"…And then to send your message, you just click on the Giant Floating Baby Head." Phineas said.
Perry did. The Giant Floating Baby Head floated over to the message and somehow closed it in a letter with a Klimpaloon stamp. The letter floated to a mailbox, where an alligator in a mail carrier outfit put it into a bag and walked off the screen.
"MESSAGE DELIVERED!" Sang the can-can dancers, standing off to one side of the screen.
"There's also a chat feature." Phineas said.
"Does it involve can-can dancers?" Perry asked wearily.
"Oh, you can turn those off." Ferb said. "Just click on my nose."
Perry clicked on virtual Ferb's nose. The can-can dancers covered their mouths with their hands.
"And now click on my shoe to start the chat feature." Ferb said.
"I hope you don't mind." Phineas said. "We already added you as friends."
"I don't mind at all." Perry said.
"Phineas?" Linda called gloomily.
"Yeah, mom?" Phineas asked.
"I need you to come here for a minute."
"She sounds upset." Perry said. "Hope everything's okay."
Phineas seemed unsure himself. He left the room.
"Are you guys gonna add any more features to Ferbmail?" Perry asked, trying to lighten the mood.
Ferb nodded. "As soon as we perfect the floating bubblegum we made today."
He took a small gumball out of his pocket, popped it into his mouth, and chewed it.
He blew a bubble and began to float.
"Cool." Perry said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Phineas shouted.
Ferb's bubble popped. He fell to the ground. Perry fell out of the computer chair.
Phineas ran into the living room and up the stairs. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I HATE EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!"
"Even Ferbmail?" Ferb asked.
Phineas didn't appear to hear him. A moment later, they heard his bedroom door slam.
Linda rushed into the living room and stood at the foot of the stairs. "Phineas? Phineas, honey? I'm so sorry, there's nothing I can do… Phineas, please come down…"
Candace walked by, talking to Stacy on her phone.
"What? Oh, that was nothing, just Phineas being weird again. Anyway, Jeremy had this one single hair dangling in front of his face today. He was so cute-"
"Candace." Linda interrupted pleadingly. "I know it's a lot to ask, honey, but could you please go with Phineas? It'll be so hard on him alone."
"No way." Candace said, disgusted. She went back to her phone conversation. "And he TOTALLY smiled at me- NO, STACY, I DO NOT HAVE A FERBMAIL ACCOUNT AND I DON'T WANT ONE."
Perry looked at Ferb. "Should we check on him?"
A loud crashing noise sounded upstairs. Ferb looked nervous.
"We should let him cool off first." Perry said. "Got it. Do you know what's wrong with him?"
Ferb shook his head. He blew another gum bubble and began to float.
...
Perry chattered at Monogram, who was typing something on a laptop onscreen.
"Not now, Agent P. I just got a new message on my Ferbmail account. Cheese and crackers, how do you turn off these darn can-can dancers?"
"You just click on Ferb's nose, sir." Carl said.
"Kids are so good with the latest technology." Monogram muttered. "Ah, yes, Agent P. Your mission. Doofenshmirtz has created some kind of inator that threatens email everywhere. Get to the bottom of it."
Perry saluted and jumped out of his chair.
...
Perry was trapped inside a giant envelope.
"Ah, Perry the platypus." Doofenshmirtz said. "You're probably wondering why you're trapped in a giant envelope. Well, you see, Vanessa was doing a project on envelopes when she was six and she gave her visual aid to me as a birthday present, and I hadn't really figured out any use for it until now. Makes for a great trap. Who knew? Anyway, behold…" Doofenshmirtz walked over to a large machine. "The SWAPTHEMAILINATOR! Oh, and the trap fits in with my theme, too. See, ya never know what you'll find around the house."
Perry blinked.
"You wouldn't believe how hip this new email sensation is. It's called 'Ferbmail' or something like that. I just got an account yesterday, but no one ever sends me any mail. By the way, add me as a friend. I'm doofalicious . Like I was saying, no one ever sends me anything. But with this inator, I will swapinate all of the ferbmail that goes through and send it to myself! That way I can read EVERYONE'S mail, and… somehow find their weaknesses or something and tie taking over the Tri-State Area into there. But first things first, I'll finally get mail! Let me just figure out which switch to press to turn this thing on…"
Perry took a letter opener out of his fur pocket and cut an opening in the giant envelope. He slipped out and ran over to Doofenshmirtz's invention.
"NO, PERRY THE PLATYPUS! NOT MY INATOR!"
Doofenshmirtz pushed Perry into a pile of stuffed animals. Perry tried to get back up.
"Huh, Vanessa's old stuffed animals work as a trap too. I need to make a note of that. NOW TREMBLE IN FEAR AS ALL OF THE MAIL IS SWAP-INATED TO ME!"
Doofenshmirtz pressed a big red button.
The machine whirred to life and promptly exploded.
"That… was the self-destruct button." Doofenshmirtz said dejectedly.
Perry rolled his eyes and parachuted off the side of the building.
"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"
...
Perry returned home to find Ferb sitting on the couch, playing his favorite video game, Cerberus Celebration.
