Alison feels numb, almost paralyzed with nervousness. She manages to go through the motions of the warm up once they're on the water though. She even gets a few practice starts in before they reach the start line.
Alison's not sure if this is normal or not, but she's struck by how quiet everyone is in the boat. Not that they're usually talkative. In fact, after her initial verbal explosion a few weeks ago, talking in the boat was well under control. Usually there's a lighter feeling from the rowers though. At the moment, all she's getting from her crew is stony silence. She hopes that it's more about focus and not some sort of sense of impending doom that's settled over them.
"Hey- We've got this guys." Alison says, as confidently as she can manage. It's as much for herself as it is for the crew.
Alison takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly before stating "Sit ready," into the mic. She's in the middle lane, sandwiched by the other school's two crews. She doesn't look at them though- she focuses on listening for the official's starting calls. She stares straight ahead.
Her gaze shifts from down the course, to the rower in front of her. She's not sure how Beth can tell Alison is looking at her from behind the ridiculous aviator glasses, but she clearly does. Beth gives a quick smirk and an affirming nod, before flexing her fingers on the oar and letting her face settle into a neutral and focused expression as well.
"All boats- sit ready!" The official states, and Alison's heart feels like it's in her throat. "Ready all- ROW!"
And they're off.
Alison's vaguely aware that she's screaming. Screaming calls at her crew. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registers the noise of the other 2 coxswains, but ignores it. She's a zombie- no most correctly she's possessed. She barely recognizes her own words but whatever she's saying must be good because the boat is flying.
They're moving fast- too fast in fact, and the motion is jerking the boat back and forth like a zipper. She remembers a practice earlier this week. Controlled Chaos- that's what they need. She calls for control on the slide and like magic all 8 rowers shift down. Slower, but just as strong, and the jerking in the boat gives way to smooth power.
Controlled Chaos.
She's talking- talking continuously- urging them on. Of the two St. Augustine boats, the B- Boat has fallen behind, but the A boat- the one Charlotte is coxing- is close. Charlotte's boat is only a half a boat length ahead of them in the lane to the right.
Alison hears Charlotte call for a power 10 and sees that boat begin to make a move to leave them behind.
Oh no you don't. Not today.
Alison grits her teeth makes her own move. Her voice thunders into the mic, "I want a power 10 in two to take it back from them! ONE! TWO! GIVE ME TEN NOW! TEN! NINE!-" She barely recognizes her own voice. It's powerful and assured and sounds like someone who knows exactly what she wants.
Controlled Chaos.
At the end of the 10 strokes, they've walked the boat back a bit, catching back up. "I have 2 seat- now give me bow! Now JUMP-on it! JUMP-on it!" She calls in perfect time with their catches and feels the boat pick up out of the water- picking up speed and walking it back another two seats so she's just about even with the other coxswain.
Neck and neck, Alison notices the lane marker buoys change color, indicating they're in the last 500 meters. She finishes another power ten, and glances at the cox box. 300 meters left- SPRINT DAMNIT!
"300 meters left ladies! I want open water between us- give me open water! NOW! CATCH-and send! CATCH-and send!-" She roars into the mike and the fire in her voice sets the rest of the crew ablaze.
The rest is a blur. The rhythm, the noise- it takes over. They lose a half a seat of length, then gain it back- give and take, back and forth and as they pass under the finish line Alison is really completely and totally unsure who won. She calls the exhausted crew to drop down to paddle, and then to way-enough and stop.
She looks over the Charlotte's boat, and is relieved to see they seem just as unsure as she does.
"Hendrix! Did we have it?!"
"Did we win?"
"I think we had it!"
The crew calls up to her between ragged breaths and she has no answer. Beth, in front of her, is slumped down over her knees. Alison can see her back rising and falling, heaving for air, hard.
Alison is worried for a moment but then Beth looks up, smiling through her gasps, and quirks and eyebrow as if to say, Well?
