"I think we have everything we need for now, how about we check out?" Lena suggested, hoping to take Callie away from the clothes and hopefully away from this thought as well.
Callie nodded and followed Lena silently to the check out counter. She had closed off completely and Lena wanted to get her out of there as soon as possible.
Lena waited until the cashier scanned in all the items and then felt a twinge in her gut as she handed over her card to pay almost a thousand dollars for her purchases. With five, soon to be six kids, spending a thousand dollars on clothes for just herself really made her feel guilty but she didn't really have a choice. Maternity clothes were expensive and and it was only going to get worse as the months wore on.
As they loaded their bags into the car Lena thought about what to do next. She had planned to suggest lunch since she needed to eat before she became nauseous but she didn't think now was the right time with Callie's mood change.
"How about a pedicure?" Lena finally suggested in what she hoped was an upbeat tone. "I could do with a foot massage, they've been hurting a lot."
Once again Callie's only response was a nod as she buckled herself into her seat.
Lena sighed as she drove to their favorite spa that they hadn't visited in over a year. She really hated that things had changed so quickly all because of a silly onesie. They had been having such a good time and Callie was finally opening up and asking questions. Agreed, she wasn't making them personal by including her own needs and desires but still she was voicing her thoughts and getting involved and that was also a big step in Lena's opinion.
Callie sat silently as Lena drove them to the spa. She'd never been there but Mariana had told her about all the times Lena had taken her when she was younger. The pair would get their hair and nails done and occasionally spring for a facial and makeover and on very rare occasions they'd convinced Stef go join them and the three girls would have a blast while Mike or Frank would do something with the boys. Callie had to admit, at least to herself that she was excited to do this with Lena. These were the little things that she'd missed out on growing up and they really made her feel like part of the family. She just wished that things weren't so 'up in the air' for her still. She was excited about the baby and she was really eager to learn more about the things Lena was telling her but she couldn't help but feel just a little bit jealous. This baby had everything from the moment it was conceived - more than enough people to love her, people who would do absolutely anything for her, parents that would put her before everything else and grandparents and siblings that would dote on her from the moment she was born. But what did she have she thought to herself - a very small ledge in a family where anything could tip her either way. She knew her moms loved her and loved her just as much as this new little baby but things could always go wrong. Callie had learned that the hard way and those three words on that little pink outfit just proved it to her all the more - that baby would always have a family and after sixteen years Callie was still struggling with getting one.
Callie was drawn out of her thoughts by Lena when they reached the spa.
"Ready?" Lena asked and Callie gave her a quick nod as she climbed out of the car. Lena grabbed her hand and held it tight as the pair walked into the large lobby to have a look at their selection. Lena tried hard to engage Callie in the excitement but Callie only responded with nods or single word answers.
"Seaweed wrap." Lena said. "That sounds interesting, it says here it has salts in the seaweed that exfoliates the skin. What do you think?"
"It's fine." Callie mumbled though Lena noticed her reading through the list.
"Or how about this Almond Oil massage?" Lena went on. "Or a Sandalwood Soak? It's great for the skin and smells wonderful."
She waited for a response and continued when she got none. "What looks good baby?" Lena asked gently as she tucked Callie's hair behind her ear. "What would you like?"
"I don't need anything." Callie said. "My feet don't hurt."
"You may not need it but you deserve it and I deserve to do this with my daughter so we're going to pick a foot massage and we're going to enjoy it." Lena said in a joking manner but with some firmness to her tone.
"Fine." Callie sighed. "I'll just get the basic one." She said though her eyes stayed on the page describing the Sandalwood Soak.
Lena smiled to herself. Callie obviously wanted this or else she would never have given in so easily. Though Callie was being stubborn and holding back when she clearly wanted to just let go Lena couldn't help but love her attitude - it reminded her so much of Stef.
"Two Sandalwood Soaks." Lena said to the receptionist who asked them to have a seat for a few minutes and enjoy a glass of cucumber water.
Lena poured them each a glass and noticed Callie staring at her as she handed one over. "What?" She asked.
"Nothing." Callie said looking away and taking a sip from her glass. The cool water was refreshing and she instantly felt better.
"You may not always want us to know what you're thinking and I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are learning all about you and we're doing it fast." Lena said as she too took a sip from her glass.
Callie looked at her questioningly, waiting for her to explain what she was talking about.
"You may not have asked for it but I know the Sandalwood pedicure sounded the best to you." Lena said and Callie's eyes grew wide. "We love you Callie and it's important to us to know even the smallest things about you. We want to do things for you that make you happy but at the same time we have to do the things that need to be done to keep you healthy and safe even if you don't like it."
Luckily for Callie the conversation came to an end when an East Asian woman asked them to follow her. They were lead into a room that had a row of recliners with mini tubs in front of each, soft music playing in the background and a bottle of flavored water beside each chair. Lena and Callie looked around and noticed that no one else was there so the whole room was just for the two of them. They took seats at the far end of the room and waited as the tubs filled with warm water and their masseurs got everything ready.
"Soak your feet in here for fifteen minutes and then we'll be in to start." One of them said as she poured a capful of oil into each of the tubs filling the room with the amazing smell of sandalwood while the other one handed each of them a warm wet towel to wipe their hands and faces.
Both of them felt themselves relax as their feet soaked in the water and their bodies sunk into the soft leather of the chairs. Callie couldn't believe she was actually doing something like this. Less than a year ago she probably wouldn't have known what a spa was and now here she was sitting with one of the people she loved most in the world doing something that normal people did regularly.
"I love you baby." Lena said, breaking the silence as she reached for Callie's hand and to her surprise Callie took it and held on as well.
"I know." Callie said. "I love you too." She smiled shyly and if there wasn't so much space between them Lena would have pulled Callie closer for a hug.
"What are you thinking honey?" Lena asked, hoping that since the girl was opening up she's be willing to talk a little. "Talk to me, let me in."
They were silent for a few minutes as Lena waited patiently, hoping that Callie would gain the courage to open up.
"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong." Callie finally said.
"Honey, I love you so much and you definitely do belong. You are just as important to us as any of the others and I've said it before but I'll say it again, this baby doesn't change that." Lena said firmly, giving Callie's hand a squeeze.
"I know." Callie said with a sigh. "I get that and I believe it too but I just want to be a part of this family and I know you say I already am but I mean legally and I can't help but feel angry because I want it more than anything in the world but there's something in the way at every step. This baby isn't even born yet but still her place is already set and waiting for her."
"Honey, your place is set and waiting for you too." Lena said. "It's almost the same. We will do everything in our power to keep you safe and with us just like we are doing for her. I get that it's not easy but no one is giving up and you can't either. Each one of you have come to us from different places and this baby will be no different. It will be just like how mom treats all of you the same as she treats Brandon."
"But Brandon was already there." Callie said, trying to explain. "Mom took us in even though she already had a son of her own. You had all of us but still you needed something more."
"I did need something more." Lena agreed. "But it's not what you're thinking. I didn't need another child or my own child. What I needed was the experience of being pregnant, having a baby and going through the whole process of raising that child. It's a biological need with most women when they reach a certain age and haven't had children yet. It's your body's way of telling you that time is running out. One day you will understand because you will reach a point where you crave for a baby as well. Your body will ache for one. It doesn't seem so intense when you're younger and most women have a baby before they reach that stage but it's there and it will be in you one day. But it doesn't make me love you any less or make you any less important and it definitely won't make this baby my favorite." She said, finally bringing up the word that had started this whole thing in the first place. "At the end of the day I am everyone's mom and I love each and every one of you. Where you came from and how you got here isn't important.