An Unexpected Invasion of the Insanity Squad
Chapter 2
Loki: *facepalm*
Opal: ...
Loki: *facepalm*
Opal: ?
Loki: *facefoot*
Opal: OK, WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE!?
Fanta: Nothing that involves me, Holly, Ninja and a mind control device.
Opal: fissshhhhhhhhhhhh... I will kill you... *slowly approaches Fanta*
Loki: *hi-fives himself*
Fanta: *uses splash and makes his way awkwardly to the door*
Loki: *tries to hi-five Opal*
Opal: LOKI IS TRYING TO HI-FIVE ME, THE END IS NIGH!
Fanta: yes! And when the apocalypse comes, Angela will not own The Hobbit, only the internet representations of Angela, Holly, Opal, Cassie, Piper and Ninja!
Ninja: but, that's exactly what it's like now...
Holly: *hi-fives Loki*
Opal: STOP IT! *tackles Holly*
Angela: Also, this is an apology for not dislaimering last chapter.
Opal: That's not-
Angela: IT IS SO TOO A WORD!
oOoOoOo
"Ughh! I HATE horse riding!" Angela groaned, sliding off her horse, Destiny. They had been on the road all day, and Angela, who had only ridden tame horses once before, had been very unprepared to deal with a hard day's ride.
"Me too!"
"Definitely!" Cassie and Piper agreed immediately. Holly simply shrugged and kept patting her horse, strangely enough named Horse No. 1. Cassie's horse was named Maximus, Piper's was named Buckbeak, and Opal's was named Delta. Charisma, who was quickly adapting to her new nickname of Ninja, hadn't decided on a name yet.
"I'm fine. How about you Ninja?" Opal smirked. Angela threw a pinecone at her friend, well aware she took horse riding classes during summer.
"OW!" Opal picked up the offending pinecone and hurled it back, smacking Holly in the arm. Retaliation quickly occurred, and soon flying greenery filled the air.
Half an hour later, the six panting girls surveyed the now messy clearing.
"I honestly cannot be bothered even trying to clean up. I'm so tired!" Cassie moaned, simply pushing aside some ferns and plonking down where she sat. The others murmured assent, before Piper voiced a worrying thought.
"Uh guys? Did we pack food of any kind?"
Dead silence. The six girls looked at each other with feelings of dread. "Well… I have apples?" Angela offered. The other four Melbourne girls snorted – Angela's apple obsession was legendary.
"I have bread rolls." Ninja was foraging through her bag. Apparently if you weren't looking for anything in particular whilst looking in the backpacks, they opened up completely. Ninja was shoulder deep and tilting dangerously. Angela held her foot just in case. She personally was thinking that one time she should climb inside and see if she would ever be able to climb out again.
"I have muesli bars." Piper shrugged.
"I have various sugary dentistry nightmares as does most of the others I imagine, but I think we should save them for the road, since they will give some of us," Opal looked at Angela and Holly, "Some… inventive dreams."
"What?" Ninja was confused, especially as the others all started snickering.
"Well, Holly and Angela in particular, but also Piper, they all sleeptalk, and it can get a tad ridiculous." Cassie explained. Angela smirked, recalling fold memories.
"Yeah, especially if you give Piper ten sherbet straws in a row!"
"OI! You promised not to mention that!" Piper threw another pinecone.
"ANYWAY!" Opal cleared her throat. "We'll have apples and bread rolls for dinner. Is this okay?"
"It'll be like Narnia!" Cassie bounced in excitement.
"I've always wanted to sleep under the stars." Angela added.
"Can we cook it? I wanna taste bread roasted in an apple!" Holly bounced.
"No. No fires. We don't want to be seen." Opal closed the discussion.
oOoOoOo
"MANA!" Holly shrieked, rolling around, and managing to seize Ninja's foot even though both arms were pinned to her sides by the sleeping bag. Ninja rolled away, and bumped into Angela, who was having her own dream.
"Cassie, stop mutilating your face, it isn't funny." She mumbled. Ninja stared, although it was unseen in the darkness. These were the people she was hanging out with? They certainly were very strange… Still, it's not as if she had much choice, and it was like Kat said: Embrace the insanity! And eat bacon, but Kat was like that.
Ninja gave up on trying to sleep, and simply sat up, leaning against a nearby fir to watch the madness around her. She spotted Opal frowning at her new phone and scooted over to join her.
