An Unexpected Invasion of the Insanity Squad
Chapter 3 – The Trolls are a Bit Tied Up
Fanta: does thou want a yellow banana?
Opal: not really.
Fanta: ist thou sure?
Opal: yes, definitely, I am not taking anything for you.
Fanta: thou hast hurt mine feelings, I… I must go! *swims to other side of tank* Holly! Give this to Opal! It is not urgent!
Holly: alright, hey Opal! You want a nana? You wanna nananananaaaaaa?
Opal: um… still no.
Holly: iiiiiits yellooooooow!
Opal: is that meant to make it MORE appealing?
Holly: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! apPEELing, PFFFFAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Opal: yeah… good for you.
Holly: by golly, I'm fabulous! Hey Cassie, want a Banana?
Draxie: I don't know, is it poisoned?
Holly, well… I got it from Fanta, so I'd say so.
Fanta: lies. It is just rotten. It is stinking up my tank. Remove it.
Cassie: in THAT case! *eats banana*
Fanta: so, what was your fortune?
Opal: I'm sorry, is it a fortune banana?
Fanta: no, Holly just got bored and wrote on it.
Holly: I am so sorry, it will probably happen again in three to four hours.
Fanta: apology rejected.
Holly: thank you oh genderless one, how goes the banana Cassied one?
Cassie: it says the Angela doesn't own The Hobbit and only owns the representations of herself and her friends. And various unmentioned cows.
Holly: I own the mentioned ones.
Angela: *emerges from Fanta's bowl* I heard my name.
Opal: could this day get any weirder?
Cassie: well, I have bananas spilling out of my nostrils.
Opal: ENOUGH! I'M LEAVING! *leaves*
Fanta: FREE BANANAS FOR ALL!
Angela: HOORAY!
Holly: HOORAY FOR NOSTRIL BANANAS!
oOoOoOo
"Opal, wait!" Angela leapt forwards and grabbed her friend's hand, dragging her back into the forest. Heedless of Opal's glare, she continued. "We need a plan. What, exactly were you going to do once you'd run into that clearing?"
Opal opened her mouth with a superior look, and then closed it again once she realized that she didn't have an answer. Angela ignored the giggles that were fighting like deranged hamsters to escape her and continued. "We can't go charging in there, we need to think this through, and I don't think we should test that invulnerability thing Clarence gave us too soon, don't you think?"
Opal scowled at her. "How come you get to be the reasonable one?"
"We drew lots while you were sleeping." Angela replied instantly, smothering laughter. Opal scowled harder, before looking around at their small group.
"Any ideas?"
"Poison them?" Piper offered
"With what?" The idea was shot down unanimously.
"Let the dwarves do their thing?" Angela suggested.
"But we want them to like us, and saving them from the trolls seems like the best way." Ninja replied.
"True, true."
"OOH! OOH! Ninja started jumping up and down. "What if five of us sat around the edge of the clearing, like in trees or something, and distracted the trolls while the sixth tied up their feet, then when they tried to take a step, they'd fall over, we could come down and tie them up properly, and just wait for sunrise! Problem solved!"
"Excellent, super speed go!" Holly raised her hands in a superhero pose. When nothing happened she scowled at the sky. "Damnit Sir Eyebrowface the Third, I thought you liked me!"
Angela and the others dissolved into laughter while Holly pouted theatrically. Once she had calmed down, Opal sat up again and grinned. "Ninja, you're a genius! Angela, you have rope, don't you?"
"Yep!" Angela pulled out three coils of fluorescent rope. Cassie squinted.
"Is that apples drawn on in texta?"
"…No…" Angela looked away. The others all snorted with laughter, before Angela raised her hand. "I nominate myself to do the rope tying!"
"Alright, everyone who wants to do it, hands up." Opal ordered. Just Ninja did it. "Okay, scissors, paper, rock."
Ninja won, so Angela grudgingly handed over the rope, and the others split up to pick trees, while Ninja crept into the clearing.
oOoOoOo
As Ninja snuck forwards, somehow amazingly not tripping on something, she heard the trolls bitching to each other, their voices indistinguishable yet, but the volume getting louder. Finally she reached the trees that ringed the clearing, just in time to hear a loud sneeze.
"Oh, That's lovely, that is." Said one of the trolls that was wearing an apron. The other one that had not sneezed, who happened to be wearing a loincloth, shrugged uninterestedly.
