Gandalf was a guest amongst the Mirkwood elves, since the wedding incident, Thranduil and the wizard had taken up a sort of companionship. Mostly filled with bad mouthing Thorin and belittling his marriage to the male hobbit, Bilbo.
They were at the dining table, chatting about the foolish dwarf king when Thranduil started talking of his own sons love life.
"I thought I had it bad, little Legolas falling for that lowly Silven elf. But I told her to know her place, that she should not give him hope where there was none. I think the little tramp finally gave up, though Legolas still talks about her, the silly boy." He huffed, wishing his child would have some common sense and stop his infatuation.
"Well, at least they're of the same race, unlike the dwarf and hobbit." Gandalf commented.
"Even so, I would rather have my manhood seized than to see those two together!" He voiced his strict opinion.
"Being eunuch isn't all that terrible..." Gandalf, having sipped a bit too much of the potent, elvish wine, spoke openly towards the king. Thranduil looked at his guest questioningly, never having suspected the wizard a eunuch.
"How did this happen?" He inquired, ready to hear a story.
"I was a bit younger than I am today, I had met a very charismatic sorceress, and we found enjoyment in each others company. That all changed, one day. We were speaking with the elves of Lothlórien, and of course Lady Galadriel made an appearance, and apparently when she did I had a strange look on my face. A look that cost me my manhood, it was a painful thing."
"I was accused of eyeing the Lady Galadriel as if she were the fairest of them all, and when I simply stated that she was the fairest of them all, before I knew it she took a knife and sliced me! I believe she still has them as a trophy, hanging on her mantle, waiting to see if I'll come one day to retrieve them." He ended his little tale, the elf king shaking his head and looking at the wizard in awe.
"I thought wizards were smart individuals, a clever man would have known not to answer their lady the way you did. Men lie to their beloved's all the time to keep the peace, what ever made you speak so truthfully?" He questioned the guest, dumbfounded at the wizards actions of so very long ago.
"Ah, who could lie about Lady Galadriel's beauty? I simply couldn't. Do you think it would have been easy to lie to your wife if she had asked the same question?" Gandalf asked his own question of the king.
"I suppose her beauty is a thing anyone would have a hard time fibbing about. Yet still, a high cost for stating only the obvious, it's not as if you were smitten with Lady Galadriel." The king of Mirkwood commented, taking notice with his keen elf eyes how Gandalf's eyes twinkled wistfully, his lips smiling as he sipped more wine.
"You give yourself away, wizard. Your eyes say it all. So, you feel affectionate towards the elf Lady of Light, yet renounce the hobbit marrying a dwarf? Fascinating." He smugly grinned, getting a cough and a humph from the wizard.
"She's beautiful. I'm not courting her by any means, it's a completely different situation!" Gandalf heatedly explained, hating the look on his hosts face.
"Say what you will, I'll not argue." Thandriul winked in a toying manner, frustrating Gandalf more with his behavior.
"You know, it's rather a funny thing. Not too long ago I thought I spotted a wood elf sneaking around the halls within the lonely mountain. Now I don't know why a she-elf would be visiting, but maybe you would." Gandalf spoke his words out of his own miffed feelings.
"You must have been seeing things, my elves don't frolic with those dwarfs..." Thandriul insisted, his fuzzy dark brows furrowing as he watched his guest smirk.
"Ah, well then, it must have been another type of elf sneaking out of one of Thorin Oakenshield's nephews rooms. After all, that'd be a very disreputable elf, sleeping with a dwarf." He had a stare down with the king for a long moment, until the king coughed to clear his throat.
"Again, I believe you were seeing things. Any elf of mine caught doing that type of treacherous act would be exiled." He informed Gandalf, the wizard merely shrugged his shoulders calmly, sipping his drink with a cool expression on his face, unlike his host.
Their private moment was interrupted as two guards lead in two young dwarf males.
"King Thandriul, these dwarfs were sent to find our guest, the wizard Gandalf." One guard bowed and informed his superior.
"Ah, had Thorin a greater need of my guest? We're busy, come back later." He was about to wave them away, but one lad started talking urgently.
"Gandalf you must come with us, Bilbo's acting strangely and we need your help!" The blonde dwarf hurriedly pleaded to the gray wizard.
