Arise! I come baring more UraMayu crack. And it only gets crackier from here.

Mayuri woke up long after the sun rose. It was late, he was late, but that was a perk of being a captain-it honestly didn't matter. He groggily looked at Nemu, who sat poised in the chair beside his bed, sitting with her back straight like a statue. In her hand was the phone, and thank the gods it was not ringing.

As the night had gone on, the calls had become fewer and far between. Mayuri would have taken the battery out of the phone, except for the fact that doing so sent an alert to all of the other captains to warn for sabotage. So, Nemu had simply answered and hung up until the pranksters either went to sleep, sobered up, or passed out drunk, Mayuri didn't care which. It's not like she was doing anything important, anyhow. Sleep for Nemu was optional for a few weeks at least.

But, all of his problems could be fixed if the communications department could put up a block for his phone. While, ideally if he could restrict calls to the other 12 captains, that would be the best situation, but it might not be the wisest one.

Throwing the door open, he walked into the room filled with busy attendants monitoring screens, sorting through papers.

The manager of the communications department was Tsubokura Rin, but Akon was the one sitting in his desk that was piled high with candy wrappers.

"I take it that Rin is out on duty," he said as he approached Akon's back. "I have a communications emergency and I need it fixed now!"

Akon swiveled his chair around, a "borrowed" lollipop in his mouth, staining the inner surface of his lips a deep navy. He pulled it out with a pop and licked his lips with a very blue tongue.

"Yeah, Rin's in the human world this week so I'm running this post as well as my own. What can I do for you?" Akon asked.

Mayuri handed him his phone. "I keep getting unwanted calls on this phone and they must stop."

Akon looked at him sideways. "What kinds of calls?"

"It doesn't matter what kinds of calls, just fix it."

Akon sighed gravely. "I must know so that I know if we are dealing with a security breach and need to fix other networks. I'm not trying to pry into your personal life. Quite the opposite."

Mayuri stared uncomfortably into Akon's deadpanned eyes. As much as Akon now wanted to start licking the lollipop in his hand, he really didn't want to trigger Mayuri's temper, as fun as that could be.

"Fine." Mayuri crossed his arms over his chest. "While I was in my evening bath, I began to receive calls from people who were obviously inebriated or under the influence of drugs."

Akon pulled a file down on the computer screen and squinted at the list of numbers that it contained. "Hmm. It seems you did get a lot of calls. All of these numbers seem to be for telephones in the human world. Usually you'd need a transdimensional communicator to make a call like that, but this phone is very special."

"As it should be," Mayuri huffed.

"It looks like you were called by 6 different numbers in the human world between 10 PM and 3 AM, multiple times for each number," said Akon. "Was there any reason why they called?"

"I don't know!"

"Well, what did they say to you?"

"If I had to put a name to that filth, I would say that they were trying to engage me, via multiple means mind you, and coerce me into committing sexual acts over the telephone."

Akon scratched his head. "Director, let me get this right. Last night you received 78 calls from people requesting that you have phone sex with them?"

"Yes!" Mayuri flung his hands out in desperation. "And they were deviants, all of them. Whenever I'd put Nemu on, who has a voice that I created to be specifically sexually attractive, especially to men, they'd go back to requesting me!"

Akon typed a few things into the display and pushed a few buttons on the phone, changing its settings, handing it back to Mayuri. "Here. I blocked all of those numbers. If you need to restrict things further, come back and see me. I wouldn't go as far as changing your number, yet. But, we'll do all that we can for you."

"Thank you." Mayuri shoved the phone in a pocket. "Hopefully, tonight I will sleep in peace." He turned on a heel. "Nemu, let's go."

Akon watched them go, only to burst into laughter once the door was closed. Catching his breath, he lit up a cigarette and went back through the call files, pulling them out one by one. He put on a pair of headphones. Listening to these recordings was going to be highly entertaining.

xXx

Urahara brought in the last of the merchandise that was outdoors. Tessai was in the kitchen readying dinner and both Jinta and Ururu were in helping him. Yoruichi was out for a while on a mission; he never asked how long she'd be gone, and he doubted she'd be able to tell him anyways.

Even though today was a brand new day, he still couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened last night. It'd been a while since he had seen so many people acting like complete assholes. Like they were entitled to somebody's mind, somebody's body, just because someone else had been there before.

