"First I want to say that I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry that I frightened you guys and worried you." Stef began.
Both moms and all the kids were in the living room and Sharon had gone for a walk to give them some space and pick up some burgers for dinner.
"There's no excuse and it's okay for you to be angry and get mad at me." She said as she looked each child in the face but they all stayed silent as they stared back at her.
"Mom never meant to hurt any of us." Lena added. "She needed some space and while she could have just told us that and where she was going, it really helped her figure some things out."
"So why'd you leave?" Mariana asked. "Like really because it can't just be because Callie doesn't eat." She said slightly bitterly.
"Okay first of all I want everyone to be absolutely certain that this is not at all Callie's fault." Stef said firmly. "This was my decision and I made it, no her so it's not fair for you to blame her. Am I clear." She knew the kids were upset but she definitely didn't want them to take their anger out on Callie. Callie wasn't the one who decided to disappear for over twenty four hours without a word to anyone.
"But it was still because of her." Mariana continued. "If she would just eat then you wouldn't have left."
Lena quickly glanced at Callie and saw the girl looking down at her hands guiltily. They both knew that she blamed herself and no amount of assuring her that it wasn't her fault would make her believe it and now hearing her siblings say that only made it worse. Lena's eyes traveled to Jude who was looking angrily towards his sister before looking back to Stef who was talking.
"Mama and I had had a bad evening right from the start and I was stressed and angry." Stef explained. "It wasn't just because Callie didn't eat - it was a whole lot of stuff that just built up." Stef said. "I made a mistake in not talking to mama about it and just keeping it all inside and eventually it just exploded."
"You always tell us to stay and talk, never to walk away." Brandon said softly. All his life his mother had told him that he wasn't allowed to just walk away.
"I know." Stef said. "And I'm still going to keep saying it because it's true. I made a mistake and I've learned from it. I realized how much I worried my family and friends and I hope that you will learn from it as well."
"So what made you so mad then?" Brandon asked.
"Mama and I couldn't see eye to eye on some things and I was stressed with Callie's eating but I should have talked to mama about it." Stef explained. "I didn't want her to worry or have to deal with the fights so I kept it all in and I tried to handle it on my own."
"Were you fighting about Callie?" Jude asked, speaking for the first time, softly, as though he was afraid of the answer.
"Sort of." Stef answered honestly. "I couldn't let it go for even a minute and mama thought that Callie eating anything was better than nothing and I thought that I needed to force her to eat an actual meal."
"So it was Callie." Mariana said flatly.
"Honey, mama and I have fought over Brandon, you, Jesus and Jude so Callie is no different." Stef said firmly, determined not to let the blame lie on her daughter. "I'm the one that made a stupid decision and I'm the one to blame for it."
"You fight over us?" Jude asked, his faced creased with confusion.
"Sometimes." Stef said. "We don't always think exactly the same."
Brandon smiled a little remembering the time his mom's had finally admitted to him that sometimes they weren't on the same page.
"I've never heard you." Jude said. In all the other foster homes he had seen the parents fight a lot but in this house it had never happened and he naively believed that they didn't fight.
"Well, we try not to let it interfere with you guys." Stef explained. "We work it out and come up with a compromise before we bring it to you."
"Oh." Jude said, still looking a little puzzled but obviously trying to understand.
So far Callie and Jesus were the only two who hadn't said a word and while both moms expected Callie to stay silent, Jesus' silence was worrying them.
"What about you bud?" Stef asked, turning to her middle son who was clenching his jaw tightly. "What are you thinking?"
"You don't wanna know." Jesus said through gritted teeth.
"Yes I do." Stef assured him.
Both mom's watched as Jesus looked straight at Stef before glancing at Lena worriedly for a moment.
"It's okay." Stef said, realizing that Jesus' reluctance stemmed from Lena's relentless correction of bad language.
"I'm mad at you." Jesus finally let go. "I'm so freaking mad at you. You just walked out and left us all and whether you were coming back or not didn't make a difference for those twenty six hours. I hated you and I was so mad at you and think you're a fucking bitch for what you did."
"JESUS" Lena scolded. She knew he was mad but he had also warned them over and over again that bad language was not acceptable and neither was being rude to his mother.
But Stef stopped her wife by reaching out to grab her hand. She also knew, very well, what Lena thought about words like that but right now it was more important for Jesus to let it all out, that's one thing she'd learned while she was away - not to hold things inside until they crush you.
"No, you don't get to be mad at me." Jesus argued with Lena. "I have a right to be angry and call her whatever I want. She hurt me, she hurt all of us." Much to everyone's surprise Jesus had a few tears slip down his cheek and he tried to wipe them away before he continued.
"I trusted you." He went on. "I trusted you from the very beginning. Brandon was always yours and Mariana took forever to trust you enough to even talk. Callie didn't even trust you enough to tell you about Jude and Jude trusted no one but Callie for ages. I'm the one that trusted you right from the start. When you told me that I was safe in this house I believed you. But you let me down because yesterday I didn't feel safe."
Stef was also crying by this time and the moment Jesus stopped his rant she got up and sat next to him, pulling him into her, she held him as he cried.
"i'm sorry baby." Stef whispered over and over again until he calmed down. "I never meant to hurt you. I know I did but it wasn't intentional and it will never happen again."
"Callie was right, you broke so many promises yesterday." Jesus said when he'd calmed down enough to talk again. "It's not her fault, it's yours."
"It is." Stef agreed. "It's completely my fault and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
"I never thought you'd leave us." Jesus mumbled.
"I didn't leave you baby." Stef said miserably. "I just took some space. I could never leave you. I couldn't survive without you."
"Why didn't you just talk to us?" Mariana asked. It didn't sound so difficult to her.
"Why didn't you tell us about Ana?" Stef asked in return. There was no judgement in her voice but she just wanted Mariana to understand by relating it to something she'd kept secret as well.
"I didn't think you'd understand." Mariana answered regretfully.
Stef smiled sadly at her daughter. "That's how I felt." She admitted.
She looked around at all the faces staring back at her and knew she had to just come clean. She owed it to all of them.
"When I couldn't help Callie and I noticed that she was getting worse I started to panic and I thought that forcing her to do what I wanted would help and when mama went against me I became angry. Not at Callie or mama but myself because I couldn't find a way to fix anything. Stef stopped for a moment to get up and move over to Callie. She sat close to the girl and held her hand but looked at all the children and Lena. "I didn't want to think that I'd reached my limit and I didn't want her anymore." Stef explained and felt Callie tense in her arms. "I needed time to sort my own thoughts out because I was terrified that if I let my feelings show then everyone would think that I didn't want her."
"But you do want her?" Jude clarified. No matter how angry he had been at Callie, he still didn't want anything bad to ever happen to her.
"Absolutely." Stef said without missing a beat. "I never ever want to send Callie away. The only thing I want to go away are her problems. I want to find some way of helping her and I will..." She stopped for a moment and looked at Lena. "...we will find a way to make it all okay."
Lena smiled at her wife as tears filled her eyes. Stef had always found it difficult to let other's in and she knew it was a hard lesson for her to learn and even harder for her to admit. But she was absolutely certain that together they would be able to do anything.