Katniss POV
I have spent nearly a week in this damn hospital and I want to go home. I hate it here. It smells exactly like that damn room and every time I wake up and smell it I have what my therapist has labeled an attack. During these 'attacks' I breakdown and cry and I my brain places me in the room that ruined me. We have very quickly learned that Peeta is the only one who can pull me from these episodes.
The first one he saved me from was probably the worst. Much to his dismay, I had sent him off to school that morning. He needed to go, he was missing too much school. Peeta however argued that this was our last year and there were only a few days left anyway. We compromised on a half-day. I was fine for a while, losing the hours with terrible reality TV and a never-ending supply of ice-chips. I was in the middle of an Animal Planet marathon when all of the sudden I heard the door click. My mind had made the click of the door deafening and I was no longer in my hospital room. I was watching as they hurt me over and over again. I saw myself being hurt and there was nothing I could do. I screamed and screamed. I screamed for them to stop. I screamed for help. I just plainly screamed. When I heard a voice breaking through. "Katniss! You're okay, it's okay nobody is here but me. I would never hurt you. I love you. Katniss It's not real." And with that phrase, that I had heard so many times, pulling me from the nightmares my mind created, or comforting me in wake of the ruin from the storm my own mind created, I was okay again. I saw his eyes first,full of fear and pain. My head spun to see the mass of nurses running towards me with needles that no doubt held an anesthetic that would make me lose more hours of the day then I wanted and so after proving to them I was fine, they simply sent Cinna, my therapist up. We quickly decided that it was Peeta who could save me from my own mind. Only Peeta.
And so it was decided that it would in fact be alright for me to go home, as long as Peeta was there. Today is the day I will leave this damned room and return home where instead of lying in this bed all day I can lay in my own bed...all day. I have still not been cleared to return to my normal life.
"Hey Kat you ready to go?" Peeta asks, succeeding in pulling me from my thoughts.
"Finally. Let's go before they change their minds." I say and he grins at this. Despite what has happened to me, Cinna and I have talked and I have decided that this will not be my undoing and over the past week I felt my old self begin to come out again. Peeta has too and I don't think I've ever seen him smile that large toothy grin at my stubbornness or my sarcastic dry tone. Peeta grabs my waist and pulls me to him and we leave. There is nothing special about it. There were no heartfelt goodbyes from the nurses or doctors because they had taken it upon themselves to avoid me. Some thought I was asking for what happened to me because in our small little town I was simply a seam slut, some were appalled by Peeta and I sharing a bed every night, little did they know, and some just didn't like me. Oh the joys of living in a small town.
Peeta pulled me to his car with a newfound giddiness in his step. "Katniss?" He said my name questioningly. "Do you think it would maybe be alright if I kissed you?" We have not kissed since before it all. Peeta has not even brought it up since that first night in hospital. I am scared that when I do it will send me back to that place, that I will not be able to tell it is Peeta, that all I will feel on my lips are those of them, the ones who took me and ruined me for their own pleasure. I try to keep my face neutral but by the hurt look on Peeta's face, I did not conceal it very well. Damn me, always hurting him with my endless supply of baggage. He is here for me whenever I need him, he always has. And yet I cannot even kiss him. I am a terrible girlfriend. I am such a bitch. I have to do this for Peeta, he has sacrificed so much for me I will just have to put my fear to the side for now. And so without a word I lean up and press my lips to his. And my fears begin to become a reality, as the thick haze begins to pull me from reality; but when I feel Peeta's feather light touch on either of my cheeks I am pulled back to him. I see him. I feel him. I smell him. And he is perfect.
"Thank you." He whispers against my lips then turns to pull the door to his old truck open for me. I already miss his lips, and as I climb into the car I give him another quick peck.
I see the town fly by. I see Sae's Diner, where what little money I made managed to keep me alive.I see the Mellark Bakery, where I watched Peeta with rapt attention, perfecting whatever it was he was working on. I see the library where I had spent so many days after my father died simply looking for heat. I see the movie theatre where Peeta changed my life. I see the Town Hall where my mother, Prim, and I had received the medal in honor of my father that lies carelessly in a closet. I see the High school. I see Peeta's home. And then I see my own. Unconsciously during this ride home that was supposed to be uneventful I have allowed my eyes to leak with tears. I turn to Peeta and I can clearly see the uncertainty in his eyes.
"I didn't think I would ever get to see it again." I whisper so quietly, I don't think he heard me for a second. I suck in a breath as I feel his arms wrap around me and pull me tight to him. He pulls away from me slightly so that he can place a feather light kiss on my lips and holds my forehead to his. All too soon we break apart and once Peeta grabs our bags, he is immediately by my side with his arm wrapped protectively around my waist. We walk to the front door and open it using Peeta's key. I step inside and I can smell the faint remnants of my father. I can hear the television roaring mindlessly in the back ground. I can see all of the furniture placed exactly where my father had once out it. I feel Peeta's arm still holding me to him with a newfound protectiveness. I am home.
