A/N: Taro Yamada (male) and Hanako Yamada (female) are the Japanese equivalents for the English names John Doe and Jane Roe, like to describe an unnameable person.

"Hello?" Akon held onto the receiver for the phone at his desk.

"Akon-san! Long time, no see! This is Urahara!"

Yes, he already knew this was Urahara, as Urahara was the only person who ever called him in the middle of the day for no real reason at all. Urahara always kept up a pretense of friendliness, but Akon never could shake the suspicion that there was something else that the man wanted from it. Urahara was too nosy, too clever, and Akon could tell when he was fishing for something new and interesting. That was the point of manipulation. Akon knew after all, because he did it too.

"Is there something you need?" said Akon as he typed into his computer at the same time. "I'm sure we're both quite busy."

"Aha! Well, I was just wondering a few things. I know the academy graduation was not long ago...did you guys happen to recruit any pretty girls from this crop of fresh talent?"

Akon frowned. This was pretty typical so far. "We did get some new people. I don't remember how many of 'em were girls, but I try not to mix my business with my pleasure."

"Aww. Yes, you always were the cautious type."

"Any particular reason?" Akon grunted.

"No, no. Just my mind running away with me. I could use a little office romance myself, but I work with all the wrong people," Urahara complained with a sigh.

Akon yawned. "Is that it?"

"Oh, there was this one phone number I came across the other day. Tessai told me it was from a block of numbers that had been released from the Seireitei. I was curious as to who it belonged to, since I can't look it up from here. It's not in a public directory." Urahara's voice remained as cheerful as ever. "Would you mind doing it for me?"

"So you want me to snoop for you?" Akon said.

"That's such an ugly word, Akon-san," Urahara whined. "I only want a name."

"Yeah, yeah." Akon grinned. "Once I give you the name, you'll do your own footwork from there."

"You're so mean."

"Hey, I never said I wouldn't tell you." Akon sat back in his chair. "So, what's the number?"

Akon typed the digits as Urahara spoke them. The computer idled as it searched. A text box appeared on the screen telling him that it was a restricted number. No...that couldn't be...

"The search isn't showing me anything. Are you sure that's the right number?"

Akon entered in his security clearance as assistant director to the SRDI. Yes, yes it was...

"I figured since it had an extension 12 that maybe it was somebody in your division..." Urahara mused.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri. It was on the list of the captain's numbers. Oh, holy shit.

Akon thought about the earlier conversation about new girls in the 12th division. Now things were starting to make a little more sense. How deliciously ironic! Of all of the people whose hands that number could have fallen into, it just had to be Urahara. Though if he had told Rin to write the number down in an izakaya bathroom...he wasn't sure he wanted to know if it was often that Urahara called women advertized on men's room walls, or if this was just for the sake of serendipity. Ewww.

"Well, I'm sorry I can't be of any help. Have you called the number yet?" Asked Akon.

"Oh, no," said Urahara. "Do you go around calling numbers of people you don't know?"

Liar. Liar liar liar. Akon knew it. "I dunno. Maybe if I thought it belonged to a pretty girl, I just might dial it."

"How bold, Akon-san!" Urahara's voice grew even more furtive. "After all, what would Hisagi-san say if he found out? Is there trouble in paradise?"

A vein bulged in Akon's forehead. He and the vice-captain of the 9th squad had an...arrangement with each other, and there was only one way Urahara could know about that. Fucking pervert. Urahara just wanted to saber rattle, to make a show of what he did know, even though he begged Akon for what he didn't.

"I think he'd ask her to join us," Akon said sweetly.

"Wouldn't she be lucky!"

Akon scrunched up his nose and then relaxed it. "Okay, okay. I'll look into that number for you. Since it's new, maybe all of the information hasn't been put in the database. I can ask the Director about it if you like. It might be in one of his secret projects."

"Oh, no. Mayuri-san doesn't need to be bothered by something as trivial as this. But do tell him that the invitation for tea still stands. And that the Body Worlds 6 exhibit has come to Tokyo and I have an extra ticket available for any time he wants to go. He needs a vacation, and Ururu misses Nemu, too. She followed Nemu around like she was her older sister when she last came, it was adorable."

