Merry #$!&ing Christmas
(Note: This title was not meant to be offensive. It was purely for humor.)
Kohari: Well, the holidays are finally here. And you know what that means - presents! That's right; it's the time of gift-giving.
Jacqie: And we'd like to give a gift to all our loyal reviewers out there! Guess what, ladies and gents? We wrote this whole chapter just for you!
Kohari: -thinking- Well, why else would we write it? -speaking- Well, have a safe and merry Christmas, everyone! And enjoy the fic.
Jacqie: Happy holidays to those of you atheists out there. Ha! Now you can't sue us!
Kohari: Who's ready for some carols?
WARNING: The following material may not be appropriate for smaller children. They are not in any way, shape, or form nice or cute and may traumatize those who still believe in Santa. It is a crude mockery of our holiday meant to be funny. If you are offended in any way, boycott our fic - don't report us! Because we warned you!
The screen is blank. Random shuffling and muffled voices can be heard in the background. "This is gonna be so cool," Daphne says. "Our first Christmas together."
"I know right?" Kit chirps happily. In a few seconds, the camera switches on with a click, and the viewers can see her in front of the camera, adjusting the angle. She smiles at the lens and backs off a distance so all three of the girls can be seen. They are sporting elf and Santa outfits, but each is wearing a fluffy red Santa hat. Kit is wearing a pair of adorable mittens.
"This Christmas is going to be SO awesome. To celebrate, we're going to be singing some Christmas carols!" Kit announces. "Our first number will be...'Jingle Bells'! Yay! How rockin' does that sound?" (A/N: She's way to excited about this...how much chocolate did that girl eat this season?) She takes a deep breath and begins to sing. "Tintez cloches, tintez cloches, tintez dans la -..."
"Kit," Daphne stops her. "In English."
"Oh. Okay." They all chorus:
Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
Batmobile lost its wheel and Joker got away - Hey!
Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
Batmobile lost a wheel and Joker took ballet - Yay!
"Was that fun or what?" Kit demands of the audience.
"Lovely," Kai commented sarcastically. "I got one, girls. It's a solo."
"'Kay."
Kai starts. "Deck the halls with balls of fire. Falalala-..."
"Kai!" (Daph and Kit)
"That's not how it goes! Keep it nice!" Kit chastised.
"Oh, yeah. I suppose your 'Jingle Bells' was sweet as a pumpkin pie on Christmas Eve, Kit," Kai snapped. "Hypocrite."
"Hey, hey," Daphne broke in. "Chill, yo. It's Christmas. This is a time for being happy and celebrating. Not arguing. That's for the guys to do later on tonight when they've had too much alcohol."
"Did Koenma even approve this?" Kit wonders innocently.
Daph snorts. "No."
"Why, exactly, would he approve us doing anything remotely fun?" Kai asked her. "Bad things happen to his peeps when we have fun."
"Okay. I didn't think so."
"So what do we sing next?" Daphne changed the subject.
"Pick me! Pick me!"
"What, Kit?"
"Younger readers may not like this one...
I saw daddy killing Santa Clause...right behind the Christmas tree last night...
He didn't see me creep...down the stairs to take a peep...
He thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep..."
Daphne adds (They made this song up together.):
"That's when I saw daddy stabbing Santa Clause...
because he saw him kissing his new wife...
What a laugh it would have been...if the elves had only seen...
My daddy killing Santa Clause last night."
"Hypocrites." (Guess who said this? -cough-Kai-cough-)
"I know. I try," Kit replied.
"Hey, it says in the warning none of this was nice," Daphne reminded them.
"I know," Kit told her, "but I thought we'd do a nice little piece for our littler readers."
"Just who do you think under the age of 13 reads this junk?" Kai spat.
"I dunno. The authoresses' brothers who like to read over their shoulders while they're typing?..."
"ANYWAYS!" Daphne called them back to the present. "How about 'Sleigh Ride'?"
Just hear those chains a-jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too...
Come on, it's not the weather for some torture together with you.
Outside the guards are falling, inmates are shouting yoo-hoo...
Come on, it's lovely weather for an escape outta here with you.
Our cheeks are nice and rosy with frozen toesies...whee!
We're scrunched tightly together like two birds of a feather should be.
Let's take the road before us and leave the boys behind
Duck, Kurama's whip'll get us in quite a bind.
Let's have a big party at the apartment of Yusuke.
It'll be the perfect ending to an awesome day.
We'll sing these songs we love to sing and dance until we drop.
Then we'll use Koenma's card to shop...
It's the greatest feeling nothing in the world can buy,
like when we're putting stuff into the boys' pies...
Keeping Hiei out the drawer with all of Genkai's knives...
is something we'll remember for the rest of all our lives.
"I think it's time for a redneck song," Kai suggested. Seeing Kit and Daphne's confused expressions, she clarified, "The Grandma song?"
