After antics ranging from jumping up and down her bed, to burying herself in the covers, to staring into space and mumbling, Alison finally has her story out. Cosima had been the perfect listener- quiet, attentive and offering nothing more than encouraging and affirming "mmhm"s as Alison fought her way through all the facts and feelings between her and Beth. Now that she's done though, she's eager to hear Cosima's response.
Cosima takes a drag from her joint, slowly exhaling out the open window. Alison realizes she didn't even notice Cosima rolling or lighting it in the first place. "So… what do you think?"
"Wow," the dread-haired girl says finally. "You got it bad dude..."
"So it would seem," Alison sighs from her spot on her bed. "What do I do now?"
"Well, I mean, you TELL HER, right? Or better yet, just make a move. I mean, from everything you said I think this chick totally digs you..."
"I don't know that for sure though. She's just so hard to read. I mean, it's weird, with a woman. How do you tell if something is flirting or just friendly joking around?"
"Dude, the girl held your hand. Isn't that like second base in Mayberry or wherever you're from?" She snickers, taking another long hit and exhaling through her nose.
"Hey! My life has NOT been like The Andy Griffith Show- thankyouverymuch. Have a little understanding, this all so new..."
"Okay, yeah, you're right. Well, welcome to the trip man."
"Indeed…" Alison sighs. She's not sure if she's more drained or relieved finally telling someone what she's been going through. She does know she's had enough of the topic for one day, so she's happy to redirect. "Hey, on the note of love-lives, how is it going with Delphine?"
"Good. She's actually coming by in..." Cosima looks at her watch. "Holy shit- in like 5 minutes. UGH!" She stamps out the joint, hopping up from the bed and moving to her dresser. Cosima is only rifling through her clothes for a minute though before there's a knock on the door accompanied by and a high and sweet, "Cosima? 'Allo?"
"Shit," Cosmia mumbles before moving to the door and opening it. "Delphine! Hey! I'm uh, running a little late..."
Delphine looks appraisingly at Cosima's pajama outfit. "I see. Well the movie is in just a little bit so..."
"No, no, I got this. Lemmie just throw something on. Come in, come in. Oh, this is Alison again, my roommate. You guys chat, lemmie just..." Cosima's hands move a mile a minute, ending with a gesture to the overflowing open drawer of clothes.
"So Delphine, what movie are you seeing?" Alison chimes, happy to help her roommate buy some time.
"It is a French film, 'Deux jours, une nuit'. It is new, and looks interesting. I'm looking forward to it too because sometimes I just miss hearing my native language..."
"Je comprends. Le français est une belle langue..." As Alison speaks, she sees Cosima's head whip up from the drawer she is digging in. She looks confused and almost angry.
"Vous parlez français? Your accent is very good," Delphine asks, smiling brightly.
"Oui, j'ai grandi dans une petite ville où presque tout le monde parlait français. Certaines personnes ne parlaient que français, j'ai donc dû apprendre." Alison is excited- she rarely gets to speak French outside of her current class. Having grown up around the language, she can understand how Delphine misses it. Speaking it again is like reconnecting with an old friend.
"Très impressionnant. Now if only we could get Cosima to speak it, then we would be, eh, golden."
"Yeah, I had no idea you could speak so fluently..." Cosima deadpans. Again, Alison is confused as to why Cosima's affect has turned so cold. Cosima turns back to Delphine, all smiles though, "Ready!- Oh wait, I have one more thing. Why don't you head down to the entrance and I'll meet you in just a sec?"
"Okay. Salut Alison!"
"Bye Delphine!" Alison smiles. The door has barely closed behind the blonde before Cosima is in Alison's face, shaking her shoulders.
"HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME YOU SPOKE FRENCH? ACK!" Cosima lets go and starts pacing.
"I don't know, it didn't come up?"
"DUDE- you have to tutor me. For real. Did you see how excited she was? Also, she tends to dissolve into French when she's, uh, flustered. It'd help EMENSLEY if I had some idea what she was saying..." Cosima stops pacing and grabs her sweater and wallet, starts making her way towards the door.
"Yeah, I'd be happy to help..." Alison sighs, relieved Cosima's not mad at her.