Akon chewed on an already short fingernail. He knew that Urahara had always been fond of Mayuri, much to the man's dismay...but when they had all lived together more than a century ago, he had been naught but a child. He didn't fully comprehend their "friendship", but it's not like Mayuri wore his heart on his sleeve like Urahara did. But he would say that for all that Mayuri complained about Urahara, he seemed to calm down immensely in his presence. Not that Mayuri was ever completely defanged, but some of the instability inside of him settled when Urahara was there to support him in his ventures.

"Yeah, I'll tell him, but don't blame me if the answer's the same as always."

"Wonderful. Thank you Akon-san. I appreciate your help in this matter. I hope you call back with good news! Bye now!"

Akon relaxed as he slammed the phone back down on the hook. He had bought himself some more time, but Urahara would be back, he knew it. Things could go from ironic to hilarious or from out of control to a train wreck. He'd have to go through Mayuri's phone logs to keep on top of things, as the players in the game were headstrong and crafty. But still, as far as fun diversions that he created went, this one had gone much further than he expected, and he couldn't wait to see what happened next.

xXx

Mayuri shut the doors to his room. He had made some headway in his current experiments, which was good. Better than the alternative, anyway. Nemu had stayed behind to help everyone clean up, so he'd be alone for a little while longer. It was strange. As much as Mayuri got annoyed with other people, being alone sometimes was just so...boring. Even his mind emptied sometimes and needed something else to fill it.

He reached into his pocket to where the phone was. As much as sexual harassment wasn't his cup of tea, getting phone calls was something new. Occasionally he got correspondences with the other captains, but usually they delegated the task of talking to him to somebody else, like a lieutenant. Usually people 'dealt' with Mayuri rather than taking the time to truly interact with him. It was fine by him for the most part. It was their loss.

The last person that had called him, though. His voice was strangely familiar, but he just couldn't place it. No, he felt like he should know it. But he wasn't going to be the one who asked for the name, oh no. Not when that person clearly knew who he was and was holding it over his head! He had to be lying when he said that he didn't know who Mayuri was; people didn't just call for no reason at all. The caller id had said Private Line, but maybe he could look it up somehow.

Mayuri hooked his phone up to the computer in his room and started searching the data banks for something useful. Eventually he was able to untangle a number. This person was probably calling from a real world number, so Mayuri tapped the internet for sources rather than anything in Soul Society. At last, a number and a name came up. It was a cell phone, so no address came up, but there was a single name.

Yamada Taro. All in romanji, no kanji to individuate the syllables.

Mayuri squinted at the name. Was this a joke? That was a placeholder name! The name they put on fake credit cards. That was the equivalent of searching for John Smith in an English speaking country. It was like searching for a Mr. Patel in India! There had to be something else.

At least now that he had the number, even if the name was a dud, if he got to the living world he could track it. He had developed a machine that could locate cell phones by their numbers in order to keep tabs on shinigami who went into the real world and got sucked a little too far into it. Now he needed to somehow get to the real world for a while...

Oh right! He remembered something about Nemu saying that the Shinigami Women's Association was heading to the real world for a shopping trip this weekend. He didn't have much time to prepare, but he could make it! He had an opposite sex gigai that he could dress up in Nemu's clothing for a little while, but he hadn't gotten done with the finishing touches yet. Yes...that meant that a bunch of shinigami with high level reiatsu going into that world wouldn't stick out. And, it gave him an alias! Perfect!

His jubilation was cut short as the phone rang. Mayuri jumped. He picked up the phone immediately.

"Hello," said the voice on the other end of the line, the same voice he'd been pondering since he last hung up.

"Hello yourself," sneered Mayuri. "It says this number belongs to a certain Yamada Taro, is that true?"

"Ah, I see you looked me up." The voice on the other end of the line laughed merrily. "But I'll only be Yamada Taro if you'll be my lovely Hanako."

