Hellooo. This is a quick update, and not my best, but oh well!
Just want to thank those that have read, reviewed, followed and favourited - especially to those that have reviewed this time, because I'm chuffed and beyond amazed by having not one but two very awesome writers comment on this little story. So yeah, thanks RosesAndSkulls, and mynameislizzie - you two rock. I'm sure everyone has read their stories by now, and if not, then what are you waiting for?
Also, Tiffythetitan rocks too - always the reviewer :D
Now on with the story!
Chapter Fifteen – My Mind Fog, My Heart Bomb
As I stare to the horde of walkers, I suddenly feel overcome with a particular train of thought – it comes sort of naturally to me during this incessant fright, to provide me with a sense of logic that cannot be refuted:
I must to get this minivan. I must so that everyone can safely leave Bristol.
I need to get this minivan so that Emily can safely leave Bristol. I need Emily.
Ugh, I've become so attached. So very attached to Emily, that I don't believe I can ever be separate again. It makes me contemplate the term 'whole', because we're born that way, and yet when we meet people, they expand the way we feel and alter the way we perceive things. And it's not invasive, nor does it stretch us. We just naturally grow, even though we're already whole. It's like realising that something exists out there that can make you feel complete in ways that you could never fulfill yourself.
I could have gladly lived my life having not met her; but now that I have, I don't believe I can return to a life where I now know she lives and not be connected with her in some way. But as I stand here, looking at the mass of bodies that swallow up this road, I know that I cannot be if she is not, so I have to make a choice for humanity, for my family; for her.
"Get to the minivan."
"Naomi.."
"Get it started. Don't wait for me, okay? You get that minivan, get everyone in it, and you drive."
"I'm not gonna leave without you; we'll wait for you."
"No Freddie."
"We can think it over, come back later when it's cleared."
"Just drive, Freddie. Get everyone out of here." I move off the pavement and into the road, looking straight ahead of me to the flock of walkers.
"Look after them, yeah? They're family. I.. Let them know."
"Naomi!"
"Hey! Over here you wankers! Yes, you dead twats, I'm speaking to you! You want a meal, huh? Come on! Come and get it! You bunch of fuckers." They all start to move down the road; I predict at least a dozen or so. They seem to move rather quickly, which has me jogging already.
"Now, Freddie! Go!" I make sure they follow me as I begin to run away, darting my eyes back to Freddie's form to watch him reach the minivan and climb in, safe from harm.
"Great thinking, Campbell. Really, sacrifice yourself in the moment because all you can think of is Emily. Smart, real smart." As I make it down the street, I notice more bodies promenading my way, forcing me to come to an immediate stop, as I glance down both congested directions.
"Christ." I backtrack slightly then and decide to move down an alleyway, seeing it as my only viable option. But as I go, I can already feel the burn begin in my legs as I start to breathe in sharp gasps. All it takes is one wrong move and I could be dead - but undead - like them. Swaying around with no live brain cells, eating things; decomposing things like bodies and animals.
It's grotesque. It haunts me, and forces me to run that much harder along the concrete as I try to get my bearings together in this sudden haze.
"Good thing I haven't been smoking, eh. Well, not as much as I used to." I roll my eyes at the paltry fact as I continue to run for my life, focusing on every step I take as I try to be positive and ignore the sounds closing in on me from behind.
But I can't help but wonder if it will hurt. I wonder how it will happen and if it will be quick. Knowing my luck, it won't be. Fuck.
I shake my head and force myself to concentrate once more; I can't afford to think this way, not when I'm still alive and moving. I swiftly pull my knife from the holster; thankful for remembering to attach it just before I left. I run with it as a form of protection and look around, lucid enough to examine the area in my current state of trepidation.
As I pass several back gardens, I notice a round black plastic bin lid and decide to pick it up, predicting it'll be a good use of cover as I continue down the long avenue. Eventually I exit the alleyway, aware of the dead trailing as I make a sharp corner - but what I didn't anticipate however, was coming into sudden contact with a walker.
Thankfully I see her before she acknowledges me, and so the bin lid is already raised by the time the woman lunges toward me, snapping her teeth. She scrapes helplessly against the plastic, yearning to touch me as I press forward, forcing her backwards, but she's relentless. So with little hesitancy, I plunge the knife directly into her head, taking care to do it swiftly. I then remove the knife from her head and turn on my heels, sensing I have little time to recover as I look back to the alleyway, already noticing some walkers emerging as I do. I drop the lid and run, my hand all the while wielding the knife for further defense – it's all that I have going for me.