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Koenma got run over by a reindeer (Daphne: We wish.)
...after lecturing us on Christmas Eve.
Now, you can say there's no such thing as Karma...
As for me and my girls, we believe!
Unfortunately, the victim heard this. The girls ran screaming from the screen just before Junior dashed into the room in front of the camera, apparently not noticing it was there. "Where did those annoyances go?" he pondered aloud, looking in every direction before taking off opposite from where he'd come in.
Shortly after his departure, the three "annoyances" peeked out into the screen range meekly. "Is he gone?" Kit voices their thoughts.
"No sh-t, Sherlock," Kai answered her.
They return to "center stage", clearing their throats. "Sorry about that, guys," Daphne apologized.
"Yeah," added Kit. "He's kinda sensitive." The last sentence she voiced in a mockingly whispering voice.
She then continues, "Hey, it's not Christmas without Rudolph, is it, kids?"
"There are no kids," Kai tries to tell her. Kit pays no attention. She and Daphne giggle and the lyrics they're about to sing. "Oh, h-ll no," Kai braces herself.
Hiei, the hot apparition...had some cool red-colored nails.
He didn't mean to do it...we did it all for him, that's sweet!
He didn't appreciate our work, he even tried to kill us, too.
Hiei is really scary...he'd turned red as a beet.
But this year on Christmas Eve, we're gonna get him back.
Sneak into his room that night...then we'll steal his bag of crack.
Wonder how much it'll get us...if we sold it on the street? (MO-NEY!)
Our greatest prank ever! It'll go down in history!
"That completely and totally sucked," Kit criticized.
"I know," Daphne agreed. "But we made it up on the spur of the moment. What do these people expect?"
"The reindeer song...gotta love it," Kai said.
"Hey, we can't forget about the Christmas trees!" (Kit)
"Of course not. Those trees bust their -ss-s every year and for what? Underappreciation. Let's show 'em how much we love what they do!" Daphne suggested.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree!
Why'd ya hafta fall on me?
Ya broke my leg, ya killed my dogs...
Electrocuted Santa Claus!
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree!
Why'd ya hafta fall on me?
"For our big finale," Kit introduced.
"We're bringing you the coolest, most awesome, totally rockin'version of 'The 12 Days of Christmas'!" Daphne finished for her.
"Reikai Tantei style," Kai told the audience.
On the first day of Christmas, the Tantei gave to me...
Some training so I wouldn't be a wimp!
(Note: To shorten this out, we're going to skip some verses.)
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Tantei gave to me...
4 katanas
3 spirit orbs
2 black eyes
AND SOME TRAINING SO I WOULDN'T BE A WIMP!
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Tantei gave to me...
6 new missions...
5. Cool Attacks!
4 katanas, 3 spirit orbs, 2 black eyes...
AND SOME TRAINING SO I WOULDN'T BE A WIMP!
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Tantei gave to me...
9 pints demon blood
8 laps in the gym
7 hundred push-ups,
6 new missions, 5. Cool Attacks!
4 katanas, 3 spirit orbs, 2 black eyes, and SOME TRAINING SO I WOULDN'T BE A WIMP!
"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Hiei gave to me," Daphne sang.
"That's not how it goes!" Kit protested.
"What if Hiei heard you?" Kai hissed.
"I did," came his voice from across the room. The girls turned to see him leaning against a doorway. In his hand was a glass of some whitish kind of liquid. Well, most of it was gone. (And NO, it is NOT THAT!) What was weird was that...
"Hiei, you're blushing!" Yusuke teased, which was the truth.
"He's what?" Daphne shrieked.
"I'm not blushing," he told them.
Kurama sighed. "Hiei...please tell me you didn't accept the eggnog."
"What of it?"
"Hiei, you're drunk."
"No, I'm not."
"You are."
"Hey, Daph..." Kit tried to get her attention. "Are you...?"
"Am I what?" came the response.
"Daph," Kai whispers. "You're under the..."
"What?"
"You're under the mistletoe, Daph," Kit finished. Daphne gasps and looks up. Before she can close her mouth, she finds herself in Hiei's grasp, their lips connected. She was way to interested in Hiei's kiss to hear everyone gasp and or laugh. Chill girl, he doesn't really want to kiss you. You heard Kurama, he's just drunk. With this thought she pulled away from Hiei breaking the kiss and ignoring his confused look. Kurama was still trying to hold in his laughter, "See Daphne, told you he was drunk."
Daphne just laughed weakly at Kurama's comment. Kai and Kit noticed the tension in the room and saw that Daphne was still kind of embarrassed that everyone had heard her and now knew about her huge crush on Hiei. Kai was the first to speak up, "Hey Kurama, exactly how much did Hiei have to drink?" she asked laughingly.
