Perry entered his lair.
Instead of being on the screen, Monogram was standing in the lair itself.
Perry started to panic. It was surely the end of the world. There was no way that Monogram was outside of the screen…
"Agent P! I'm glad you're here." Monogram said. "There's someone I want you to meet."
A woman with dark hair and a friendly face held out her hand. Perry sniffed it suspiciously.
"Agent P, this is Sandra Synonym. Sandra Synonym, this is Agent P. He's one of our top agents. Best in his field."
Perry folded his arms.
"Come on, Agent P. Shake hands."
Perry turned his back.
"I'm sorry." Monogram apologized. "He must be in a bad mood today. It takes him a while to warm up to people."
"Quite all right." Sandra said.
"You just need to earn his trust. Which I'm sure will be easy to do over time. Sandra's going to be around a lot, Agent P. I have to show her the ropes at the O.W.C.A. You see, I'm retiring."
Perry whirled around.
Monogram had to be joking. Monogram had been working at the agency his whole life. He had been working there Perry's whole life. He had found Perry, raised Perry, trained Perry…
Perry found himself clutching Monogram's pant leg. Monogram tried to shake him off.
"Now, I know it's something to get used to. But Sandra will be great at my job. And I'm not retiring just yet. In a month or so. I'll come back and visit. And my son will still work here."
Perry wrapped himself around Monogram's leg.
"Agent P, this is highly childish."
Perry didn't care. Monogram couldn't just leave.
...
"He can't retire." Perry grumbled. "He just can't."
"Well, it's not the spaghetti's fault." Pinky said.
Perry had been stabbing the pasta for a full minute without actually taking a bite. It was quite chopped up.
"I like Synonym." Peter the panda said. "She gave me a bamboo stalk."
"We have to stop Monogram from leaving." Perry said.
"We'll miss him, too." Darren the duck said. "But we can't do anything about it, Perry. Monogram's gone. We just gotta get over it."
"We can TOO do something." Perry said. "I'll think of something…"
"Why don't you think of all the reasons you hate Monogram?" Darren asked, taking a bite of pear. "That way you won't miss him later."
"He takes all the tacos when the cafeteria gets them in." Peter said.
"That is true." Darren said. "And remember that time he didn't believe you about Thad Badley? And that time he knocked you over and you got stuck in that toilet?"
Perry dropped his fork. "How did YOU find out about that?"
"He posted a picture online. Oh, that's another thing you can be mad at him for!"
"I don't care about all the stupid stuff he's done!" Perry snapped. "I just don't want things to change. I like having Monogram here."
"Perry's right." Peter said. "There's an old saying that goes 'if it's not fixed, don't break it'."
"It's 'if it's not broken, don't fix it'." Perry corrected.
"Well, you shouldn't break something if it's not fixed anyway." Peter said. "Because then there's no point, it'll still be broken."
"Once I broke this vase that Isabella painted Phineas's face on." Pinky said. "When she glued it back together, it ended up looking like Ferb, so when she gave it to Phineas, he thought it was for Ferb and gave it to him."
"I know that vase." Perry said. He suddenly had an idea. "Wait. Monogram loves this agency. He wouldn't leave if he was the only one who could run it."
"What are you saying?" Peter asked.
"I'm saying that we should show Monogram that the agency can't run without him." Perry said.
"It's gonna get messy, isn't it?" Pinky asked.
"Oh, yes." Perry said.
...
"Hey, boys, you have any fingerpaints we could use?" Perry asked.
"I don't wanna fingerpaint right now." Phineas said.
He and Ferb were staring at the computer.
"What are you playing?" Perry asked.
"Zoo Baboon." Phineas said. "You build your own zoo and the landscapes and stuff."
Perry watched as Ferb built a huge mountain in the middle of a lake. He placed a hippo on the top of the mountain.
The hippo teetered and plummeted into the lake.
Ferb clicked the mouse rapidly. One after the other, hippos tilted down the mountain, popping up from the lake and chasing after the zoo guests.
"Is that all he can do?" Perry asked.
"Nope." Phineas said. "Wait till you see his rhino. Show him your rhino, Ferb."
Ferb moved his mouse. They came to an empty zoo pen.
"Where's my rhino?" Ferb asked.
"Zoom in." Phineas said.
Ferb zoomed in. There was a large crack in the glass fence of the rhino pen.
"Oh dear." Ferb said.
"Go to the right." Perry said. "I think I hear some guests screaming."
The rhino was chasing some of the guests. Ferb filled the land they were standing on with water and placed a fence around it.
"Ferb, the guests are locked in with your rhino." Perry said.
"I know." Ferb said.
"That guest is mad." Phineas said, pointing at a girl with an angry icon over her head.
"She has to use the toilet." Ferb said.
