Beth kept moving, but it wasn't the kind of moving that she liked. Beth liked to keep moving so she could keep pushing forward, to greet the next thing. Currently, she's just treading water until she can get the space to process everything from the night before.
The four hours she lay awake between last night and this morning's practice were absolutely not enough.
De-rigging the boats and packing everything in the trailer kept her moving. Every time Alison- or anyone else for that matter – approached her, she could look busy and direct them to another task (there's always another task on these kinds of mornings) and she'd be alone again. Usually her no-nonsense tone was enough to drive anyone away. With one exception, of course.
"You look like shite Childs. Here."
Beth looks at Sarah standing below on the ground, holding a bin full of boat seats. Beth grabs the bin and sets it beside her in the trailer as she continues strapping the boat to the rack. "Well, I didn't sleep last night. Like at all."
"ReeeeeEEEEEeeally…" Sarah drawls, leaning on the edge near Beth's feet. "Please tell me it was our lovely coxswain that kept you up…"
"As a matter of fact yes, but not in the way you're thinking…" Beth pauses, hoping that Sarah will drop it an walk away. Instead, she hops up on the trailer next to Beth, and grabs another strap, working on the other boat below.
"Go on..." Sarah oozes.
Beth shrugs. She does not want to go on. She would rather just go. Go back to her room, and go over everything for the millionth time- parsing it all out- everything that was said, everything that transpired.
She hugged me and then said I made her happy.
It seemed pretty straightforward... But what if it was just a 'you just told me some really messed up shit about yourself and I want to make you feel better' kind of consoling thing? Friggin' mixed signals…
Of course then I went and kissed her on the cheek, but told her she was a good 'friend'…
So what does it all add up to?
"Hello? Earth to Beth? I said 'go on'?"
"Nothing. Just more... just more nothing." Beth sighs. There are limits to her sharing, and Sarah is definitely testing them. Luckily, their private conversation is interrupted, with several team members arriving at the trailer with various things to load, including Alison with a bucket of spare bungees.
"Fine, but you're not off the hook that easy Childs..." Sarah grumbles.
Janis and Helena arrive at the trailer as well, carrying the bundle of women's team oars. "Hey, meathead," Sarah starts at her sister. "Did you goons make sure you had all 8? 'Cause I'm sure as hell not rowin' Port-side if someone forgets my oar."
Janis responds with a creative grouping of obscenities that Beth wasn't entirely sure she'd ever heard combined that way before, while Helena just sighs and replies with, "Do not call me this- And yes, there are four of each," before moving on to load them in.
"How do you choose which side you row?" Alison asks, looking happy to interject herself since Beth has made sure up to this point today, to stop just that.
"Usually a first year the coach just plugs you in on one side or the other where needed. Unless you screw up really badly, that's just what side you're on and you end up cultivating your skills on that side," Beth explains.
Sarah, seizing the opportunity to make things more awkward, hops down from the trailer and swings an arm over Alison's shoulder, causing the coxswain to look fairly confused and uncomfortable. Satisfied with that reaction, she continues on. "The key word Pinky, is usually. Our dear Captain fails to mention the small contingency of rare rowers of which she herself is a part of…"
"Oh?" Alison says, still slightly squirming under the rower's arm.
"Yes, Beth here is what we in the rowing community refer to as Bisweptual." Sarah shoots Beth a smug look so there's no mistaking this is meant as payback for not being forthcoming with the gossip she wanted earlier.
Beth rolls her eyes. "Meaning, I can row either side in sweep style rowing, like we do."
"Ah, but you seem to have a preference for one side over another, yeah?" She purrs, as Alison finally dips out from under Sarah's arm.
Beth sighs heavily. So childish Sarah. "Yes, I favor port. So that's why I row port now."
Sarah huffs. "You know Childs, sometimes you are no fun at all..." As Sarah wanders away Beth hears her shout "Hey Stubbs-where 're those boat slings?!" -clearly looking for someone new to annoy.
Beth climbs down off the trailer, wordlessly taking the bucket from Alison and stowing it away behind her.
Alison steps next to Beth, leaning in to whisper- close enough the Beth catches a faint wiff of her shampoo, making her heart race. "She's in rare form this morning…" Alison smiles.
"Yeah…" Beth breaths, moving to pick up a few more buckets nearby- just an excuse to put some room between the two of them. "Girl needs to get laid," Beth mumbles, staring off in the punk's direction.
"What?"
Beth shakes her head, returning her attention to Alison. "Sorry. But yeah, Sarah gets like this- up in everyone's business and pushing until she gets a reaction- whenever she doesn't have enough of her own stuff to occupy her… I don't suppose you know anyone to set her up with?"
Alison shrugs as they stow the last remaining items inside. "I barely know anyone outside of this team. That's kinda why I joined- to meet new people, make new friends and all."
Friends. As Beth looks at Alison and remembers the previous night. The petite girl's arms wrapped around her, their bodies pressed together so tight Alison's heartbeat reverberated through them both. She remembers the feel of Alison's breath ghosting on her neck, and when Alison finally pulled back those few inches, saying how happy Beth made her, it had taken every single fiber in Beth's being to not close that distance, capture Alison's lips with her own...
Friends? That was becoming harder by the minute. Nearly impossible now. Even as they're walking back towards Beth's car, having finished the last of the tasks for the day, Beth's skin prickles at the proximity to Alison. Best focus on something else, she thinks, and jumps back to the conversation at hand. "Well keep an eye out…"
"What's her type- Sarah's I mean," Alison asks.
"For a hook up? She doesn't seem to discriminate much, but for a relationship?... I don't know actually… Sarah's kind of an enigma."