"You are amazing, and awesome and I'll owe you huge and I'll see you later- Bye!" She scoots out, closing the door behind her. The room feels extra quiet, like a vacuum of noise after the twirling tornado of Cosima blows out. Too quiet.
Alison has had enough quiet contemplation for one day- for one life time, really. She opens her laptop, and clicks on Pandora. She's about to select her usual "Best of Broadway" station but something stops her. She smiles quietly and types "Best of Motown" into the search, before settling down with her English text book.
"Ladies! Ladies! Listen up!" Coach S calls the rowers to attention after practice. It was Monday and the workout today had been drastically different- lots of sprint work, lots of emphasis on rowing at "100%". Everyone was exhausted "Excellent work today! Now I assume you all got my email? The fall Head race isn't for a few more weeks, so I set up a little pre-regatta scrimmage race with our rivals at St. Augustine College-
"- Let's kick their arses!" Sarah roars- inciting whoops and cheers from the rest of the team.
"Yes, yes," S says, making motions for everyone to calm down. "Well after the regatta last May, I think we have a lot of work to do. I want to beat them as much as you do so I'll be emailing out extra land work outs for this week… if she- I mean they- think that they can just walk through us for an easy win, they have another thing coming. Thank you girls, that will be all. Oh- Hold up you two..."
Coach S points out to Alison and Beth to stay as the rest of the group disperses. "Beth, I need you to spend some time briefing Alison on racing. All the rules, regulations, any possible way we could be disqualified basically. I want to leave absolutely no room for any kind of technicality getting in the way of our victory…"
"I thought this was just a scrimmage…" Alison offers, her nervousness growing exponentially by the minute.
"It is, it is…" Coach S seems hesitant to elaborate. "I just want to make sure we leave no doubt we earn the victories we take. They would love any opportunity to deny us…" She turns back to Beth, "Tell her about how we do our racing starts and any strategies too, will ya love? Thanks. See you tomorrow girls." Without another word, she turns and heads towards the parking lot.
Alison and Beth collect their stuff and head that way as well. After the weekend it seemed like an unspoken thing that they drive to breakfast together.
"So… Coach S is taking this scrimmage thing very seriously it seems…"
"Ha, yeah. St. Augustine are our big rowing rivals. Our school's only beaten them a handful of times, so I'm looking forward to trying to decimate them as well. However... Coach S's vendetta might be a bit more personal…"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, DeAngelis- the old captain- she told me that Coach S and St. Augustine's coach, Ms. Bowles, were on the same crew team in college but had some sort of falling out. Hence the animosity."
Both girls pause to hop into Beth's car, buckling up before continuing.
"What do you think happened between them?" Alison asks as they pull out of the parking lot.
"Well, DeAngelis theorized that maybe it was over a guy- that maybe they were both into the same guy, or someone cheated on him with the other- whatever. *I * on the other hand, have a theory that they might have been together and just broken up." She waggles her eyebrows at Alison, as if to suggest scandal.
"Really? What makes you think that?" Nothing had given her the impression Coach S might be gay. Though she hadn't really thought about it. At all really.
"Oh, nothing in particular, just that Crew is a rather incestuous sport in that everyone seems to date or sleep with everyone else on the team. It happens when you spend that much time with people. It's kinda like Stockholm syndrome… we're all always together, always in some sort of crisis pushing ourselves to the physical limit- people just end up bonding and hooking up."
"Like who…"
"Oh, interested in the gossip? Ms. Hendrix, I am appalled. " Beth feigns being shocked.
"Weren't you the one that said I should get to know my team better?" Alison smiles, quirking an eyebrow back in challenge.
"Okay. But obviously this all stays between us, right?"
"I swear!" Alison says it a bit too emphatically. She's a very good secret keeper.
"Okay… let's see…" Beth grins and Alison can tell she was dying to share the juicy info. "Well you didn't know her but when DeAngelis was here, she slept with half the old Men's team. Including Art. Just once though! I think it was just a bad, post party hook up. He didn't even tell me about it until way later. Said she was super crazy the day after so he made sure to nip that in the bud. Let's see who else…" She scratches her head, and Alison pauses to appreciate how cute Beth Child's 'thinking' face is. "Well, Jesse dated this girl- god I forgot her name- but she was coxswain for like half a second last fall. Really tiny timid thing. Currently though, I'm pretty sure he and Helena are headed towards something…"
"Really? Helena? I'm not sure I can picture her..."