Mayuri frowned. This was on purpose! It wasn't his real name at all! Who in the real world would do this? (Well, actually he could see the merit.) It was something only a paranoid shut-in would do. But then he called him Hanako? That was a girl's name!

"I've already told you once, I am no woman! Your phone is obviously malfunctioning," Mayuri snarled.

"My goodness, that always gets you so upset! I apologize. Perhaps I've been insensitive." The voice on the other end of the phone paused. "I support people no matter what gender they identify with. Gender is between the ears, not between the legs."

Mayuri squinted in confusion. Yes, he agreed with the statement, but that meant something completely different! That didn't describe him at all!

"No, you idiot! I have a fully functional X and Y chromosome and everything that biologically comes with it."

"Everything?" The voice teased.

"Yes," said Mayuri. "There's no need to be crass."

"Do you have a camera?" The words were playful.

"What are you getting at?" Mayuri did not like this.

"Pics or it's not true."

Mayuri slammed his hand down on the table beside him. "I am not photographing any part of my body to prove to you anything about myself."

"Awww. I can send you some of me? They're all worksafe. Unless you don't want them to be..."

"No! That's the last thing that I want!" Mayuri growled. "I'm done talking to you."

He hung up and slammed the phone down on the table. He stood up, pacing around the room. If this constant harassment was something that women seemed to face all of the time, maybe there was some sort of anti-harassment application for a cell phone that he could invent and then sell. If he was ever in dire straits, he could get some sort of exception made for him by the communications department. But for someone else, somewhere outside the 12th, maybe it would fill a need. He'd have to bounce some ideas off of Akon later.

The phone on the table beeped loudly. A text?

Mayuri opened the phone and read it. "Sorry. Can I try again?" it read.

Sorry... He stared at it for a while. There was no flurry of messages, no further calls to get his attention. Just a simple apology. Dare he say that it was somewhat refreshing? Then, surprising even him, he hit the reply button. The phone rang, and the other end of the line picked up

"Ah, you've called me back!" He said. "I was afraid that I had lost you. I can go a little too far in play, even when I'm trying to be gentle. It's a bad habit. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Hmm." Mayuri drummed his fingers on the table. "I'll say it's forgiven, but it's certainly not forgotten."

"You're a very cautious one. I like that." The quality of the voice was tinny as he laughed. "I suppose we don't know much about each other. But let's do it this way. You don't have to tell me about yourself. Let me guess."

"Sure, that's fair." Mayuri sat back. He didn't have to be entirely truthful if he didn't want to be.

"Based on your number, if I had to guess, you don't live in Karakura town."

"You are correct. Am I correct in assuming that you do?" Mayuri pried.

"Yes, I most definitely live in Karakura town. I live where I work, with a few friends!" His tone was bright and open.

Mayuri had to wonder why he was adding extra information.

"I'll keep going then...though forgive me if it gets weird." The voice became smoother. "Actually, if I'm being bold, I'd say you don't even live in my world. You're not even human."

Mayuri grinned. This cat and mouse feeling was awakening something in him. "If I'm not human, O mysterious one, then what would I be?"

"You're a shinigami, and you work for the Gotei 13."

Mayuri knew it. "Well, then, I think that means that you're not a human either."

"Oho! I try my best." The voice was hesitant. "Let me guess your squad. With the extension on the number, you're part of the 12th. This phone must be some sort of secret trial project."

"Are you sure you don't know who I am?" said Mayuri. It seems that this person might be telling the truth to him, but something still didn't sit quite right. And right now, he knew nothing about the caller. "You better not be wasting my time."

"Nah, this is all off the top of my head." The voice was light. "I bet you're an amazing scientist. I can tell."

"How?" Mayuri was skeptical.

"I happen to be a scientist of sorts myself, don't you see?"

"Of sorts? Are you or aren't you? There is no in between," said Mayuri pointedly.