"Might improve the flavour."
"There's more where that came from!" The last squeaked, starting to sneeze again. The apron one grabbed his nose fiercely, causing him to cry out.
Ninja spotted a flash of red in the shadows and, loosing interest in the sibling squabbles, she slipped in the shadows over to the pony paddock, where she had seen the colour. She came across Bilbo Baggins trying fruitlessly to untie the knots holding the makeshift fence together. She put a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped violently, but thankfully didn't make a sound.
"Bilbo, leave the ponies." Ninja hissed into his ear. Feeling him tense up, she went on urgently. "No, just do it. Remember us? The human girls? We've got it under control. Just go get Thorin and bring him here, okay?"
Bilbo nodded cautiously, and turned to run out of the clearing silently. Ninja stared after him enviously for a moment. If only I could run that fast and quiet….
Shaking herself, she ducked back towards the trolls, who were now arguing about drinks, but she tripped and landed on a large twig, that cracked under her weight with a loud snap! The three trolls stopped their argument mid-word, and the apron one got up and started to walk towards her hiding place.
Ninja closed her eyes briefly. Oh shit. Suddenly, a shout came from one of the trees on the other side of the clearing; clearly Angela had come to rescue her. "OI! Meatheads!"
The trolls spun around and followed the voice like a trio of ugly dogs. Opal's voice, accompanied by a pinecone or two, flew from a tree to Ninja's left. "Wow, Spaz, that's real original!"
"Oh yeah? Well, why don't you show me something worth hearing then?" Cassie's voice, coming from a tree nearer to Angela.
"Well, pea-brain's already been used, so what about Hairless Butt-Monkeys?" Piper called, seemingly from a tree opposite Opal.
"Honestly, Pip, I'm pretty sure that would be an insult to butt monkeys. They're almost bad enough to be minions of Fanta!"
"Ouch, Holly, that's almost too cruel." Angela jeered.
The voices flew thick and fast, a mixture of teasing for each other and insults aimed at the trolls. The tolls themselves had even stopped moving in their confusion, which allowed Ninja to creep towards them. She poked the sneezing one in the ankle, and got no reaction, so she quickly tugged rope around their ankles separately before tying their feet to each other for good measure before backing away.
Perhaps as a response to this, there was a lull in the insults for a second, before all five voices yelled simultaneously, from the same position, "OVER HERE!"
As though a fog had lifted from their minds, the trolls blinked and started forwards, before squealing and struggling as they tipped forwards almost in slow motion. Once they hit the ground, Ninja dashed forwards, handing a coil of rope to the others, who had appeared from their trees as they hogtied the three trolls thoroughly. Ninja looked up and was surprised to see that it was nearly dawn; the entire fight had felt only like five minutes.
"Oi! Let us out!" The loincloth troll yelled, rolling around fruitlessly on the ground. Opal placed a finger over her lips, as though she was considering something.
"Hmm… No."
She turned away, towards the back of the clearing which was still illuminated clearly by the firelight. Ninja looked too, and got a shock. The entire Company of Thorin Oakenshield were standing there with their mouths open, plus Gandalf, who was leaning on his staff and looking smug.
oOoOoOo
Opal was the first one to crack, with a snort that set the others off. Within minutes the Squad was rolling on the ground, laughing their heads off, while the Company stared at them in confusion and worry. Balin was the first to break it, stepping forwards hesitantly and clearing his throat.
"Lassies, are you all right?"
Opal shook her head and held her breath in an attempt to stop the giggles, and eventually she was able to sit up, before she started poking the others in an attempt to get them to do the same. Eventually they were all serious again, and they stared at Balin.
"Thank you." He said, with a self-conscious look towards Thorin, and ignoring the trolls' mixture of begging and death threats. "You put yourselves into danger for our ponies, and you didn't have to. You have our thanks."
Thorin nodded, but perhaps wisely, said nothing. Opal remembered, and he most likely did too, that two of their number had attacked him (with rubbers and pinecones, but to a suspicious dwarf like Thorin, an attack was an attack).
Just then, the sun rose above the boulder that had been hiding it, and with cries of pain the trolls were petrified. Gandalf stalked forwards to inspect the statues, now they were no longer capable of grabbing him, and peered closely at them. "They must have come down from the Ettenmoors."