Alison looks to the officials on the side of the river- they signal for her to dock.
"Alright , bow four, pick it up in 2- were' going to dock," She says.
"But did we win?" someone mid boat asks.
"I'm not sure!" Alison barks into the mic, just as frustrated. That seems to quiet the rest, and the paddle into the dock in silence.
As the rowers reach out and catch the dock, slowing them to a stop, Coach S runs down the ramp, and up to the boat.
"YOU DID IT LADIES! YOU DID IT! YOU BEAT THEM!" She yells, and the race official trailing behind her nods, letting them know it's for real.
The yells are deafening. Nobody waits for Alison's call, they all leap out of the boat, scrambling up on shaky legs to hug and jump and celebrate.
Alison hops out as well and is barely on her feet before she's engulfed by Beth- who picks her up, spinning her and squeezing her so hard Alison feels her ribs creak.
Beth sets her down, but Alison is still spinning- drunk off adrenaline and high off the feel of Beth's body pressed to hers. The rower's face is effervescent. It's bright and alive and even though she knows Beth is probably ready to pass out, the look that she's giving Alison makes her think Beth's hungry for more.
So many things are ready to be said. Now, Alison thinks. Now- not later.
She doesn't get the chance though.
Suddenly there are two sets of strong hands clamped on her arms and she's being dragged backwards.
"HEY! What's the meaning of this?!" Beth is grinning, following as Sarah and Helena continue dragging Alison toward the end of the dock.
Once they reach the end, the two sisters work in perfect unison: Sarah grabs Alison's arms and Helena drops down to grab Alison's ankles, lifting them up so the small coxswain is hanging like a suspension bridge between the twins.
"Wait-" Alison yelps, her brain finally catching up to what was about to happen. "No no no no no-"
But with one big swing the two rowers heave Alison's light frame high into the air, sending her hurtling out over the water.
She lands with a splash, the icy water shocking her system. She resurfaces, gasping and when she turns back towards the dock, she sees her whole team clapping and whooping. Beth tries, unsuccessfully, to stifle her own smile, covering her mouth in an attempt to hold it in.
Alison wills her cold muscles to move and doggy paddles back towards the group. Helena and Sarah lean down, heaving her up out of the water and onto the dock.
"What the EFFING hell!" She screams, hugging herself to keep warm as a puddle already starts forming at her feet.
"I guess Childs neglected to tell you about that lil' tradition, yeah? The winning team always throws their coxswain in the river!" Sarah grins and punches Alison playfully in the arm. "Man, I'm glad she didn't though- the look on your face! Priceless Pinky! Priceless!" Sarah throws her head back laughing, and her Helena does the same. As they both turn and walk back towards the ramp, Alison can see Ramon with the men's team behind them, graciously carrying the boat up for the women. Another tradition?
Beth reminds behind, still smirking. "You really got some nice air there..."
"You know," Alison says as they begin to walk back towards the trailer as well. "It would have been nice if you told me about that particular tradition..."
"Well, like Sarah said- your face was totally worth it."
"Still, I could have been able to pack some clothes to change into. It's not exactly warm out here."
"Oh. Yeah." Beth rubs the back of her neck nervously. "Didn't think of that." She pauses though considering, before adding, "I have some spare clothes in my bag if you want to change into those. I always keep some spare stuff, 'cause you never know, right?"
"Yeah, you never know when someone's going to grab you and throw you in the river," Alison huffs, though it's almost impossible to stay mad with Beth..
"True, true..."
They arrive at the trailer to the celebration already in progress. The boys have managed to de-rigged the boat in record time and are loading it on the trailer ("Probably anxious to get back and get to drinking", Sarah speculates). Coach S makes them take about a dozen pictures ("She'll probably have them blown up a few feet and then send it to Coach Bowles", Beth whispers). After a bit though, Beth and Alison are finally able to step away. "Come on, my bag's in the van. You can change there," Beth chuckles as Alison starts to visibly shiver.
