DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

Chapter 5: Tears and Turmoil

Christmas break came all too quickly.

"So, do you promise to come soon?" Lily asked plaintively, wrapping her arms around James' neck. "Please don't make me have to suffer all Christmas."

"I promise," James laughed, kissing her. "Only two days, all right? Let me have a chance to get everything that's piled up in the last four months straightened out and then I promise, I will come and snatch you away."

"Good," Lily said in satisfaction. "I don't think I could handle Petunia and her awful husband for a full fortnight." She weaseled one more kiss out of James, then said, "Send me an owl before you come, all right?"

"What?" Lily asked weakly, looking at her uncle Timothy in disbelief.

"I know it's difficult to absorb," he said softly, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. Lily pulled away and turned her back to him, trying to retain her tears. She had cried far too often in this house. "Lily, please, look at me. Listen to me."

"Why?" Lily asked bitterly. "So I can hear more excuses for their behaviour? Nothing can excuse what she did. What he did. What they did…" And all of a sudden, she wasn't talking about her mother and her father-uncle-stepfather-whatever-he-was. Wrapping her arms around herself tightly, she sniffled and returned to her spot by the sitting room window, watching and waiting for James. She had owled him last night, immediately after she had arrived home, fuming that her mother and Raymond had forgotten she was coming home today, to find Petunia dissolving into hysterics. Two officers she vaguely remembered from the long-gone days of when her father had been on the force were there. They were there to tell them that their mother and Raymond and Micah were dead; a car accident on their way to King's Cross.

Of course, this meant that the entire family history was going to get drudged up again, since everybody was now at their house for funeral preparations. Lily, being in the middle of the twisted drama, wasn't prepared to deal with that. James could come and snatch her away now.

And now Timothy was trying to rationalize her mother's behaviour? Her father's behaviour? Raymond's behaviour? She wasn't having any part of this crazed, screwed-up family any longer. Petunia had been shooting red-eyed glares and daggers at her ever since she'd arrived home, snarling little barbed comments at every turn. Elaine and her children had arrived early this morning, along with Timothy and Anna and their children. The house was crowded, nobody was very happy at each other and there was a lot of animosity being directed at Lily. Though nothing was directly her fault, she was part of the complicated story that had torn their family asunder.

If Matthew Evans had never started working those longer hours on the force, Sarah Evans would have never started having an affair with her brother-in-law. If Raymond Evans had never had that affair, Sarah never would had Lily. If Lily had never been born, Sarah never would have had to take her for the paternity test that day, unsure of whose child her little daughter really was. If she hadn't taken Lily to the test that day, Lily never would've been snatched by that gang and repeatedly violated. If Lily hadn't been snatched, Matthew never would've found his wife sobbing in the arms of his brother, telling Raymond that Lily was his child. If Matthew hadn't found out about the affair, he never would've forced himself onto the little girl he had always believed was his own. If he hadn't done that, he never would've tried to kill her, until her undiscovered magic forced him to kill himself instead. If Matthew hadn't killed himself, Raymond wouldn't have left his own wife and children to move in with his brother's widow. If they hadn't done that, they never would've had little Micah. If the affair had never happened in the first place, they wouldn't have been driving to pick up Lily from the train station. If they hadn't been driving to King's Cross, they wouldn't have died.

If, if, if, if, if… Lily could die from all the 'ifs' in her life.

Lily and Petunia were at opposite sides of the window, both watching for their other halves to arrive. Petunia's husband Vernon Dursley was driving in from Surrey first thing in the morning. Lily hadn't heard back from James, but she knew that he would come as soon as he got the owl, which should've been just a short while ago since he was supposed to be out at his family's summer home in Godric's Hollow, where his father had kept all the documents James had to sort through and deal with, even if it was winter and he should've been at the Potters' London flat. James had never let her down yet. He would come the moment he read the letter, and he would take her back to his house with him, just like he had promised.

Lily ignored the glares from her sister, her aunt Elaine and her cousins/siblings and focused on the street outside.

"Vernon should be here any second now," Petunia said, with a nasty tone in her voice. "Unlike some people's boyfriends, my husband is courteous enough to tell me he'll come straightaway."

"Shut up, Petunia," Lily muttered, heart giving a hopeful jump as she caught sight of a dark-haired figure walking rapidly around the corner. Had James arrived already? The figure approached and she could see his face. It was James. Immediately, Lily left her post and took off outside, not even caring that it was 30 below, she had a short-sleeved shirt on and she didn't have any sort of protection against the elements.