"Since when do mountain trolls venture in this far south?" Thorin asked shrewdly. The Squad backed away, leaving the company to their private conversations.
"Well done, Ninja!" Opal grinned. "That was amazing!"
"Except for that twig, I thought my heart had stopped." Cassie grinned.
They continued chatting about inane things until Gandalf waved them over. "We are going to explore the hills; see if the troll horde has anything interesting to offer." He told them shrewdly. Opal smiled disarmingly at him. He snorted and turned away.
They headed into the hills, and, following the large track, it was not long until they came across the cave. Opal peered in and, at the smell, vetoed entering immediately. Angela and Cassie agreed. The other three headed in though, eager to explore.
Ten minutes later the company, minus Nori, Bofur and Gloin, reappeared, Gandalf, Thorin and Bilbo with shiny new swords. That gave Opal an idea, and, holding her nose, she quickly entered the cave, and just as quickly exited it, holding a bundle of different blades.
"Insanity Squad, take your pick!" She called. All the girls came and grabbed a sword, except for Angela, who chose two daggers that appeared to be part of a matching set, and Cassie, who only picked one dagger, stating that she 'wasn't really a fighter.'
"Now, Master Gandalf, are we to head to Rivendell?" Opal asked sweetly, partly to confuse Gandalf, and partly to piss off Thorin. Gandalf looked surprised. "How did you-"
"NO! We will not be staying at the home of that-" Thorin snarled something that was likely uncomplimentary in Khuzdul.
"Oh get over yourself, you great pansy!" Opal snapped, irritation at Thorin overcoming her good sense. Her sarcastic answer startled Thorin (who was not used to anyone challenging his authority) so much that he retorted automatically,
"Do I look like a pansy to you?"
"No, more like a begonia." Angela piped up. Opal turned to glare at her, even though her own lips were twitching uncontrollably. There was a rustle in the bushes nearby, and the snickers and giggles present amongst the dwarves vanished in an instant as they reached for their bows.
"Thieves! Fire! Murder!" A voice shrieked as a sled drawn by giant rabbits hurtled into the clearing. Gandalf raised an eyebrow at the small wizard upon it.
"Radagast."
Gandalf relaxed as Radagast hurried off his sled and over to him. "I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong." He gasped.
"Yes…?" Gandalf prompted. Radagast opened his mouth to say something, and then paused. He tried again, with no success. Angela smothered a giggle as she saw Bilbo glance around with a befuddled look on his face.
"Oh. Just give me a minute." Radagast looked distressed. "Oh. I had a thought and now I've lost it. It was right there on the tip of my tongue." The last word came out muffled, and Radagast calmed as a realization came to him. "Oh. Ith not a tought ath all. Ith a thilly old..." He stuck out his tongue, revealing a stick insect, which Gandalf pulled off carefully. "...stick insect."
oOoOoOo
While Gandalf and Radagast talked about the spider infestation in Mirkwood, an infestation that Opal thought with loathing that they would soon become very close too, she and Angela headed down into the huddle of dwarves, who, while not relaxing completely, had spread out from their tight defensive huddle. Angela headed to Kili, warning him to keep his bow near, while Opal handled Thorin.
"Listen, Your Maj." Opal began bluntly, capturing his attention. "You might wanna keep your weapons close. Angela was climbing the trees, and she thought she saw something coming." The Squad had decided to keep their foreknowledge secret, mainly because it would make them the target of less suspicion, and just be easier overall.
"Why are you telling me this?" Thorin asked; suspicion heavy in his gaze. Opal shrugged light-heartedly.
"We want you to trust us. Giving you useful information might help."
Thorin nodded, but spun around when he heard Bilbo's anxious question. "Was that a wolf?"
Opal cursed. "SQUAD, WEAPONS!" She yelled. She ran back to where they had left their bags, and grabbed hers, pulling her shiny new sword out as she swung the bag onto her back. She saw the Warg sneaking up behind Bilbo and Bofur, and tried to take a swing at it, but the balance of the sword caught her by surprise, causing the tip of the sword to land in the dirt, and, unable to stop her forwards momentum, she tripped over the sword and sprawl at the Warg's feet.