"Don't panic, don't panic. Have to remain calm, have to think. Where can I go? Where.." It's then that I finally pick up on the sound of an engine not that far away in the otherwise silent area, which intensifies my momentum and makes me run in the direction of the vehicle, praying like hell it's the minivan.
"I won't be stupid again, I promise. I won't, I swear it. Please." I cling to this sound as I sprint down the road, feeling my body burn with anticipation: my life all the while, hanging in the balance. As I turn the corner to the street, I see the minivan once again, this time at the end with its orange complexion – and by god, if it's not the best vision I have ever seen.
But then I see her jumping into the minivan and my heart leaps.
"Pandora!" For a moment I think it's over. I'm suspended in time, my form in slow motion in the air as I run, knowing that my life could very well be done for and that I am the reason for it.
I had hope that maybe they would wait for me, that everything would be okay, and I swear for a fraction of a second I see movement come from inside the minivan to ignite belief that everything was going to be alright, but as quickly as the thought arises, I am similarly brought down to the ground, along with my senses.
I collapse, having not seen the walker at all.
I realise my knife must have fallen with me, for I am no longer holding it, but instead batting off the advances of the walker. He shuffles on the ground and manages to get on top of me, and suddenly there is no hope - his face hanging mere centimeters from mine with his mouth wide open with hunger, as I keep my mouth drawn closed of our fear.
I struggle, because it's all that I can do. I try to frantically look for my knife but it's in vain, I know it is. There really is no escaping this, and I can hear them coming now; this is my end.
And this end, it never really is what you expect it to be when it happens. There's no flashbacks, no memories that can provide you with one moment of comfort. There is nothing but this devastating, overriding feeling of it being extraordinarily unjust. How is this fair, that I am to be met with this end when I have only just to begin? This feeling of injustice just stains me, and as he snaps his teeth at me; his eyes hollow craters, I finally am awarded with one single image to conciliate my condition.
Emily.
I continue to fight him, and I really don't know how long for, but it feels eternal. I feel my mother's love and how lucky I am to have it: I am significantly overwhelmed with joy when I think of the family members that I have made before and after this apocalypse. And Emily..
If there is one thing I am fortunate for is that I did meet her, and I was finally able to experience a life that yes, was not expected but cherished all the same, regardless of the situation. Because when I think of what my life used to be, I can see where I have grown, and how I have expanded. I can feel it pump in my heart, this feeling. It fills me up, let's me know that I'm alive. That I can feel.
And when I actually think about it, I was always a loner, really. I observed things; people, and stars in utter solitude. I had been used to feeling desolate on this Earth, to feeling completely disconnected. But then she appeared, and she was content to just speak with me, to lie down next to me, to kiss me. And then this planet - this existence, did not nearly feel as empty as I once believed it to be.
She did that for me, she gave that to me.
Happiness.
I just wish that we may have stargazed at least once in our time together, if only to reinforce the fact that neither of us are truly alone.
As if a prayer has been answered, I feel the weight above me slacken, and it takes me a moment to digest what's happening. I adjust my eyes and look up to see Emily standing there, overhead like a saviour. She pulls the knife out of the man's head and he slumps down, to which I push him away from me. I slowly look to Emily, my eyes wide I am sure, but I haven't time to comprehend for Emily is already pulling me up with her hand and dragging me down to the minivan. It all happens so fast, that I only return to consciousness when I am inside the minivan and it is moving.
"She alright?" I open my eyes and realise that I am resting my head on someone's lap; a hand rests against my head, stroking my hair softly.
"She's crazy for doing that. She-"
"Please Katie, not right now." I feel the vibration as she speaks, and it immediately soothes me to know that she is alive and okay. I am further relieved when I know that it is Emily who is holding me, which I verify when I turn my head to look up, and am met with her troubled brown eyes. She ceases the movement of her hand and lets it rest on her lap.
"Saying stupid things I can handle, Naomi. But doing stupid things..."
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to help." She doesn't reply, just merely adverts her gaze to look straight ahead. I sigh inwardly and look around, trying to get a gist of what's going on. I can see that Freddie is behind the steering wheel, with Effy sitting next to him in the passenger's seat. I then look to my side to see Katie and then behind us in the back is JJ and Panda. I feel Emily's hand caress my head, urging me softly to rest it back down, to which I comply. She then proceeds to stroke my hair gently once again, but she doesn't look at me; if anything she seems to be avoiding me even though she's physically present.