From there, Mayuri argued with him over theories and experiments, throwing in little catches to see if he'd bite. This man hit back at everything he asked, going even deeper in some subjects, and opening up new paths. He was well educated to say the least, and Mayuri wondered what he'd be like in a more realistic problem solving situation. He grilled him for new information, ravenous like a wolf, savoring the taste of new blood in his mouth.

He both liked this, and didn't like it at all. He had no control over this, the conversations, the topics, the flow of knowledge. He didn't know this person, and this person didn't know him either, so he held no authority, no power. But still, he couldn't make himself shut up and hang up the phone. He kept walking deeper and deeper down the corridors of this other man's mind, looking for an end, an exit, some kind of out. However, nothing more but depth was to be found.

The time went from 10 PM to 2 AM. He didn't notice Nemu slip through into the room, and he nearly jumped out of his skin when she lightly tapped his shoulder.

"Mayuri-sama, it is 2 AM. Is there something I can do to help make you ready for the night?"

Angrily he waved her away, but then it dawned on him.

He had just had a conversation with this stranger, without once wondering whether or not his time was being wasted. He was talking to someone who was knowledgeable in the sciences, who was an inventor, and who could keep up with his thoughts. He had even gotten some new ideas as his mind naturally fused the new information this stranger fed him with his own experiences. Dare he say, he was actually a little excited?

Nemu tried again, reaching for him with a gentle hand. "Mayuri-sama?"

Mayuri cleared his throat. "Oh, it seems I've lost track of time."

"Time flies when you're having fun."

"Hmmm. I suppose, " Mayuri wondered.

Mayuri was still letting the strange feeling settle in his stomach. It had been a long time since he'd simply sat and talked to somebody. Akon was probably the closest thing he had to a friend, but even Akon had a certain singularity to him that just preferred to get shit done rather than to pontificate. He was incredibly smart, which is why Mayuri kept him around, but his style of thinking was much less abstract in character, more earthy. He brought something more grounding to the table in a brainstorm, while Mayuri swooped down on it from above.

This was different; this was very different.

"I guess I should be going, too. After all, I can't keep up my sexy, sexy appearance without any beauty sleep!" The man laughed. "After all, I understand the itch to go and create something, but you should rest up, too."

Mayuri sat in silence, now letting himself process everything even more.

"Good bye now!" The voice on the phone was chipper as it signed off, not waiting for Mayuri's answer.

Mayuri didn't move. Maybe it was more true to say that he couldn't.

"Are you all right, Mayuri-sama?" Nemu hunched into his field of view, meekly vying for his attention.

"Yes, Nemu, I am fine." He broke his stare off into space and put the phone down.

He had to learn more about this person. While this man knew the broad generals of Mayuri's life, Mayuri knew nothing about his. If this person was the genuine artifact, which he seemed to be in conversation, Mayuri couldn't believe that he didn't know this person at all. Something was very very weird, and it made him uneasy. While he liked the puzzle, the uncertainty of it all was maddening.

That's it. He was certainly going to the real world.

"Nemu," he called.

"Yes?" She answered.

"When is that shopping trip that you told me about?" Mayuri thumbed through a calendar trying to see if he had it somewhere.

"It's tomorrow," she said. "Is that a problem? If you need me to stay, I'll send a message to-"

"Please get the reiatsu harmonizing gigai ready for me," Mayuri interrupted. "I plan to go with you."

Nemu looked slightly surprised, but there was no way in hell she was going to question anything.

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

xXx

In the morning, Mayuri sprung awake, even though he hadn't slept well. Nemu stood beside him already dressed and ready, now in a casual sundress style that he rarely saw her wear. Such things were horribly impractical to wear in the lab.

Next to her was his gigai. This gigai was first and foremost a secret. Mayuri had ways to infiltrate any situation, and this one was no different. Nemu existed for most situations that called for a female body, but Nemu couldn't do everything that Mayuri was capable of. Sometimes he had to take matters into his own hands.

