Disclaimer: Gosho Aoyama owns Detective Conan. I only own the plot of this story.
As soon as her finger tips left the surface of the metal handle, Shiho leaned against the wooden door, slipping towards the floor with a dead look in her eyes. Her body was stiff, her features frozen, and it seemed like everything was in slow motion: the way her eyelids fluttered close, throat strangely constricting, nimble fingers dabbing the corners of her eyes –
She was crying.
Shiho would have preferred to call it 'tear-shedding', though.
In all honesty, Shiho could never understand the mechanisms of crying. In her earliest memories of reading science textbooks, tears served no other purposes other than lubricating the eyes, on occasions where the latter were irritated by external substances, or became too dry from little moisturising.
It defied all explanations regarding crying – a release of human emotions, an intentional exposure of weaknesses, and an SOS call for unneeded help.
Crying was blatantly stupid. However, Shiho had never felt more embarrassed and helpless than she felt right now.
She felt dirty.
Unfathomable as it was, Shiho had done it – teasing a teenage guy like some tormenting schoolgirl. One might have thought she was going to rape him next. There was nothing she could do to change that shameful fact that she had run her fingers over his body like a shameless whore. She did not even know why she had done it.
And now, she also had no idea why she was crying. It was all so confusing. Her uneventful life, though lacklustre, was at least organised, before she ruined the peace herself. Images of the past few weeks suddenly flooded her mind: a female teenager brawling her eyes out over her boyfriend's dead corpse; horrible, yet extremely vivid, nightmares of Gin killing her; Akemi's disappointed smile when she heard the news of Shiho murdering an innocent man…
Akemi. My Ane, Shiho thought with yet another painful jolt in the stomach. She had betrayed her, too. My sweet, beautiful ane, whom I had never been allowed to meet without the Organisation's permission.
Those days before she turned six were the best. Akemi would pamper her with lollipops and handmade presents, bringing her letters that her so-called 'young friends' had written her – which Shiho later discovered were written by Akemi herself – in an attempt to cheer her up, in that dark, dry cell that the Organisation had imprisoned her in.
Shiho had always looked forward to midnights, when her sister would sneak into the visiting room secretly, eradicating that awful aura that suffocated Shiho, with that bright smile of hers. Sometimes, in her unimpressive flat, Shiho would stare at the door with a hard look, expecting the bell to ring. Of course, they were all unrealistic, childish fantasies, which were too good to be true anyway.
"Relax, Shiho-chan! You are too stressed."
Shiho hugged her knees tightly. So what if I did cry? What's wrong with it? Shiho thought bitterly, thinking of the Organisation's expectations and standards for her: cold scientist, brilliant genius, heartless killer, emotionless woman…
Labels. They were all labels. Labels telling her who she should and should not be.
I'm a human too! I have emotions.
She hated those kinds of people. They were the worst. They thought they understood her, when in fact they saw nothing but the superficial layer of her personality.
Gin once told her that crying was for the weak, but Shiho could not care that much anymore. She just wanted to follow her ane's advice and release her inner tension. It was overwhelming her like a volcano that was about to erupt.
Shiho hastily wiped away a tear. She stared straight ahead blankly.
And stayed like that for an hour while her heart bled.
The next time she saw Kudo he was asleep. He was lying in an unnatural position, with an arm awkwardly bent to the side, and Shiho idly wondered what was going on in his mind.
As promised, she went to his room at eight, carrying a bowl of piping hot porridge. She blew it gently, closing the door behind her and sitting on the chair right next to the bed.
Shiho regarded the man carefully. His face was contorted with fear, with beads of perspiration lining his forehead. She frowned. Why did he look so afraid?
She placed his meal on the dressing table, before massaging his temples soothingly. The haunted look was still on his face, but it slowly ceased. Shiho contemplated thoughtfully. She was certain Kudo was the most obnoxious man she had ever met, but when he made no sounds, he was still pretty decent.
"Please wake up, Kudo-san," she said, taking a formal approach, in contrast to the impolite tone she had used speaking to him a few hours ago. She might not like him much, but she had to remain courteous, especially now that she had a stranger residing in her house.
She shook his shoulder. "Kudo-san? Your o-porijji is here."
Kudo stirred. Shiho shook his shoulder more forcefully.
"…morning," he said. Shiho nodded in reply, gesturing towards the bowl of porridge. "It's dinnertime now. Please, I hope you will enjoy it."
Kudo looked at her suspiciously. "Why are you so nice now?" He took a sip of the porridge.
"I was raised to have good manners." Akemi. "I sincerely apologise for intruding into your privacy. It was very disrespectful of me. Shitsurei shimashita."
Kudo kept silent, stirring his porridge indifferently. Very softly, he said, "No, I'm sorry too."
He put down his spoon, furrowing his brows, glaring at the porridge with seriousness. Shiho watched observantly as he opened his mouth and closed it again.
"You see, I didn't mean to be so horrible to you." He paused, trying to search for the right words. "Something…just overcame me. Everything was happening so quickly, and I felt so lost…I didn't know how to react at all. So I just got defensive."
