Ed shrugged sheepishly. "Well, I didn't really want to make a big deal about it, you know?"
Madame Pomfrey nodded. "I can understand that," she said, but she was staring at his leg like she was scared it would bite her.
"It usually works a lot better than this, but the dementor messed with my nerves. It happens sometimes when the phantom pain gets really bad. I just need to sleep it off."
"It's not a normal prosthetic?" Madame Pomfrey asked, still staring.
Ed bristled. He couldn't believe anyone would compare Winry's work to something so simple. "This? This is the highest quality automail money can buy. This is the work of the most talented mechanic you'll ever money. The design will revolutionize the industry, mark my words."
"We don't have automail in Britain," Madame Pomfrey said. "You'll have to explain how it works to me so I can try to fix it."
"It attaches to my nerves, I know that much. You'd have to ask Winry about the rest. I never really payed attention to her lectures."
Madame Pomfrey went pale, but kept her professional manner. Ed didn't understand why wizards always seemed to make such a big deal out of it. It wasn't like they knew anything about the surgery. Still, he was grateful that Madame Pomfrey could at least pretend it didn't bother her. He hated being looked at like a freak.
"I could try to regrow it," Madame Pomfrey offered. It was a tempting offer, but Ed seriously doubted the Truth would appreciate it.
"It's fine. I've had automail for years. I'm used to it. Are we done here? I'd like to get to sleep."
Madame Pomfrey shook herself. "You need a Pain-Relieving Potion."
Ed stood up and pushed the pant leg back down. "No, thanks. Anesthetics mess with the artificial nerves, so I don't take any. So, how do I get to my room?"
Madame Pomfrey gave him a few simple directions and warned about moving staircases. She looked almost as shaken as Ed had felt after the dementor attack. She was more competent than a lot of doctors Ed'd had to put up with, but Ed figured he'd tell her about the missing kidney later. Maybe magic could regrow that.
"Weasley and Weasley! I want a word." McGonagall's voice cut through all of George's hopes and dreams and also the common room. That tone probably constituted child abuse. He should complain to Dumbledore.
"Professor McGonagall!" Fred cheered, springing up from his chair by the fireplace. "What can we do for you on this marvelous morning?"
"Perhaps your desire for chaos has awoken and you wish to enlist out talents," George suggested.
McGonagall didn't react. Oh, well. It was too early in the year to truly irritate her. Once, in third year, they had even managed to make her roll her eyes. George would cherish the memory for the rest of his days.
"After breakfast you will assist Professor Elric with setting up his classroom." She strode away without another word.
George sent Fred a meaningful glance. They had tried to glean personal information from the new professor to no avail. Elric stayed strong. Well, he couldn't keep his secrets forever. George would just have to get Harry on it. Harry was too curious for his own good, but George wasn't too dignified to delegate.
At breakfast, Harry sat down next to George. After the typical exchange of pleasantries, Harry said, "Malfoy isn't being as much of a git as I expected him to." He sounded so confused, the poor thing. Not that George was any less confused.
He placed a hand on his chest and drew in a shocked guest. "No," he proclaimed. "Will wonders never cease?"
"I know right?" Harry said. "I thought he'd be making a huge fuss about the dementor. I guess Professor Elric actually managed to shut him up."
George really loved his life sometimes. "You were with him on the train, yeah? What's he like?"
Harry shrugged. "I dunno. He seems okay." He sounded noncommittal, but there was no mistaking the flash of curiosity in his eyes. Wait a couple weeks and George would know everything there was to know about the mysterious Professor Elric. Including, possibly, his first name.
Breakfast ended and Fred and George went up to the staff table.
Elric was waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs. Unlike the rest of the staff, he was dressed in a Muggle style suit. It was all black, except for a crimson shirt and white and silver tie. His gloves were also white. George was pretty sure wearing gloves everywhere wasn't a Muggle thing, but he hadn't met enough Muggles to be sure.
Elric's classroom was on the third floor in the same hallway as the DADA room and featured tall windows on one wall looking out on the Whomping Willow and Shrieking Shack. There were four rows of long tables, one on either side, in front of the desk and chalkboard. Empty bookshelves and cabinets encircled the room. All the tables were laden with unopened boxes.
"Alright," Elric said cheerfully, "Let's get to work."
George had had no idea that a single person could have so much stuff. Every box was full to bursting, although thankfully none had extension charms. Elric set aside his cane and sat on the floor, filling the lower shelves, while Fred and George worked above him. Every box seemed to have its own method of sorting and they had to run all around the room to get everything in its proper place. All Elric's boxes were pre-sorted.
"So how come you've got a dog?" George asked, gesturing to the dog's head on the handle of the cane.
"Oh, that?" Elric laughed. "It's a joke. People like to call State Alchemists Dogs of the Military, you know, as an insult, so I decided to make it my thing. Besides, the dog I modeled it off of, Black Hayate, is more competent than a lot of the soldiers who try to insult us."
"You're in the military?" Fred asked.
"Yep. The blue box goes in my study, by the way. Most of that's my own research."
Fred left the box outside the study door, which was right behind the chalkboard.
"You're still researching alchemy?" George asked. "I thought you were supposed to be our teacher."
"Alchemy is always evolving," Elric explained. "There's always more to learn and discover. So anyway, I hear you two are the pranksters of Hogwarts?"
"That's right," Fred said proudly. "Fred and George Weasley, mischief makers extraordinaire, at your service." He added an exaggerated bow.