"What? Not devouring her mate's head like a praying mantis? Naw- I know she can come off as a bit wild seeming but strangely she's actually the nicer of the two sisters in a lot of ways. Funny, right? But yeah, I think that's where it's going between those two…" Beth taps the steering wheel thoughtfully. "What else? So many examples. Donnie tried flirting with Rachel like the first week she arrived- although she sent him packing pretty quick. I also have a theory that Stubbs has a crush on Ramon. She's always going out of her way to talk to him, or complement him on different things. I think knowing Ramon you can see how that might not work out for her," she chuckles.
"And then, of course, there's Paul. Everyone has a thing for Paul," she rolls her eyes. "If you ever want to see something funny, check out Katija when he's around. Sunglasses or not, it's so obvious that girl is blatently staring at him. I'm surprised her eyes haven't bored holes in his spandex..."
"Well what about you?"
"What about me?"
"What about you and Paul? Ramon had mentioned…" The way Beth stiffens at the mention of this causes he words die on Alison's lips, realizing this is probably not a good subject to bring up.
"Ramon mentioned what?"
"Um…" Alison hesitated. Beth's words were nonchalant, but it was clear from her cool tone that she felt anything but. Alison debated making something up but opts for the truth instead. "He just said there was some rumor about you and Paul. He didn't say what though, I swear. I'm sorry I mentioned it…"
Beth sighs. "No, no, don't be sorry… it was… it was just a misunderstanding between us and he got… frustrated and said some things to some people that he shouldn't have. I wasn't exactly blameless either but…yeah. It doesn't matter. " She smiles weakly at Alison before changing the subject. "Anyway, I have happen to have heard that Paul may now be seeing a certain blonde, 7 Seat rower on the DL…"
"NO!" Alison gasps incredulously.
"Yes. Janis said she overheard a snippet of the end of Rachel's cellphone conversation the other day. Said she heard- and I quote- 'Paul, your absence is inconvenient' and then something about being annoyed at him for not answering her calls."
"Wow." Alison shakes her head in amazement as they pull up and park in front of the cafeteria building. "Rachel dating…that's… disturbing…."
"Totally. Unlike Helena, I'm not really sure if I've ever seen Rachel's good side. Makes me feel almost bad for Paul. Except not. Not at all." Beth smirks, taking the key out. "Though it does make you wonder who else is sleeping together that no one knows about…" Beth winks at Alison before hopping out of the car towards breakfast.
The rest of the week felt jammed packed. Every waking moment she wasn't in class, or actively doing homework, Beth was training. She justified it with the upcoming race, but really she just wasn't sure what to do with herself. She just wanted to keep moving.
"What'd S hand down to you guys for extra work outs?" Art asks as he spots her. Beth finishes up her final set of bench presses and re-racks the bar.
"Ugh- She gave us a list of stuff to do at the gym each night…all the usual, just… a lot more than usual."
"How many sets?" He steps back, as she stands up.
She wipes off her face with her sweat towel. "Basically as many as we can. Or to quote the email 'until failure'."
"Ouch."
"Yeah, seriously. Who phrases something like that?"
"I have no idea. Coach Carlton gave us circuits and a 3 mile run every day..."
"The run part will be a breeze for you," Beth sighs. The two move over to the leg press machine, resetting the weights. Art hops on, starting his first set. "So," he begins. "You and Alison…"
"Don't start."
"Hey, out of the two of us it seems like you're the one that's not starting…"
"First fucking Sarah, and now you? Are you really going to push this?"
Art finishes the set, lowering the weights and stepping out of the way for Beth's turn. He shrugs. "I think it could be good for you, that's all…"
"Why." she begins, griting words through her reps, "Does everyone. Think. They know. What's best- UGH!" She lets it down slowly, pausing, staying sitting.
"I don't know about everyone else, but I feel like we've known each other long enough for me to have an idea of when you're doing well, and when you're struggling…"
"Art," She sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. "I haven't done anything in like…a long while…"
"Beth, doing well isn't just the absence of issue. It's the pursuit of good."
