Mine just got amplified, is all. I forgot about everything, and I shouldn't have. I should never.. Because when I think about it, I have a lot going for me, more so than I did before. So even though this stupid, painful and devastating thing has happened, it has, somehow, blessed me with the opportunity of meeting you. So, I'm sorry." My eyes watch Emily closely before settling on her hand, still creating rhythmic patterns on the back of her hand.
"I can't promise that I won't say stupid things again. Clearly I have a knack for it, but I promise I won't ever say or insinuate that again." I dare to steal a look at Emily, and watch as the emotions run through her face. I hate that I am the cause of such conflict, and it causes me to look away again, yet not once do I dare decrease my grip on her hand. She has to know that I'm not leaving, and that I do feel shame for my actions. After a long moment, she squeezes my hand and lifts my chin up with her free hand.
"You really don't know how much you mean to me, do you?" We just stare at each other for moment as she silently lowers her hand from my face, not really knowing what I can say as a response, until it just comes to me.
"If it's as close to how much I feel for you, then I have an idea." She leans forward and plants a small, gentle kiss on my cheek. She doesn't move back straight away as she decides to linger, muttering softly under her breath.
"More." I can feel my frame tremble a little as I tighten my grip on Emily's hand; she squeezes back just as firmly. She turns her head slowly so that her nose can touch my skin, and it's only slight, but it causes my eyes to close.
"So much more." I'm not in control, and I fear and long for this feeling. I turn my head towards her, taking care to be slow and tender, for this moment demands nothing short than being meticulous. I open my eyes and look at her, our faces so close, eyes staring at each other. I never knew I could feel this much for someone, and feel so strongly.
"Naoms." It's so charged; I feel the sparks, and it's generating so much warmth and tension. I need to feel her lips on mine so bad, but I don't dare breathe, let alone move. She raises her hand to stroke my cheek so affectionately, like she's trying to memorise each crease and line, as if willing to figure out how they came to even exist at all. I've seen her look at me like this once before, but this time it feels so much more, it carries a whole new level of importance of which I can't quite ascertain. We've slowly gotten to know each other; to know one another's ins and the outs, to witness each others highs and lows, to speak of interests and memories, and yet this just feels very different. It's so momentous and loaded with feeling, I don't want to blink in case I miss something.
"Naomi.." I exhale with feeling, so consumed by the way she calls my name. I've never put much thought into my name, but the way she says it, damn. I've never known anything like it. Her call is so intoxicating, coated with ardour and amity, it's like she's beckons for my soul.
"Emily?" I can see something shoot cross her face, but before she can answer me, I hear an exaggerated sigh.
"Will you two stop sucking face for five minutes, yeah? This is the lounge. We may not have TV, but that doesn't mean I wanna be watching you two go at it." Katie then flops herself down onto the sofa with a magazine of some sort, and I pull back entirely from Emily, forcing my legs to work. They feel particularly stiff as I stand up, which sucks as I bend them, trying to get the flow back. I look to Emily who moves back to the sofa, sitting on it properly, her face looking down at the floor, deep in thought. What the hell just happened? I was there, but I have no idea where she went. Maybe she just got caught up in all of this passion again? Though given the way she's unable to meet my eye, she's not exactly full of desire for me right now.
"We're okay, right?" I mutter to her, trying not to acquire the attention of Katie who seems to be invested in the expired celebrity gossip trash which is currently in her possession. She flicks through the pages as I look back to Emily, who is now looking to me, her face distinctly lighter.
"Yeah, we're good." It takes a moment, but the smile reaches her eyes. I smile back and lean forward, wanting to kiss her, but instead settling for peck on her forehead.
"I'm just gonna talk to Freddie-"
"He's speaking to Effy." I look to Katie who although interrupted me, maintains her vision on the magazine. My brows lower at this, but I shrug it off and decide to see what the deal is. I glance at Emily one last time as I leave, but she seems to be talking to Katie now.
I open the door and walk in, seeing Freddie standing near the bed, his arms folded over his chest as they stare at each other.
"What's going on here, eh?"
"Just came in to apologise. She doesn't speak much, does she?"
"I am present, you know?" I snort at Effy, but Freddie looks less than impressed, so I cough softly and walk further into the room.
"She doesn't like to waste words. Anyway, I'm sure she knows how sorry you are; it was an accident and she accepts your apology – don't you, Eff?" She doesn't do anything but look at Freddie, who seems to shrink under her stare. I cough again, this time with more zest, which forces Effy to look at me.
"Isn't that right, Effy?" After a pause, she simply nods and looks back to Freddie, who seems to have grown a bit since before. He stands higher and sighs under his breath.
"Good. I'm glad. If we're all gonna be living together-"
"Yeah, about that, Freds. We need to talk." I say, trying to get him out of the room so I can explain and give Effy some time to rest.
"You should explain now." I turn to Effy and frown at her suggestion.
"It's not that simple, and anyway, you need to rest."
"It is simple."
"Eff-"
"A group of us are living at a cabin. I walked off. I got shot. The end." I roll my eyes at this, but Effy merely shrugs, or at least she tries to before she groans in pain.
"Good thinking as always."
"Will you stop being pricky, Nai."
"Pricky? You're the pricky one."
"Girls." We both look to Freddie. The last thing we need is to be patronised, and it really pisses me off that he even has the audacity to label, let alone call us 'girls', I mean, seriously?
"Now you know. We have to go and see them."
"You're not leaving, Effy. You need to rest."
"Just because you keep telling me to, doesn't mean it's going to happen, Naoms. I can rest later, this can't wait." She gives me a pointed look and then darts her gaze to Freddie.
"I'm pretty sure that Cook will be happy to hear how Naomi's been shacking up in Freddie's shed now, don't you think?" Freddie's eyes widen rather comically, and it takes him several moments before he can even calm down enough to talk.
"So you do know me. Cook told you about me?" She nods, which bewilders me to no end.
"What the fuck? So he told you about Freddie and JJ, but not me?"
"It came up once or twice; he never went into much detail about it. He only told me when we left Bristol after all of this went down." It takes the edge off a bit, but I am still left with distaste in my mouth. I rub my eyes with the palm of my hand and try to swallow all of the angst that I feel brewing under the surface; all of this contempt I hold for my family, which I shouldn't be harvesting when all that matters is their safety.
"So what do you propose we do now?" I turn to look at Freddie who sighs and shrugs.
"I don't know. Where is this cabin exactly?"
"Just on the outskirts of Bristol, quite a long walk on foot, I should know." I glare at Effy and shake my head lightly, before I fold my arms over my chest.
"How big is this cabin anyway?" Effy looks between me and Freddie, and then settles on me, answering.
"Big enough to accommodate everyone here, though some will have to share." I look to Freddie who begins to shake his head.
"I'm not leaving here."
"I think you'll want to, Freddie." I look to Effy, sensing that something is amiss. I tilt my head as I note the small smile upon her face.
"You're not telling us something." She doesn't look away from Freddie, who just continues to look disgruntled.
"I don't care what you say, alright? We're fine here. And I.. I just can't leave, alright?"
"Yes, you can."
"Effy?" I look between them, feeling no longer a participant in this conversation as they speak over each other.
"No, I can't. I have to stay here."
"You really don't."
"Effy, what aren't you telling us?"
"You don't understand."
"Yes I do."
"No, you don't!"
"She's safe." It's what stops this bickering, and forces Freddie to look at Effy squarely. His arms fall limp to his sides as he processes what her words might mean. He doesn't dare speak, just stares at Effy who gives as good as she takes.
"She's with us. Both of them are." I frown, not quite following, until it strikes me what Freddie would risk staying for.
"Karen."