Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. But that's fine. As you've seen during NQaP, I'm not good at keeping deadlines. I wouldn't make it as a mangaka.

Reviews (the count returns!)

#10: Impstar

#20: ultimatemh

#30: Road and Tyki

#40: Anon42

#50: tytyty

#60: Transcendent Being Fan

O.o

Those first fifty reviews were submitted within the first twenty-four hours of Chapter 1 being posted. Holy crap. I love you all.

In response to the questions about Ulquiorra's final line last chapter, there will be NO yaoi. There will be HoYay/FoYay played for laughs, but Ichigo is straight, as is Ulquiorra (at least, he would be if he cared about relationships).

And before anyone asks, my stance hasn't changed. There are still no pairings planned in NQaP. Deal with it.

"You're pathetic, you know that?"

Huh…?

"'The Demon of Zaraki', the self-titled 'Strongest Shinigami', laid low. After spending the last century yelling myself hoarse, it's very satisfying to see you laid out like this. Serves you right for getting suckered into running right into his strongest attack."

Who…?

"Oh, now you hear me. I guess getting your bell rung by that Arrancar knocked something out of those damn ears."

Who the hell are you?

"Go screw yourself. If you had just paid attention to me, you'd be the one still standing. Like hell I'm talking to you now."

-x-

"Kenny. Ken~ny. Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny," Yachiru chanted as she poked Kenpachi in the head with her sheathed Zanpakuto.

"If he gets up after that, I'll eat my Zanpakuto," Ichigo commented, resting his cleaver against his shoulder. He reached down and grasped the blade that was embedded in his side. With a grunt, Ichigo yanked the battered Zanpakuto out and heaved a sigh of relief as the wound closed. If he finished that swing, he would have cut me in half… Despite his regenerative powers, Ichigo was pretty sure he couldn't grow back half his vital organs. Heal them when they were still mostly intact? Yes. Completely replace them before he died? Doubtful.

"What the hell is this guy made of anyway?" Ichigo knelt next to Kenpachi's motionless body. Despite taking a Getsuga Tensho point blank, the Shinigami had not been cut in two like everyone else Ichigo had hit with the attack. The moon fang had carved another massive wound in Kenpachi's torso, and left severe burns on either side of the gash. Ichigo could see ribs displayed where his attack had blasted through Kenpachi's skin and muscle.

"Lift him up, will you?" Ichigo asked. The other two members of the 11th that had joined Yachiru as spectators looked at each other and shrugged. Together they managed to haul Kenpachi up off the desert sands.

Ichigo tugged at the black cloth that wrapped the hilt of his cleaver. The cloth extended as Ichigo pulled at it. Soon, Kenpachi's wound was tightly bandaged.

"He's definitely gonna need to go to the 4th, but that will keep him from bleeding to death."

"Why not eat him?"

Three pairs of eyes swung to the newcomer standing behind them. Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Yachiru crouched protectively between the black-haired Arrancar and their unconscious Captain.

Ichigo sighed and stood up, brushing sand off his hakama. He turned to face the shorter Arrancar. "Because I happen to like him." Ichigo grinned. "Besides, he'd probably taste terrible. It'd take hours of tenderizing to make him even remotely edible."

The other Arrancar continued to stare at him, not showing any reaction.

"Gran Rey Cero," he said suddenly.

"Huh?"

"The last attack you used before releasing your Zanpakuto." He turned and started walking away. "My name is Ulquiorra Cifer. You will be seeing me again, Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Um…okay? Thanks…?" Ichigo watched until Ulquiorra vanished in a buzz of static. His clothes looked like the ones Triple A was wearing… So he's probably one of Aizen's. Ichigo shrugged. Ulquiorra apparently hadn't been here to cause trouble and he'd told him the name of one of his most destructive abilities. No sense starting something over nothing.

"Okay, let's get out of here before somebody who actually wants to kill us shows up."

-x-

I'm going to need bigger pockets…

Soifon tried to figure out how to carry all the money people kept passing her. Every hidden pocket in her shihakusho had been stuffed with as much as they could hold without compromising their location. She still had a large amount of bills and coins in her hands (plus a hastily scrawled I.O.U from an apologetic Vice-Captain Ise, whose Captain had spent all their cash on sake before arriving).

"Captain Unohana," Captain-Commander Yamamoto spoke up, bringing all activity to a halt. "Have a room prepared for Captain Zaraki." He started walking out of the monitor room. "Get him back in top form. We can't afford to have another Captain down at this time." Then he was gone, likely off to plan a suitable punishment for the Captain of the 11th.

"Yes sir." Soifon shivered when Unohana spoke. She was not happy at all.

I pity you, Zaraki…

-x-

Ichigo watched as the Senkaimon closed behind the four Shinigami.

"Did you have fun?" Urahara asked cheerfully.

Ichigo grinned. "Yep. Kenpachi brings the tally up to five." He paused and cupped his chin. "Or maybe seven? Should I count Ukitake and Aizen? Ukitake was sick and Orihime's the reason I was actually able to get Aizen. Not to mention he got back up later…"

Urahara unfolded his fan in front of his face. "Maybe count those as half a point each and bring the count to six?"

