So this is a pretty quick update. I think I'm rolling with these again. Hum... I think that when I finish up one of my One Tree Hill stories I will start another one for the OC with the aftermath of Jimmy's leaving. It will be Marissa centric with relationships to be decided because I'm kinda feeling the Ryan Lindsay thing. And besides it will be kinda of dark because that's my specality. I might explore the Marissa Alex relationship in it as well because I am a sucker for controversy, not to say it's to be a Malex (sweet I just made that up!) shipper or anything. I use the term explore loosely. Anyhow I think that you should review this story and tell me what you think about the other story idea, eventhough I'll probably write it regaurdless. R&R

xoxo Jules

SHOUT OUT TO CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN haha much love to you. I wear my converses up though... lol, look we found a difference! wink

Chapter 7: "I need no sympathy-"

Summers POV: "Unaware"

So it's been like a week and a half since we left and no one has found us or anything, they probably didn't even look for us, go figure. We were the three biggest problems there, Ryan, Marissa, and I. Seth was just kind of indifferent to life, but that's just him. I'm not saying that I mind them not looking for us or anything. It just makes this whole escape thing a lot easier. But for once in my life I think I just want to be sought after. Sure I have been but that was purely sexual. It kind of leaves you stuck just going through the motions and not getting anywhere. I try to say that I can get a long on my own but I somewhere I know I am lying to myself.

"So…" Seth said as he came in with two backpacks "We have food." He said taking a seat on the mattress beside me

"Sounds good." I said glad to eat anything other that candy bars and Graham Crackers.

Seth opened the bag to reveal a rather large amount of food considering the little money we had.

"Woah, how did you score all of this?" I asked

"Turns out Marissa has a lot of room in her clothes which contributed to the majority of our stash, and it turns out Ryan has five rather gifted fingers, and mine are semi sticky themselves."

"Seth Cohen, a thief. I can't picture it!" I said with mock surprise

"Well there's a lot of things that would surprise you about me." He winked at me

I hate when he does that. The stupid flirtatious thing, he's so childish sometimes.

"Why the hell are you taking so long?" I heard Marissa yelled down the fire escape to Ryan in a playful voice.

She climbed through the window and joined Seth and I in the attic. Ryan entered moments later.

"The snow soaked through my shoes." He said shivering and kicking his shoes off of his feet.

Now I have never heard Ryan complain, but I guess there's a first time for everything now isn't there?

We all gathered in a group on the floor and began to munch on the food. Silently at first, and then Seth spoke.

"So we've got to get moving sometime soon. I swear that the nuns have to know that we are up here. They're all godly and stuff, they can like sense things like that." Seth said using rationale that only he would.

"Right…" Ryan said sarcastically

"Yeah but for once I have to agree with him." I spoke up "We're going to get found out sooner or later. I'm not too happy about going out onto the streets in the middle of winter or anything like that, but it's better then being sent back."

Which was the truth. I hated being stuck. Stuck at the home, stuck in life. I have never admitted that I wanted something more for myself aloud. Dreams get you in trouble, and hope makes you blind. When you dream you pursue those dreams, let go of all of you inhibitions. You loose sight of reality looking for a life that will never be yours. And hope? Hope makes you look past the truth. It makes you deny what is in front of your face. The longer you walk blind the sooner you're going to fall into a deep black hole that there's no way to escape from.

"What do you think Marissa?" Ryan asked drawing all of our attention to the silent girl.

"It doesn't matter." Marissa said standing up and tossing her sandwich down. "I have to go to the bathroom.

We were all silent as she left the room

Marissa's POV: "I just did what I always do"

I don't know why it scares me knowing that we might be leaving here soon. I never get particularly attached to anywhere, I never let myself. There never seemed to be a reason to get comfortable with something, situational or otherwise, that is ultimately going to get taken away from you anyway.

I drug my feet across the balcony as I looked down to the church. People were kneeling and lighting candles… Candle's are supposed to represent hope right? Because I was just wondering, … well if the candle's represent hope- then why does the flame go out?

I used to burn myself, watch the flame touch my skin. Subliminally I guess I was watching all hope cease with my touch.

Something within me, and I don't know what it was, drew me down the long staircase of the church that took me behind the large brass organs. I went down another two flights of stairs, and weaved in and out of the pews… My mind was telling me that I was crazy for doing this, but my mind never made sense, why should I listen to it this time.

I took a deep breath and the opened the door to the "confession booth", if that's even what it's called. I awkwardly sat down on the small bench.

"Hello my child." A soft voice came from the other side of the wall. I shuddered at the voice. It was deep, intimidating.

"I've never really done this before." I said tucking my knees under my body so that my butt was resting on my heels. "See I'm not Catholic or anything like that. I was just kind of curious I guess…"

He didn't answer. Why wasn't he answering? Wasn't he supposed to you know… I donno do something?!

"Maybe I made a mistake." I said standing up ready to flee the booth

"Please." His voice said again, softer this time "Stay."

I hesitated before once again taking a seat.

"So what do I just tell you how I've screwed up?" I asked

"If that is what you wish to do." He said as though he had all of the answers.

"I've done a lot of stuff that I regret." I … confessed

I don't even know why I did it exactly. Desperation maybe? I don't know. I don't have much of a religious backbone, but the one thing that I know is that I don't have to confess my sins to a person to be forgiven… I think I just needed someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me.

"Don't be scared." The voice said

"I hate a lot of things… more than I should I guess… I hate my past, I hate my mother… I hate myself… I've stolen, cheated, and lied… but the scary part is… well it's that I don't care. I feel nothing, nothing at all. Not even pain anymore. It's like I'm consumed by this numbness… emptiness."

I felt like I was going to cry, like I was just going to let everything go right there… but I'm too strong for that.

"What has troubled you?"

"Everything." I answered quickly. "Everything… I don't want to be like this anymore but I don't think at this point there's any turning back…"

Sometimes there just is no way to turn back. It a ball and chain, life is the big ball holding the chain, and we're just all little chain links clinking back and forth getting nowhere.