"Please, Gandalf! We don't know what's the matter with him!" The darker haired youth added. As he spoke, a long auburn haired she-elf, Tauriel to be precise, popped her head in to eye the dwarf. Her presence caught his attention quickly, the idiot dumbly smiling as he waved lightly, making her hide her form quickly at the act.
"Bilbo's sick? Why don't you use a doctor?" Gandalf shrugged, not too keen on the idea of returning.
"But it's not something a doctor can fix, you're smart, we need you to figure out the hobbit's problem." Fili explained, eyeing the lightly buzzed wizard with doe like eyes.
"Probably taking too much of a pounding and ripped his hobbit hole. Go ahead, Gandalf, go sew the hobbit up so that he can get ripped all over again." Thandriul's words were not well received, both young dwarfs frowning at him, the wizard choking on his wine and glaring daggers at the foul mouthed king.
"I wish you wouldn't speak so nastily!" Gandalf hissed at his host, his mood ruined for that evening. "Fine, I'll come with you." He sighed, unhappily going, but figuring it was the honest and right thing to do. As the wizard stood and gave a farewell to the elf king, the group slowly exiting the dining room, Tauriel softly made her way into the room.
She was trying to walk past without being noticed, but her king had other things in mind.
"Tauriel, come here." He ordered her, watching as she held a stiff posture, her eyes guarded as she stood before her king quietly.
"Tell me, Tauriel, why did that dwarf wave at you." He inquired.
"Sire, he was the dwarf I saved from being poisoned. " She hollowly answered him.
"Ah, that one. My son has mentioned this dwarf before, it seems to him that the young dwarf had a crush on you. Tell me, do you like him?" His question made her posture more tense, eyes staying blank as she answered no.
"I see. You know, our guest Gandalf seems to think one of us has been venturing over to the mountain. Has been sleeping with one of the dwarf kings nephews. So you can imagine my concern at seeing the young dwarf recognizing you." He eyed her cooly, his feelings telling him that she was most certainly hiding something.
"A terrible misunderstanding I am sure." She spoke, the king raising a brow curiously.
"See, I'm not so sure. How about you follow them discreetly and see if you notice any elves sneaking about the mountain. Report back after our wizard friend is done servicing the hobbit." He instructed the elf, receiving a bow as she left to do as he wished. Shortly after, his son came by to see how his father was.
"Legolas, I want you to follow Tauriel. Discreetly so, I've sent her on a mission. You're to see how she performs. That is all." He calmly ordered his son. This was the only way Legolas could truly see the error in his ways, that Tauriel wasn't the right elf for him.
Legolas dutifully did as his father asked, heading out to follow the lass and watch her actions. Thandriul was cunning, he felt assured that his decisions would give him the end result he so desired. What other possibility could there be?
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Ever travel with a lightly buzzed wizard? It involved a lot of odd mumbling and shuffling, along with random whacks to the noggin from his large wooden staff. Gandalf was being lightly ornery to the nephews, from time to time he'd zap them lightly, making them yipe like a wounded wolf and eye him deploringly.
"Explain, if you will, how the hobbit has been acting." He asked of the nephews as they traveled onward.
"Well for one, he's gained a large amount of weight! Uncle just told us Bilbo had to wear a pair of his trousers, that Bilbo's old ones wouldn't fit anymore." Kili started.
"He's probably gained it so much because of that huge appetite he's had lately. Chowing down dwarf sized meals, some days I wonder if he could give Bomber a challenge when it comes to eating." Fili added his two cents on the topic.
"Then there's the mood swings. He's happy one minute, and then the next he goes crazy and chops off every goose head within the city of Dale! He's losing it Gandalf." Kili tisked, worried about his hobbit friend.
"Strange, very strange..." The wizard mumbled, twisting his beard in thought as they traveled. What ever could be the cause of all this? If he didn't know any better, and he did, the wizard was reminded of the symptoms a pregnant woman had. But Bilbo was male, and make hobbits simply didn't have babies, that was for certain! So? Maybe he was hexed? But who'd curse poor, innocent little Bilbo?
Gandalf would just have to see the hobbit for himself, perhaps then some light would shed upon them and their situation.
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The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien
A/N: Alright! Lots of stuff about to happen, Kili and his lady are possibly going to be found out by Legolas. Things could get dicy with Thorin dealing with his strange acting hobbit, and if Legolas goes ape over seeing his she-elf friend playing patty-cake, there could be minor blood shed... Glad you're reading and reviewing! Stay tuned, it's gonna get interesting!