"Whatcha doing?"
"Trying to figure out this new phone!" She somehow snarled in a whisper. Ninja leaned away slightly. Opal deflated. "Sorry. It's just, my older self gave me this, couldn't she find a manual or something? No, probably not… Anyway, I'm just trying to find the film or audio recorder function so I can film these idiots and show them what they were talking about when they wake up."
"Okay, well, mine should be that same model, so I'll check mine too, and if I figure it out, I'll let you know." Ninja smiled at the older girl, and pulled her own phone out of her backpack.
oOoOoOo
"Opal, we're co-old!" Holly chorused along with the others, widening her eyes until they started watering, a move that was totally planned and of course wasn't just thought up on the spot, why would you even suspect?
Opal facepalmed.
"I feel like I'm babysitting five year olds. Yes, even you Ninja." She added at the obviously insulted look Ninja was throwing her.
"Why can't we light a fire?" Holly was relentless.
"Because we'll be seen!"
"But-"
"NO! No buts!" Opal looked like she was severely resisting the temptation to rub her forehead. Holly pretended to sulk away, and sat on a rock, secretly giving her cousin the super secret code.
Yes. They did have a super secret code. Wonderfully observant, you are.
"Hey Holly, what are we gonna do?" Angela dove into the conversation with such intensity, Holly was slightly surprised that she hadn't hit rock bottom yet.
"Light a fire, obviously. Which reminds me. Here," Holly fished out half of the matchboxes she had stowed away and chucked them to Angela. Angela's answering smile was blinding.
"Whoohoo! Fire!"
"Now, I want you to distract Opal, so I can light the fire. Capsicum?"
Angela rolled her eyes. "Holly, it's Capiché, not Capsicum."
"Meh. Now go, minion!"
"I'm not your minion!" Angela protested, but she went anyway. Holly smirked.
Two minutes later
Opal was occupied, and the others were cold and tired of raw bread, so they agreed to help Holly with her master plan. Oh, Fanta would be so jealous that she had managed to get one over the Masteress Opal!
"She quickly built the fire, small twigs lining up against a large log to help the large log light quickly. With quick fingers trembling from excitement and did she mention the cold, Holly lit the match and let the wood blaze up with a feeling of satisfaction. They would have warmth! They would have cooked food, they would have-
Opal's hiking boot ground down on the burgeoning flames, crushing them into the newly-made ash. Holly shot looks of betrayal at the other three girls. They were supposed to be watching!
"WE. WILL. BE. SEEN!" Opal ground out through gritted teeth, seemingly only managing to stop herself from screaming by a huge force of will. "How did you not get this?! Thorin Oakenshield is over there with twelve other dwarves, a hobbit, a wizard-"
"And a partridge in a pear tree apparently." Angela muttered, but not low enough to escape Opal's wrath. She threw an extremely dirty look at Holly's cousin and muttered "Shut up Spaz," Before continuing her rant.
"He is already suspicious of us! If he saw that fire, and sent someone to investigate, he might just kill us to stop the secret of Erebor getting out! Are you purposefully trying to get his attention?" Now her voice turned sarcastic. "Would you like to just bounce around the campsite yelling at the top of your lungs, 'HELLO THORIN OAKENSHIELD, LOOK, HERE ARE THOSE TEENAGE GIRLS YOU DECIDED TO INSULT AND ABANDON SEVENN DAYS AGO, WE'RE SECRETLY STALKING YOU, MAY WE HAVE A FIRE NOW'?
"Okay." Holly grinned brightly, and proceeded to do exactly that.
Opal groaned. "I cannot even control her anymore." She moaned to Angela. "We'll have to set up watches so that we'll at least have advanced warning if Thorin gets suspicious."
"Yeah. Stay out of sight Holly." Angela ordered.
"I will." She nodded and went and sat in a corner to check if her fingers had developed frostbite yet. "Hello." She told them cheerfully.
oOoOoOo
"We need to start keeping a closer eye on them," Opal whispered to Angela as she returned from yet another of her self-imposed scouting missions. "They're telling the story of Azog now."
"So, how long till the trolls?" whispered Angela.
Opal shrugged. "No idea. It doesn't say in the movie."
"Why are we whispering?" asked a voice.
"Because they might hear us..." Opal paused. "Wait what?" she continued in her normal voice. She turned around to see who had spoken and shrieked, reaching for her baseball bat.