Beth unlocks the side door of the van and the two girls climb in, closing it behind them. Beth pulls her small duffle bag out from under the seat and hands it to Alison. "Here. There's clothes inside you can change into," she says, climbing back into the driver's seat.
"And what will you be doing?" Alison asks, pulling items out.
"Keeping watch. Duh. Wouldn't want anyone walking in on you, threatening your modesty or anything, right?" Beth grins before turning back to face the windshield.
Beth pretends to scan the parking lot for potential interrupters, when really she's just trying to keep herself distracted. Distracted from the fact that the girl she hasn't been able to stop thinking about is currently half naked, sitting a foot or two behind her.
Beth feels like things are slipping out of control with Alison, like she's barely hanging on. She's been fighting a battle with herself: A battle between what she needs and what she wants.
What she needs is to sit down and have a nice, calm, discussion about what exactly is going on between them, so everything can be out in the open. And maybe- just maybe- if she does that, then she can spare them both a lot of trouble and a lot of disappointment and awkwardness.
The flipside of the battle is what she wants, and what she wants is Alison. Alison, Alison ALISON and that's the part of she's fighting. The rash, impulsive, stupid part of her that hates talking and hates confrontation and would much rather just fucking DO SOMETHING rather than sit and parse it out first.
Unfortunately, that part of her has been the source of most of her issues in the past. Beth is always afraid of losing control again because... well because she likes it. She likes the feeling of losing herself, of giving up, giving in, because it's easy. It's so, so easy.
And what's better than just saying 'fuck it'?
Beth glances at her left forearm. The skin has healed over time, but the ghosts of the red angry lines are still fresh and visible in her mind.
Beth shakes her head. No. There are lots of things that are better. Losing control = not good. And while she doubts things with Alison, even if they went south, would make her totally fall off the wagon with those darker things, she doesn't trust herself that it won't.
And that's all there is to it.
So Beth's resisted doing anything impulsive, or has been trying to, all day. She resisted telling Alison before their race, that her smile makes Beth feel warm and happy from the inside out. Like drinking hot cocoa on a cold day. And she resisted- barely- the urge to tell Helena and Sarah to kindly fuck off so that she can continue holding on to Alison back on the dock... the girl's skin- even soaking wet- burning under her fingertips, begging to be touched.
And currently, she's resisting the urge to turn around, and say/do god knows what... but when the rustling of clothes stops and Alison mutters "This won't do..." Beth just can't help it. She turns around and is so delightfully surprised, she doesn't even try to hold back her laughter.
Beth had the spare clothes in her bag so long, she'd completely forgotten exactly what they were. So she had no way to prepare for the image of proper Alison Hendrix sitting in Beth's own worn out high school track shirt- complete with cut off sleeves, and her brothers' hand-me-down basketball shorts. Both items are significantly oversized for Alison's petite figure, making her look like she was dressed up in some giant's clothing.
"It's not funny!" Alison chirps indignantly, but the juxtaposition of her stern look and her ridiculously oversized clothing only makes Beth laugh harder. The rower falls out of her seat and into the aisle between seats, finally crawling up on to the bench seat beside Alison.
"Stop laughing- I KNOW I look ridiculous."
"I dunno, I think this could be a good look for you," Beth says- laughter slowing as she pauses to wipe a tear away.
"Oh please," Alison rolls her eyes, her hand fussing awkwardly with her still-damp ponytail.
"No but seriously, you look adorable. "
"I do not..."
"No, really Ali."
Something in the way Beth says it, the insistence of the tone... suddenly it feels as if someone has sucked the levity from the van. Neither girl dares to breathe, both suddenly all too aware of the little space between them.
