"Uncle, can we talk for a minute?" Kili asked his kin, watching as Thorin motioned Dwalin to leave then for a moment. That look in Kili's eyes screamed private conversation, and that worried his uncle. Was the dwarf going to admit to his crimes, and tell Thorin about his negative actions with the female elf?
Kili crouched down next to the roaring camp fire, Thorin bent down and sat comfortably next to the fire, waiting and feeling nervous as his nephew took his sweet time to begin.
"Uncle, hypothetically speaking, as in, what if a dwarf did something, not that it's really happened or anything..."
"Kili, I know what hypothetical means. Go on already." Thorin urged his dark haired nephew.
Scratching his head awkwardly, Kili smiled uneasily at his uncle, "So, hypothetically speaking here, what would you do if you found out, lets just say Fili, was dating an elf?" He worded his question carefully, using his brothers name to fool Thorin.
Thorin knew exactly what the youth was trying to do, "Well, Kili. I'm afraid I'd have your brother taken out and killed." He was only kidding, but the look on Kili's face got very frightened.
"Kili, I'm joking." He sighed, watching relief fill the young dwarfs face, "Though in honesty, I wouldn't be too pleased with Fili. I'd hope that he'd see that elves weren't a good race to mix with and do the right thing and break up with her." He informed Kili.
"But uncle, what of Fili's elf girlfriend was going to be banned from her own home, because of her involvement with us dwarfs? Wouldn't you feel sorry for her?" He looked pleadingly at his uncle, wanting to hear some compassion from his mentor.
"That's her problem to deal with. I have enough dwarfs and a hobbit on my plate to take care of, I'm not going to take in an elf as well!" Thorin shook his head at the thought.
"But what if Fili really loves her, uncle?! Would you risk Fili leaving just to be with her?" He asked, receiving an odd look from Thorin.
"What do you mean, leave? No body leaves the mountain unless I say they can go! I'd drag his ass back and chain him in his room if I had to!"
Bilbo had been listening, eavesdropping really, and had heard enough to finally step in. "Thorin, you're being insensitive again." He spoke from behind the king, surprising him and making Thorin jump.
"Damn it Bilbo, don't pop out like that! What if I'd thrown a weapon at you?!" He scolded the hobbit.
Bilbo rolled his eyes at that as he sat down next to the dwarfs, "Thorin, you've got to look at this from a different point of view. What if you were in Ki...I mean Fili's position. What if your father forbid you from being with me?"
"I'd tell him to go to Hell." The dwarf responded, his eyes widening at the realization of how similar the cases were. But Bilbo hadn't been an elf! That was a major difference, elves and dwarfs just didn't get along, so why would an elf and dwarf seek out one another in companionship, when the whole thing was doomed to begin with?
"Bilbo's right, uncle. You married a hobbit after all, so what difference does it make if Fili wants to be with an elf?" Kili questioned, glad for the hobbit's support.
"Dwarfs aren't known enemies of Hobbits, unlike the elf race. That's the difference, Kili. Now I think I've heard enough for one night." Thorin stood from his seated position, looking down at his nephew who looked disappointed.
"This is all hypothetical talk anyway, right Kili? What makes any of this so important?" He was trying to give his kin the opportunity to confess.
"Right, hypothetical." He hollowly spoke, looking away from Thorin's stare and gazing sadly into the fire.
-0-0-
"You knew exactly why he was asking you all those questions! Why were you so cruel to him?" Bilbo chided his marching away companion. The hobbit was annoyed at Thorin's attitude towards Kili, so what if the fellow was in love with an elf? If he was truly happy with her, that's all that should matter in Bilbo's eyes.
"Oh, I knew what the little brat was getting at, I just wanted him to admit it, and he didn't! So why should I be lenient to him when he continues to lie to me?" Thorin prattled on, stopping and turning to face his following hobbit.
"Kili can't be with an elf, Bilbo! Can you imagine? 'Hello, I'm Thorin Oakenshield and this is my nephew, Kili and his harlot elf wife. Won't their babies look just adorable'?" He spat sarcastically, hurting Bilbo's feelings unintentionally in doing so.
The hobbit's hand rested on his stomach, his eyes cast down.
"Bilbo, I didn't mean..."
"Didn't mean what, Thorin? It's not like I'm carrying a monster child inside me or anything..." He was sarcastic, looking at the ground as he rubbed his plump tummy.
"Bilbo, you've been enchanted. It's not as if its mine you're carrying..."
"But what if it was, hmm? You seem so disgusted with the idea of mixed race babies, wouldn't our child gross you out as well?" He glared at the blank faced king.
"Bilbo, I care for you greatly, and if you were able to truly carry a babe without magic involved, I'd care for our child too. But since you can't have babies, this moment being an exception, there's no reason to even bring up the topic." Thorin stated his opinion, watching his companion shake his head.