"Thank you, Obi Wan…"
"I'm serious. You worked hard to stop that other stuff. And I know it hasn't been easy to leave it behind- the pills, the cutting, and-"
"ART- just drop it…"
"No. Listen. It's amazing that you could come out in one piece from that. But at some point life has to be more than just keeping yourself in one piece. Life is not just about surviving, it's thriving. THAT is why 'everyone' as you say, is on you. We just want to see you thrive…"
Beth gets up, giving way for Art's second set. "You know, just because you're studying to be a psychologist or whatever doesn't give you license to pick me apart every chance you get…"
"I'm not picking you apart, I'm just trying to give you my reasons for being concerned…"
"Fine, fine. Dually noted. But I mean, what about you? You're not dating anyone. If that's the measure of thriving and good mental health where does that leave you?"
Art finishes lifting. He stands up, leans one arm on the machine and faces Beth. "Look, I didn't mean that dating equals good mental health. Of course it doesn't. I was just saying that being open to it- open to the idea that someone else could genuinely care about you, open to letting yourself care about someone else...Ugh, Childs…" He pauses looking for the right words. "I'm just saying that pushing outside of your comfort zone- population one- might do you some good."
"Okay. I get it, god…" She looks at Art, a small smile forming. "Is this the point we're supposed to like hug it out? Because Arthur, that's not really my thing…"
"Hugging? Naw, I was going to just give you my hourly bill…-Ow!" He rubs his arm where Beth punches it.
"You asshole," she joke, smiling.
"Hey guys!" A chipper and familiar voice comes from behind her.
Beth turns and sees Alison behind her, her pink gym bag (of course) slung over the should of her matching her pink work out shirt. "Hey Ali. Are you here to work out?"
"I just finished actually. I like to use the treadmills in the other room. You two look like you've been working out hard…"
Beth appraises her own appearance. Unlike Alison whom seems to have taken the dated adage 'girls don't sweat, they glisten' to heart, Beth is drenched from head to toe and looks like utter crap.
"Yeah, well…" she chuckles awkwardly. "Yeah."
"So, what are you guys up to now?"
Beth goes to answer, but Art jumps in first. "You know, I'm bushed. Think I'm just going ot head out now. I'll see you guys tomorrow for de-rigging." Beth tries to give him a look as to say 'don't you dare ditch me', but he promptly ignores it. Instead, Art just smiles, grabs his sweat towel, and heads towards the men's locker room.
"See you!" Alison says in his direction before turning back to Beth. "De-rigging?"
"Oh, uh, in order to get the boats to the race, we have to take off all the riggers and strap them onto the trailer. We usually do it the morning of the day before, instead of a water workout, so coach is able to drive the stuff over that night. Make sure it's ready for us."
"And then the morning of the race, we put it all together again?"
"That's the plan…"
"Got it…" she nods and is looking at Beth like she's expecting something. Beth has no idea what that could be unfortunately, so she ends up staring so long Alison just continues. "So, I'm going to get something to eat. I was wondering if you had some time- that is if you're not too tired- to go over the rules and stuff for the race? You know, all that stuff S was talking about the other day?"
"Oh. Yeah. Lemmie just, uh, get my stuff. Hang on…" Beth jogs into the locker room and grabs her stuff. She stops at the sink, appraising her reflection briefly.
Bright red face, sweat soaked shirt, frizzy hair. Yeah, I'm a regular catch. Shit.
With nothing that could be done, she heads back out to Alison. "Okay, ready. Sorry I look like crap…"
"You never look like crap," Alison smiles. It's so warm and genuine, Beth almost believes her. "I'm starving so let's definitely get something to eat. Is there anything in particular you're in the mood for?"
Beth has about a million thoughts at once. Her first thought is that if this were a cheesy blockbuster movie, she would clearly respond with something ridiculous like "Yeah- YOU" and they'd make out right here in the gym and everything would be hunky-dory. Since this is NOT a cheesy movie though, that won't be happening. If they go to the cafeteria, they'll be there 40 minutes tops and then Beth can sulk back to her room in record time. She nixes this idea as well though. Don't prove Art right. Venture out- be brave. After much debate, Beth finally speaks. "You know, if you want a real treat I'll show you my favorite restaurant…"
"Oh, I don't think I'm dressed for a restaurant…"
"Trust me, we'll be fine. It's just down the road, follow me."
"This is your favorite restaurant?"
Alison and Beth walk away from the small food truck, fresh gyros in hand.