He had gone in with thick white paint and painted over the number in the bathroom stall. It had taken a few coats, but eventually the stark black was overpowered. Drying paint over a phone number in a men's bathroom stall was not something he had ever imagined that he would do with his kidou skills, but the world was a strange and fascinating place.

Yes, he would admit, he had as perverted a mind as any man would admit to having, but there were some things that you simply did not do. If your partner says no, you stop. If a lover sends you nudes, you don't post them on the internet when you break up. All that girl had probably done was leave her boyfriend for his "best friend" or something like that. Maybe it was her fault, maybe it wasn't, but honestly, it didn't matter now.

Urahara ate his dinner, not saying much as he pondered the situation. Jinta teased Ururu and grabbed seconds before her. Urahara smiled at them but he was not present. The food he chewed had little taste, as he was lost in wonder. Just what did this woman's voice sound like, that drove strangers to foolishness? This was Japan after all; people were private in their desires.

When Urahara got ready to call, he locked the door to his room and tacked up a roughly hewn "do not disturb" sign. He built up the pillows on his bed and settled into them, making himself comfortable. He checked the clock; it wasn't too late, just a bit after seven. Finally, he took out the phone that had been burning a hole in his pocket since yesterday.

He punched in the number and paused. Was this really okay? Yes, Urahara was painfully curious, and he wanted to at least tell whoever this person was that he'd rectified everything wrong. But still, Urahara wasn't sure. He took a deep breath and pressed the send button.

It was now ringing. With each pulse of noise he could feel his heartbeat come harder and harder in his chest. One ring, two rings, three rings, four...

Someone picked up.

"Hello?" Said Urahara.

A disconnected signal now howled into Urahara's ears. He shook his head. Did somebody just hang up on him?

He put the number on redial. Someone picked up again.

"Excuse me, but are you..."

The beeping again filled his ears. Somebody had picked up though, right?

Urahara took a deep breath and called again. If this didn't work, he'd give it a rest.

xXx

"What on earth are you doing!?" Mayuri growled. He snatched the phone out of Nemu's hands and put it up to the side of his head. Unfortunately the caller on the other end had already hung up.

Nemu looked up at him, eyes flat. "You told me to hang up on anyone who was not a captain."

"That was last night, you dullard!" Mayuri looked over the number that had been calling, which unhelpfully said Private Line. "Ugh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you..."

"My greatest apologies, Mayuri-sama."

With a sigh, Mayuri went back into the menu and tried to get the phone to call the most recent caller.

A busy signal. Was this mystery caller trying to call back again and he was missing it?

He placed the phone on an end table and stared at it, willing it to ring. Finally, the faceplate of the phone flashed with blue lights before beginning to ring. Mayuri deftly grabbed it and hit the button to pick up the call.

xXx

"Hello?" Urahara asked, half expecting another disconnect. He had decided that the last call would be his last try, but after getting a busy signal, he had to try again.

"Hello?" Another voice echoed after him.

Now, Urahara understood.

The voice on the other end of the line was full and sultry. It had a timbre that was sweet and warm like honey, with a husky undertone, a bit like a purring cat. Just hearing it made his hair stand on end. He wanted to hear it speak more, to speak the unspeakable words that he wanted to hear right now. He wondered what it sounded like screaming and moaning...

Yes, he understood exactly why people had been calling her all night. If he wasn't such a gentleman, and wasn't so sober, he might do the exact same thing. But Urahara was stronger than that. If he wanted to hear this voice again, he'd have to take a different approach.

"Hello? Is anybody there?" The voice asked again. "Honestly, what is wrong with people-"

"Hello?" Urahara snapped out of his spacing out. "I just wanted to talk to you. May I ask who is speaking?"

"You don't know who this is?" The scornful twinge that colored the voice was like something out of his wildest femdom fantasies. Oh holy...wow...this was something...

"No," answered Urahara. He laughed playfully. "But, if you'd tell me, your name gets mine."

A heavy, impatient sounding sigh answered him. "I don't have time for games. It doesn't matter anyway. State your business."

Urahara played with the brim of his hat as he talked. "I'm sorry, but I witnessed some people harassing you last night on the phone."

"Yes. I suppose you want to do it too?" The voice dripped with condescension.

"Quite the opposite. I was calling to tell you that someone had written your number on the wall of a bar that I frequent, but I made sure that the number was removed. You are safe now."

