.::I do not own The Outsiders::.

"Sometimes I lie, sometimes I cry, sometimes I die, I'm going down
Sometimes I wish, sometimes I switch, sometimes I drift, I'm going down
Sometimes I am, sometimes I jam, sometimes I dam, I'm going down

Close your eyes, release your mind, open your heart
I know you're falling away, you're falling away from me"

Darrel Jr. paced in his bedroom back and forth glancing to his dresser where the notebook was laid down. Since July to now, October, not one of the two brothers dared to open it. He didn't understand why there was this fear, this anxious reaction of just thinking of reading the contents inside. It was around three in the morning, some nights he couldn't sleep easily, it seemed that his little brother left many wounds still open also the nightmares he passed on to them. Soda, some nights, would wake up shouting for Ponyboy crying afterwards, Darry would jolt up in bed with many bad memories in his dreams. I thought time was suppose to heal all wounds...Time just keeps making things worse.

With a sigh, Darry sat on the edge of his bed covering his face with his hands, this was harder than his parent's deaths. Through the small bedroom's window, the moon's glow shone. The stars twinkled brightly, the oldest Curtis looked out a ghost of a smile appearing on his face. Tears welled up as he sobbed quietly, "Aawe Pone.."

Steve worked on a car that was dropped off an hour ago. Owner said something was making a weird rattling noise. With beads of sweat sliding on his front he kept working on it with determination. On the front desk was Sodapop sitting down looking at a magazine without really knowing what he was reading. His mind was somewhere else. It was always somewhere else. Thoughts of Ponyboy roamed in his head, he also thought of the What if's. What if I had just taken Pony a day before? Or run away with him before he was placed in a foster home? Or if I had run faster to catch him before he fell down the stairs?

"-pop?"

Soda shook his head quickly peering up to see Steve folding his arms with a grimace on his face.

"Huh?"

"Soda, ya gotta start using your head more, if you don't cut this crap you're gonna have to leave work. Now c'mon man, I need your help for a sec."

"Yeah, ok."

Walking into the garage, Steve closed the door spun around and pushed his friend making him stumble backwards. Soda glared at him catching himself by leaning on the car that was in there, "What the hell Steve?!"

"Me? What's your problem, man? You keep acting all zombie, you gotta cut that shit out!"

"You think this is easy?! It ain't easy Steve! I lost by brother! My baby brother!"

Steve rolled his eyes, "It's been months! Get over it!"

Sodapop narrowed his eyes, "You're such a jack ass Steve."

He smirked, "Aren't I always?"

"I thought you were my friend."

"I am Soda! Which is why I'm telling you this. Open your eyes, look around you."

"It's not like you'd understand anyways, you never lost someone like I did." After those words left his mouth he instantly regretted it.

Steve frowned going past by Soda whose face was pale. He opened the door wide. Maybe it wasn't the same pain but he knew what it meant to really hurt over somebody, losing his mother at 12 wasn't easy, especially when his father turned into an alcoholic after losing his wife, getting drunk was a mechanism for grieving. Unfortunately that stuck with him ever since.

"Steve, I-I'm sorry."

"Just go Soda, just go..."

Soda was almost out of the garage, "Really, I wasn't thinking-"

"Ya know Soda, I hope Pony doesn't see you like this... Where ever he is."

His body felt cold like someone giving a slap on the face. Soda swallowed thickly stepping inside the shop a ringing sound in his ears. Since it was the beginning of October, outside was very cold. Not many costumers came, especially at night making business slow. He sunk in his seat gazing at the counter as if it were very interesting.

They don't know. They just don't know the pain. It hurts, everyday this hole inside of me just gets bigger and bigger. It's too hard...to let go of someone you loved more than anyone else. He was just a baby...Just a baby...I miss him so much, more than anything in the world. He wasn't suppose to die. We already had lost Ma and Dad, why him too? Oh Pony, I wish you were here with me. With Darry, the guys. God damn it, I don't think I'll ever be ok.

One tear slid down his cheek, Pony, I'm so lost without you...

Johnny fumbled with the pencil in his hand as he worked on some homework from school in the Curtis house. Darry was in his recliner reading the newspaper calmly, he told Johnny if he needed help with his English essay he'd help. The radio was on, Bob Dylan's voice echoed off the walls. The front door opened with a drunk Twobit stumbling inside. He had a black eye, blood dripping from his noise and bruised lip. He grinned when he saw his friend's worry.

"Fancy meetin ya here."

Darry caught him before he fell to the ground. Johnny, forgetting his homework, rushed to his side helping Darry lay him on the couch. Twobit rubbed his cheek scowling remembering what had happened. Damn Socs. The tanned greaser pursed his lips seeing him in that bad state. It was very sad watching his friend so out of it almost all the time, he wasn't like this before with his natural humor. Now, when he does talk, it's the alcohol speaking.

"I'll be right back, Johnny you stay here."

"Where are you going?" Johnny asked as Darry grabbed his keys.

"To the store to buy aspirins, I have none left. It'll only take a minute or two."

A load groan was heard from Twobit massaging his head when Darry closed the door making a loud noise, he cocked his head when he saw Johnny glower at him. The teen sighed plopping himself on the recliner shaking his head.

"Ya knooow, you shouuuld tuurn that frown upside up." Twobit slurred.

Johnny frowned deeper, "Just shut up Keith... And by the way, it's upside down."

He winced when people pronounced his name, "Whoa whoa, hold up a sec. Whaat did I duu?"

That's when Johnny turned around with his eyes glazed, "Look at yourself Twobit. What happened? I thought you-you'd stay the same...Everybody...Everybody is ... different. Even me but...This is not how I thought it'd turn out..." he sighed again, "Everythings fucked up, man."

Twobit stared at him processing every word. Although drunk he knew what he was thinking and he'll remember this conversation in the morning. It was true, everybody changed. Obviously Pony's loss would have affected the gang but this was too much. Not what was expected. But who expected Ponyboy dying? Even Dally disappeared for a while, Sodapop hasn't been the same, he was all ghost like, Darry always looks stressful, Twobit himself being a real bastard drunk getting into fights and Johnny. He barely shows up anymore.

"Fucked up...You're right kid, we are..."

Dally took a cancer stick lighting it up, he was in the lot alone sitting on a rust old truck that didn't even work, it's tires were stolen , the windows broken. He let the smoke out slowly from his mouth making a cloud of smoke that disappeared with the blow of the wind. It was very chilly outside so he pulled on his jacket. His eyes scanned the empty lot that held many good memories of the gang laughing still happy. The pipsquick taking his first steps here, everybody helping him walk a far distance. When he learned to play tag with us, run around, kick the football, finding Pepsi. He grinned, punching Johnny on the nose. Ha, what I would give to go back in time for that...

He flicked the cigarette on the ground crushing it with his foot. What I'd give to live another day like that.

(Sorry for any grammar mistakes)