"Relax," said the person standing behind the squad, holding up his hands. "I'm here to help you."
Opal looked him up and down. The stranger was apparently an elf, if the pointed ears and perfect hair were anything to go by, but... Opal did a double take. What the hell was an elf doing wearing jeans and a t-shirt?
"Okay," Opal said warily. "Who the hell are you?"
The elf smiled. "Eru Illuvatar at your service," he said.
"WHAT?" Opal went white and fainted.
A minute later
Opal woke up. "Please tell me that was all a dream?" She begged weakly.
Cassie shrugged at her. "Nope."
Angela and Ninja stared at Eru. "Wow," the two said in unison. "You're Eru?"
"Yep!" Eru grinned cheerfully.
"Who?" asked Piper.
"I think I know the name..." Cassie said thoughtfully.
"Fanta's nemesis from the Sanity Agency!" Holly cried. "Get him!"
She was about to jump on Eru, but Cassie, Ninja and Angela held her back.
"Actually he's like the boss-god-creator-of-Middle-Earth person," Angela said. "Hence why Opal fainted." She paused. "He's like Aslan."
"ASLAN!" shrieked Cassie, glomping Eru.
"That is my name in another world," Eru said, gently prising Cassie off him.
Cassie stared. "Narnia exists?"
"Indeed it does."
"I WANNA GO TO NARNIA!"
Opal chose that moment to 'reboot' from her mental version of the Windows Blue Screen of Death™. "Holy cow. Eru Illuvatar... Okay," she said, getting to her feet. "Why are you wearing jeans and a t-shirt? It's weird to think of you as being a bloody god and you're wearing normal clothes."
Eru shrugged. "These are comfortable."
"Okay... Anyway, was there a reason for your visit, or are you merely here to try and turn us into Mary-Sues? I'm telling you, I refuse to be a Mary-Sue! Never, you hear me? NEVER!"
"Opal, the fourth wall does exist," Angela commented. "Contrary to what you seem to believe."
"I do NOT want to become a Sue!"
"I'm not going to turn you into a Sue," Eru said reassuringly. "I'm just going to make sure you stay alive for the duration of your adventures. You will still be able to get injured, you just won't die from your injuries."
"What are you going to do?" Opal asked suspiciously.
Eru flicked a hand and a golden light surrounded each of the six girls. "You are now immortal and cannot die. Also any wounds you do receive will heal much faster than normal." Opal's eyes widened and she fainted again.
Ten minutes later...
Opal woke up and leapt to her feet, baseball bat in hand. "Where is he?" she growled. "I'm not a Mary-Sue, I'm not a Mary-Sue!"
"But you are dressed as one!" Angela protested.
Opal looked down and shrieked at the pink frilly dress she was now wearing over her t-shirt and shorts. Her trainers had been replaced with pink high-heels, and she had a sneaking suspicion she was wearing makeup. Opal glared around at her friends and spotted Holly and Ninja openly cackling.
"They dressed me up like this!" Opal cried, pointing at Holly and Ninja. "And this can't be my dress because I hate pink!"
Angela turned to Holly and Ninja. "Well we did do the dress," Holly said.
"And the makeup," Ninja added.
"But she is a Mary-Sue!" the two girls said in unison.
"She turned me into a newt!" Piper said. Everyone looked at her. Piper shuffled her feet. "I got better."
Opal threw up her hands in defeat, grabbed her bag and stomped off to take off the dress and makeup. The effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that she fell over the ridiculously high high-heels she was wearing.
oOoOoOo
"Would you all just SHUT UP!" Opal spun around on Delta's back and glared at them. Cassie meeped.
"Sorry Masteress…"
"Complete. Silence. I want to know if you lot are actually capable of quiet once every decade!" Opal snapped and spun around, facing forwards stonily.
With a wide grin, Angela turned around fully, holding up her phone so they others could see the words 'GET ON TEXT NOW' that were on her screen. Feeling curious, Cassie dug her phone out, as did the others.