"Where that girl going?" she vaguely heard Elaine ask in exasperation before she threw herself into James' arms. He caught her easily, wrapping her into his jacket (not as easy as it was with his cloak; he'd even remembered that nobody else in her family knew about her being a witch and dressed to avoid awkward questions).

"Shh," he whispered comfortingly, as Lily buried her face into his chest and cried. "I'm here now. I'm here."

"Don't make me go back in there, James," she begged. "Please, can't we just go?"

James kissed her tenderly. "I promise, I won't keep you here for long. Long enough to get the preparations finished and then we'll leave. All right?"

Lily shook her head. "I don't want to stay any longer, James. I want to leave."

"Not even for Micah?" James asked softly, brushing a lock of her hair back from her face.

Lily's tears overflowed again and she sobbed into his chest. It wasn't her little brother's fault he'd been sucked into this horrible family feud, just like she had. He was just as ostracized as she was, the poor little boy. "Fine," she finally said softly. "For Micah."

Lily tried desperately to shut out her oldest cousin Michael's venomous comments to his sisters Amy and Rachel. She curled up tighter against James' side, burying her face against his shoulder again as his hand twitched to avoid forming a fist at the comment.

Finally, James kissed her forehead and said softly, "All right, we're going. You don't need to listen to this." He shot a dirty look at Michael and gently helped Lily to her feet. "Come on. We'll get your things and head back to Godric's Hollow."

Lily nodded.

Christmas went mildly better once she was away. James let her curl up next to him whenever she felt the need to, content to watch him frown and mutter over mortgages paid or not paid, expense claims, things from his father's final days at work for the International Bureau of Magical Development, trying to figure out what was legitimate and what was from a episode of incoherency, what was urgent and needed to be dealt with immediately and what could possibly wait until a later date, what needed clarified with various people and what was completely irrelevant to everything.

She would let James do all the paperwork, Lily decided one evening during Easter break as she cuddled up against him on the couch, having come home with James for the break instead of going to her uncle and aunt's house. Numbers didn't bother him, nor did complicated phrasings and legalistic prattle. Then she realized that she was thinking as though she would always be with James. As though they would get married, have children…

She couldn't imagine living without James now, Lily reflected, snuggling in closer against his side. She could definitely see being with him for the rest of her life.

"What are you thinking of, dearest Lily?" James asked softly, kissing her.

"Oh, nothing," Lily replied with a small smile, kissing him back. She couldn't stop a laugh from escaping as James growled playfully and caught her underneath him lightly, wrapping his arms underneath hers and propping himself up on his elbows. "James!" she reprimanded half-seriously, though she was laughing as she said it. She loved it when he did that – somehow, it made her feel safe, protected, not trapped.

"What, my angel?" he asked through another kiss, fingers combing her hair lightly.

"Oh, nothing," she answered, shivering with delight at the sensation of his warm, firm body against hers. She didn't quite understand why suddenly she wanted him to keep going, when this was always as far as she had let him go. Any farther, and she was scared that he, too, would become violent, unwilling to stop when she begged for him not to do this.

She wanted to belong to James Potter – heart, soul and body.

James bent down and kissed her again. "Do you want me to get off?" he whispered into her ear, his own voice aching with hunger.

Lily could tell that he, too, wanted to keep going, but he didn't want to scare her. Shaking her head, Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss him. "No," she whispered. "Don't stop."

James hesitated. "Are you sure, Lily?" he asked softly. "You don't have to."

"I want you to," she said.

James hesitated one last time before he kissed her once more. "I love you, Lily," he murmured in her ear.

"I love you too, James," she replied, gasping when she felt his hands gently go to her waist. Instinctively, she tensed and shut her eyes, waiting for the pain to start.

"Relax," James' voice came into her ear. He had stopped the second she had tensed. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you… Lily. Lily, open your eyes. Look at me." His hand caressed the side of her face as he continued to sooth her, worry evident in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, tears filling her eyes as shame coursed through her veins. She had told him he could, and then she had changed her mind without warning. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Lily," James murmured. "You have nothing to apologize for. You're not ready, that's all. C'mere." He got off and stretched out beside Lily, letting her snuggle into his side and rest her head against his shoulder. "Go to sleep, all right?" he said gently, brushing her hair off of her face. But Lily was already fast asleep, the tenseness leaving her body. With a soft smile, James flicked his wand at a nearby blanket and summoned it over, tucking it over them.