Two hours later Stef was sitting in front of Captain Roberts nervously. She wasn't an impulsive person but she knew that her disappearance wasn't something to just brush off lightly. In the police force you couldn't just make such rash decisions without consequences, and her whole department had been keeping an eye out for her and tracking her which only made it worse.
"This isn't like you Stef." Captain Roberts began. "What's going on."
Stef sighed as she thought about how to explain. She hadn't even had this talk with Lena yet but there hadn't been any time so far - Callie had joined them in bed last night and then this morning Lena had to go to work. She knew she needed to explain but she didn't want it to come across as not wanting Callie so she was buying a little time to find the right words.
"It's Callie." Stef finally said, thinking that if she spoke to Roberts first it would be a little easier to talk to Lena and maybe talking to Roberts could help her figure things out a bit better.
"Are you having second thoughts about her?" Roberts asked, jumping right to the point.
"NO." Stef said firmly, knowing that this was exactly what everyone would think. "Not at all." She paused for a moment trying to figure out what to say. "I'm just worried that I won't be enough for her. That we won't be what she needs to really get better."
Captain Roberts sat silently as Stef collected her thoughts. She knew that just because they were all cops didn't mean that they didn't have issues that they had to deal with. Her job was to just make sure that their issues didn't interfere with their work.
"She's having such a hard time and we thought we had it under control but it just seems to be shifting from one thing to the next." Stef went on. "We put a stop to the cutting but then it became an eating problem. She just refuses to eat and we have to actually battle with her for every single meal. She's seeing a therapist but so far it hasn't done much good. Once I even caught her trying to throw up and I'm just so worried that she'll keep getting worse and we won't be able to do anything about it. Our last resort is to hospitalize her for some nourishment and maybe even rehab for a while but she's so afraid that we'll abandon her that I really don't think that will help her much either and no matter how many times we tell her that we love her and that she's ours for good she just doesn't seem to get it - she thinks we're lying and I'm running out of ways to show her. I just feel so lost, I don't know how to help her." By now Stef had tears in her eyes. She no longer even realized where she was because her mind was completely on her daughter.
Captain Roberts waited a while even after Stef had stopped talking, until Stef was able to focus on her again. "How about getting her involved in something?" She suggested.
"She's already taking guitar lessons and she's doing a photography course at the school." Stef said. "Apart from that she has group and individual therapy and with her lack of eating she just doesn't have the energy to do much else."
"How about something that involves someone else." Captain Roberts explained. "A community service like we give some of the teens who are beginning to get into drugs and theft." There had been so many young people that had been caught getting into trouble but still not too far gone and instead of sending them to juvie they were sent to the community center where they were given tasks to help them see that they were worth something and that they didn't have it as bad as they thought. "She'd make a great big sister at the children's home." Roberts continued.
"She's spent her whole life taking care of Jude and now she finally gets to just be a kid, I want her to hold on to that. I don't want her to be responsible for someone else. It's taken us so long to help her loosen her hold on her brother and allow us to take care of them." Stef said miserably.
"Maybe that's exactly the problem." Roberts said. She was able to see the situation from a distance and realized that maybe what Stef wanted wasn't possible. "She's not a kid, not the way you want her to be. Maybe having someone else to focus on will help her get through just like it did all those years. And it will give her a chance to see just how much she has and along with that she will be helping some other little kid and this time she don't have to suffer while doing it."
Stef thought about what her captain had said. She made a lot of sense when she thought about it. Callie kept saying that she felt like she was losing control, maybe giving some back to her would help and like Robert's had pointed out, this would be different from before, now Callie wouldn't be putting herself in danger to help someone else. She'd have to discuss it with Lena first and maybe the therapist too and look into some options before bringing it up to Callie and making a final decision but really, it didn't seem like such a bad idea.
"It makes sense." Stef finally said. "I'll have to talk with Lena but I think it might work."
"It's just a suggestion." The captain said. "I know you've been having a lot of trouble with her lately, two weeks ago you took an entire week off work to help her, but give it some time - she's had over six years of troubles that aren't going to go away in just a month."
"Thank you captain." Stef said gratefully. She was so relieved that this wasn't going to affect her job and she knew that she wouldn't be making any impulsive decisions again in a hurry.
"No problem." Roberts said. "Now go on home and get some sleep, you look like hell."