"No more eggnog for Hiei," Kit said in a singsong voice. Yusuke was about to make another idiotic comment about Hiei and Daphne but was quickly stopped by a glare sent at him by Kurama. Everyone but Daphne and Hiei were quickly laughing and joking around. Daphne managed to catch Kit and Kai's eyes and silently thanked them for pretending like it had never happened. They quickly made their way over to Daphne and pulled her to the opposite side of the room that Hiei was at. "Listen Daph,they all know that you have a crush on Hiei, so what? They're all pretending it never happened so why can't you?" Kit asked her.
"How the heck am I supposed to face him now that he knows?" Daphne asked quietly.
"Hello Daph, he's drunk. Just how much of tonight do you think he's gonna remember tomorrow and even if he does remember, he'll probably want to forget that he let himself be so drunk and not menacing in front of us," Kai answered her.
"Good point. We just forget that it ever happened," Daphne said smirking.
"What never happened," Kai asked smirking right back at her." Gosh I can't wait until tomorrow," Kit said randomly.
"Can any of us?" Daphne asked laughingly as Kurama and Yusuke pulled her up to dance. "I'm dying to see who my secret santa is," Kit said excitedly as she too was pulled to the impromptu dance floor. Kai wasn't going to be left alone for long as she was also pulled to dance with the rest of the gang. Hiei watched everyone dance and laugh but more often then naught, his gaze fell on the pretty platinum blonde with sparkling silvery-blue eyes. Eventually he got irritated with his chosen activity and left the room. Everyone continued to laugh and dance for an hour or more until people got tired and went to bed. Kit was first to seek her bed, Kai not far behind. Next, Botan and Yusuke went to their rooms. Eventually all that was left was Kurama and Daphne. Kurama got up from his seat and sat next to her, "Are you okay Daphne?" he asked with a look of sincere concern on his face.
Daphne smiled at his concern, Kurama had been her first friend when she got to the temple and he still meant a great deal to her. "I'm fine Kurama. It may be pretty difficult to face Hiei for a few days but I'll get over it."
"Alright. You know that I'm here if you ever want to talk."
"I know Kurama. Well I don't know about you but I'm exhausted so I am going to bed."
"Okay Daphne, I'll probably go to bed soon as well," Kurama told her as he gave her a hug. After Daphne was gone, he sat up for a little while longer before getting up and stretching while heading for the stairs. On his way out of the room, he passed the girls' video camera and not even thinking about everything that had been taped, he turned it off.
Christmas Morning
Daphne yawned as she walked down the stairs to the living room with her secret santa gift. She couldn't hear any noise coming from any of the downstairs rooms so she figured that she was the first one awake. "Weird, I thought that Kit would be the first up for sure," she whispered to herself as she walked into the living room only to be met with the sight of a certain apparition staring into the fireplace. He looked up at the sound of someone walking into the room and for some reason froze at the sight of the one girl he had no idea how to act around. Daphne realized that she had been standing still for a few minutes and forced herself to move to the Christmas tree. After placing her gift under it she turned around and plopped down in one of the chairs. Hiei was thankfully not looking at her anymore but she still couldn't stand the silence. "I didn't think anyone else was awake," she said casually as she huddled into the chair.
Hiei let out his typical 'hn' in response. She rolled her eyes at him. "Hiei, do you think you could..." she trailed off as she waved her hand in the direction of the fireplace.
"Do what onna," he asked in annoyance. He got the point when she gestured to the fireplace again and almost instantly a fire blazed in the fireplace.
"Thanks" she said gratefully. Another 'hn' was again her only response. She sighed softly as she settled farther into the chair to wait for the others to wake up in silence. She had just begun to doze off when Hiei called her attention to him by calling her, shockingly, by her actual name instead of onna like he normally did. She was broken out of her reverie by his annoyed voice calling her name again. "Huh? What did you want Hiei?" she asked him.
"Daphne, about what happened last night-"
"Don't worry about it Hiei, I would really rather not discuss it, if you don't mind," she said interrupting him before he could get another word out. Hiei nodded in agreement though she thought she saw a faint blush creep up on his cheeks. Darn girl, stop imagining things. They settled back into a rather awkward silence finally to be interrupted by Kit and Yusuke's arguing as they came down the stairs with their gifts. Kit broke off the argument as soon as they walked into the room, "Merry Christmas everyone!" she exclaimed only to discover that everybody only consisted of herself, Yusuke, Hiei, and Daphne. "Hey, where is everyone else?" she asked as she plopped down in the chair next to Daphne.
"Asleep onna, though I doubt they are anymore, not with your loud mouth," Hiei said with perhaps a little less venom then normal.
