"Y-you're using it wrong!" Lars moaned and bowed forward on all fours. Jin's hand was sure and steady as it used the black dildo.

"If this really is some communication device, why is it shaped like a dick?"

"M-maybe it transmits data to whoever it penetrates?" Lars said, gasping. "Like those toothbrushes that transmit radio waves through teeth into the brain. It's secure against… against… Maybe I will see—"

"No," Jin said, withdrawing entirely. He stood and took off his jacket, folding it neatly over the back of his chair, followed by his shirt and then trousers. "If this really does have all my father and uncle's secrets, I want to see them first!"

"Ah, are you sure?" Lars asked. "I mean, we don't even know if this is the right way to use—" but it was too late. Jin Kazama had begun to use the device on himself. His expression only changed slightly as he adjusted to the sensation. "Can you see the secrets?" Lars asked.

"I… I…" Jin panted. "I don't see anything. Are you sure we're using compatible lubricant? Maybe you should have taken note of what my dad and uncle use… "

Lars huffed. "I'm sure the dildo is compatible with all non-oil-based lubricants, which is what we're using."

They continued, while Jin's sounds of pleasure increased. Lars listened to the grunts and moans, committing to memory the thrilling sound of… laughter. Lars had a second to look quizzically at the dildo before EVIL LAUGHTER FILLED THE ROOM!

Jin squeaked in surprise and the two jumped apart.

The sound was coming from the dildo, which vibrated with familiar, evil laughter. Jin and Lars exchanged a horrified look as Kazuya's voice bellowed from inside Jin's bum.

"What the fuck is that?" Jin exclaimed and reached to retrieve the dildo from behind him.

"Did you see any of their secrets?" Lars asked, trying to recover.

"This isn't a fucking hard drive!" Jin hissed, still struggling.

"No, it's not!" Kazuya said, kicking in the door and entering the room in one grand move. It was impressive! He wasted no time in springing into action. He practically flew at Lars and knocked his half-brother down with a backhand and began stomping him into the ground.

Lars was at a loss for words or action as the dildo's originator opened a can of whoop ass on his ass. He didn't notice Lee appear in the doorway, stepping over the unconscious and/or dead guards that littered the hallway. His appearance was less impressive, but still terrifying as anger twisted his attractive features into devilish rage.

Lee surveyed the scene, his mouth twisting up as he saw Lars helpless on the ground as Kazuya didn't give him a moment to fight back. He turned his attention to his nephew, who was on the other side of the room, continuing to struggle with the dildo behind him.

"There it is!" Lee yelled, pointing dramatically at Jin and – by extension – the dildo.

"I know what it looks like!" Kazuya bellowed back, not looking up from his "fight" with Lars. "Get it from him and let's get out of here!"

Lee strode towards Jin, looking at him with curiosity as he approached, taking him in from different angles as his nephew continued to dig. "Need a hand?"

Jin grunted and hung his head, the laughter intermittently erupting from his bum. His back was tense as his uncle approached, unsure, but seemingly defeated in embarrassment. "F-fine!" he said with a frown.

Lee gestured with two fingers for Jin to turn around and bend over. He took in the sight, observing for the first time the similarities Jin shared with his father before trailing a hand along Jin's back and down to his bottom, getting a better grip on the device and slowly easing it free.

Jin grunted in relief and looked up at his uncle and then the dildo in his hand. He appeared drained and defeated, but in the split second it took for Lee to dismiss him as a threat, Jin lunged forward and snatched the dildo away. He shoved Lee back and then took a defensive position by the door.

"For fuck sakes!" Kazuya cursed and dropped Lars to the ground. He turned his attention to Jin and growled. "Give it here, boy!"

"No!" Jin declared with conviction, though he held the item away from him, as if disgusted. The dildo began to vibrate and laugh in his hand and he winced.

Kazuya suddenly paused, taking in the scene before him and, for the first time in his life, he felt like he wanted to throw up. "Just… g-give me the dildo, son. We can forget all about this afterwards."

"Oh, don't be a stick-in-the-mud, Kazuya!" Lee chimed in, having moved beside Kazuya and taken over subduing Lars. He loosened the headlock on his adoptive half-brother and grinned. "We can remember this moment for years to come and laugh and laugh and—" Jin growled and hucked the dildo towards Lee who caught it out of the air. "Thanks, Jin! I was a little worried when this went missing." He waggled the dildo in the air like a lecturer wagging his finger. The dildo laughed lowly. "You won't get anywhere in the world domination bracket if you spend your resources stealing dildos!"

Lee released the headlock on Lars and helped him to his feet. "Your file says you're an honourable man, I wonder why you're working for our nephew?"

"He's trying to bring order to a chaotic world." Lars straightened up and rubbed his neck while looking at Kazuya. He stepped back and took a defensive stance. "You want me to think you two are angels?"

Lee looked back at Kazuya, whose eye was glowing red, his demonic side threatening to make an appearance. "Think of us as the lesser of two evils." He winked before turning back to Kazuya. "I got it! Let's go!"

Kazuya frowned and continued to look at Jin who was leaning heavily against the wall, seemingly horrified by the reality of the evening. "You said you'd keep it safe, Chaolan. The fact that they got it is disheartening."

"Oh, Kazzy! What more can I do? Keep it in a safe inside a safe?" Lee leaned heavily on Kazuya as they made for the door, resting his head on Kazuya's shoulder in a placating way that he hoped would prevent Kazuya from punishing him too harshly.

"No, maybe you should keep it on your person at all times…"

"But, I don't want to have to lug it all over the place in that box! It would be so unsightly…"

"Who said you'd keep it in the box?" Kazuya's eye darkened and he paused, looking his brother up and down again, the pause making clear what he'd intended.

"I… I don't know if I could… all day?" Lee went visibly weak in the knees. "With it laughing?"

"Oh, and one more thing," Kazuya smirked, eyeing Lee. "I wouldn't mind having my own a backup copy of you."

Lee made some sound of glee before the two disappeared into the hallway, unhindered by the dead guards.

Jin gagged and Lars rushed to offer him a garbage can. He shot a glare at his subordinate and frowned.

Lars smiled sheepishly and shrugged in an exaggerated way. "I… really thought it was a hard drive."

"Yeah, my ass," Jin yawned. "It's not a bad idea, though. What idiot would think that a dildo contains sensitive information?" He shot Lars an accusatory look before softening, a thoughtful smirk breaking through his angry veneer. "Get R&D on that, actually. I'd like my very own Swedish model that I can use to store my plans."

"Are you… do you?" Lars looked at him incredulously, feeling his regret and embarrassment for his mistake melting away.

Jin eyed him hungrily and shoved him back onto the bed. Neither man slept the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, back at Lee and Kazuya's apartment, Lee was regretting every wicked thing he'd done in his life. He struggled against the restraints, but the leather bonds held true. He writhed and pleaded, but Kazuya was merciless. Dimly, in the back of his mind, Lee prayed the artisan made his dildo many shades of violet.