Wow, sorry that I didn't update this like in the time I did the first chapters. Juior year is such crap. I had this written besides like a page and just never had time to finish it. Anyhow I'm really proud of this chapter and I think it may be one of the best chapters I've written of like anything. I really hope that you like it. It is TOTALLY angsty.

Please read and Review!

xoxo Jules

Dedicated to Meg ;) haha lol I updated for you

Chapter 5: "Open your eyes"

Marissa's POV: "and how much I care"

It just figures that we would pick the coldest night to run. God, for once if things could just go our way, but no. They never do. Someone somewhere hates me. I really think so.

"It's freezing." Summer complained as she pulled her jacket around her

"Well maybe if you weren't wearing a mini skirt." Seth said

I rolled my eyes at the two as I trailed along behind them. They liked each other too much for their own good. We all know that Seth doesn't mind her skirt the way he's been staring at her legs the entire night.

I'm was used to this weather. We didn't have heat when I was little. There's nothing like a Chicago winter.

Looking around you couldn't escape the Christmas lights. They were strung from the light posts and wrapped around trees. If you looked in the windows of the houses that lined the street you could see families snuggled up on couches by the fires. Some opening presents... others just enjoying one another's company. I never really celebrated the holiday. It just didn't make sense. A big fat guy on a sleigh giving presents... Santa.

My mother never told me stories of Santa, or anything that could have been remotely pleasant. The closest I have ever come to seeing the guy was when my mom was screwing the Santa from the mall and he stumbled into our trailer Christmas eve drunk off his ass, and I as saw him screwing my mom on the couch.

There was one Christmas though, my last one at my house before social services took all us kids away. I was twelve. My mom was working late night at one club or another. I opened up the door to find two nuns with packages in their hands. They were bringing gifts to everyone in the neighborhood. We all got one thing, I got a doll that I name Lily... nobody knows but I still have her... to this day I have never been anywhere without her.

"You alright?" Ryan asked from behind me.

"Yeah." I responded as I watched my breath form in a cloud before my face.

"Look." Ryan said pointing up to the sky as the first snowflake of the night fell. "I forgot it was Christmas eve."

Behind us we could hear people singing Christmas carols. My mother had never let them come to the door.

"Yeah, me too." I said, my eyes fixated on the perfectly forming snowflakes. I smile when I saw them land on Ryans nose. I was brought back to reality when a chill ran through my body. I needed a hit. It had been too long.

"No seriously guys, my toes are like freezing off." Summer said stopping where she stood.

Ryan looked around. He was in every respect the leader of the group.

"I guess that we're far enough away from the House to stop." He concluded

"Yeah but now where do we stop." Summer asked looking around

"There." I said pointing to a church that stood right ahead.

"But there's a service going on." Summer said turning to us.

"There's a fire escape." I said walking past the group who followed quickly behind.

The fire escape was slick with ice, I almost slipped a time or two, both times I was caught by Ryan.

"Careful." He warned me "I'll go first." Ryan said lifting up the window to the attic of the church

Sometimes I hate how men feel like they have to protect the helpless girl. Oh please. I can take care of myself. I've done it for the past 17 years and it's worked so far. God if I could just do a line right now...

"Come on in." Ryan said helping Summer, Seth and I into the attic.

One thing that I could never stand was dust. I could fight of anything besides those little mites that hide under the couch or get tangled in the curtains. My one weakness, dust.

"Look here." Seth said

Ryan, Summer and I went to where he was standing at the wall. There was a plaque or something mounted on it.

"What does it say?" Summer asked

"I donno, anyone have a light?" Seth asked looking towards Ryan as Summer looked at me

I rolled my eyes as I pulled out my lighter and held it towards the wall.

"Saint Marys Attic, giving a home to the homeless 1875 - 1956." I read

"That explains all of this." Ryan said holding up his lighter shining it around the room. There were a couple of old oil lamps, and some old mattresses sprawled around the floors.

"It smells like death in here." Summer said wiping cobwebs from her shoulders.

I looked around the attic. I had stayed in worse places. I looked over at Seth to see that he was watching my feet. People always do that one thing, they have that one behavior that gives them away. Mine is playing with my feet, stepping on them with one another, shifting from foot to foot, twisting my shoelaces. I don't do it a lot, well maybe I do, but only when I need a hit, like really bad.

"I have to use the bathroom." I said looking for a way out of the attic when I found a small door.

"I have to go to." Ryan said completely on to me. Why can't people just give me five minutes peace! PLEASE!

"Come on then." I snapped

Summer and Seth stayed behind as Ryan and I found our way through the old, dark, secluded corridors of the church when we came to a big balcony.

"Look." Ryan said grabbing hold of my arm lightly. I jumped at him touch. Nobody touched me like that. Unless they're trying to restrain me or they want something.

I followed Ryan to the balcony. It was closed off, boarded up. It looked like someone had tried to build a wall to block it off from the rest of the church but had long been worn. Through it's holes and cracks you could see down into the Christmas service.

I was silent as I looked on. I have always wanted something to believe in. When you're a child you live in a world of make believe, but make believe comes with innocence, and my innocence was taken from me a long time ago. I envy those people who can believe in a god, be so sure of themselves. Some people say that it's never to late, for forgiveness, salvation... Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do.

"I think that I found a bathroom." I told Ryan sneaking away

I pushed open an old door. Sure enough I found a bathroom. I turned on the faucet surprised to see water emerge from the large tubes. I searched the floor for pieces of the broken mirror that were scattered about.

Glass was broken upon the floor in a way that if you look down you can see your own image broken. Sometimes I hate how much I look like her. I looked at her even as a child and I hated her. How can I see the same face that I have hated for my life the entire life and be okay with it? How can I be okay with me?

Picking up a piece of glass from the floorI tapped some of the contents of my vile onto it. Using a credit card that I stole from some guy on the street I cut it into lines, and then I rolled a dollar bill... the rest is history.

I wandered back out to the balcony in a haze. The sound of the choir was dim and foggy, fluffy almost, can sound be fluffy? If it can that's what I heard, fluff.

"You find a bathroom?" Ryan asked staring at me

"Yeah." I said sitting beside him finally feeling calm

Ryan nodded at me knowingly.

And so it went we sat in silence, taking in everything that we could never have, never be. We looked down at the people with hope only knowing failure, regret, and pain.

By the way thank you for the amazing reviews thus far. Leave 'em and let me know what you think! Who should the next POV be?

xoxo Jules