Three months later…
The pain I feel right now is wholly overwhelming. Just seconds ago, I walked into Peter's office calm and collected, as I leisurely strolled towards his desk and made myself comfortable within the chair across from him. As I listen to him bring a phone call to an end, I feel as if I will have a nervous breakdown. I'm here to finalize our marriage. After he asked for a divorce three months ago, I wasn't ready back then. I wasn't done being selfish, angry and jealous. But he was right. Everything that he had said about me, about us, was right. Why was I holding on to this marriage? It wasn't that I didn't love him, because I do. I just couldn't forgive him. I have never been able to forgive him, and after Will died, everything else inside of me felt dead. I took all of my anger and regret out on Peter, because, why not?
So, yes. He was right. It was time.
"Hi." I smile at him once he sets the phone back onto the cradle, my expression genuine. I am honest in my actions because after these past couple of months, I've had time to think and re-evaluate. I don't want to be angry anymore.
"Hi. How's everything going? State's Attorney office treating you okay?" he asks, which causes me to smile wider. Despite everything, the name calling, hurtful words, the charade I forced him through…he still cares.
"Yeah. It's going great. Of course, it will take a while to adjust, but it's going well."
He nods. "Glad to hear. Uh," a grin begins to adorn his lips, "Grace tells me you have been really busy but seem very happy with the new job."
"Yes, she is right. I am very happy; this role has given me new life. Although I have been busy, so has she with prom and graduation preparations."
"Oh yes, I know. She's been telling me all about it. I am thinking of putting two secret service details on her that night," he laughs. I laugh, too.
"You should. It would give me a peace of mind."
"I know."
He leans back in his chair and unbuttons his blazer, his eyes relaxed as they focus only on me. As if they wouldn't notice when someone else walked into the room, at this very moment. For all he saw was me.
"They grow up so fast. I can't believe it's Brown for her next year. I am so proud of her!"
I nod, still in disbelief that our little girl will be off to college soon. We only have a few more months to savor her innocence before she is sucked into the world, blossoming into a woman that would make us proud with whatever path she chose.
"I am, too. We managed to get them both graduated and off to college. I feel we deserve some sort of pat on the back for that," I tell him.
"How about a drink instead?" he asks, rising from his chair and removing his blazer. He neatly drapes it along the back of the chair, then walks to the mini bar adjacent to his desk.
I readjust myself in the seat as I consider his offer. "Sure. Why not?"
He pours us both a scotch on the rocks—Johnnie Walker, his favorite. And one that I have grown to really enjoy throughout the years with him.
He walks towards me and hands me my glass, then sits down in the chair next to me.
Bringing his own goblet to his lips, he takes a sip before leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, dangling the glass, causing the smooth caramel colored drink to swirl around. "So, what can I do for you today? Planning to run for my seat next?" he jokes, making us both laugh.
"No. One thing at a time," I tease, taking a second to enjoy my own drink. I stare into his eyes briefly then avert my attention to the contents of my glass. "I actually came here tonight to apologize."
I'm slow to match his eyes again, afraid of seeing the look I guess will be plastered on his face. When our eyes meet, my assumptions are confirmed. An expression of blatant confusion greets me. Damn, I didn't want to explain.
"For what?" he asks.
I take a deep breath as I set my glass on the edge of his desk and angle my body to face him. "For not giving you an answer about divorcing during the conversation we had a few months ago. To apologize for making you stay in this arrangement, even after you told me you weren't happy."
He reaches out a hand to take one of my own and gives it a gentle squeeze. "It's okay. I was doing it for your future. You deserved to win."
"And I thank you for that. But I should have been more forthcoming in what I wanted. That maybe I should have made a sound decision about this whole open marriage thing, instead of acting impulsively in the heat of the moment."
"You don't have to apologize. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard."
"No," I shake my head. "You should have."
I know what I have to tell him next, what I came here to tell him. And yet, I can't get the words out. They're stuck. Cemented on the tip of my tongue, refusing to unhinge and form into syllables that would end this misery we've been enduring for the past year. I don't know why I'm afraid to voice what obviously needs to be said. Is it because I see this as a personal failure? Did I not try hard enough? Did I shut him out so much that there was no going back now? Did I even want to go back?
As these questions swarm through my head, I realize, sitting here in this very chair, was the problem. It was me. Not him, but me. I couldn't decide what I wanted, and well, that wasn't fair to me, to him, or to our kids. And after six years, the pain of his betrayal still hurt like hell. So yes, I have never been able to forgive or forget. That was the problem and it was time I admitted it.
He continues to watch me, clearly waiting to hear the explanation behind the trepid look I know shadows my face.
"I think we should start the divorce proceedings," I whisper, ashamed when even I hear my voice had begun to crack.
Dropping my head, I stare into my lap, wishing I could take back those words. Saying it aloud doesn't make it hurt any less, but only makes it hurt more. I told myself when I came here, that I would say this and be strong. That I wouldn't cower, that I would handle this like an adult. Yeah, that plan flew out the window because when I look back at him, I immediately want to burst into tears.
In spite of my second-guessing, speaking those words did lift this burden off my shoulders that I had been carrying around for weeks…months…maybe even years?
He looks at me as my eyes are filled with tears, threatening to overflow any second. It isn't until he finally grabs my hands and says, "Okay", in the weakest voice ever that I begin to cry. I can see he wants to cry too, but he probably won't.
"It's going to be ok, Alicia. I promise." He nods in affirmation. "It is the best decision for us."
He rises from his seat and kneels before me, grasping my hands and stares straight into my eyes. "We will always have each other as parents, and maybe we can even be friends. You didn't fail at this, Alicia. Don't ever think that." He always knows what I need to hear, and it's at those simple words that I'm reminded he still knows me better than anyone. "We tried. We both did. It just wasn't in the cards for us."
I simply nod because I can't do much more than that. No words are able to pass from my mouth at this point. And then, unexpectedly, he embraces me. He hugs me how he has done countless times before—encasing me in his arms and shielding me from any dangers that may be lurking in the world. When he holds me like this, I've always felt like I was tucked away in a safe haven. No one or nothing could ever come between us; as long as he held me in the security of his arms, everything would be okay.
As we continue to relish in this final embrace, I know he is right. We will always be connected to each other one-way or the other. If only for those two beautiful children we created, which was the best decision we ever made together.
"I will always love you, Alicia," he whispers into my ear. A chill runs down my spine from the passion that resonates in his voice and rumbles against the skin of my neck. "You will forever be the love of my life." He kisses the top of my forehead like he has done millions of times before.
When he pulls back, I see a tear roll down his cheek. I wipe it away as I crumble to pieces inside, knowing this is goodbye.
"I will always love you, too."
It's true. I always will.
Don't kill me please, I just thought this was the most honest ending for the tone of this story. (I did write an alternative ending just to make myself feel better lol) Thanks for reading.