'So what are we doing? Cass, Minion of Masteress'
'Annoying Opal, what else? Spaz'
'How? Piper'
'By being completely silent, of course! It's what she thinks she wants, but to have us acting so out of character will actually really creep her out. Clumsy Ninja'
'Wow, that almost sounded profound. Spaz'
'Shut up Angela. Clumsy Ninja'
'You can't make me! Spaz'
'But I could tickle you! Brewmaster Bobby Fisherman Fisherman Tank Joe The Eighty Ninth Of The Cenarion Circle The Kingslayer Jenkins Defender Of A Shattered World'
'HOLLY, UR SIGNATURE'S TOO LONG! Spaz'
'Holly, change ur sig! Cass, Minion of Masteress'
'Holly, your sig's too long. Piper'
'NEVER! Brewmaster Bobby Fisherman Fisherman Tank Joe The Eighty Ninth Of The Cenarion Circle The Kingslayer Jenkins Defender Of A Shattered World'
'… Let's talk about something else, shall we? Spaz'
'Like what? Piper'
'Well, I've never read the book, and not seen the movie yet, so assuming we're following the movie, maybe someone could give me an overview? Clumsy Ninja'
'Oh yeah, me too! Piper'
'Okay. So basically Bilbo Baggins is this stuffy little hobbit who lives at home and loves food and then one day Gandalf the mighty wizard appears and is like U NEED TO GO ON AN ADVENTURE BILBO and Bilbo is like MAKE ME, so Gandalfs goes OKAY, SEE U SOON, BAI and vanishes, so Bilbos all confused but ignores it, and that night his homes invaded by dwarves, and Gandalfs just laughing and going ROFL I TOLD U SO, but then Bilbos a wuss and faint when the others tell him about the dragon, and they ask him to join and he says NO, but he wakes up the next morning, and thinks to himself YOLO and goes off to join them. Then they ride for a bit, and they have storytelling time, which we saw, then they fight and petrify trolls, and then they run into birdpoo Radagast, and he leads orcs away so they cany go to Rivendell, and Thorins just like HATE YOU ELROND, and Elrond is just HATE YOU BACK but Gandalf gets him to read the map and magic writing pops up. Then Elrond is all like ITS TOO DANGEROUS. UR A FOOL GANDALF so Gandalf sneaks them out of Rivendell, and they get in the middle of a giant fight, and then they sleep in a cave, and then they get captured by goblins and then escape by killing the king, but Bilbo falls down a hole and runs into Gollum and is like PISS OFF CREEPY WERDO, and Gollum just keeps going MY PRESCIOUS, GIVE IT TO ME, So Bilbo gets the ring, then finds the dwarves again, even though they're all like BILBOS A LOSER, HES GONE BY NOW and then Bilbo pops out and goes NOPE, SUCKERS, but then orcs come, and fight them, and burn trees down, and Bilbo saves Thorins life, and then the eagles come and drop them on the top of some really batshit random mountain. The end of part one. Spaz'
'…Wow, that felt unnecessarily long even though I know it held most contents of the movie and actually missed some stuff. Brewmaster Bobby Fisherman Fisherman Tank Joe The Eighty Ninth Of The Cenarion Circle The Kingslayer Jenkins Defender Of A Shattered World'
'IKR? Spaz'
'Well, I think I understand everything. Clumsy Ninja'
'Yeah, pretty sure I got everything. Piper'
'K, cool. Spaz'
"Okay, I give up! Why are you all so quiet?" Opal spun around. Cassie hid her phone reflexively, startled at the sudden noise after about twenty minutes of silence.
"What?"
"Why are you so quiet?" Opal repeated. "I know you're up to something, I just don't know how you're communicating to do it!"
"Um… Semafore?" Angela offered.
There was two beats of silence. Cassie broke it, howling with laughter, the others joining in, Holly almost slipping off Horse No. 1.
oOoOoOo
"Old Man!" Opal yelled to Angela, who was about five horselengths in front of the group. Angela grinned, although it was unseen.
"Girl!" She yelled back.
"Girl, sorry. Who is that girl on that horse over there?" Opal waved a hand a Ninja, who was smirking.
"I'm a female!" Angela was openly grinning now.
"What?" Opal adopted a puzzled expression.
"I'm a female. I'm not a man."
"Well, I can't just call you 'girl'."
"You could call me Angela."
"I didn't know you were called Angela."
"Didn't bother to find out, did you?
"I did say sorry about the `old man,' but from the behind you looked-"
"What I object to," Angela was really enjoying herself now, and working herself up into a big rant, pretend or otherwise. "Is you automatically treat me like an inferior!"
"Well, I am a Masteress. Look, I have a minion!" Opal waved a hand at Cassie, who was trying to bow whilst on horseback.