Shiho looked at him curiously. She had heard of his reputation as the famous Detective of the East. If anything, he should be the last person on Earth to lose control in this kind of situations. Any sane guy with his intellect would know that the smart way was to pretend to be unconscious and understand the situation first.
Could there be more to this?
Shiho leaned forward, eagerly nodding. There was still suspicion in Kudo's eyes, but he spoke anyway, "After you left, I thought about how I immediately attacked you, and the more I thought about it, the more stupid it seemed – you could have been some top-notch FBI agent that would have no problem killing me in one second. It was foolish."
Shiho chuckled. So it did occur to him.
"I had no idea. I just did Judo on you without thinking. It seemed instinctual – I don't recall taking Judo lessons, but I still knew how to it…and I had this feeling that you probably wouldn't harm me – call it intuition."
"It was a blur – everything was confusing. One moment I was close to strangling a woman whom I have never met in my life, and the next I was about to kiss the very woman whom I was going to strangle, and before I could think, the same woman pulled away and threatened me."
Kudo took a deep breath.
"I think I'm losing my mind. I can't remember anything. At times random snapshots of memories would just flash through my mind, but they go away as quickly as they come. I don't even know who I am anymore. All I knew was that at some point of my life I was a detective. It must have been quite an important part of my previous life, seeing as how certain I am of it."
"But then again, I don't think I should be telling you any of this. Any normal man would agree so, no? I guess I just trust you. I trust that you can help me."
But Shiho was hardly listening.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
His voice rang repeatedly in her mind.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
"….what did you mean, you can't remember anything?" she said weakly.
It felt as if she had been struck like lightning. She could not help but tremble, her skin burning painfully, as she was forced to accept the scorching truth.
"Don't you remember that mysterious transaction? Those men in black?"
"No, I don't think so."
"What about Tropical Land? Do you remember what happened there?"
"No…"
Shiho prompted him. "You went there with your girlfriend on a date."
Kudo only looked perplexed. "I had a girlfriend?"
"Don't you remember anything about her? You loved her very much." Shiho whispered. "She loved you very much, too," she said, as if it would make a difference.
Kudo looked blankly at her. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I do." He looked at her solemnly, without any trace of regret in his eyes. However, the carefree way he said it made Shiho uneasy.
It reminded her of the casual way she would answer to any question related to her parents: "I'm afraid I don't remember enough of them to provide any useful information related to your question."
It was scary, the way she simply referred to them as sources of information that could possibly be exploited by the Black Organisation for their next big mission. They were not humans, but simply objects, in her eyes. They were stripped of their essential human qualities, and were reduced to less than nothing.
They left nothing behind for Shiho. No encouragement in dense texts of letters, no affection in recordings where they would repeatedly tell Shiho that they loved her…not even remains which would make her sister happy because she could mourn them.
Shiho was scared by how little remorse and sympathy she felt as she was thinking about those things.
She was just like one of them.
"No, Kudo-san. You have to remember her. She's important to you…you wouldn't want to lose her." Shiho urged, despite her own feelings towards her parents. She could not bear seeing another soul die because they forgot how it felt to be loved, and what it meant to love.
She had to save that light in him.
"You are different from me, Kudo-san. You are born with the opportunities to do things that I can't – great things, that could save, or destroy, the whole of humanity. Please don't succumb to darkness."
"We live in a dark world. Every day, people get killed, but the general public remained ignorant, and continued living in bliss. They had no idea that they might just run into a kidnapper while walking in alleys, or get murdered just because they lived next to an intended target of criminal gangs in a hotel. However, things like this still happen anyway."
"Sometimes, it's not that the so-called 'criminals' really want to commit crimes. More often than not, they are forced to do it because of certain circumstances, but no one ever realises this, or tries to render help to these people.
"And so they lose hope. They turn evil. They commit crimes. Perhaps, when they are eventually caught, it might just be the merciful thing for them. They will finally see the light of justice…but only near the end of their lives."
Shiho looked at the disconcerted man before her with a bitter smile. The tone of her voice changed, however:
"But you are something else, Kudo Shinichi. You are blessed with charisma, a tool indispensable for politicians and public speakers alike; intelligence, something so rare, yet powerful enough to change things for the better or the worse; athleticism, which our primal ancestors possessed but passed down to only the selected few.
"Please utilise your gifts well, Kudo-san, and save all of us from this growing darkness that threatens to swallow the whole of Japan. You have no idea how powerful you are, and how much your actions would impact our lives. Please – we are all relying on you."
"No, I really don't think I can – "
"You are the only one who can do this. You are destined to change the world. You are the Silver Bullet, Kudo-san – you are the chosen one. I will help you regain your memories to the best of my ability, and provide you with support in all ways, as long as you agree to help me."
The fire in Shiho's eyes burnt passionately.
"Maybe, in the process of saving you, I will also be able to save myself."
Author's Notes: Thank you everyone for reviewing, favouriting and following this story! It really means a lot to me. Special thanks goes to Holmesfreak-san again for her invaluable advice, which prevented this from turning into a sappy story.
I would really love to hear your thoughts on this story, so please review! As usual, constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks guys! ^^