INTERACTIVE CHAPTER: Take out those headphones and listen to My Love by Sia when Clary sings in this chapter!

Chapter 10: My Love

"This is gospel, for all the fallen ones, locked away in permanent slumber…"

I'm singing along to Panic! At the Disco in my room while I'm sketching, anything to get Jace off of my mind. It's been an entire day since I've seen him; thanks a lot Labor Day.

" IF YOU LOVE ME LET ME GOOOO!" I know I'm singing out of tune right now but who cares, it's a great song.

As I crumple and throw yet another failed drawing to the ground, I feel my phone vibrate under me. Probably Jon. I think, checking on me to see if I'm okay since he's at his girlfriend's house. I decide not to answer. Seconds later my phone rings again. Jeez. I think picking up the phone and answering my phone.

"Jon I told you I'm-"

"Clary?" I hear on the other side of the line and it definitely doesn't sound like Jon.

"Jace?" I say back.

"Hey." He says after a second.

"Hi."

"Could you maybe… come over?" He asks with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Yeah… yeah of course Jace. Is something wrong?" I ask kind of concerned.

"I just really need you right now." He says quietly, and then hangs up.

As he hangs up I immediately change out of my pajamas into the first things I see in my closet; a black skirt and a cream colored sweater. I throw on a pair of black converse and run out of the door toward the Lightwoods' house.

As I reach the front doors to their house I'm slightly out of breath but compose myself enough to knock on the door. To my surprise, Alec opens the door he looks surprised to see me too, he looks tired and worn out with dark bags around his eyes.

"Oh, hey Clary." He says as cheerfully as he can which comes out pretty bland.

"Hi Alec." I reply, not knowing much else to say at the moment, we haven't talked in a while which makes it that more awkward plus I'm still wondering why Jace called me over.

"He's upstairs in his room. If that's who you're looking for." He says as if reading my mind. I smile at him gratefully which in turn he nods. I walk past him toward their stairs up to Jace's room as I walk past Izzy's room, the door is shut and I hear a thump as if something was just thrown at one of her walls. When I get to Jace's room his door is also closed. I decide to knock this time not knowing what's going on.

"I told you go away Izzy!" He yells at the door.

"It's me." I say

I hear rustling from the other said and then the door opens and I see Jace standing there in a pair of jeans and a black button down shirt. His hair looks tousled like he's been sleeping. He pulls me into the room and then closes the door again.

"Hey." I say, worried by the light pink tint in his eyes. Since I've gotten here he hasn't made eye contact with me once "Jace what's wro-"

Before I can finish Jace pulls me into a deep kiss making me forget what I was going to say. I lean into his kiss as he lays us both down on his bed deepening the kiss. As he lies on top of me, my mind reels back to three days ago at the party, and the kiss suddenly becomes too much to handle. I try my hardest not to startle him as I lean out of the kiss feeling a certain distance between the present.

"No," I say wrapping my hands around his wrists " You can't just grab at me when you want to ignore a question, it's not a substitute for actually talking"(CoFA reference ftw!(: )

He looks at me for a second, his eyes so full of sadness it makes my heart hurt. He gets up after a second running his hand through his hair out of frustration and then punching one of his walls leaving a dent in it startling me for a second. I go over to him after the initial shock to see blood sprouting out of his knuckles. I pull him over to the bed leaving him for a second to get the first aid kit out of his bathroom. When I re enter the bathroom his head is still hung low.

I get to work cleaning his hand, by putting antibiotic on his hand then wrapping it with gauze. When I finish I lay my head on his shoulder looking at his wrapped hand.

"Talk to me." I whisper after a second.

His head is still hung low so I don't see his expression when he inhales sharply.

"I could've done more." He starts; when I don't say anything he continues, "It's been two years. Two years and I still know if I did more Max would still be alive today."

That's right, I think. Today marks 2 years that Max Lightwood lost his battle to brain cancer. That explains Alec looking exhausted, Izzy throwing things… Jace.

" I… I could've given more blood or found him a better donor that matched better or hung out with him more. I've read every medical journal, EVERY case of a 10 year old with brain cancer I could get my hands are and they were all the same, but I just thought he would be different." He says half to himself. I know how careful my answer has to be.

" From how long I knew Max, I know he wasn't scared you know why?" I ask him, when he doesn't answer I continue. "Because he was, is a fighter. I know the only one who could've ever taught him to be as strong, as caring, as brave he was during his time is you. I know the only person who could ever put that fire in his eyes throughout his time. I know that he wasn't afraid because he had you Jace." I say honestly.