"Monogram was showing Synonym how to access the O.W.C.A mainframe today." Perry said gloomily. "I think he's really serious about leaving. I can't believe he'd just leave like that. Where's Phinny?"
Ferb pointed at the ceiling.
"Same place as when I left, huh?"
"CEREB-TASTIC!" Said the Cerberus on the screen. "You just won eighteen Cerberus Coinz! You can use these Kool Coinz to buy more heads for your Kuh-rayzee Kustomized Cerberus!"
"I don't get why they spell everything with K when Cerberus starts with C." Perry said.
"Coinz starts with C." Ferb said.
"And apparently ends in Z." Perry said. "So he hasn't come down from your room yet?"
Ferb shook his head. He took a piece of pizza out of the box on the living room table and took a bite. "He won't let me in. So we can't perfect our gum. Tell him I have pizza. And that my Cerberus is about to fight the Wacky Weretiger. I'll finally have enough Coinz to buy my third head a hat like the other two heads."
"LITTLE JENNY THE CERBERUS IS READY TO FIGHT!" The game said. The screen showed a horribly frightening picture of a three-headed dog with pointy teeth, foaming at the mouth. Two of the heads were wearing dashing top hats. The third head had a little pink bow tied around a tuft of fur. The three necks all had collars with "Little Jenny" engraved on the tags.
"I hope… Little Jenny wins." Perry said.
"Thank you." Ferb said.
Perry headed upstairs. He knocked on Phineas's door.
"I hate everything." Phineas muttered.
"Phinny? Can I come in?"
"No."
"Ferb has pizza." Perry opened the door a crack.
Phineas was lying facedown on his bed. He appeared to have been crying.
"Phin, what's wrong?"
"Everything."
"No." Perry said, putting a hand on his back. "Not everything."
"Yes. Everything."
"Ferbmail's not wrong."
Phineas laughed half-heartedly. "Yeah. I guess."
"Neither is Little Jenny the Cerberus. Or Ferb. Or me. See, things are still good. Ferb has pizza, and he's playing that Cerberus game you guys like. He says he's about to fight the Krazy Tiger or something."
"The Wacky Weretiger." Phineas corrected.
"Right. Why don't you come downstairs? It'll make you feel better."
Phineas wiped his eyes. "Yeah… it would. I should spend time with you guys."
"You don't have to if you don't feel up to it."
"No… I want to." Phineas sniffled. "I'm not gonna be home for a while."
"Why not?" Perry asked.
Phineas sighed. "Because of stupid Martin O'Riley. I hate him, he's stupid…"
Phineas started to cry again. Perry patted him on the back. "It's okay. You don't have to talk about it."
Phineas talked through his sobs anyway. Perry was able to make out a few words. He believed Phineas was trying to tell him that Martin demanded that he spend a month in another city… something about hate and stupid… and that Phineas couldn't do anything about it and Candace was old enough to stay and he was all alone and Ferb couldn't come and Phineas didn't want to make him come anyway, and that he wanted to stay home and not waste a month being with Martin, who was stupid and Phineas hated him.
Perry wasn't sure he completely understood, but he tried to be as sympathetic as possible.
"It's okay." He said. "Come on downstairs. We'll eat pizza. That'll make you feel better."
Phineas nodded. "Is Ferb really on the level with the Weretiger?"
"That's what he said."
...
"YES! I WON!" Ferb yelled. "NOW LITTLE JENNY'S THIRD HEAD CAN HAVE A TOP HAT!"
Phineas clapped. "Next time we should play as my Cerberus, Bun E. Rabbit."
"Bun E. Rabbit already has 53 Cerberus Pointz, though." Ferb said. "And six heads with diamond collars that have animated dog tags. I have to level up Little Jenny."
Phineas spread himself across the couch and took another slice of pizza.
"Your feet are digging into my hip." Ferb said.
"Your hip is blocking me." Phineas said.
"Too hip for you." Ferb said.
"Buh-lowfish." Phineas giggled.
"That's what I love about you guys." Perry said. "We always have hilarious conversations no one else will understand."
"We should eat some chocolate ice cream after this." Phineas said. "I'll go get us some, actually. You all want whipped cream?"
Perry and Ferb nodded.
"Okay. Be right back."
Phineas hopped up and went into the kitchen.
Perry and Ferb stared silently at the screen for a moment. Little Jenny was performing a victory dance on her hind legs.
"So, I think I kind of found out what was wrong with Phinny." Perry whispered. "But I didn't understand."
Ferb looked at him.
"He says he's being forced to go away for the month because of some guy and Candace didn't have to go and he hated it and he just wanted to stay here."
"Guy?" Ferb asked.
"Martin Oradi or something. I don't remember."
"Martin O'Riley?" Ferb supplied jokingly.
"...Yeah. That was it." Perry said.
Ferb looked surprised. "Oh. No. Well, no wonder he's upset then."
"Why?" Perry asked.
"Martin O'Riley's the genetic supplier of half of the chromosomes-"
"English, Ferb."
"He's my dear brother's biological father." Ferb said. "And he hasn't been in contact. But from what little I've heard about him, he wasn't very well-liked."