He paused the game and surrounded the girl with bathrooms. Then he pushed play.
"There we are." He said cheerfully.
"Why is Guest 47 a skeleton?" Perry asked.
"Because my hippo ate him." Ferb said.
"Ooookaay then." Perry said. "Can you tell me where you guys keep your fingerpaints?"
"In our room." Phineas said. "In my closet on the top shelf."
"Great. Thanks, boys."
...
"We have paint… mustard… bowling balls… feathers… anything else we need for Plan Monogram?" Perry asked.
"I brought my baby cousins." Peter said.
Three baby pandas were rolling around on the floor.
"Aww." Pinky and Devon the dog said.
"Don't be fooled by the cuteness." Peter said. "They are machines of destruction."
"Good." Perry said. "We put our plan into action when Monogram starts letting Synonym take over. We'll need to get all of the agents in on the plan. Maybe a couple of humans as well."
"What humans would actually go along with it?" Devon asked.
"Sideblow the groomer is nice, Monty might do it, and Carl-"
"Carl?"
"He idolizes Monogram. He's probably crushed that he's leaving and would do anything to get him back. Pinky, I don't know Admiral Acronym too well. Would she help?"
Pinky shook his head. "She'd say, 'Goodness, Pinky, I am appalled that you would think to do such a thi-'"
"So that's a no. We all agree to not back out of this?"
"I just don't get one thing." Peter said. "You and Monogram aren't that close. Why don't you want him to leave?"
"Even though we're not close, I still like him." Perry said. "Something about him leaving feels wrong-"
"The aliens must be controlling him!" Carrie the cat shrieked. "THE ALIENS! THEY'RE BACK!"
The animals began running around the room in a panic.
"The aliens are NOT back. We had an entire party celebrating their downfall. Now SIT DOWN." Perry hissed.
The agents sat.
"As I was saying. We'd all miss him if he was gone. The agency just wouldn't be the same."
"Don't break something if it's not fixed." Peter supplied.
"…Thanks, Peter. Anyhow. Meeting adjourned."
...
"Thank you for shopping at Jeremy Mart. We hope our Jeremy Services have met all your Jeremy Needs." Jeremy said, handing Perry a bag with a picture of Jeremy's face on it.
"Perry!" Phineas shook Perry awake. "Why do you look like that?"
Perry sat up. Cucumber slices fell onto the floor. "What? Where's the fire…"
"You fell asleep with cucumbers on your eyes and goop on your face. I thought you hated that exfoliation stuff."
"I'm not exfoliating. People don't exfoliate with mayonnaise. It just feels nice on your face. You ever tried it?"
"You tried to make a cucumber and mayonnaise sandwich again, didn't you?"
"Someday I'll manage to get the ingredients between those bread slices." Perry said darkly.
"You're so bad at making sandwiches." Phineas said.
"I know. You don't have to keep reminding me. Hey, at least I made Steve…"
Phineas shuddered. "I don't like to talk about that sandwich."
Ferb came into the room and stared at Perry.
Phineas mouthed the word "Sandwich".
Perry grabbed a paper towel and wiped off his face. "So, you guys promised you'd give me a Ferbmail account."
The boys jumped up excitedly and ran to the computer.
"First you click on Ferb's shirt to choose a username." Phineas said.
Perry clicked on the picture of Ferb on the screen. Ferb's shirt button turned into a textbox.
"Put in your first and last name and it'll generate username options based on your name." Phineas said.
Perry did.
The Ferb on the screen opened his mouth, and a speech bubble popped out.
USERNAME OPTIONS FOR PERRY FLYNN-FLETCHER:
perryflynnfletcher
prrflnnfltchr
perry-ff
perrybeary
platypusperry
squishaliciousworms
"Okay, that last one is weird." Perry said. "How'd it know my usual username? Wait. How does it know I'm a platypus?"
"Ferb?" Phineas asked.
Ferb only shrugged.
"You can also type in another username if you want." Phineas said.
"I'll take squishaliciousworms." Perry said.
"Username selected." The Ferb on the screen said. "Now click on my pants to begin your Ferbmail experience."
"This suddenly got disturbing." Perry said.
"I'll do it." Ferb said. He clicked on the virtual Ferb's left pant leg.
FERBMAIL flashed onto the screen in neon green letters.
Suddenly a bunch of can-can dancers danced onto the screen. Fireworks shot off in the background.
"YOU'VE GOT A FERB-TASTIC EMAIL!" The dancers sang, holding up a giant sparkling envelope. "CLICK TO READ!"
"We didn't overdo it with the special effects, did we, Ferb?" Phineas asked.
"Uh… no. Why would you think that?" Perry asked as a porpoise flipped to open up his letter. The can-can dancers began to read the letter out loud.