"She's not the only one" Alison says. "You're a bit of a mystery yourself…"
"Me?" Beth chuckles as they climb in her car. "I feel like you know more about me last night than most people who've known me for years do..."
Alison blushes. "That's true. But I mean... I don't know. You know, stupid day to tday stuff- like don't know even know your major."
"Well that makes two of us… I haven't picked one yet. I guess… I don't know, It just seems a bit unrealistic to be 19 years old and know and have to pick exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life…." Beth trails off because, from the way that Alison bites her lip, she has a hunch that the girl with the bangs feels differently. "Ooooor maybe that's just me."
"No! I'm sure a lot of people feel that way! I never really thought about it because I've kind of had my heart set on one thing for a long time now."
"Oh, and what's that?" Beth asks as they pull out of the parking lot.
"You're going to think it's silly."
Beth glances to the side, catching the coxswain's slight blush, "No I'm not. Trust me."
Alison sighs. "Kinesiology."
"Oh."
"See!- you think it's stupid."
"I didn't say that- I'm just impressed that you even knew what that was for 'so long.' I don't think I could even pronounce that in high school or before. It's impressive is all…" Beth smiles, and after another glance to the passenger seat, Alison looks slightly less embarrassed.
"Well, I always knew I wanted to help people. I thought about being a doctor, but then I learned about this and… it just sounded right, you know?"
"Yeah, that's… it's cool. To know…"
"Well maybe you're thinking too big. Just think about what you enjoy- start with your classes. Do you have any classes you like?"
Beth feels the ball of stress that has been resting in her stomach all morning, begin to gather. I can barely plan the rest of my day, let alone rest of my life… "Well..."
Are there any classes I like?
"I like my philosophy class." She settles on one finally. "It's interesting and I like looking at the world from different perspectives. But I know I definitely don't want to have a career to do with that. I mean it's fine to read things and discuss them, to think about them, but I know I don't want to be just sitting around and supposing for the rest of my life."
They pull up to the parking lot, and climb out of the car. "Well, that's a start," Alison nods. "Just figuring out what you like is a good place to start." The smaller girl begins walking towards the cafeteria but stops when she sees Beth isn't following.
"Um, I'm actually just going to head back to the dorm. I have a lot to do for Monday, and I'm not going to have a lot of time this weekend so I want to get a jump on it…" Beth knows it's a weak like, but that ball of stress has not only grown but is now rolling around inside and she really needs some space and time to deal with it.
The look of disappointment on Alison's face doesn't help either. "Oh." She says quietly. "Well, I guess I'll just see you…?"
"Tomorrow morning." Beth says quickly, before adding, "Oh, and I always drive to races. The only other person S trusts not to plow the van into oncoming traffic is Stubbs, and last time she drove she got us lost…" She realizes she's rambling, and tries to come to her point. "Anyway, I think you should sit shotgun."
"You do?" Alison says, not trying to contain the small smile forming.
"Yeah." Beth breezes, wanting to make light of it. "Sarah won't mind and I'd definitely appreciate the company of someone who's not going to spend the whole ride trying to piss me off."
"Well in that case, I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Cool. Looking forward to it. See you then, Ali."
"Bye Beth," Alison says, before turning to head towards the cafeteria.
"See ya," Beth mumbles, mostly to herself. She plods along towards her dorm, lost in thought.
Alison is... amazing. The more Beth gets to know her, the more she realizes this. And that and that they are very, very different people. For one thing, Alison has her shit together. She has plans. She has goals. She's organized- maybe a bit too organized even. She's order where Beth is just... chaos.
So what? Aren't opposites supposed to attract?
She registers so little around her she's almost surprised she's already at her door when she digs out her key to open it.
Attraction isn't the problem though, she continues, entering her room and flopping on the bed. It's what happens after that. That's where things fall apart.
Beth kicks off her shoes and rakes her fingers down her face as memories of high school come flooding back.
Beth had always been a bit of a flirt. Okay, a lot of a flirt. People love being paid attention and they usually- yes even the straight girls- flirt back with her too. It's all fun and games of course, until Beth takes it to the next level. She learned that the hard way.
Her therapist- the idiot her dad forced her to see back when she first had all her problems- had encouraged her to pursue "Positive, life-affirming things. Like relationships."
So despite her gut feelings she tried it. She remembered rationalizing it. He's a doctor, he must know something, right? Unfortunately this doctor did not seem to take into account how difficult it might be- being queer and pursuing an actual relationship, in high school, in a small rural town.
Needless to say it did not work out well. Thankfully she had Art, and the rest of the track crowd otherwise she would have been a complete outcast. She learned quickly after that to just to nod and smile when the doctor gave his "recommendations".
But now she was here again. Toeing the line between attraction and action. Only this time, the stakes feel higher somehow. Alison's actions can definitely be interpreted as a bit flirty, sure, but what will happen if Beth takes it a step further? If next time she doesn't stop herself- can't stop herself? As bad as the rejection (and ridicule) from high school was the mere idea of Alison turning her down, or changing her mind...
Beth winces as her stomach continues to contort inside her- as if it is cringing along with the idea.
Her mind wanders the prior night again. Alison's smile seemed to glow even brighter in the moonlight...
Beth huffs out the breath she's been holding. Yes, it was going to very difficult to keep herself in check. She's going to need to though, until she and Alison can talk it out. That's what they need, get it out in the open and be blunt about how they each feel. No misunderstandings, no guessing, no wondering.
Beth's stomach rolls, threatening towards vomit, at the meer idea of how to start that...
Yeah. Right. Like that's going to happen.
I am so screwed.