"Geez thanks." Stef grinned as she got up and left.
When Stef opened her front door the only thing she could focus on was the smell coming from the kitchen - she instantly recognized it as her mother's chicken noodle casserole - her comfort food growing up. Even before entering the kitchen she knew that there'd be potato and cheddar soup and apple fritters as well. Stef suddenly felt so relaxed and all her troubles were forgotten for a moment as she entered the kitchen and took a deep whiff.
"Oh good, you're home." Sharon said as she pulled the casserole out of the oven. "Lunch is just ready."
"This smells delicious mom." Stef said gratefully as Sharon filled two bowls of soup.
"I thought this might help." Sharon said, handing one bowl to Stef and sitting down at the table opposite her.
"It really does." Stef said as the last of the stress left her shoulders and she took a bite. "You have no idea."
"Honey are you okay?" Sharon asked seriously, as she watched her daughter carefully.
"Yes mom, I'm fine." Stef answered, though she knew her mother wouldn't just leave it there. They were just the same in that way.
"It's okay if you're not you know." Sharon said. "Everything can't be perfect all the time and just because you admit that things are falling apart doesn't mean you don't love your children." Sharon meant Callie but she didn't want to mention her specifically but instead wanted Stef to let go of whatever she was holding in so deeply that was causing her to worry so much.
Stef sighed as she let the spoon drop back into the bowl and looked at her mother. "I feel like we are in over our heads." She finally admitted. But before her mother continued she quickly added. "Before you get the wrong idea let me make it clear that I do not have second thoughts about Callie nor am I angry with her or sending her anywhere, I just feel helpless when it comes to helping her."
"No mother always knows how to help her children." Sharon offered kindly. "God knows I didn't know how to help you when you began to show signs that you were gay."
"That's different." Stef said. "Callie's actually hurting herself and there's nothing we do that makes any difference."
"Honey, no parent wants to see their child hurting in any way." Sharon said firmly. "No matter what the pain is, it's still painful for a parent to watch. You're no different from the rest of us."
"But that doesn't help Callie does it?" Stef asked miserably. "Just because I'm like every other mother out there doesn't make a difference when it comes to helping my daughter."
"Honey, it's not easy but you just gotta stick it out and eventually you'll find something that works." Sharon offered. "It's not always easy but you just have to keep going for the sake of that little girl." Sharon said.
Stef smiled. "Weren't you the one that asked me if we had really thought things through?" Stef teased.
"Yes, well, I was looking out for my daughter just like you were looking out for yours." Sharon smiled.
"You were right though." Stef said seriously. "No about rethinking the adoption but about not knowing much about them. We're still learning so much and the more we learn the more we find ourselves lost." Stef said.
"You were right too honey." Sharon said. "Those two kids belong in this family and I couldn't be more proud to call them my grandchildren."
Stef smiled at her mom. "Thanks mom." Stef said feeling a little better at the support. "Thanks for everything."
The two began to eat in silence for a while until Stef broke it again just as they were finishing up their noodles.
"I'm sorry I worried you and dragged you all the way out here mom." Stef said. "I was so angry that I didn't even think about anyone else."
"Well if it was twenty five years ago I would have grounded you for life." Sharon teased, but then added in a more serious tone. "Honey, you'd do the same for your kids if you had to. In fact I think you'd do a whole lot more." Sharon admitted.
"You're a great mom, mom." Stef said, shaking her head. "You were always there for me."
"Not when you needed me the most." Sharon said regretfully. "When your father got so angry when he realized you might be gay I did nothing to really stop him. I should have stopped him. You may not have really understood what you were feeling but we could see and I could see what he was doing to you but I never stopped it."
"It's not your fault mom." Stef assured her. "It's not easy being different, I get that."
"I'm just so thankful for Lena." Sharon went on. "You became alive after meeting her, you became everything I ever wanted you to be."
Stef smiled and looked down at her plate as tears filled her eyes. She knew her mother loved her and her family unconditionally but to hear it was a whole other thing.
"One day you will look at Callie and think the same thing about her." Sharon promised. "One day this will all be behind you." She said the same words she had said to her granddaughter the day before.
"I really hope so." Stef said full of emotion, both from her mother's words and the hope that one day it will be her and Callie having this same conversation.