I find myself in my room. It is exactly how I left it and yet it doesn't feel like mine anymore. I turn to see Peeta standing in the doorway. We stare at each other for a while. i can see the search in his eyes. He is trying to see how I react to my old home. I try my hardest to fill my eyes with happiness and elation, for Peeta; however, the sad, defeated look in his eyes tells me I am failing. So I turn to face my room again. I look to the bed and instead of my old worn gray comforter laying atop of the worn spring mattress I have slept on for years, I see the decadent, garish purple comforter. Instead of my dark green walls that wrap my room in my favorite color, all I see is sterile white. Then I see the window. That damn window. It was there to taunt me. To show me freedom and give me hope, but then rip all of it to pieces with every person that came. My breathing transform to calm and quiet breaths to jagged and random gulps of air. I feel the sweat start to trickle down my forehead. I run to the window and throw my fist against the glass, only this time it breaks. It actually breaks. I can get away. This doesn't have to be my prison. I begin to climb onto the window sill when I feel two large hands surround my waist, pulling me from freedom, from happiness. "LET ME GO!" I scream at the person holding me to them. I look out the now shattered window and I see my freedom slipping away with every inch I am pulled back. I kick and scream and scratch the person keeping me from it, but they do not relent. I begin to cry, uncontrollable, fat tears. "KATNISS! IT'S NOT REAL! Baby come on, honey it's not real. I would never hurt you. Please Katniss, come back to me. It's not real." As quickly as it came, the room I was trapped in is gone and replaced by mine own. I feel Peeta behind me, holding me tightly to his chest. The window I thought was taunting me with freedom, promised nothing but death if I had jumped from it. I recognized it as my window. My window that allowed for the entirety of the forest to be on display is three stories above the cold, hard ground. I fall to the ground in a heap of tears and snot. I feel Peeta pulling me into his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
I don't know how long we sit like this: Me in his lap with his arms wrapped tightly around me, drawing soothing patterns on the small of my back. Finally I feel myself begin to calm. It is then when I begin to feel sharp pains in my hands. I slowly remove my head from Peeta's shoulder and look down. I am met with a pool of crimson red blood and shards of glass. Noticing my movement peeta looks down at what I have just taken in myself. Wordlessly he lift me from the ground and quickly carries me to the bathroom. He gently sets me down on the sink so that his strong body is pressed in between my legs at the edge of counter top. He turns the sink on and begins the meticulous work of removing the glass from my hands.
"There was a window…" I start not truly knowing what I am about to share. He looks at me slightly puzzled by my vague words. "In the room they kept me. I tried to break it that first time, but it wouldn't. I always looked out that window, during it all. It brought me hope but at the same time it was a constant reminder that I couldn't get out. That I wouldn't. There were people below the window. A few times I saw them look up. I don't know if they ever actually saw but this one time I swear this woman looked straight into my eyes, then at the person who I was currently… employed to… and just kept walking. It was like nobody cared, Peeta. She saw me but didn't care." Some time during my explanation Peeta had stopped cleaning my hands and instead was staring at me with tear brimmed eyes. I began to shy away from his face, surely he doesn't still care for me, seeing the mess i have become. As if reading my mind, Peeta tilted his head in a way that made so it was impossible to look away from his eyes.
"Katniss, I love you. I am so sorry this happened to you and I promise you i will destroy whoever hurt you this way. But let's get one thing straight, I love you. I will never stop loving you. I see that look in your eyes. The look that shows your entire heart, almost like you are daring me to crush it, but Katniss, I love you. Nobody else. I will always love you."
"But Peeta I let them do those things to me. I didn't fight. I turned into my m
other and LET them hurt me. You can't, no you shouldn't love me. I am worthless and broken and you deserve someone so much better than me." I stare into his eyes, willing him to listen to me, to leave me. All I see is pure rage. And I know it is directed at me. But underneath of the rage i see a layer of sadness and angst.
"No Katniss. You did not 'let them' you were forced to. Don't you dare think differently. And I am the one who doesn't deserve you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the only person who makes me feel loved. You are the only person who will stand up for me. You are the only person I will ever love, because you are strong and caring and humble and gorgeous. You are the only one for me Katniss. Always." Peeta speaks with such conviction. He is so sure of himself and I love him all the more for it.
"Always." I whisper back placing my forehead against his. I lean in to kiss him lightly, but he deepens it instantly. I can tell he is trying to prove his words with his actions, and I let him. All too soon he is pulling away.
"Now, let's fix up these hands." I nod my head lightly at his words.
"Peeta, I love you."
"I love you too Katniss."