"When I die," I say thoughtfully, I feel Jace go rigid next to me. "I know I won't be afraid. I thought before I wasn't afraid, but now that I have you, I know what it really means not to be scared. Max is lucky to have a brother like you, because in my life I don't think I've ever met someone as selfless as you are. You may be a little egotistical at times but I guess every night in shining armor needs to have a couple of flaws to be human."

We sit there for a few silent moments until Jace finally speaks up looking at out connected hands.

"I don't know how you do it." He asks me, his voice still pretty void of any emotion.

"What?" I ask gently.

"How you always seem to know the right thing to say." He looks up, his eyes still looking pretty distant. With the one thing I don't think I would ever see in Jace Lightwood's eyes.

Tears.

I can tell he's trying hard to keep up his emotionless wall while I'm still here. I go to lie down on his bed bringing him down with me so we're facing each other. I lay down next to him so my face is buried in his chest, I feel him lay his head on top of mine. As we lay there, he may not know and I'll never tell him I know, Jace lets a few tears escape his eyes occasionally making a path down my hair. We hold onto each other for a while giving each other comfort from our embrace. Both for a different reason. If I'm sure of one thing though, it's that to love is definitely not to destroy.

Fuck you Valentine.

"Clary I need you." He says after a long stretch of silence, his voice is slightly raspy.

I don't say anything; I just keep playing with his soft short hair running my hand through his hair.

" Maryse and Robert are having a remembrance party for Max today. I don't even know why, they're a mess, but I don't think…no, I know I can't get through it without you."

"You know I wouldn't leave you." I say.

As we sit there in more silence, Izzy eventually barges into the room her eyes are red and puffy and she looks somber.

"Jace guests are about to arrive." She looks up and her eyes get big when she sees I'm here. "Oh!" she says wiping at her eyes "Hey Clary I didn't know you were here I was just kind of… um… I was just-" I stop her rambling by going up to hug her. She holds on to me tightly and lets a few sobs escape her before she composes herself.

" We should probably get going." Jace says from his bed.

We both nod and walk out of the room together taking a deep breath as we descend the stairs.

After 2 hours of mingling around with Jace I can honestly say that this has been a living hell for not only him, but for me too. But what kind of girlfriend would I be if I just left him? Alec, Izzy, and Jace have stayed stoic this entire time talking to past doctors and nurses and a couple of close family friends. They set up a sort of stage in one of the larger areas of their house for everyone to talk about how amazing Max was and how much we miss him; everybody's speeches are starting to sound the same to me.

As Maryse comes back on the stage she looks even more a mess (If that's even possible).

"Has everyone gone?" She asks scanning the room until her eyes meet mine.

"Clary." She says, offering me a small smile. " Would you like to offer a couple of words or anything."

For a split second I think about saying no and making a run for the door. But after everything they've done for me how could I not? I loved Max like he was my brother and I couldn't let him down like that.

I nod making my way to the front of the audience and onto the small stage up front. All I want to do is hide as I look out at the audience and see everyone's eyes on me. I open my mouth to find no words want to come out, I feel myself starting to freak out until I see a piano in the corner of the stage. Public speaking isn't exactly my forte so if I'm going to get through this I'm just going to have to sing it.

I spare one last look at the audience catching Jace's eyes for a split second before I let my fingers fly over the keys.

My love, leave yourself behind,

Beat inside me, leave you blind.

My love, you have found peace.

You were searching for relief.

You gave it all,

Gave into the call.

You took a chance and

You took a fall for us.

You came thoughtfully,

Loved me faithfully

You taught me honor,

You did it for me.

Today you will sleep away

You will wait for me, my love

Now I am strong

You gave me all

You gave all you had, and now I am whole.

My love, leave yourself behind

Beat inside me, leave you blind.

My love, look what you can do.

I am mending, I'll be with you.

You took my hand, added a plan,

You gave me your heart.

I asked you to dance with me.

You loved honestly,

Gave what you could release.

Ah oh.

I know in peace you'll go.

I hope relief is yours.

Now I am strong.

You gave me all.

You gave all you had, and now I am whole.

My love beat inside me

My love

My love, leave yourself behind,

Beat inside me, I'll be with you.

Oh oh

Du du du oh

As my fingers play the last notes everyone in the audience notices a giant ray of light shine through the window behind me.

I think we all want to believe it was Max.

AN: I hope you guys liked this chapter! I know it was pretty short but I know the next one will be longer! If you guys have any song ideas to put into the fanfic for certain chapters I'm open to them! You guys are amazing and I love you all!

R & R

XOXO

Erin