"My number? That's impossible. I haven't given it to anyone outside of work."

"Well, perhaps the number that they wrote down is wrong, and yours was put up instead?" Urahara offered. "Just one number different can really cause problems."

"Perhaps." The voice on the other end of the line paused. "You said that you've removed my number from wherever it was?"

"Why yes, of course, my lady." Urahara fidgeted in his sheets. "I wouldn't want a pretty girl like you to be harassed so awfully by men who don't deserve you."

Urahara had to pull his ear away from the receiver at the sheer volume of the laughter on the other end of the line.

"You must be deaf. I am no woman."

No woman? Urahara frowned. Maybe it was a metaphorical thing? No matter. This was a first conversation after all.

"Right, right." Urahara yawned.

"Do you have anything else constructive to say?"

Urahara jolted his body straight. "Eh? Umm, well, I wanted to at least tell you that you have nothing to worry about."

"Ah yes. You have my gratitude for that, but I am a very busy person. I'd rather not be bothered anymore. Good night."

"But, wait can I-"

The voice on the other side of the line was gone. Urahara went to press the redial, but stopped. He couldn't get enough of that voice, but if he kept calling her, he'd be no different from those other guys. He'd just have to try again tomorrow.

And, now that he had the number, he could use it to try and find out some more information about the owner... He had his work cut out for him tomorrow.

xXx

Mayuri had a wonderfully easy night. Not a single peep out of the phone since his last caller, but still, he couldn't find himself in the mood for sleep. He wandered into the laboratory and sat down in front of one of the computer monitors.

He typed a few keystrokes and brought up one of the gigai voice projects. There it was, all of the information on the statistics behind the shinigami voice. It was a combination of the size of the larynx and the stiffness of the cartilage that led to voice types. It was important to match the vocal anatomy of a gigai to its shinigami, otherwise missions would be rife with communication mishaps.

Mayuri pulled out the data on his own voice. Sure his voice fell outside the generic baritone range that covered the majority of male voices, but it was not like he was up in the countertenor range that could be easily mistaken for a gruff sounding woman. Mayuri would never be a very big person, nor did he wish to be, so a deep booming voice would just be bizarre anyhow. He quite liked the tessitura of his voice, if he was being honest. It was unique, distinctive, colorful.

He stared at the graphs and the 3-D model of his voicebox that was used to create gigais for himself. Try as he might, he didn't understand what could possibly make his voice be mistaken for female. That accusation had really thrown him off guard.

"Uh, Director?"

Akon stood in the doorway, sipping a cup of coffee. He shoved what looked like a data drive into his pocket as quickly as he could.

"Hello Akon. Burning the midnight oil, are you?" Mayuri was curious as to what Akon had on the drive.

"If you need to use the laboratory, I won't disturb you." Akon turned on a heel and began to walk out the door.

"Nonsense. I could use the company. Or are you too busy now?"

Akon screwed his eyes shut tight. He wasn't getting out of this one.

"No, I didn't have much planned anyhow." Akon turned back around and tried very hard not to let his reluctance show through.

"It's okay if you did," said Mayuri, goading Akon. "I don't mind."

Bullshit! Akon scratched his head."What I possibly have to do that's more important than work?" He answered.

Ah, Akon knew this game. It was the passive-aggressive game. Everybody in the 12th who had been there a few years knew how to play. Threats of bodily harm or experimentation were only reserved for certain kinds of offenses and certain kinds of people. If you lived long enough in the 12th to become an asset to the division, you entered a shaky, yet fully reciprocal protective bond with Mayuri. Of course, there were still circumstances which could lead to your demise...but still, avoiding those situations was common sense.

Akon sat down at the table adjacent to Mayuri.

"Akon, have you ever had trouble with building the voice box of a gigai?"

"Nah, the 3-D scans we get from everyone tends to give the right anatomy." Akon gulped down his coffee. "The hardest part is getting the tension of the tissues correct, but even if it's a little off, most people don't notice that something is wrong."

"I see." Mayuri scrolled further down in his file, but didn't find anything of interest.

"If anything, it's a problem in the hearing receptors reacting to a voice, not a problem with the voice itself," Akon continued.

Mayuri's eyes flashed. That had to be it. It wasn't him, it was the other person's phone, giving the wrong frequencies!