"I suppose that works…" Ichigo shook his head. "Anyway, I've got more important things to worry about right now."

"Oh? Like what?"

"How do we get the Hogyoku out of Rukia?"

"Oh…right. Knew I was forgetting something." Urahara scratched his cheek and chuckled sheepishly. "Bring her by later today. I'll take care of it."

"Thanks." Ichigo walked over to the ladder.

Then he turned around and stalked back toward Urahara.

"Nearly forgot something myself." Ichigo grinned evilly. He held up his hand and a blood-red orb started forming.

"Um…Ichigo…?"

"This isn't strong enough to kill you, so you should be good to take the Hogyoku out of Rukia." Urahara started to sweat. "But I just remembered I said I'd shove a Cero up your ass for putting it in her in the first place and all the problems it's caused." The glow from the Cero cast some rather ominous shadows on Ichigo's face. "Hold still and it will be over quick."

"Come on, Ichigo. Can't we talk about this?" Urahara backed away from the Arrancar. "Tessai? Yoruichi? Ururu? Anybody? Help?"

-x-

Yoruichi's ears twitched and she looked up from her catnap in a warm sunbeam.

Something just happened to Kisuke.

She shrugged and lay back down.

He probably deserved it.

-x-

Soifon dropped the bag of winnings on her desk. She had made that bet on a whim. She had most definitely not been expecting such a payoff.

And she was no longer obsessing over surpassing Lady Yoruichi. So she could finally relax a bit.

Maybe she could take a vacation…

Soifon shook her head. There was no way she would be able to get permission for a leave of absence in the current situation.

Speaking of which…

Soifon held out a hand and summoned a Hell Butterfly. Yamamoto had asked if there were any recommendations to fill the open Captain spots. Luckily, Soifon had an officer who she felt would make an excellent Captain.

The Hell Butterfly flapped its wings and darted off in search of Shusuke Amagai.

-x-

Ichigo hopped along the rooftops, keeping his eye out for Hollows. According to Tessai, Urahara would be out for a few hours, so he had some time to kill.

Ichigo came to a stop on the roof of a skyscraper. Hmm. There's some weird reiatsu coming from downtown. Ichigo scratched his head. That doesn't feel like anything I've ever seen before…

Ichigo jumped over a busy intersection, heading downtown, completely unaware of the pair of brown eyes staring up at him in shock.

-x-

"Tatsuki? Hello? Anybody home?"

Tatsuki blinked and turned her gaze from the sky to look at her best friend. "Um…I could have sworn I just saw Ichigo leaping tall buildings in a single bound while dressed like a samurai…"

Orihime stiffened. "Ah heh heh heh. Gosh, Tatsuki…you've got a really active imagination." She laughed nervously. "And I thought I had weird daydreams."

Tatsuki's eyes narrowed. "Hime, are you trying to hide something from me?"

"No! Of course not." Orihime squeaked.

"Does this have to do with that weird monster that attacked us at the school?"

Orihime slumped. "Oh…so you remember that."

"Of course I remember it! Why wouldn't I?"

Orihime opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted by a brown and purple blur running into her and knocking Orihime into Tatsuki.

"Orihime! Are you okay?" Tatsuki glared after the purple-haired girl that had kept running without even an apology. "Hey! Watch where you're going!"

Orihime regained her feet. "She's going in the same direction as Ichigo…"

"Huh?"

"Sorry, Tatsuki!" Orihime dashed off, following the girl.

"Wha-? Hey, Orihime!" Tatsuki took off after her. "Wait for me!"

-x-

"Oi, Shinigami! C'mon, we're going out."

Rukia stared at the blonde girl. "Going out?" The Vizard went out? Rukia had been under the impression they just hung out underground all day.

"Are you hard of hearing? Come on. We're going shopping."

Rukia just sat there and blinked.

Hiyori apparently finally got tired of just standing there and grabbed the sleeve of Rukia's shihakusho and dragged her off.

"Wha-? Hey! Cut it out! I can walk!"

Hiyori hauled her over to the gigai Urahara had sent over yesterday and dropped her into it.

"You've got enough of your power restored that your shihakusho has come back. I'm sick of looking at it, so we're going to get you some regular clothes."

Mashiro poked her head in the room. "Are you two coming? Lisa and I are waiting."

Reluctantly, Rukia followed the three female Vizard out of the warehouse and toward the shopping district. "How the heck am I going to wear these clothes? It's not like they'll stay on me when I leave my gigai…"

"A little invention of Urahara's. Sort of similar to the reishi converter that Urahara used to make the Senkaimon accessible to Ishida, Sado, and Inoue," Lisa answered.

When they reached the shopping district, all four girls stopped dead.

The district was full of odd looking, white spirits with pink, pin-shaped heads.

"What the hell is this?" Hiyori asked.

Here we go. We're jumping straight into the first movie, Memories of Nobody. Let the fun begin!

Yeah, the short chapters are back. They'll get longer. At some point.

Show of hands, who remembered Ichigo's promised punishment for Urahara?

I wonder what Soifon will do with all her money. Any ideas?