"You're playing favorites, and that's unfair of you. That young dwarf was trying to have a heart to heart with you and you just treated him like a child! He's an adult now, Thorin, and he's looking for your blessing. If you don't give it willingly, he's bound to take off and run away with her some day, is that what you want?"
"Fili would still be around to inherit the kingdom, let the little troublemaker go if he's stupid enough to leave us!" Thorin stubbornly spoke, making his hobbit very sad.
-0-0-
That morning, Tauriel awoke from her resting spot to see a very familiar, and very unhappy looking elf.
"Legolas? You followed me?" She was completely shocked, looking at her friend worriedly, wondering what he was going to say. She was in trouble, that much was obvious by the look about his usually handsome face. The elf looked like he had been under the weather lately, his eyes slightly red and his body smelling of old vomit.
"I was told to watch you while at the Lonely Mountain. I followed you this far hoping you had a good reason for disobeying my fathers order. But now I see that's not the case. I saw you, Tauriel. With that dwarf last evening." He paused, assessing her body language and facial expression.
Her cheeks flushed crimson as her lips parted to make a big O with her mouth. "Legolas..." She tried talking, but he interrupted.
"I've never felt so sick, watching you behave so unbecomingly with that pint sized pervert! You could have had a better life, but now you've chosen a path that can't simply be undone, Tauriel."
"Well maybe I don't wish to undo it! I'm in love with him, Legolas. Get use to it, because my hearts not about to change its mind, you can never order it around!" She spoke up to him, making the blond elf frown deeper at her.
"Leave me, Legolas. I'd rather be outcast than return to Mirkwood." She made to step away, the quick acting blond stopping her. His hand gripped her upper arm, his blue eyes determined.
"You're being foolish, Tauriel! You're coming back, even if I have to drag you the whole way." He was tense, watching her closely, ready to pounce if she started to resist.
Tauriel knew Legolas was a challenging opponent. Their fighting skills were well matched, but maybe there was another way she could avoid capture...
"I've been sleeping with him, Legolas." She began, getting a disgusted look from her captor, "We do all sorts of crazy positions, I just love shoving my face into all that hair..."
"Stop it, Tauriel! No more!" He hissed, his mouth trying hard not to gag.
"What's wrong? Does his hair bother you? Well, you wouldn't believe how much he's got in other, more private places on his body..." She smirked, his grip was looser now, he was coughing, trying hard to to turn it into a gag, but that was a losing battle for Legolas.
"Sometimes, it even gets in my mouth." That's the sentence that did it! Legolas let her go and turned to loudly hurl his guts out.
Tauriel laughed loudly as she ran away from him, feeling that at least she'd have a head start before he stopped puking enough to pursue her.
As she ran, she heard him curse loudly, perhaps he was to follow her sooner than she had planned. Without meaning to, the she elf headed towards the direction of the dwarf camp.
Her sharp ears could pick up his heavy breathing, he was following her alright! And she bet he was one pissed off son of an Orc by now. Her feet flew as she zoomed into the outskirts of the camp, she heard him coming closer, the elf turned right as Legolas leapt, landing on her and causing them to roll all the way into the middle of the dwarf camp, surprising the occupants greatly as everyone watched out for the tumbling pair.
"Tauriel!" Kili cried, picking up his bow and pointing at the rolling pair, unable to fire, fearing he'd hit his beloved. Everyone gathered around the brawling elves, making a huge circle.
"My money's on the blond one." Dwalin joked, getting a stern glare from the unamused Thorin. The king had yet to call the dwarfs to break up the fight, annoying Kili as he waited for the rolling to stop.
Tauriel pinned him on the ground, holding a short blade against his throat.
"Relent, Legolas. I don't want to kill you!" She yelled angrily at him. Her hair was tangled, dirty, and messy with twigs and leafs. This fact made her even angrier with the stubborn blond, she liked her hair clean and shiny, now it just looked like shit!
A random cough got her attention, the auburn haired lass looking around at the dwarfs and hobbit staring at them.
"Uncle Thorin, meet Tauriel, she's my girlfriend." Kili decided to announce this to the entire group, walking over and pointing at her with a proud smile on his silly face, "Isn't she a bad ass?!" He almost squealed with delight at stating the obvious, making the she elf sigh embarrassedly.
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The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien
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A/N: So, there's going to be a special give away soon, for all you Bilbo Misadventure fans out there! I'm currently working on two very special Bilbo and Thorin custom my little ponies. They'll be given away as a pair, and I will be shipping them only within the United States (sorry foreign viewers, I'm unable to afford shipping for you all.)
Its going to be a little while before I announce when the little give away contest begins, but I do know I want it to involve the comment sections of these stories. Like 50th commenter gets the ponies, something like that. Just a way for me to show my deepest appreciation for all you enjoying these adventures! Find the WIP pic of them on my DA ( ) account (VashandNaomiForever), give it a look if you want, more WIP photos will be posted soon! Also considering accessories for these ponies, like Thorin's oaken shield. Let me know what you think about this give away contest idea, I'm always eager to hear your opinions. :)