Chapter 8: Unbreak My Heart

*Looked like Ryan was shot in the chest, maybe near the heart like Annie. I hoped during the scene where McQuaid and Annie got together that he would have noticed her scars. So here is a bit of that scenario . . .

Annie stopped by the hospital to see Ryan, not much had changed regarding his condition. He was still hooked up to heart and blood pressure monitors and a ventilator. She sat by his bed for a few minutes staring at him, gone was all the defiance, strength, and courage that emanated from him. Annie was apprehensive about touching Ryan, she didn't want to hurt him or cause any movement to the tubes or wires attached to him. Annie scooted her chair closer to the head of the bed to be close to McQuaid's face. She spoke softly to him about some of her reflections from the previous night.

"If you were awake, I know you'd get a lot of satisfaction out of what I'm about to say. . .you made me question my stance about not mixing business with pleasure," says Annie with quiet laughter. "You grew on me these last couple of weeks McQuaid, I'd like to see you enjoy knowing that, so you need to wake up. Please."

Annie pauses and thinks back to when she was shot and lying in the hospital much like McQuaid is currently. Eventually she regained consciousness. Afterwards she knew Auggie and Joan had visited her, but she remembered little except the muted sound of their voices. She didn't recall what was said to her, but she did remember feeling their presence and she hoped that Ryan knew she was there. She reaches her hand towards his left hand, the back of it has IV tubes and medical tape all over it. Annie puts her left palm under his hand so they are palm to palm. Still close to McQuaid's head, she rests her head next to him and keeps talking to him.

"Remember the scars on my chest the other night? You didn't say anything, but you ran your fingers across them more than once. You were curious, I could tell, but you restrained yourself from asking about them. You'll have some scars to add to your collection after you leave here, more battle wounds to show off, believe me, I know about scars, I have more than I care to have." Annie stops, she's had all these thoughts and memories swimming around in her head, but speaking about them aloud was a different matter.

Not knowing if Ryan hears her at all, Annie continues. "When we were in Paris, you pushed me about Simon. You were right, he meant something to me, he meant more than something I guess. It started out as a cover, a mission, but without even realizing it, I fell for him in spite of what I knew about him. It was a slow trip down the rabbit hole. Yeah, not something I'm proud of, I was on a mission and I fell in love with my target," Annie lets out a deep breath. "You know I've never talked about any of this with anyone and look at me now. I guess it's easy to talk knowing you won't have any smartass commentary."

Annie moves to stroke Ryan's hair. "You might be wondering how could I lose sight of my mission? I wondered that myself, in spite of knowing who Simon was and what he had done, I still came to love him and losing him broke my heart. I had loved and lost before, but it was different. No one ever died on me before and he died because of me. . . to save me. I didn't deserve being saved. I deceived him, I manipulated him, I used him, I tried to bring him in, but he in the end, he still wanted to be with me. I can't say the same of anyone else I've been with before."

Annie continued, "Have you ever had someone love you so much, they are willing to give up their whole life for you? Simon was willing to give up his family, all his professional ties, his livelihood, his country, and the only life he knew for a life with me. Yeah, a life with me, can you believe it? For a brief moment, I followed my heart and started to pack, then I realized where my allegiance was. I couldn't leave my family, my agency, my colleagues, my country. . .Did it mean I didn't love him? I'm afraid Simon died believing I didn't love him enough to start a new life with him."

Annie stops to wipe away some tears. The weight of her guilt was still there, having admitted all her thoughts and feelings for the first time didn't suddenly lift the burdens she had been bearing. Annie starts to chuckle, "You know how many times I've been saved from going through a psych eval and therapy? If only the agency knew." Annie pauses some more to collect herself.

"I realized Simon and I were the same, both working towards our own version of greater good, both following orders, but both searching for love and acceptance. I hope he knew my choice to stay didn't mean I didn't love him. I wish I had one more chance to tell him that I loved him and I have my scars and the myocarditis as a constant reminder of what I lost. I know you've lost someone you cared deeply for so you must get it, what we would give to see or talk one last time to someone. So I'm here to say, don't you die on me Ryan. I don't know what we have, but I want to find out, so I need you to get better. I'm tired of regrets."

Annie saw Ryan's eyelids flutter. She thought she sensed some slight movements in his hand that was resting on hers. Annie is stunned and unable to believe what was happening. She squeezed his hand and excitedly kissed his forehead before pressing the call button for a nurse.

The nurse arrives to check on McQuaid's vitals. Annie explains that she felt his hand move and saw his eyes fluttering. The nurse pokes around, but there's no more new movements. She looks at Annie and says, "Sorry Ma'am, sometimes it's a reflex, there's no change."

Annie is disappointed. She thanks the nurse and says she'll be back after work. Before she leaves she whispers to Ryan, "Thanks for the therapy session. If you want to hear more of my secrets, you have to stick around McQuaid." She squeezes his hand and kisses his forehead before leaving for work.