"Sheesh Hiei, hasn't anyone ever described to you what Christmas spirit is?" Kit asked as she and Yusuke put their gifts under the tree. Hiei was saved from answering(or perhaps we should say Kit was saved) when Kai, Kurama, Yukina, and Keiko came down the stairs and into the living room to put their gifts under the tree. Kai immediately took the chair on the other side of Daphne. "Oh goody, almost everybody is up," said Kit excitedly as she bounced up and down. (Does sugar ever wear off on her?)
"Well duh, it's kind of hard to stay asleep when two of the loudest people in the darn temple are arguing first thing in the morning," Kai said looking accusingly at Kit and Yusuke.
The guilty parties both pointed at each other and at the same time exclaimed, "He/she started it!" Kai rolled her eyes.Suddenly another pair of footsteps pounded down the stairs. Daphne looked at Kit and Kai and mouthed "Gotta be Kuwabara". Kai laughed as she mouthed back "Who else?" All three girls dissolved in a fit of laughter only to be broken by said party plus Koenma and Genkai.
Kit looked around quickly, "Good, now everyone's up," she said happily, "we can give out our presents now."
'Happy happy joy joy," said Daphne sarcastically as everyone went to grab the gifts that they had bought.
Flashback
Daphne sighed in irritation as the little bowl with the names was passed around. She didn't exactly care for the idea of secret santas but it was better than buying a gift for everyone. She watched as Kit and then Kai pulled out their names and then it was her turn. She pulled out a slip of paper and unfolded it to see whose secret santa she was. She smirked already knowing what she was going to get her person.
End flashback
(Note: I honestly cannot think of all of the gifts so I will be skipping some people...for those just use your imagination. I'll tell who got whose but I may not tell you the gift.)
Kit had pulled out Botan's name. She had gotten her a brand new, upgraded oar.
Botan had pulled out Kuwabara's.
Kuwabara had gotten Koenma's.
Koenma had pulled out Genkai's.
Genkai had pulled out Kurama's. She had gotten him an extremely rare and exotic plant. One of the few that he didn't already have.
Kurama had pulled out Kit's name. He had gotten her a pink charm bracelet and necklace set. She was of course thrilled with her gift.
Kai had pulled out Yukina's name. She had gotten her a new cookware set that she had seen Yukina eyeing in the store.
Yukina had gotten Keiko.
Keiko had pulled Yusuke's name.
Yusuke had gotten Kai. He had gotten her a CD that she had wanted pretty bad.
Now you can probably guess the last two people had gotten each other.
Daphne, of course, had pulled Hiei's name. She had gotten him the new katana he had wanted.
Hiei had gotten Daphne, we can be reasonably sure he was somewhat at a loss at what to get her so he had followed Kurama's example and gotten her jewelry. He got her a black cord choker with a red rose pendant with a matching bracelet and earrings.
And of course everyone had gotten gag gifts from the KKD trio.
Kit and Kai had noticed that Daphne and Hiei were shooting each other glances and looking away when they met the other's eyes. They decided to do something about it but realized that they couldn't do it alone so they pulled Kurama and Yusuke in on it as well. They all listened as Kit outlined the plan.
Kai went to distract Daphne while Yusuke distracted Hiei. Kurama and Kit quickly and quietly made sure that the mistletoe was still in place at the door. At the signal Kai and Yusuke subtly got both of them under the mistletoe at the same time.
Kit smiled at them and said, "Daph, you and Hiei are kinda under the mistletoe again." Daphne turned around and quickly found herself in Hiei's grasp once again as their lips connected. Kurama pulled a string at Kit's signal. The string did as it was supposed to, the mistletoe dissapeared from the doorway.
Kai piped up next, "Guys, you can stop kissing, the mistletoe is kind of gone now," she said with a smirk.
Daphne broke off the kiss and looked up at the mistletoe free door. "Guess they're right, it's not there anymore," she said smiling wryly at Hiei. "We'll have to stop getting caught under it so often."
Hiei just growled in irritation and pulled her to him again, before kissing her, he whispered in her ear, "I don't need some dumb plant as a reason to kiss you." (Was that sappy or what? Sorry y'all I'm kinda in a sappy mood at the moment.)
Kit, Kai, Yusuke, and Kurama pulled another tie and a curtain covered the room from view as all four of them sang.
The curtains close
on a kiss...God knows
we can tell the end is near
After they finish the little song and they think that everyone has gone and stopped reading, Kit pokes her head behind the curtain, "Guys, aren't y'all done yet," she whines pulling her head back and covering her eyes.
"Seriously, enough is enough already," Kurama says in agreement to Kit.
Hiei breaks off the kiss just long enough to say, "The lack of mistletoe is obviously bothering them, Daphne. Let's take this somewhere a little more...private."
The End!
Kohari: Oh course it's only the end of the chapter.
Jacqie: Okay...sorry if it's too sappy y'all but like I said, I'm in a major sappy mood.
Note: The last song is from the soundtrack of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More with Feeling.
Merry Christmas everyone! Read and Review!