Oh god, I'm gonna die! Opal shrieked mentally as the Warg appeared to blink as its latest meal delivered itself to its feet. However it got over its surprise quickly and advanced, growling. Its forward advance was quickly halted as one of Angela's shiny new daggers sprouted from its skull. With a surprised whine the Warg keeled over, dead.
As soon as she registered that it was actually dead, Opal scrambled upright, backing away and grabbing Angela's dagger (pulling out of the skull with a meaty thunk as she did so) and her own sword as she did so. She realized that the other Warg had been killed by Kili, as it should have been, and that Angela was racing towards her.
"Ow… Angie… Can't breathe!" Opal gasped as Angela glomped her forcefully. Angela muttered something, but let go, accepting her dagger from Opal.
"Where did you learn to throw knives?" Opal asked. Angela shrugged, looking down in embarrassment.
"I didn't. Never done that before. Bit of a surprise since I'm such a klutz, huh?"
"You can say that again!" Ninja grinned. Angela smirked.
"I didn't. Never done that before. Bit of a surprise since I'm such a klutz, huh?" She deadpanned. Opal scowled even though her shoulders were shaking with laughter. She realized that the Company around them were totally silent, and looked around. Nearly all the dwarves were staring at her.
"What?" She asked self-consciously. Bofur blinked.
"Uh… Well, we've never seen someone so bad at the sword. It's almost impossible to be as bad as you are on your first try." He told her with blunt honestly. Opal glared at him. He shrugged, grinning cheekily.
Gloin muttered to Balin, just loud enough for Opal to hear, "I think we'd better start training them. For the good of the company."
"Aye." Balin agreed cheerfully, missing the laser beams emitting from Opal's eyes. "The other one though, pure natural with the knives."
Without looking, Opal reached over and smacked Angela lightly, causing the as yet unseen grin to wipe itself off her face.
"Warg scouts. Which means an Orc pack is not far behind." Thorin announced darkly, pulling his sword from where he'd stuck it into the Warg just to make sure it was dead. Behind Gandalf, Bilbo squeaked fearfully:
"Orcs?!"
"Who did you tell about your quest beyond your kin?" Gandalf demanded, dwarfing Thorin in height and intimidating personality.
"No one!" Thorin snapped in return.
"WHO DID YOU TELL?" Gandalf bellowed.
"No one, I swear!" Opal noticed that Thorin looked both angry and upset at the fact that he had had to sound apologetic at that last statement. However, he quickly regained his composure and demanded brusquely, "What in Durin's name is going on?!"
"You are being hunted." Gandalf replied, looking around distractedly.
"We should really leave." Piper piped up, shifting anxiously. Dwalin nodded at her approvingly.
"Good idea, Lass."
"We can't! The ponies have bolted!" Ori yelled, dashing into the clearing on a knell above the group. Thorin groaned and turned away.
"I'll draw them off." Radagast announced suddenly, causing Cassie to jump in surprise; she had forgotten the brown Wizard was there.
"These are Gundabad Wargs. They will outrun you." Gandalf warned, turning and striding back towards the shorter Wizard. Radagast smirked cheekily at him.
"These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I'd like to see them try."
oOoOoOo
Soon after, the Squad and the Company were dashing over the open fields, trying to keep as many boulders between themselves and the Orcs as possible. Angela thought wryly that if there were less running and it didn't feel so deadly, it would almost be like a giant game of hide and seek.
In the distance, she could vaguely hear Radagast laughing like a manic as he ducked and dodged a variety of boulders and Orc projectiles, yelling merrily at the top of his lungs as he did so. She wondered randomly what he'd be like with explosives, then realised that there was probably a reason that Gandalf had never given Radagast the recipe for fireworks.
"Why are we going to Rivendell!?" She could hear Thorin hiss to Gandalf during one of their dashes to the next hideaway. Gandalf, in typical Gandalf fashion, simply shrugged noncommittally and turned away. Angela sidled up next to the grumpy Dwarven King, and told him (in between pants, as even though she was quite a runner, it only applied so far), "I think they have something that will help us on our journey to Erebor."
"I would never trust an elf to do the right thing by a dwarf." Thorin hissed angrily, somehow not panting at all. "Besides," he added, with a sideways glance. "We haven't agreed if you're coming or not yet."
Before Angela had the chance to either yell at him or try to smack him, he moved ahead with a smug smirk.