I feel my lids begin to close as my eyes register Effy in the front seat, her eyes staring at me in the interior mirror. We watch each other for a moment, and I can detect the hurt in them. It's the last thing I remember as I pass out.
"You should tell her." I exhale deeply as my body wakes up from my slumber. I shift on the seat and notice that Emily is no longer holding me, which forces me to sit up abruptly, immediately feeling the loss of warmth. It looks to be late evening, so the sun must be beginning to set across the horizon, which in turn is creating this assortment of colour in the sky of which I stare at now. We seem to be surrounded by trees; copious amounts to the point that I believe I am drowning in a forest. I look around the minivan and notice I am alone, bar Effy who remains sitting in the front passenger's seat. She's still looking at me in the interior mirror; I don't think she stopped.
"Tell her."
"What?" I rub the sleep from my eyes and lean back against the seat, feeling particularly cold without Emily around. I look out of the window once again and notice the huge cabin, like an immense costly one that only the rich can afford.
"So Cook's mum is loaded, eh."
"Yep." We fall into silence again as I look back to Effy, resuming our staring competition from earlier. I can still identify the hurt behind her eyes, which prompts me to speak.
"Effy-"
"What were you thinking, Naoms?" I drop my eyes, knowing quite well what she's talking about. How can I tell her when I'm only just coming to understand it myself?
"I need a drink."
"We have Vodka, Jager-"
"Of water, Eff, water."
"Oh." We fall into silence yet again; it's a habit for us. Even though it's tense, there's an undercurrent of familiarity which makes it bearable.
"On second thoughts, maybe some Jagermeister will do me some good."
"Dutch courage is always good."
"For what?" She merely smiles her smile and looks away to the cabin.
"Gina's watching us." I follow Effy's gaze and notice mum standing at the window. It reminds me of so many times before when she's done that, always a broad smile on her face and a wave to accompany her action. Yet this time she stands there, looking sullen and apprehensive, her arms wrapped tightly around her midsection.
"She wanted to come out here, nearly did, had to persuade her to stay inside." I remain silent and eventually withdraw my eyes from the window.
"I know it's hard, Naomi. I know you feel like we abandoned you. You had no one, and you woke up to this world alone. But we're here now, and we're not going anywhere. And I am – we are – very sorry." I know she's not one for apologies, but she's been tossing them out so often that I can hardly believe it. I mean, she's still Effy, but she seems so much more connected with how she feels and with how she connects with people.
I suppose this world has changed us all, in some respects.
"I'm not sure if I can do it, not right now."
"It's okay. I understand. Gina.. She will too. We all will. And we'll all do what we can to make amends." She then gets out of the minivan, slamming the door shut behind her. She doesn't wait for me, just simply heads to the cabin and walks right in. It's then that I notice Cook standing there at the doorway, speaking to Effy. I sigh and remain in my seat, overwhelmed. I should be happy right now. I should be running inside and hugging them; content in the knowledge that my family are safe and with me. Instead, I linger in this stupid minivan, moping like a teenager.
A tap on the window brings me out of my reverie, and startles me to no end as I turn to see Emily standing outside, her eyes trained on me. We stare at each other for a moment until Emily decides to open the door, forcing a steady flow of cool air into the minivan as I shudder. I begrudgingly move along and then exit the vehicle, my eyes darting from her face and to the ground, not knowing whether to look at her or not. We just stand there for a moment, neither knowing what to do, I presume. That is until she grabs my hand and entwines our fingers, giving me a gentle squeeze.
"There's time to talk later. Now, you need to see your family." I know she sees the grimace, as she tightens her hold on my hand one again.
"They love you, Naomi, and you love them. They're alive; we're alive. Appreciate that." I feel my heart pound within my chest, my entire body longs to surge forward and embrace Emily and then go charging inside, but I stay perfectly still. My morose state only penetrated slightly by her speech. She sighs, bringing my eyes back to her form. She looks directly at me, and for the first time ever, I register envy.
"You're lucky, Naomi. You no longer need to miss them." I exhale profoundly and lower my eyes in shame, knowing that I am indeed blessed right now. No matter how upset I am at them, they are here to receive every bit of my anger and disappointment. Emily on the other hand, who though is with her friends and sister, blatantly lacks her family – and that grief I once knew is incredibly hard to come to terms with.
"Okay." I dare myself to move, risking a quick glance at Emily who merely nods with a slight smile on her face as we take a step towards the cabin, together.