Nobody moves, both afraid a stray gesture might set something off. Beth notices Alison is blushing (Seriously, is she always blushing?) and Alison glances down for a moment before looking up again, meeting Beth's eyes through her slightly frizzy bangs. Finally breaking the silence, Alison bites her lip before starting, "Beth... I-"
But Beth can't. She can't resist any longer. Something inside her just snaps- collapses under the weight of feelings and actions not expressed, for so long.
"Shut up," Beth breaths, before surging forward, their lips colliding and pushing Alison back against the seat.
And there's relief. There's always relief when she loses control. It's a relief to have her lips pressed to Alison's. Finally.
HOLY SHIT, Beth thinks. This is actually happening.
That initial pressured contact recedes slowly, and Beth lets her lips linger softly on Alison's before backing off a few inches. As she moves back, both girls opening their eyes again, that feeling of relief recedes as well, and Beth is left to deal with the consequences and reality of her actions.
Oh shit. That actually happened.
Both of them stare at each other in shock. A moment of stunned silence passes before Alison blinks and breathes a quiet, "Oh my..."
"Oh shit..." Beth whispers grimacing, and Alison's face falls a little, concerned by Beth's reaction.
"Beth... listen... I-"
"Oh SHIT" Beth exclaims again, louder this time. She shakes her head like she just woke up, everything hitting her at once. "Oh shit shit SHIT! Why couldn't I just- SHIT! I'm an IDIOT! Ali, I'm so sorry! I-"
"No no no!" Alison's hands move up to comfort Beth, but Beth moves back some so Alison isn't able to reach all the way out to touch her. "No, Beth- It's fine. Really. Actually I-"
"It's 'fine'? It's 'FINE'? I don't want this to be just fine- No. No no no no Ali, it's not. It's-"
Beth doesn't get much more out as the van door opens and the remainder of the women's team files in. Third or fourth in, is Sarah who takes one look at Beth's face and frowns. "What up Childs? We, uh, interuptin' anything?"
Beth's mind is a tornado. This is everything she'd worried about, only worse. Worse, because instead of Alison slapping her, or yelling, or doing something that Beth could use to help her move past this- she says it's okay. It's fine.
Pity. It's almost worse than rejection.
"No." Beth shakes her head, and wills her face to return to its normal nonchalant look. "Nope, it's..." She glances at Alison once more before looking back to Sarah. "Everything's fine, actually. Uh, hey- why don't you sit up front with me for the ride back?"
"You serious?" Sarah asks, looking from Beth to Alison as if to say, What about her?
"Yeah..." Beth replies, voice steady again. "Why wouldn't I be?" She crawls forward between the two seats and back into her place behind the steering wheel. Beth can recognize that she and Alison could benefit from talking this out. Her rational mind knows that. But not right now. Beth needs to go on emotional lockdown for a little bit. She didn't think it would feel this bad, but it does. They'll talk, but definitely not right now.
Sarah quirks an eyebrow towards Alison, eyeing her current wardrobe. "Mixing it up with your look, huh? I'm still callin' ya Pinky either way, if that makes a difference..." before smirking and crawling into the front seat as well. "Well this is good- I wanted to get some tunes going- get a little pre-game mood up in here to warm up for the shindig tonight."
"I'm not going" Beth mumbles.
"Not going?" Alison adds from her spot on the bench behind, the last rowers filing in beside her.
"Like hell you're not." Sarah scoffs to Beth, ignoring Alison completely. "You are not pulling that melancholy bullshit tonight Childs. You're really not. In fact, I don't care if your brains start spontaneously oozing out your ears- you're still going. We beat bloody St. Augustine! And I'm not lettin' by best bud miss her victory party because of a case of the 'mean reds' or whatever shite it is goin' on in that head of yours." Sarah shoves Beth's shoulder slightly. "So why don't you drive us home already? Felix texted we need to help him clean up a bit before everyone comes over..."
Beth nods silently. For the rest of the ride back, she stares straight ahead, never once glancing towards the rearview mirror and never once catching sight of wounded and confused expression on the face of the coxswain sitting behind her.