Elric grabbed his cane and stood up. "I'd like to offer you a deal," he said with a wide grin.
Fred and George shared a look. "Is that so?"
"Here's how it works," Elric said. "You don't prank me and in exchange I'll return half of the house points you lose for harmless pranks and you serve all detentions with me, unless the headmaster says otherwise."
"Define harmless," George said.
"No panic attacks, no triggers, no hospital wing."
The twins considered the offer. "Fair enough," Fred said. "Go up to all out house points back and then we can talk."
Elric shook his head. "Oh no, I could never. You see, if you were to, entirely hypothetically, use a couple alchemical techniques for reasons that were not, strictly speaking, for classwork and might conceivably be for, I dunno, mayhem, I would hate for the headmaster or deputy headmistress to get the absolutely ridiculous idea that I was somehow involved. I don't want them to think I would do something as irresponsible as teaching you two alchemy for the sole purpose of pranking. I mean, I'm supposed to be an authority figure."
Fred and George grinned. "You've got yourself a deal," they said in perfect unison.
After the debacle in Care of Magical Creatures, Harry was actually looking forward to his first ever Alchemy class.
In most of the classes Harry shared with Slytherins, the teachers were too afraid of Lucius Malfoy's influence (or too Snapeish) to keep Malfoy in check. Harry seriously doubted that McGonagall or Flitwick would tolerate Malfoy the way Harry had to, but he never got to see it.
When he and Ron got to class Hermione was already sitting in the front desk on the right. Harry and Ron sat down on either side of her. Professor Elric was at his desk, poring over a thick, leather-bound book and jotting down notes with his left hand.
Once the class had all been seated, Gryffindors on the right and Slytherins on the left, Professor Elric called roll. Malfoy was the only one absent. Harry waited for Professor Elric to comment, but he didn't. Instead he launched into a complicated explanation of atoms and elements. For once, Harry was glad he had attended Muggle school. He at least had a vague idea of what was going on.
Halfway through an explanation of the periodic table of elements, which Professor Elric had drawn on the board entirely from memory, Malfoy swaggered in, covered in bandages and looking like the survivor of a terrible battle.
"Take a seat," Elric said, not even bothering to turn around.
Harry and Ron scowled at each other. Malfoy should have gotten detention.
Professor Elric continued with the lesson, explaining the difference between halogens and noble gases, when Malfoy raised his hand.
"Sir, I need help writing these notes, because of my arm."
"Write them with your left hand," Elric said, as he wrote the family names in their columns.
"But, sir, I'm right handed," Malfoy insisted.
"So am I," Elric countered, continuing to write the notes with his left hand. "I expect every student to be responsible for their own education. My job is to give you information. If want to learn alchemy, I'll do everything in my power to help you learn, but if you want to slack off and expect me to pick up after you, that's not my problem or my job."
Malfoy went red with fury. "It's not my fault that bloody beast of Hagrid's attacked me! I was just talking to it and then out of nowhere it maimed me!"
"You're lying," Dean Thomas snapped. "It was Malfoy's fault, Professor. He's the one who goaded it."
"I did not," Malfoy snarled. "Pansy, you saw, right?"
Pansy sniffled. "That man should be sacked," she said through her tears.
"You lot just want to make Hagrid miserable!" Hermione shrieked. "He's innocent and you know it!
"Yeah," Ron said. "Besides, he told you to be polite."
"It's not your fault you didn't listen," Harry added.
"Well, he shouldn't have been showing us something that dangerous in the first place," Malfoy shot back. "When I tell my father, he'll have that oaf sacked before the day is out."
"If hippogriffs were that dangerous, you'd think someone else would have gotten hurt," Ron retorted.
"Enough!" Elric roared. The class went deathly silent. "If you want to discuss another class, do it on your own time. Your attention should be here, on the lesson. It's not so much of an issue today, but once we start transmuting, you'll have to worry about rebounds. Alchemy can be very dangerous if performed incorrectly and the damage is not always easily fixed. I know people who have lost their eyes, their limbs, even internal organs by messing around with alchemy. I am telling you this now so you'll be prepared. I will never teach you anything that could do that to you, but if you choose to meddle, don't say I didn't warn you."
No one moved or spoke. "Excellent," Elric said, "Now, as I was saying-"
"Er, Professor, I still can't write anything with this arm," Malfoy said. "Hagrid's hippogriff mangled it, remember?" He went pale as soon as he said it, realizing too late that he'd backed himself into a corner.
"Mister Malfoy," Elric said, his voice tight with irritation. "Show me your arm."
"I don't know if you really want to see it," Malfoy said dubiously. "It's really nasty."
"I've seen worse," Elric said. "Now show me your arm."
"Are you sure?" Malfoy asked. "I mean, I don't think you've ever seen a hippogriff attack before. I don't want to upset you or something."
"I've seen worse," Elric repeated. "And I'm starting to get annoyed. Don't make me ask again."
Reluctantly, Malfoy walked up to Elric's desk. Elric unwound the bandages with professional ease. Like Harry had expected, it was completely uninjured.
They both stared at the arm for a few moments.
"See me after class," Elric snapped.
Author's Note: Ed lost the kidney when he got impaled in Baschool during the fight with Kimblee. I figured that with that much damage, there was no way he could get off with only a scar. You only really need one kidney, so it doesn't affect his life too much.