Mayuri fit himself into the gigai. In this form, he was a little shorter than Nemu. He stared at himself in the mirror as his daughter-cum-lieutenant approached him with several different clothing ensembles in her arms. His hair was long and royal blue, cascading down to almost his waist. The frame of the body was delicate, what his would have been like had the testosterone in his body been muted long ago; but he was still somewhat wiry in build, his legs weren't full enough to touch at the top. This gigai had a rather generous bust line, but it was not nearly as impressive as Nemu-he'd rather not have to deal with the backaches for the sake of vanity.

He grabbed the black tank top from Nemu and put it on, fastening the adjustable built in bra. Carefully, he zipped up the dark jean miniskirt that fit his hips like a glove. From there, he stepped into the black long shanked leather boots that gave him a little more height in the heel at least.

"You look good, Mayuri-sama," said Nemu softly.

"If I must masquerade as a female, I'm not going to do it as an ugly one."

Mayuri coughed at the sound of his own voice. He thought he had the voice modulator installed in this one? What he heard was his voice all right, but that wouldn't sound normal coming from any girl.

"I thought the voice transfer system on this gigai was done..." Mayuri eyed Nemu suspiciously.

"Akon-san said he'd have the missing piece by this morning, he'll be here any..."

There was a knock on the door, but the visitor didn't wait to open it afterwards.

Akon stood in the doorway with his arms crossed. He smirked at Mayuri. "Damn. Who's the hottie, Nemu?"

"This is my cousin-"

"Hush, Nemu, he knows it's me." Mayuri said dryly. "The cod is trying to be funny."

Akon burst out laughing at the sound of the unmoderated voice coming out of Mayuri's gigai. "Here, we gotta fix that."

He pulled out a syringe with a microchip in it. "This is gonna hurt..."

"Just do it already."

Akon stabbed the chip into the neck of Mayuri's gigai. The chip stung as it made connections with the relevant structures in the gigai. Mayuri grimaced as the burning sensation intensified and then finally died away.

"Try it now," said Akon.

"How do I sound?" said Mayuri.

Akon's eyes went wide. This new voice smoldered. Though he had listened to the phone conversations that Mayuri had been in (and they had been hilarious), the recorder didn't transpose the sex of his voice. If this was what the transposer did to Mayuri's voice, the specific pitches and timbre of it...he couldn't have asked for anything better.

"You'll have to beat 'em off with a stick," said Akon, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. "Hell, I didn't know it was you, I'd hit it."

"What was that, Akon?' Mayuri said as he fussed with his hair.

"Oh, nothing."

Mayuri grabbed the cigarette from his hand, finally noticing it as Akon held it up to his lighter. "Akon, how many times do I have to tell you? You may not smoke in my room or in my office! You get ashes everywhere!"

Akon chuckled. "Sorry, Director. Old habit, you know."

Mayuri grumbled. "It's fine. Akon, get out of here. And if you tell anybody about this I will personally see to it that you are-"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it." Akon waved his arm. "Rat under penalty of excruciating, yet scientific torture, without any sight of the sweet release of death. I'll bring you the tools myself." He sauntered back out into the hallway, door slamming shut behind him.

Mayuri searched through the bag of cosmetics that Nemu had brought out. Sure, it was weird going out without a more elaborate design on his face, but he wasn't going to wear nothing. A dark wine lipstick, smoky grey eyeliner around his golden eyes on top of a metallic eyeshadow, a pale pressed powder for his fair skin.

"Okay Nemu, let's go."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

Mayuri cringed. "You can't call me that while I'm like this. How about you call me...hmmm, what's an easy to remember girl's name?"

"Mayuri is kind of like Sayuri, would that work?" Nemu offered.

"Excellent Nemu! You're on the ball today!" Mayuri thrust out his chest. "I am Kurotsuchi Sayuri, your visiting cousin, here to join the Women's Shinigami Association on its semiannual living world shopping trip!"

"Yes, of course!" Nemu absolutely glowed with the praise.

Mayuri filed out behind Nemu, ready to go out the meeting place and join the rest of the Shinigami Women's Association. This wasn't a bad idea, but somehow Mayuri couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't a good one either...