End the Heartache

To be, or not to be, —that is the question: —
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?—To die, —to sleep, —
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, —'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.—Hamlet Act II, scene 1

The hours ooze by, painful in their unwillingness to pass and release us to the ocean's surface and Atlantis home.

Try as I might to rest, to conserve the energy I know I will need later to heal Gilleasbachan, I can't. My shoulder healed hours ago, but Dr. Beckett refuses to let me take it out of the sling until he has a chance to x-ray it and make sure that I didn't chip any bones.

My fingers itch to heal my brother, even a little, to just ease his breathing, repair broken arteries so he isn't constantly loosing blood, or even to just send him into a deeper sleep, one beyond dreams…

I try to sit still, to rest between Dad and John, but rest is a stranger to my mind, where my nightmare, my brother's nightmare, my brother's life is playing in a sickening loop, and with it comes a thousand questions, terrible and unanswerable.

Why? Why would anyone, even a fiend from the depths of the Earthling's Hell do something so…horrifying, so dreadful to another being? What kind of sick, diseased mind thinks that raping a prisoner from the inside is…amusing? Pleasurable? If that was what she considered pleasure, what was punishment? What was torture? How did my brother survive?

Did he survive?

All these questions and more swirl through my mind in a nauseating maelstrom from which I can no more escape than my brother from his subaqueous tomb, short of rescue or death.

Death—it is a dreadful reflection, but…was rescue what my brother hoped for? Would not death be a kinder fate than torturous healing, perhaps existence beyond hope of healing but removed from death's peace?

The sedative Carson gave him before we left has at last begun to wear off, and Gilleasbachan is twitching, his limbs convulsing as though in a nightmare, his head tossing from side to side on his pillow, leaving dark stains where soak-through gauze pressed against the white of the pillowcase.

Carson notices my brother's restlessness as well, and begins to prepare another dose of the sedative, when suddenly the monitor on the floor begins to beep insistently and erratically, before emitting a single, held tone—Gilleasbachan's heart has stopped.

Carson and the two medics leap to their feet, calling out orders in their medical shorthand—

…and all the while, there is no heart beat…

Syringes are pulled, equipment unpacked—

…the strong beating I heard in my dreams, remembered from infancy is silent…

All my wonderings, all my thoughts of whether death would be kinder than life are irrelevant in a instant. Before I am conscious of the decision, of the act, my hand is flying to my brother's chest. Before anyone else can react, I am pouring myself into him, life for life, my heart beating for his, my lungs drawing air, my blood, my life flooding his body…

Distantly I hear someone telling me to stop, it's enough, Gilleasbachan's heart beats on its own, but so close to him, I know that it is not enough. He is still too weak, like an unborn child needs the nourishment of my body if he is to survive…

…beneath my hand, his heart contracts of its own accord, a steady rhythm, his chest expands, filling bruised and congested lungs with stale, antiseptic, oxygen-rich air…

The voices tell me to stop, I'm killing myself…

…but there is so much damage, and I have some strength left to spare—I concentrate my energies on healing arteries and veins so he does not bleed to death…

So cold…I am cold…so cold…dark…and…cold…Gilleasb—

TBC

A/N: sorry its so short, but I thought it should be its own chapter. More to come, quickly I hope. In answer to some questions, yes Michael is out there breeding his bug things in my AU, and he will hopefully turn up sooner or later. But now I have a question to ask you. Should I get rid of Weir in this AU? I have a way, and I never liked her, but I wanted to gage your reaction. Weir out, Carter in?