AN: Thanks so much for all the reviews. I would like to thank Downton-and-daydreams here as I don't think you have enabled PMs and thus I can't thank you through that.
This chapter does contain a couple of Violet quotes, these are of course Mr Fellowes' wonderful work and I take no credit for them. Thank you for reading.
Robert mopes around all day, unable to process a single thought that's not to do with Cora or Jane. Why didn't he discuss the situation with Cora before re employing Jane is a thought that swims in his mind. The truth is he didn't think he needed to. He and Cora had discussed Jane, the war and the parts of their marriage they'd lost and since reestablished.
Cora's words from earlier plague his thoughts and it brings tears to his eyes. He would never, ever intentionally break Cora's heart, my goodness, he adored her. He'd wasted enough of their newlywed days refusing to express his love for her and he'd tried not to make that mistake since. He loved taking her out to dinner and buying her Christmas gifts, even if shopping was sometimes tedious, which it wasn't very often, at least he felt like he was making up for those wasted months. But what now? How was he supposed to make up for this mistake, no gift, he knew could compensate for what she thought existed between him and Jane. Cora had forgiven him for kissing her all those years ago, taking all the blame upon herself, convinced he wouldn't have done it if she hadn't neglected him. For this Robert was still angry, he felt that surely his actions were his responsibility and that he should be the one to take the blame for almost ruining their marriage, it was after all him who was almost unfaithful. But on this point Cora would always disagree as well, saying that he had not been unfaithful to her and thus there was no point in discussing the matter, and equally she told him that she strongly believes it would never have come to that, she was sure he would not have let go of his love for her altogether. Cora, his wonderful Cora, he couldn't cope without her.
Her laugh and the way she rolls her r's particularly when pronouncing his name, are sounds that begin to cloud his thoughts and he shakes his head in an attempt to clear his mind so he can think.
He realises suddenly, far too late, that's he's been naive, stupid even. He has repeated another mistake from the earlier months of his marriage, he'd forgotten to take into account Cora's feelings. He'd only thought of the benefits to Jane herself and the staff if she was to return. He'd failed to step into Cora's shoes and assess the look of the thing from her point of view. He almost kicks himself, what was his mother always saying "it's the look of the thing that matters." And now he'd realised, much to late, that to Cora, Jane reappearing did not look good in fact it screamed 'marriage failed.' Goodness he did hate how his mother was always right.
What was he going to do? Cora as he had been informed by Mary was spending he day at his mother's and wouldn't be back before bed. The Dower house of all places, he knew for a fact Cora rarely saw eye to eye with her mother-in-law, so why choose to go there? Because she doesn't want to be here and she doesn't want to see you his subconscious probes, and he decides with regret that is the truth.
Without thinking he has walked himself to Cora's bedroom and as her favourite perfume washes over him and he spots the bed he almost growls with anger. To think that Cora won't let him anywhere near that bed tonight, or anywhere near her makes him shudder. His favourite part of the day is when he gets to hold her in his arms. To tease her and be teased with his body pressed against hers. The time of day when he can kiss her and murmur sweet nothings in her ear and into her hair. Then, finally, listen to her breathing steady and her eyes flutter closed, her face perfect and at peace. He always waits for her to fall asleep before allowing himself to slip into his own state of unconsciousness. Tears slip down his face when he realises he's going to be alone tonight, on the rickety bed next door rather than the warm cosy one that smells of Cora. The dark, dingy room rather than the room from which every item screams 'Cora' and feels so warm and homely. He's unconsciously slid into the chair by her dressing table, his fingers absentmindedly picking up her jewellery and twirling it around his fingers. How on earth is he going to resolve this situation? He needs her, he loves her.
He sits through dinner but nothing anyone says breaks him from his reverie. He just sits staring at the empty chair across the table. The chair in which his heart belongs. He thinks again of the lonely night ahead and tears prick in his eyes. Somehow he refrains from crying but for once in his life he wishes his English upbringing of hiding his feelings was not so engrained in him. He wants nothing more than to just cry, to hold Cora in his arms and cry. If he'd been more open with his feelings none of this would have happened, Cora would have been sure of his love for her, she'd be here now. God how he hates being English sometimes.
As he sits staring another of his mother's lectures comes to mind:honesty, and the fact that all marriages are based on it. He has to tell Cora the truth, but that's easier said than done, what is the chance of her listening? He brushes that thought away, she has to listen, he will make her listen if he has to. He loves her and she has to understand. Jane is not and never will be his mistress.