"Told you we weren't underdressed." Beth smirks before diving in and taking the largest bite Alison had ever seen.
Alison tries hers as well, and is pleasantly surprised. It's warm, savory, with just a hint of spice- all mellowed out by the apparently homemade Tzatziki sauce. "You're right, this is good…"
"Mmmghgh. Soff Gooo!" She swallows and adds, "And you can't beat the ambiance." They amble along the sidewalk, their path around the park lit by streetlamps and the moonlight from above.
Their walk over had been a short one, but still long enough for Beth to breeze through most of the things she'd need to know for the race. Beth had summed it up with "Basically, just stay in your lane, don't swear into the mic, and don't start 'til they say go. Oh, and don't let S get you nervous- she can get a bit crazy at times."
"So," Alison offers. "I was over at Ramon's the other night, and he mentioned there's some big party in the evening, after the race?"
Alison decides not to mention how the topic came up. She had spent an evening having dinner over Ramon's that consisted largely of he and Felix discussing her love life, or lack thereof, in front of her. They had grilled her if there was anyone of interest at her work- "Ew! Are you kidding? The only guy I work with is Jim and he's like 40 and…is Jim!" and her classes, and finally the team.
"So there's really no one? No one you have your eye on?" Felix had purred into her ear.
Alison wasn't exactly sure why, but she just couldn't tell them about Beth. Not yet.
"I don't know, not really?" she said.
"Well, maybe you just need to get to know them. The party is perfect for that! A lot of our team has, heh, gotten to know each other better at our parties…"
The only person Alison has any interest in getting to know- is Beth. Not that she's necessarily planning anything, certainly not something impulsive or under the influence.
Still…
Alison realizes Beth is talking, and it brings her back to the present. "Sorry what? I was distracted by how delicious this food is!" she apologizes.
"Oh. Well I was just saying that yeah, we usually have a party after races. And weekends we don't race too, but the post-race ones are usually the craziest. That's where most of those embarrassing hook ups I told you about, happen." Beth tosses her wrapper away in a garbage can they pass. "Why all the interest? Is there…um… anyone you are hoping to… see at this party?"
Alison's heart practically stops. Yes, she thinks. You. But before she can answer, Beth starts mumbling through, rather awkwardly.
"I mean, uh, I'm just saying that, well I'd understand because... well, I mean I bet guys were just lining up to date you high school is all… Yeah." Beth runs her hand through her hair, and looks like she genuinely wants to just disappear.
Wow…maybe she does like me… "Well, no not really," Alison begins. "I mean, I was never much for dating in high school. I was always busy, you know? My friend Ainsley always tried to hook me up with her boyfriend's friends but... Well, I never really met anyone I was drawn to enough to distract me from the things I was doing. I had a lot. Theater, work, studying... I know that must sound weird, because high school is supposed to be all dating and stuff, but I just…" she shrugs. "What about you? I'm sure high school was a breeze for an athlete like you, instead of a drama geek like me…"
"Yeah high school was…" Beth hesitates, biting her lip. Alison sees her brow furrowed, like she's debating. In the end, the rower sighs heavily. "You know what, fuck it. I'll tell you. What was High School like for me? High school was terrible, Ali. It was just… awful."
"What happened?" Alison asks quietly, almost afraid if she's any louder she'll scare Beth away. They pause their walk under the streetlamp. It casts long shadows on the ground.
"Too much. I mean, my parents divorced, for one. And my mom literally told me it was my fault. Said having a kid had gotten in the way of her career and tied her to my dad 'for too long' and how I was old enough that 'staying together for the kids' wasn't a reason any more. She's lawyer, my dad is a cop- that's how they met…" Beth sighs and Alison doesn't do so much as breath. She gives Beth room to talk, and know that she's listening, and it works. Beth keeps talking.
"Anyway, dad and I had to move from the city to the middle of nowhere because that's all we could afford. So I had to change schools, and didn't have any friends and long story short everything sucked and I made a lot of bad choices. Like drugs and… various other self-destructive things. I was a fucking mess basically, and after one too many inebriated escapades my dad forced me into therapy and told me I better find something to involve myself in after school too. So I started doing Track and Field and I met Art. And everything started to get a little less dreary then." She smiles weakly.