As they dashed behind yet another rock formation, Thorin hissed something, and every dwarf stiffened. Just as she was about to ask why, Angela noted the heavy breathing that indicated an Orc and Warg directly above them.
oOoOoOo
Opal saw the pointed glance that Thorin gave first Kili, then his bow, but before he could draw it fully, she laid a hand on his arm, crouched down to remain hidden as it were. At their confused looks, she gestured towards Angela. Opal nudged Angela and pointed at the dagger, then at the orc. Angela seemed to understand, and waited for Kili's silent count before they both leapt out. Kili fired at the Warg, and Angela threw one of her daggers at the Orc.
Unfortunately, Kili's shot was not enough to kill the Warg (although Angela's was, having managed to hit the Orc right in the neck), and it took several heavy blows to the head and neck of the Warg to put it out. Also unfortunately, it was Angela doing the heavy blows.
"This - is - for - taking - me - from - my - home - and - making - me - work - with - stubborn - dwarves!" Angela hissed venemously as she thwacked the now dead Warg with unnessary force. Opal absently noticed the dwarves backing away from the now apparently insane girl, but she ignored them and, creeping up from behind, took the axe out of Angela's hand before she turned on them.
"Um... Angie, I'm pretty sure it's dead now..." She ventured.
"I know!" Opal was taken aback at the cheery grin and smile on the other girl's face.
"...Then why are you attacking a dead Warg?"
"... Anger management?" Angela offered sweetly after a moment of thought. Opal sighed and facepalmed, before stiffening as she heard approaching Orcs.
Oh shit, Opal thought. She groaned and handed Angela her dagger, preparing to run. She gestured to the other members of the Squad and the Company, indicating that they should do likewise. Hardly any of the dwarves did so, however.
"Move!" Gandalf yelled, also noticing the orcs, abandoning all traces of discretion and racing away, closely followed by the others. "RUN!"
oOoOoOo
The race after that was far more frantic than Piper was comfortable with; then again, she was hardly comfortable with any of this. Excitement and adventure, she was all for it, but she could be killed at any minute. The orcs and wargs were getting closer, she could even see them on a nearby hill.
"Thorin!" Gandalf called from up ahead, his long legs making him the fastest runner out of all of them. "The entrance to Rivendell is up ahead!"
"Kili! Shoot them! Dwalin, keep them at bay!" Thorin snapped before he turned and jogged over to Gandalf. Piper couldn't heard their conversation, but from what she could see, Thorin was doing a lot of angry growling, and Gandalf was doing lots of irritated pleading. Eventually Thorin gave in with an angry huff and turned away, calling, "This way! Under the boulders, quickly!" to the others.
He kept guard at the top of the entrance, using his sword to warn back any orcs who got the idea to attack and ushering in the dwarves, starting with Kili, whom he almost had to drag way from the fight. After Kili followed Fili and the other dwarves, with the older and more experienced ones ushering in the others as they leapt, slid or fell into the hole. Thorin insisted that the Squad go last, with Piper fumed at, albeit silently. However, her spirits were raised slightly by Ninja and Angela both managing to trip into the hole, to her private amusement and Opal's obvious consternation.
"Those two…" She sighed, sliding in daintily. Piper and Cassie followed her lead, while Holly decided to jump in feet first. Once they were all inside, Thorin turned to Gandalf.
"And are you sure that this passage leads to… Rivendell?" He asked with a curl of his lip.
"Of course!" Gandalf replied, looking insulted.
"Well then, we'd better get going!" Bofur called, and walked off into the tunnel.
oOoOoOo
OMG Guys, I am SO SORRY about how long it's taken me to write this chapter, apart from the trolls nothing very interesting is happening, and I'm faced with a constant struggle of making sure I write all 14 canon characters in while also making my six integral to the plot. So yeah. Unfortunately I cannot promise any faster chapters, because I have no idea where I'm taking this story, and I only have tiny snippets of ideas I want to implement written. Add to that I have about 6 other stories that are on/off right now, and its gonna be a while…
On a positive note though, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! Seriously though, some reviews would make a great birthday present!
Other good news is that the lovely NinjawithImagination has given in to my on-my-knees pleading and agreed to become my beta (although, probably more to fix the horrible grammar and punctuation than begging on my part). So yeah, they should be markedly better from here on out.
See ya!
Angela