"Oh Masteress, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the poor brainwashed masses - by hanging on to out-dated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-" Angela was laughing so hard she was having trouble getting the words out.
"Angie! There's some lovely blackberries over here! Oh, hello!" Piper broke in, also trying to bow on horseback. Opal nearly lost it right there, but managed to hold it in and continue.
"Hello, good lady. I am Masteress Opal, Queen of Middle-Earth." Opal didn't want to risk a bow, so she nodded her head at Piper.
"Queen of where?" Piper grinned.
"Middle-Earth."
"Where's Middle-Earth?"
"This is Middle-Earth, it is where we are now! I am its ruler!"
"I didn't know Middle-Earth had a queen. I thought it was an autonomous collective." Piper was having fun.
"You're fooling yourself. It's living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-" Angela ranted.
"Oh there you go, bringing class into it again." Piper moaned theatrically. Ninja had long ago succumbed to giggles.
" That's what it's all about! If only people would-" Angela got so riled up the brought her fist down on Destiny's neck, who snorted at her disapprovingly.
"Please, please good people, I am in haste. Who is that girl over there?"
"No one." Piper had to dodge a rubber at that one.
"What do you mean, no one?" Opal was outraged.
"Well, she's just a robot, you see, with advanced steering-"
"Yes." Opal saw where this was going now.
"And a flesh covering-"
"Yes, I see."
"And we also installed it with growth hormones, so it would be able to grow hair and skin-"
"Be quiet!"
"And also to grow, although at a decreased-"
"BE QUIET! I order you to be quiet!"
"Order, eh? Who does she think she is?" Piper complained to Angela.
"I'm your Masteress."
"Well, I didn't vote for you!" Holly had gotten tired of not being included, and had taken over Piper's job.
"You don't vote for Masters!"
"Well, how'd you become a Masteress then?"
"I smote down the Mighty Cassie, and Smaug, when we get there, and bound her to me as my minion. That is how I became a Masteress!" Opal threw a pinecone at Angela for playing dramatic music during her speech.
"Listen, lady. Binding some random girl to you as a slave-"
"Minion!" Cassie insisted.
"Slave, binding some random girl to you as a slave is absolutely no reason to declare yourself a Masteress! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical ceremony."
"Shut up!" Opal cried hands flying over her ears, while Cassie pelted Angela with pinecones for suggesting she was a slave.
"I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because I'd overpowered some hussy, they'd put me away!"
"SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Opal finally spun around and joined the pinecone assault. Angela ducked and dodged as many as she could, while shouting,
"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!"
"SHUT UP!" Ninja joined the assault.
"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERITING THE SYSTEM! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!"
"BLOODY PEASANT!" Opal gave in and howled with laughter, as did the rest of the squad. The horses just plodded along quietly.
oOoOoOo
"Hide!" Angela hissed, dashing back through the bushes. "Quick!"
Everyone scattered, Opal feeling glad that the horses were tethered further into the forest. She grabbed her bag, as did the others, and they all ducked under greenery or behind trees.
A few seconds later, Opal saw why, as Gandalf came storming past in a right temper. She was almost tempted to stop him, but then she remembered why he was so angry in the first place.
'Where are you going?'
'To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense - Myself!'
"Oh crap. It's the trolls. Guys, we have to find the Company now!" She hissed as soon as Gandalf was safely past.
"Yes sir ma'am lady person thing!" Angela saluted. Opal scowled at her.
"Let's go!"
oOoOoOo
AN: If anyone is confused, which is totally not me, why would you even suspect, the order of POV's is Angela, Ninja, Holly, Opal, Cassie, Piper, Angela, Opal. Angela and Opal are probably going to have a higher percentage of POV's than the others, but I'll put some in.
AN 2: Apologies for Angela(my)'s text speak whilst annotating the first hobbit movie. I am well aware that not all teenagers talk or text like that, hell, we're teenagers, and we don't talk or text like that, I just wanted to amplify how stupid it sounds somewhat. Also, the first movie takes a ridiculously long time to describe unless you use text talk. And it was fun.
AN 3: Now, it's time for all of you to try and spot the Disney reference in here! There'll be at least one in every chapter! There's sort of one-and-a-half in this one because one of them isn't a direct quote, it's just implied. Have fun! And don't forget to review!
Angela