"That's wonderful…" She squeezes Beth's arm reassuringly. "And Art sounds like… a great guy. I'm glad you guys are together…"
"Yeah…Wait no! We're not, together-together. No. Just, uh, no."
"Oh. You guys never dated?"
"No, I'm- well, no."
"Good…" Then realizing how that sounds, she quickly adds, "I mean, I'm glad you have him as a friend though. I'm happy you're okay."
"Yeah, it just got, dark there for a while. And sure, I'm fine enough now but I'm never really fully comfortable that all that shit won't come back, you know?" Beth takes a shaky breath, blowing it out slowly. She presses her eyes closed for a second before opening them again, composing herself. "Sorry. I, uh, well, that's not a story I exactly have a lot of practice telling." Beth runs a hand through her hair again, shuffling a bit. "Hope I'm not too intense or whatever. I don't usually tell people all that stuff- pretty sure if someone told me all that I'd want to run screaming in the other direction. Not exactly bringing on the fun..."
"Hey," Alison says, moving to stand in front of Beth. "In high school and even last year, I didn't make time for people. I thought it wasn't important. I never even really thought about it to be honest. And now... well, let's just say that since I joined this team, since meeting you... spending time on people and with people, just enjoying their company... it finally makes sense. Spending time like this, with people I care about, makes me happy."
Beth smirks, and Alison doesn't believe it for a second. "Except people who keep you out 'til 4am with their drunken antics, right?" Beth jokes, pointing to herself.
"Especially people who keep me out 'til 4am..." Alison answers with all the seriousness she can muster.
"Pffft...Yeah. Sure." she scoffs.
Despite the slight height difference, in that moment Beth looks small to Alison. Now she can see past those cocky smirks and quick quips. She can see past that façade of bravado and she thinks she's finally seeing Beth. Actual Beth. And it is intense, but not in a bad way. Not in a bad way at all. It's beautiful actually. And it draws her in.
Alison hesitantly steps into Beth's space. She inclines her head slightly so she can look in the taller girl's eyes. Beth looks...Well, Beth looks like she might shatter into a million pieces. Beth looks like Alison feels, most of the time; Like she has no idea what to do. Except right now. Right now, Alison knows exactly what to do.
She wraps her arms around Beth, pulling the rower to her body. Beth tenses up and her arms levitate out from her sides, unsure of what to do, like a strange, vertical dead-man's float. Alison ignores this. Instead, she simply lays her cheek against Beth's shoulder and holds her. She holds her until she feels Beth's muscles finally relax. She holds her until Beth wraps her arms firmly around Alison as well. She just holds her. She holds her until she's sure all that blackness has faded into the night and holds her past that as well. All of the rest fades into the background and it's just the two of them, under a street lamp, breathing each other in.
Eventually, after lifetimes, after Alison is finally satisfied that Beth gets it, she pulls away. She steps back just far enough that she can see Beth's eyes again.
"I don't lie, Beth. So believe me. Believe when I say that you... you make me happy."
Beth looks off to the side for a moment, and bites her cheek. She takes a small breath before looking back at Alison. "You make me happy too, Ali."
This time it's small, but it's a smile Alison believes.
"Hey," Beth starts. "We have to be up in like 4 or 5 hours. Maybe we get some sleep and reconvene then? I can pick you up in front of your dorm?"
"Sure, that sounds great."
"Cool. Awesome. I'll see you then. Uh..." Beth looks down again for a second. Alison's about to say something more, when the other girl strikes.
Beth moves fast. So fast Alison barely registers what happens. The rower ducks in, lightning quick, and plants a peck of a kiss on her cheek before leaping away again. Alison's mouth is still agape as Beth flashes her a guilty grin before chirping "Thanks for tonight. You're a really good...friend." And then, she's gone. Bounding away with long, runner's strides.
Alison brings her hand up to her cheek, the ghost of Beth's lips fading fast.
She doesn't care who's around, or if anyone sees. Alison Hendrix jumps. A few times. She does a little pirouette. She throws her arms over her head and hisses an excited "Yesssssssssss!" into the night air. Alison doesn't care if she looks insane, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because the girl she likes- yes, the girl she likes- seems to like her back. No matter what Beth's words say, she seems to like Alison back.
And if that's not cause for celebration, she's not sure what is.