"Yes, I thought so too." Mayuri studied Akon's expression for anything else hidden. He couldn't find anything. "It's difficult to confuse a male voice with a female one, don't you think?"

Akon jumped. A female voice for a male one? It was getting a little close for comfort all of the sudden.

"I'm sure nobody could confuse your voice with that of a woman," he said, as reassuringly as possible. "Well," he stopped and thought. "Actually, the way you speak has a rather musical feeling to it. Female voices are usually more lyrical since children learn to speak faster from women with more exaggerated pitch patterns. You know, evolution and all that."

"I don't recall ever saying that I was worried about my voice, Akon." Mayuri raised an eyebrow.

Oh shit! Akon squinted to see the data on Mayuri's screen. "Right. I just thought, since you had your own voice data up and...sorry, my mistake."

Mayuri laughed. "Oh, don't worry. I just like to see you sweat." He got up. "I'm done now anyway."

"Oh, well if there was anything you needed me to do..." Akon offered.

Mayuri still wondered about the drive that he thought he saw Akon shove in his pockets. "What did you come here to do?"

"Just finish up a few reports. Nothing much."

"On what?"

Akon was really unhappy with this development. "Rin sent some new data back from the human world. That's all. Nothing interesting."

"Is that what was on the drive?" Asked Mayuri.

"What drive?" Akon smiled. He pulled the pockets of his lab coat inside out, carefully hiding the memory stick from view at the same time. He could feel the sweat drip down his temple.

"Oh," said Mayuri, still eyeing Akon, not quite believing, but he let it go. "It's getting late, isn't it."

"You had a rough night last night. I'm glad to see that blocking those callers worked out for the best."

"Yes." Mayuri yawned. He walked towards the exit. "Good night, Akon."

When the door clicked behind Mayuri, Akon let out a sigh of relief. After all, that drive had all of the recorded phone conversations from last night. Like hell he was giving any of that up. Quality entertainment was harder to come by these days, and Akon wasn't the best person to give idle time.

xXx

It was mid afternoon on a Monday. Business was usual, but as usual, that wasn't too much. Urahara brought up the web browser and typed the phone number into it. The browser searched, bringing up several reverse look up phone directories. Nothing seemed to fit into the digits given. The most he was able to find was some person complaining about getting a call from that number, but nobody being on the line. That couldn't be right.

He studied the area code. He knew that cell phones weren't always tied to a person's current residence, but sometimes it could give a clue. It seemed to be for somebody in Karakura town or the surrounding area, but there was just something weird about the numbers.

"Tessai-san!" Urahara called out.

"Yes?" A head poked up from between some boxes.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about this telephone number, would you?" Urahara nodded his head towards the computer.

Tessai sauntered over and squinted at the screen, but a look of recognition quickly flashed over his eyes. "Yes, this number is a recently created one."

"You don't say..." Urahara muttered.

"Yes, just recently in the Seireitei, a block of numbers was released to be used for phones that will be used by shinigami who require a transdimensional communicator in their phone for work. Resident shinigami workers and the like." Tessai rubbed his moustache. "I know that we'll be getting some new stock in that uses these numbers."

"Interesting." Urahara mused. "I wonder what the number for one was doing on the restroom wall of the izakaya down the road."

"Now that's odd." Tessai cocked his head. "I'm not sure. As far as I know, people aren't supposed to have these numbers yet, even though the space has been freed for them."

They both stared at the number for a while, pondering its secrets.

Tessai continued thoughtfully. "You know, that number has an extension on the end. 12. Might be for 12th squad. It would make sense if they got it early since they do the technological developments after all."

Urahara fidgeted with his sleeve. That did make some sense. He still had plenty of communications open with the 12th division, but he didn't know everything that happened over there. It'd been a while since he'd gone over to visit, too. And the last time he visited, Mayuri had scheduled himself out with fieldwork, so he hadn't gotten to have the leisurely scientific conversations that he had wanted to have about a few things.

Tessai went back to work moving boxes of things from the back storage rooms to the front.

So this woman had something to do with the 12th division, huh? This mystery voice grew more and more intriguing. The voice, it was so sexy, and probably did science too... Was she a member or was she part of a trial or something? Oh, he just had to find out!

Maybe he could ask Akon for more information about this number on the downlow, since he knew that Rin was still in the human world. Urahara picked up his phone and made a very familiar call.